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Original poster

To ask how I get over this?

54 replies

coronaandtired · 21/04/2020 17:04

Seven years ago, when DH and I were engaged, his father met up with him for dinner one evening, drank a bit too much (though he did this at pretty much every meal out) and told my husband that my weight 'could be a problem' for our marriage, he also asked him if he had considered that I 'could get even bigger' and to 'think hard' about that.

DH came home and told me all this, and told me that he was 'blindsided' and 'didn't really know what to say'. Apparently he just changed the subject.

A lot has happened since then and I've been in therapy for a while. It's become very clear that this particular incident was significant in shaping a lot of the body issues that I have carried since then, and the subsequent anxiety.

Back then I was 30 years old and a size 18, in decent health, working and doing well in a professional role. I wore clothes that fit me well, and was pretty active. DH's father would occasionally comment on my weight in a 'Oh I bet Coronaandtired would like to see the dessert menu' kind of way. I didn't like it but I put up with it for the sake of DH.

But I was absolutely devastated by the incident I described earlier, devastated and mortified. I think about it often. The issue is that DH's father died four years ago, so a) I can't raise the issue with the FIL and b) speaking to DH about his part in it (because he absolutely should have defended me) would bring up complex and hurtful emotions.

I know I need to move on but I don't know how. I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/04/2020 17:09

He sounds like a really unpleasant man. Maybe your DH had spent years trying to avoid difficult topics.
It was years ago. I’m not really sure how you can address this now.

HappySonHappyMum · 21/04/2020 17:15

In the nicest possible way - it's time to let it go. It was seven years ago - your DH told you about the conversation, changed the subject and he still married you. His relationship with his Dad obviously wasn't great as he would have challenged him otherwise. Sometimes you have to throw things away to make space for new things and if you want to enjoy those new things then you're going to have to leave the past in the past where it belongs to make that space. You move on consciously - every time you dwell on it - put it away and tell yourself it's over and done with now. You only have two choices stay the way you are, full of anxiety or say enough is enough and move on. Good luck!

Original poster
coronaandtired · 21/04/2020 17:16

I agree that I need to move on. I just don't know how.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/04/2020 17:18

By not focussing on this. Focus on now. Are you happy with your body now? What makes you proud about it? Would you change something? (I could do with better bras!) Do you exercise? Always makes me feel good.

NicEv · 21/04/2020 17:27

If this is the worst problem in your life then you are lucky.

The man is dead. Just get a grip and stop obsessing about an incident that happened 7 years ago involving a dead man. Make a decision that every time you start thinking about it you will stop and think about something else.

If you still aren’t happy about your body then do something about that. If you are happy with it then move on. One precious life - stop bloody wasting it maudling over nothing.

HandfulOfDust · 21/04/2020 17:32

He does sound like he was unpleasant and overly obsessed with your weight but you definitely need to take responsibility for your feelings towards that incident. If this comment still bothers you all these years later there was obviously a large insecurity there to begin with which you need to deal with.

DrManhattan · 21/04/2020 17:33

Is it about what your FIL said or more that your husband didnt tell him to shut the f up and stick up for you?

Annabk · 21/04/2020 17:40

I can empathise OP, my husband doesn’t stand up for me and it plays on my mind. Some people just prefer to avoid confrontation, especially with family members but I like to ‘get things out in the open’ personally. It’s a little corner of resentment in my mind so I have no advice but YANBU.

CrazyToast · 21/04/2020 17:53

That's a really sucky thing to say, not a cool guy. I dont think your DH shouldve told you, but thats over with now. The best way to deal with it from your side, might be to address your own issues with your body. Easier said than done, as I know from personal experience!

Southwesterly · 21/04/2020 18:00

What strikes me about your post, OP, is that you're very concerned about your husband's feelings, to the detriment of your own. Not only did you put up for years with belittling, objectifying remarks about your weight from your FIL, apparently because you felt you couldn't challenge them because of your DH, and now you feel you can't talk to him about the original incident in case it hurts his feelings because his father is dead.

In your shoes I would have absolutely no hesitation in talking to him about it, regardless of his feelings. I think that telling you what his father had said was a horrifically cruel and unnecessary thing to do, and telling you also that he hadn't defended you or challenged his father in any way only rubs salt in the wound. Was he afraid of his father? Did he expect you to be afraid of him? Do you think he didn't like your size and was consciously or unconsciously passing on his father's remark as an indirect rebuke from On High?

If you're in therapy, talk to your therapist about how you might proceed with this.

ImperfectAlf · 21/04/2020 18:04

I could have written annabk ‘s post. I don’t think you Abu either, if the worry is about your DH’s support, But if it’s about your fil, you need to let it go. You couldn’t change him, even if he was still alive. You can only change your reaction.

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/04/2020 18:18

That’s a bit obsessive to let a minor incident that you were not even present at but only heard about second hand cause so much body image issues anxiety.

Talking to your DH may help you. I’d ask him about his relationship with his father.
It’s easy to say he should have defended you but think about the stress response in humans when we are under attack. It’s fight (defend), flight or freeze. So its not actually fair to expect your DH in the situation to respond to the stress of his fathers verbal abuse of you with the fight/defend response. His relationship with his father may have been such that responding with fight/defend ends up only escalating the abuse. So, your DH will have learned from childhood that defusing the abuse depends on him doing the freeze response..or no response, ignoring it. (Which is incidentally a known tactic against bullying).

PlanDeRaccordement · 21/04/2020 18:24

The more I think on this, FIL was a bully. And a bully would also have bullied his own son growing up, your DH. He probably thought you joining the family gave him a right to also bully you. As a way to assert dominance as “head” of the family.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 21/04/2020 18:26

I think you need to separate the two things; there's the hurt that your FIL said that stuff, that he felt comfortable speaking that way (and continuing to make thinly-veiled digs) but there's the secondary part that your DH wasn't brave enough to tell him to shut the fuck up.

You can't change what's happened, nor can you resolve the FIL stuff because he's not there. You can change how you move forward and your decision to continue letting this eat at you. If you still hold resentment towards your DH because he didn't defend you, have that conversation with him, resolve that then let it go. Complex and hurtful emotions being felt doesn't mean we don't have the discussions that lead to them; as a married couple you need to be able and willing to have those conversations and hear one another out. It doesn't have to be about blame or accusation; it can just be "I felt hurt and have continued to carry this hurt around with me because we've never resolved it, there was no apology and I'd like to think we'd defend one another". There's a very good chance that with a father like that your DH also carries a great deal around with him and it might be time for both of you to let that go, but as a team rather than letting it fester and damage you.

Didiusfalco · 21/04/2020 18:30

Are you dwelling on this now because you’ve got too much time on your hands? (as nearly everyone has - not a dig). Is this part of a larger problem of your dh not supporting you? Do you feel comfortable with your body now?

rosegoldwatcher · 21/04/2020 18:42

Would it help at all to write a letter (I would hand-write, not type) to your late FIL detailing your hurt feelings and anger etc?
If you know where his grave is or where his ashes were scattered, take the letter to that place, read it out loud, as if to him, and burn it there.
(Appreciate you might have to wait until travelling is easier.)

HopelessLayout · 21/04/2020 18:51

What is the issue? Your father-in-law was entitled to his opinion and your DH respected that and changed the subject without further discussion.
I wonder if the fact that it is bothering you so much might mean you feel there is a grain of truth to it? It's somewhat unusual for a 30+ year-old to be so affected by these types of comments.

dontlikebeards · 21/04/2020 18:54

Your FIL sounds like mine, he was a bully who had ruled over his family for years. He said awful things about me to my dh, my dh never said much back because he had been bullied by him all his life.
I ignored all the crap from fil and he soon learnt that I couldn't and wouldn't be bullied by him.
I also took solace in the fact that my dh (his son) loves me.
You have to rise above it, it was a long time ago.

user1480880826 · 21/04/2020 18:55

The issue here is your husband. Firstly, there was absolutely no reason for him to tell you what his father said. That is ultimately the cause of your problems. And secondly, he let his father continue to bully you in person.

You need to resolve this with your husband.

Staypositivepeople · 21/04/2020 19:01

Sorry
Did I read that right ? He’s dead ?
The poor man is dead ..
And your upset by something he said 7 years ago?
I’ve obviously missed the point or read this wrong

Janaih · 21/04/2020 19:06

It's the old think of a red dog thing isnt it. If I say dont think of a red dog then it'll be the first thing that pops into your head.

I think your only strategy is to focus on the happy times you've had with your dh, remember specific times hes stuck up for you in some way, and if you're feeling angry ask him for a calming hug.
Exercise and fresh air will also help to clear and refocus your mind.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2020 19:09

I would be wondering why your husband chose to tell you something so hurtful. There was absolutely no reason he had to share that with you, unless it was his was of saying your weight did/does concern him. Perhaps that's what you're really fixated on. Your problem lies with your husband.

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 19:11

Op I understand, that must be so hurtful.
Many of us have things we just can't seem to shift from our minds so it's not unusual.

Sometimes a single comment or incident really can effect us for life, if we let it.
All you can do now is tell yourself he was just one person with one opinion.... And his opinion didn't even matter.

Read up anything you can on body confidence and letting go of the past.

Perhaps when the world is back to normal you could even seek counselling as it's affected you a lot.Flowers

Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 19:12

Sorry op I just reread that and see you're already seeking therapy, excuse me.

Original poster
coronaandtired · 21/04/2020 19:14

@hopelesslayabout well aren't you just a treasure?

OP posts:
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