Retirement is NOT the same as lockdown

[Stronger76]

Opened up to 'D'M that I'm struggling with lockdown. Usually work in a building with 1500 other folk and I'm missing just' being' with other people. Stuck at home with very little work to do, teenage kids mostly up in their rooms actually doing schoolwork/keeping in touch with friends. I'm lonely, bored and sinking into depression.

DM completely dismissed me. Told me 'well that's how I felt when I retired'. AIBU to think no its not? You had a lifetime to prepare for retirement, a gradual reduction in hours, support from work for at least a year beforehand, you still had freedom to keep busy by popping to the shops/meeting friends/family/take up hobbies and access to resources to support them/and lots of support from other colleagues and friends of a similar age.

My cousin (who is living with her dh and her parents so plenty of adult company) asked how my DM was coping with the lockdown and I just felt like shouting that she's grown used to being on her own over the last 15 years but actually, being dropped into this lockdown is fucking hard on me?

So, AIBU to feel that retirement is nothing like lockdown?

Retirement may not be the same but many people really struggle and there's no support in most workplaces. Not everyone reduces hours prior to retirement, for many they work full time right up until 5pm on the day. My dad isn't enjoying retirement at all, whereas mum loves it, we are all different, I wouldn't dismiss what she said

No, don't recognise the gradual reduction in hours etc. either.
I have been retired for 6 years. I don't mind the current situation too much (for the time being) as I have very many hobbies to be getting on with, but I miss not going out, seeing friends and family, and I will miss not having any holidays for god knows how long - so far during retirement we have done the travelling we promised ourselves, so no, retirement and lockdown are not similar in any way shape or form. In fact, the only retired person I know who has had no change in his life the past weeks is my fil, and he's got alzheimers, so doesn't really understand what's going on, and spends all day watching telly.
If your retirement is like lockdown you are doing it wrong.

Thanks everyone for your insights into retirement, it has really made me think about what I can do now to try and ensure mine is more enjoyable to how I perceive others' to be/have been.

To clarify a few points, my mum was fortunate enough to have had a good transition scheme from her employer for a couple of years before she retired. However, she has always been quite a solitary person and despite lots of support from me and her other dc, meeting new folk/volunteering/joining clubs/learning new skills etc is just not her thing. At all. We've accompanied her to things, found courses for her, encouraged trips out etc but she's just not into it. She is fortunately physically fit and well and is a 'potterer'.

I am trying to keep busy. I've done some decorating, started to tackle the overgrowth in the garden. I am already doing online learning, my usual weekly social/music activity has been cancelled. I am in touch with friends and colleagues online as well as checking in with and completing work daily.

My teenagers are just that - teenagers - and I feel like I shouldn't expect them to provide me with the crutch I need as they are still children. I like the idea of a film or games without the usual monopoly arguments

I know this is relatively short term. It is. It feels like a shock to the system still.

I just miss the company of adults. Eye-rolls across the office. Conversation. Physical and emotional contact. Time to pull my socks up and get on with it.

YABU and dismissive of your DM's feelings.
Yes, you're finding lockdown hard, but that doesn't invalidate your DM's experience of retirement.

She opened up too about some similar feelings in another situation. You could have discussed these similarities and the differences supporting each other instead of turning it into a competition.

Well put.

It's like tiredness competitions between parents and non-parents. It serves no one to tell them that actually they aren't as tired as they think they are, that no one could possibly be as tired as them, and oh, little Timmy...

Nope. Just be human with each other. Share your grumbles and make each other feel better about them.

I took voluntary early severance/retirement 11 months ago. I’m really enjoying it and have found lockdown quite relaxing with no work to worry about.

I feel like you are allowing history to repeat itself, you have teenagers who have no idea how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong in showing them you are struggling and need some company. They might even need it as well.

Glad you're reassessing your feelings. Retirement is a huge adjustment for many people, however well planned for. Work can be deeply tied to our identities as well as our lifestyles in many ways and to be without it can be extremely hard - arguably harder than lockdown as it's permanent and mortality might be on a person's mind, not because of a current risk that will (hopefully) pass but because you're entering a later phase of life. Sure we all know people who are enjoying their retirements but there are also people who die soon after almost as if they've given up. So plan well for it by all means, but don't expect not to find it tough at times like your mum must have done. From the way you've written it, it sounds like she was just relating to you not competing/dismissing. Both of your experiences are valid and understanding is much needed.

You had a lifetime to prepare for retirement
You seriously believe everyone prepared for retirement fir the whole of their working life? You are being ridiculous. Most people are busy just living their lives.

My cousin (who is living with her dh and her parents so plenty of adult company) asked how my DM was coping with the lockdown and I just felt like shouting that she's grown used to being on her own over the last 15 years but actually, being dropped into this lockdown is fucking hard on me?
Thank goodness your DM has your cousin who is thoughtful and compassionate. Your DM is telling you how she felt and you are so dismissive of her feelings. If she has been by herself for 15 years and felt like that when she retired, she may feel even more lonely now.

As a PP said, you could be a source of support for each other but instead you choose to be utterly self-absorbed. Your behaviour is despicable.

So, AIBU to feel that retirement is nothing like lockdown?
Yes, YABU.

@Stronger76

Have you tried Monopoly Deal? It’s really good fun and much fairer than Monopoly. Might be worth a try!

However, she has always been quite a solitary person and despite lots of support from me and her other dc, meeting new folk/volunteering/joining clubs/learning new skills etc is just not her thing. At all. We've accompanied her to things, found courses for her, encouraged trips out etc but she's just not into it.

Why are you trying to dictate to your mum how she lives her life? Some people are just introverts and aren't comfortable with a lot of socialising.

And lots of people struggle with retirement, with the lack of structure and purpose, but they're not mentally suited to leaping straight into volunteering.

Yes she didn't exactly try to empathise with your situation, but you aren't trying to understand her either. You have a history of trying to mould her into what you want her to be rather than who she is. And maybe this was her way of showing her resentment of that, that you didn't understand her for who she was and is.

YABU to complain that your mum dismissed your feelings when that is exactly what you are doing to her.

Not everyone who retires has savings, a garden, own home, a knitting group, grandchildren, a good pension, good health, a healthy partner, holidays etc etc.

For many it means isolation, years of no money, a rented home that you can no longer afford, no hope of it getting better, irrelevance, a shrinking world, poor health... it is pretty grim.

You clearly have a job, kids, a house, money. Sounds good to me! (EXCEPT I am not you so of course I can't comment. - How you feel is how you feel. And how your mum feels is how she feels.) Yes lockdown is rough on you but this is about your relationship with her rather than retirement v lockdown per se.

I suppose for some people retirement might feel like being cut off from the outside world. For others it's a chance to do things they haven't had time to do and to see more of their non work friends.

I don't agree with the introvert comment though. I'm an introvert but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy being involved in things and making friends. Most introverts need a certain amount of time to themselves, and don't really like big parties, holidays with large groups etc. But it doesn't mean we shouldn't find ways of making our days meaningful after we retire.