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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Retirement is NOT the same as lockdown

64 replies

Stronger76 · 21/04/2020 19:30

Opened up to 'D'M that I'm struggling with lockdown. Usually work in a building with 1500 other folk and I'm missing just' being' with other people. Stuck at home with very little work to do, teenage kids mostly up in their rooms actually doing schoolwork/keeping in touch with friends. I'm lonely, bored and sinking into depression.

DM completely dismissed me. Told me 'well that's how I felt when I retired'. AIBU to think no its not? You had a lifetime to prepare for retirement, a gradual reduction in hours, support from work for at least a year beforehand, you still had freedom to keep busy by popping to the shops/meeting friends/family/take up hobbies and access to resources to support them/and lots of support from other colleagues and friends of a similar age.

My cousin (who is living with her dh and her parents so plenty of adult company) asked how my DM was coping with the lockdown and I just felt like shouting that she's grown used to being on her own over the last 15 years but actually, being dropped into this lockdown is fucking hard on me?

So, AIBU to feel that retirement is nothing like lockdown?

OP posts:
MT2017 · 21/04/2020 19:48

I don't think it is but not for the same reason you do - this will be over. Retirement is the end of work.

If you feel like this now about a relatively short time off work, you are going to really find proper retirement very hard indeed.

PegasusReturns · 21/04/2020 19:50

Retirement is giving up one (hopefully small) element of your life.

This lockdown impacts on every element.

HandfulOfDust · 21/04/2020 20:13

Well I hink she was dismissive of your feelings but I think what you're describing is how some people feel as they retire. They could say to you "well at least for you it's just temporary, you'll go back to work and feel useful again, I'm just waiting for death". That said I don't think you need to turn it into a competition you're struggling now and many people struggle with retirement.

Original poster
Stronger76 · 21/04/2020 20:14

@MT2017 I understand where you're coming from, and have spent a lot of time thinking about how I want my retirement to be (in 20+ years time) - I'd like to be the kind of person who goes to coffee mornings at the village hall, be in music groups, social groups, volunteering etc. Very different to my own DM but she was never a socialite. I thought I wasn't either but am starved of human interaction. There is a very long time to plan for retirement and adjust your lifestyle to the changes.
Retirement is a long-expected change. You literally anticipate it for your whole working life - for better or worse, and many many employers run schemes to support folk before and into retirement.

But this? Literally working my socks off one day, sent home 48 hours later into a strange world of panic buying and supermarket queues, school and business closures, pubs, restaurants and cafés closed, unable to leave the house or have visitors come? And the uncertainty of when it will end, when can my kids go back to school, how will my DC's teacher-assessed GCSE grades affect the rest of their lives?

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 21/04/2020 20:17

I think YABU as you are overreacting and making a mountain out a molehill. If she thinks they’re similar, so what? You don’t have to agree.

heartsonacake · 21/04/2020 20:18

how will my DC's teacher-assessed GCSE grades affect the rest of their lives?

Nobody’s GCSE results affect the rest of their lives, so you don’t need to worry about that.

Tonemeth · 21/04/2020 20:21

support from work for at least a year beforehand

Hahahahahahahahaha.

YeahWhatevver · 21/04/2020 20:23

Retirement where you have loads of free time to visit people and places, go on holidays, spend more time with family.....

Yeah, sounds exactly the same as lockdown......

aupresdemonarbre · 21/04/2020 20:23

I think you’re being pretty dismissive of your mum saying she felt the same when she retired. Who are you to say no, actually she didn’t feel like that? Anyway, at least we know lockdown is temporary- retirement is permanent so if it makes you feel isolated that is pretty grim. At the end of the day everyone is finding lockdown tough. I think it is harder overall for those of working age with kids (financial and childcare worries) but ultimately we are all in it together so I’d try to lose the competitive martyrdom.

MT2017 · 21/04/2020 20:31

@Stronger76 I also have 2 DC's waiting on exam grades, one for GCSE and one for A level.

Honestly - they will be fine. And so will you.

Do you have a volunteer group near you that you can join to be with people? This really is very temporary and will be over relatively soon.

DoubleFunMum · 21/04/2020 20:38

You could keep busy too you know...! Better than 'sinking into depression', surely. Maybe try doing something constrictive to help yourself rather than looking for sympathy? Learn a language, deep clean your house, pick up an instrument, write a book, create an artwork, do your garden, learn to sew, volunteer in your community, batch cook meals, bake something yummy. Endless possibilities. And while none of these will give you company, being absorbed in doing something will make the time go faster and give you something to talk to others about. Including those you live with - some people are living along you know!

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2020 20:39

"I'm lonely, bored and sinking into depression."

That a common theme among retired people. I think you are both being dismissive of each other. Which is a shame because you could be so much support instead.

"Retirement where you have loads of free time to visit people and places, go on holidays, spend more time with family...."

Families that are too busy to fit you in and friends as long as they aren't in a couple that are joined at the hip. The rest is dependent on income and health.

Retirement is a massive change and one that brings about feelings, of being useless and officially old.

Lock down wil end and life will start again.

It's a time not to do misery top trumps.

Knittingnanny · 21/04/2020 20:51

I’m retired, it is nothing like lockdown, absolutely nothing like it.
I look after a grandchild once a week
I pick up 2 from school 2 x a week
I belong to a choir
I belong to a knitting group
I volunteer for Homestart
I visit 2 adult children and their 5 grandchildren once each a year at opposite sides of the world
We have a couple of short breaks a year
I meet my girlfriends when my husband goes to the gym
We take our bikes on the car rack and cycle around the countryside stopping in a pub or cafe for a drink
I meet one adult son who lives locally once a week in a local cafe for lunch or cup of tea

Not doing one single thing off that list at the moment!

Boulshired · 21/04/2020 20:52

But you are an example of how on paper you are at home with two teenagers for company so lock down shouldn’t be too bad. But that’s not your reality just as your view on retirement may not be your mum’s reality.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 21/04/2020 21:10

Retirement is not the same! My DM is widowed, but keeps busy normally by meeting friends and doing different activities. During lockdown she is lonely and depressed.

thegcatsmother · 21/04/2020 21:13

You had a lifetime to prepare for retirement, a gradual reduction in hours, support from work for at least a year beforehand

Nope, not in all cases. Dh retired last year and went from 60+ hour weeks and lots of international travelling to a full stop when we moved back to UK. There is no gradual reduction in hours, and support from work? Non existent.

Apart from not being able to go out for a coffee or lunch, then lockdown isn't that much different from normal days imo.

Wimpeyspread · 21/04/2020 21:15

I find it similar - and I don’t recognise the gradual reduction in hours and support from work either! I can not speak to anyone for days at a time. I’ve talked to more people since lockdown as everyone is making an effort to keep in touch with one another.

NiteFlights · 21/04/2020 21:16

I think YANBU but you do need to be proactive to keep yourself well. In the nicest possible way, there is no need to be bored. You need to gently encourage yourself to do some projects, hobbies, even just really small ones, to keep yourself interested.

If you challenge yourself to be mentally self-reliant now you will reap the rewards as life continues after lockdown.

aupresdemonarbre · 21/04/2020 21:17

Yes I agree on paper your life looks great. I’m wfh with a one year old which is fine but very exhausting. I love my dd more than anything but I can’t help looking at child free furloughed friends and thinking how much I would have loved to be in that duty if this had happens before my dd was born - having time everyday to read, watch Netflix, bake, go for a run, have sex, generally potter round sounds like heaven to me....

Ilovelblue · 21/04/2020 21:24

I'm a bit like knittinnanny. I took voluntary redundancy/early retirement three years ago and went from a busy office with over 600 people in the building to..... nothing in the space of a weekend! That was quite a shock as there was no gradual reduction of hours. As I said, all to nothing! A bit like lockdown. One day we were fine, the next day, we couldn't do anything!

I went on holiday almost immediately then:

Volunteered with a charity doing dog walking for elderly and disabled people
Volunteer in the garden of a day centre for the disabled
Meet up with friends for meals or coffee
Shopping trips
Working in my own garden
Bike rides
Holidays and weekends away

I've never been bored during retirement.

No prizes for guessing I'm doing none of these just now!

Ilovelblue · 21/04/2020 21:27

Ooops, posted too soon - just working in my own garden. Thank goodness for the good weather!

echt · 21/04/2020 21:32

YABU, only your DM knows what both situations are like. You don't mention your dad. Is she alone? As for having years to plan your retirement, the media is full of example of people who don't do that, not the pension, not the use of time (not blaming here).

Well I'm nearing retirement and lockdown has been an eye opener for me. I really value my colleagues and in common with one will seek to reduce hours further but stay in work.

It's made me aware that I need to plan more outside interests, but as a widow living alone and introverted by nature, I'll have to work at this. I work part-time but like a lot of teachers find the work creeps into my day off so need to put stop to that.

PippaPegg · 21/04/2020 21:42

YANBU but don't worry, our mothers have it harder than us no matter what. Classic narcissistic mothers always have it harder than everyone. Especially their own daughters who are frankly just a bit rubbish in comparison. Apparently!

Gruffawoah · 21/04/2020 21:43

Not everyone experiences the same or does the same when they retire. Lots do feel lonely, and some find it hard to come to terms with in regards to being one of the final milestones. It isn't the same as lockdown on a societal level, of course not, but to some it probably feels the same. She was dismissive of your feelings, but you were also dismissive of hers.

Geepipe · 21/04/2020 21:48

Yabu. Yes its ok to feel shes dismissive of your feelings but you are dismissive of hers. This is a temporary thing. Retirement is generally forever until the person dies. Also not all retired people can live the life of riley hence why we have such a problem with old people suffering lonliness hence the man on the moon ad for john lewis raising awareness of a very serious issue. The same people who are retired are also in lockdown this isnt unique to working people.