Retirement is NOT the same as lockdown

[Stronger76]

Opened up to 'D'M that I'm struggling with lockdown. Usually work in a building with 1500 other folk and I'm missing just' being' with other people. Stuck at home with very little work to do, teenage kids mostly up in their rooms actually doing schoolwork/keeping in touch with friends. I'm lonely, bored and sinking into depression.

DM completely dismissed me. Told me 'well that's how I felt when I retired'. AIBU to think no its not? You had a lifetime to prepare for retirement, a gradual reduction in hours, support from work for at least a year beforehand, you still had freedom to keep busy by popping to the shops/meeting friends/family/take up hobbies and access to resources to support them/and lots of support from other colleagues and friends of a similar age.

My cousin (who is living with her dh and her parents so plenty of adult company) asked how my DM was coping with the lockdown and I just felt like shouting that she's grown used to being on her own over the last 15 years but actually, being dropped into this lockdown is fucking hard on me?

So, AIBU to feel that retirement is nothing like lockdown?

Retirement where you have loads of free time to visit people and places, go on holidays, spend more time with family....
Yeah, sounds exactly the same as lockdown

Yeah, assuming you have a family near by, money to go on holidays etc.
Retirement is not necessarily one big jolly for many people.

Of course they're different, but I think you've been totally dismissive of your mum here. What about when she retired - did you ask her how she was feeling, offer her the support you're looking for? Bored, lonely and depressed could describe a lot of retirees... and from another point of view you're with your family, have had work pressures taken away, still have your income (I presume as you've not mentioned otherwise).

So, I think you're both being dismissive. Maybe a bit of understanding on your part that your mum found retirement difficult would open up more understanding from her? Don't make it a race to the bottom.

YABU in terms of you are being just as dismissive of your mother's feelings as she is of yours.
YABU in the idea you have in your head about things like 'being supported for a year to prepare for retirement
YANBU in thinking some people's retirement is a lot different from the current lockdown situation. But there are also lots of retired people that aren't proactive in going out and getting involved in 'retirement life'. Just like you are choosing to sit and twiddle your thumbs now. There is so much you could do at the moment - even if you aren't able to leave your house. You are choosing not to - just as many people do in retirement.

I am retired (nearly 18 months ) . I gradually reduced my hours over 2 years and was quite prepared for retirement -Civil Service- but I don’t feel this is the same . I enjoyed months of lunching , coffees , book club, yoga, holidays etc etc plus having DGS staying at least one night a week . All gone but hopefully just for a while .

Of course it isn't like retirement. Retirement doesn't involve being unable to do any social activities, worrying about getting a deadly disease in Morrisons, worrying about your friends and family dying and watching everything in the world stop functioning while hundreds of thousands of people die. All four of my kids' grandparents are retired and they are struggling with their lives being constrained and stressful just the same as I am.

It's nothing like retirement. Lockdown is very different - everyone is suddenly having to cope with the isolation and your DM isn't special. Does she have a tendency for having a touch of the dramatics?

Oh yeah and none of us are learning new languages or making stained glass windows or taking up tap dancing or whatever.

She was wrong to say it. She should not complete with you when you turn to her for support. It wasn't about her.

I dont think she was wrong to say it at all. Sounds like she was empathising and explaining her own feelings. Thats allowed. Your not the only one to feel down.

You are struggling with lockdown in a way your DM does not understand. I can't say I understand it either but then again, we are all different.

I get what you mean, it's the swiftness of it all. Really it's a big thing the likes of which most of us have not experienced in our lifetime. I expect you felt a bit peeved at your mum's reaction, maybe you expected her to be a bit more understanding. Is she on her own? Sorry can't recall if you said she was. If so, keep talking and get to know each other a bit more.

If your DM's life of retirement feels the same as lockdown then I think you need to cut her some slack because her life must be awful.

You have no idea how she felt when she retired, so while you think she's dismissing your feelings, you're doing exactly the same with her feelings.

I'm retired and I live alone, apart from the dog, and I can assure you my normal life is nothing like lockdown, if it were I think I would have sunk into a deep depression by now.

I do not normally spend my life trying to find things to fill up my hours because I've got nowhere to go, other than to walk the dog, as I do at the moment. I can go out and see people, do things, get on with my life.

I'm hating lockdown and at the moment, I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to do things like DIY in the house. I feel stuck and bored.

If your DM feels her life is like that because she's retired then I feel very sorry for her.

No one spends their working life gearing up towards retirement. When you retire, for a great many people it's a huge change, and can often cause loneliness and depression.

I'm close with my family, in contact frequently, but I have no in my home with me. I haven't touched another human being for weeks. I can't hug my children or grandchildren.

A great many people are finding lockdown hard, both retired people and working people, just because someone is retired and used to being out of the work place and alone doesn't mean it's easy for them; life isn't just about work and the work place.

Different people cope, or don't cope, in different ways. It's not a competition as to who has it harder.

Just as not everyone felt the same when retired, not everyone the same during lockdown either. I’m very busy at work and also home schooling two primary kids. Making all meals when we usually go out often and the kids eat at school.

I don’t recognise your lockdown, similar to you don’t recognise your mum’s retired life.

You sound miserable when you have two teenagers for company. You aren’t completely alone.

I think you're being a bit dismissive of her feelings to be honest. A lot if people try to empathise by comparing it to something they've got to. Just because she had time to plan for it didnt mean she didnt miss her normal routine, seeing peoole and didnt struggle to adjust. If youd had time to plan for the pandemic would you find it any easier being stuck at home? I found the first few months of my first maternity leave much harder than the pandemic as giving up your job is for me and some other people, giving up a massive part of your identity, and I found the thought of everything carrying on without me very unsettling, like I hadn't mattered at all. In comparison I'm finding lockdown ok, it is likely to be measured in weeks not months and everyone is in the same boat so theres a lot of support available.

If this is what retirement is like then I’m staying at work.

Read my earlier post, I also accept it is completely different ( lockdown) if you are on your own. I’m lucky enough to be sharing it with a lovely husband.

Re not read!

I think it's understandable that you are struggling, but you could also listen to your mum- perhaps she didn't enjoy retirement and felt a loss of identity. I don't know why you are so angry with her - it seems that you feel she invalidated you're feelings and you in turn have invalidated hers !

I think lockdown is hard on everyone, of course it is. Someone capsule argue that you are in a better position then them because you have teenage kids and your not trying to look after small children and work from home. Or that you are in a better position because you have company and they live alone. It’s not top trumps and I think you and your mum need to both cut each other some slack. It sounds like you are both struggling, don’t turn it into a completion of who has it worse.
Btw if you are bored and lonely I strongly recommend voluntary work. I’m doing check in and chat calls to elderly people that don’t have family just for a chat a few times a week and it’s been lovely getting to know new people and knowing that you are helping them feel less alone.

Retirement is not the same as lockdown. In retirement you have choices, and control of what you can do on a daily basis. Lockdown is nothing like that unless you want it to be. Your mother is being unreasonable to say it’s the same.

I think you are getting wrapped up in nonsense. This 'argument' is over nothing! If people have different experiences of retirement or lockdown then they have different experiences. End of really. Try to get some perspective.

She opened up too about some similar feelings in another situation. You could have discussed these similarities and the differences supporting each other instead of turning it into a competition.

You are being just as dismissive as she is. She obviously struggled with retirement as many, many people do.

Also keep in mind she's been dropped into the lockdown as well. All of her usual places to go are also limited.

It's not a race to the bottom.

I think she was just trying to talk some sense in to you, you sound a bit dramatic. When your cousin asked how your mum was coping (now that she’s retired, alone, AND in lockdown) you felt like shouting and making it all about you? Get a grip, you’ve got company in the house and you’ll go back to work eventually!

Can you not keep in touch with your friends /workmates on Facebook Skype and so on? What about phoning some of them for a chat .Do your DC spend all their time in their rooms? What about seeing if they may want to watch a film /have some nice snacks one evening?I am home with my family too . DD made a difficult cake ,took all afternoon and yours truly spent most of the afternoon cleaning the kitchen and washing up! Worth it though as she did really well and she is proud of it