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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I get over this?

54 replies

coronaandtired · 21/04/2020 17:04

Seven years ago, when DH and I were engaged, his father met up with him for dinner one evening, drank a bit too much (though he did this at pretty much every meal out) and told my husband that my weight 'could be a problem' for our marriage, he also asked him if he had considered that I 'could get even bigger' and to 'think hard' about that.

DH came home and told me all this, and told me that he was 'blindsided' and 'didn't really know what to say'. Apparently he just changed the subject.

A lot has happened since then and I've been in therapy for a while. It's become very clear that this particular incident was significant in shaping a lot of the body issues that I have carried since then, and the subsequent anxiety.

Back then I was 30 years old and a size 18, in decent health, working and doing well in a professional role. I wore clothes that fit me well, and was pretty active. DH's father would occasionally comment on my weight in a 'Oh I bet Coronaandtired would like to see the dessert menu' kind of way. I didn't like it but I put up with it for the sake of DH.

But I was absolutely devastated by the incident I described earlier, devastated and mortified. I think about it often. The issue is that DH's father died four years ago, so a) I can't raise the issue with the FIL and b) speaking to DH about his part in it (because he absolutely should have defended me) would bring up complex and hurtful emotions.

I know I need to move on but I don't know how. I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 21/04/2020 19:14

You should be able to talk about it with your husband.... though I guess there isn't a lot he could say to fix it except sorry for not standing up for you.

But he should at least listen to your feelings about it.

DrManhattan · 21/04/2020 19:27

Thing is, you are asking for opinions, you are going to get some you dont agree with.

NicEv · 21/04/2020 19:35

@hopelesslayabout I agree with your comment and don’t think you have said anything offensive

amber763 · 21/04/2020 19:37

I can understand something hurtful like that sticking in your mind and it's good that you are in therapy to help you work your way through it but it just sounds like a horrible comment from a mean old bully.

Your husband obviously paid him no mind and you guys are married and he's dead. Have you put on more weight and are concerned that your husband may feel it's a problem because his dad did? I really really doubt that he would think this and weight can be lost so please dont torture yourself over this any more..

PleaseStopSayingNewNormal · 21/04/2020 19:46

There are certain comments and incidents in my past that I don't think I'll ever be able to "let go", honestly. I suspect it's the same for many, if not most, others. I don't sit and stew over them on a regular basis, but they do sometimes pop into my head, and they still hurt and anger me just as much as they ever did.

Of course it's best to try to move on and not think about them, but if that's not helping, I'd try writing that letter a PP suggested. Either that or just speak your feelings out loud to your FIL. You don't even have to be in at his graveside. Next time you have the house to yourself for a while, just pretend he's right there in the room, sitting in a chair, and tell him how you feel. It might not help, but it can't hurt.

In the end, your husband is still with you. There was something off with your FIL for him to behave so unkindly, but he's gone now. You have the rest of your life without him in it. Try to think of him less and less often.

Notredamn · 21/04/2020 19:50

I'm shocked your DH passed on this particular piece of information. It's just such a nasty, hurtful thing to 1.) say 2.) repeat to someone, let alone someone you love. Maybe that's what you're struggling with Flowers

Bloatstoat · 21/04/2020 19:59

Your late FIL sounds unkind and obsessed with your weight, I can totally understand why what he said was so hurtful.

I think your husband not defending you is a difficult issue. Again, i understand why you wanted him to - but within some family dynamics, it might have been very hard for him to do so.

I had a situation a couple of years ago where my brother in law (who is a bit of a dick to say the least) lost his temper and screamed abuse at me. My husband did nothing at the time and afterwards agreed BIL's behaviour was awful but begged me to forget it and act as if nothing had happened, which made me feel really angry. The thing is, this is how things have always been in his family - my late MIL and BIL behave badly, everyone else ignores it and moves on. Expecting my husband to act against a lifetime of doing this is a waste of time.

What I'm getting at with this is wondering how your husband's relationship with his late father was - if he was usually happy to argue back and didn't this one time when it was about you, that's one thing. But if your late FIL was a bit of a bully and your husband never stood up to him about anything, I think it was less about him betraying you, and more about the dysfunctional relationship with his father that you got caught up in.

LemonFun · 21/04/2020 20:05

I totally get this having been anything from a 12-20 my entire life currently an 18!

When I was young probably about 13 a boy at school said - well you know LemonFun has a pretty face but the rest of her - who knows what she’s like. And me - aged 13 and fat actually took that as a compliment - that someone thought I was pretty. Turns out I am bloody pretty just - but not only that I’m incredibly clever - now we’ll educated and in comparison to that boy in a much better place in life (friends with him on Facebook) and should I have let go - well actually I have let go. But when your post came up it made me think - anyway there has to be some sort of way to kind of let go but I don’t know what and I just wanted to say that was some random boy when I was very young and I still remember so I can imagine what your future FIL said would make you sad x

Runningonempty84 · 21/04/2020 20:59

I think the way to get over this comment, or at least stop it consuming you in this irrational way, is to become happy in your own body - whether that's at a size 8, an 18, or a 28. Much easier said than done, I know. But if you focus on being well, and fit, and active, then what a now-dead person may or may not have said 7 years ago becomes even more irrelevant.

Your problem isn't merely what your FIL said, IMO. It's that it's made you worry about your own weight and worry your DH agreed with him. To be so devastated is an overreaction, but I think you know that. Your FIL was entitled to his opinion. But you can prove him wrong by taking charge of your own health and being happy in your body. Good luck Flowers

SheSaidHummingbird · 21/04/2020 21:25

I know this might sound strange Confused but my mum had a huge amount of unresolved issues with both her parents who divorced when she was young. She has only recently started to address these issues, and says that roleplay therapy has really helped her to vocalise her emotions and to have the conversations (with her therapist playing the part of her mother and father) that she feels she missed out on.
Perhaps this could help you? You could speak in confidence to a therapist, give voice to your feelings towards your DH - that he should've defended you - and to your DFIL.

Bluntness100 · 21/04/2020 21:33

Op were you really comfortable with your weight back then? Is that what you’re saying, or how you remember it?

Clearly he’s touched a nerve but it’s hard for many to understand why seven years later you’re seeing this as significant and blaming your feelings about your weight on this incident.

Have you in fact got bigger since then? Is it because he said you might get bigger and you have and you’re unsure how your husband feels about it? Basically it plays on your mind because he was right, you think it might be a Problem in your marriage and you did get bigger? That maybe your husband told you because you suspect he shares his fathers view?

If you’ve not got bigger and your husband loves your size, then I’m way off base, obviously.

CSIblonde · 21/04/2020 21:33

I would have to wonder why your DH told you. Surely if he loved you as you were, at size 18, he wouldn't even give his Dad's opinion air with you? Did he not realise how it would affect you or was it just look isn't my Dad being awful again. Either way I think it wasn't kind to tell you & I'd also wonder if he also had issues with your weight & thought it would spur you into losing weight. I'd talk it over one more time then try to put it to bed.

Notthetoothfairy · 22/04/2020 10:20

I think you need to see it as FIL’s problem, not yours.

My GF offered me a second snack when I was a slightly chubby child, then he criticised me to my parents for accepting it. That is literally all I remember of him now, so I see it as karma (great legacy, GF!)

Southwesterly · 22/04/2020 10:33

Your FIL was entitled to his opinion.

Let's see. Your adult son is engaged. Do you think it's normal behaviour to take him out for dinner, and tell him that his fiancée's weight 'could be a problem for their marriage', that she might get 'even bigger' and that he should 'think hard' about how he would feel about that?

HopelessLayout · 22/04/2020 15:03

LemonFun at 13 yrs old I can understand that type of remark having such an impact on you. At 30, not so much.

HopelessLayout · 22/04/2020 15:05

Do you think it's normal behaviour…
I do think it's normal behaviour for parents, particularly controlling ones, to voice their opinions about their child's choice of life partner and potential problems they forsee in any marriage.
Class, appearance, money are the usual suspects.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 22/04/2020 15:08

I wonder why your DH told you about it?

If someone had said such hurtful and unpleasant things about my DH I would not have gone home and repeated them to him. That would be a strange and unkind thing to do.

HopelessLayout · 22/04/2020 15:10

As the old saying goes, the truth hurts. If FIL's comment had been completely off the mark, it would have had no effect on you OP.
Do you think your weight is or could be an issue for your DH?

Runningonempty84 · 22/04/2020 15:10

Nobody said it was normal behaviour, @southwesterly ...!

HopelessLayout · 22/04/2020 15:10

I wonder why your DH told you about it?

Well yes, exactly.

fallfallfall · 22/04/2020 15:17

I’m agreeing with hopeless, OP.
Your weight and body issues are your own, not FIL, not DH. You and only you put food in your mouth and choose or refuse to exercise. Interesting you’ve chosen a scapegoat who’s dead.

Blackandgreenteas · 22/04/2020 15:20

*I wonder why your DH told you about it

Well yes, exactly.*

^^
I wonder if this is why it still plays on your mind?

If it was just about FIL perhaps you could have put it to bed when he died, but maybe it feels like unfinished business because of your DH’s part?

Elieza · 22/04/2020 15:43

Things only hurt me if there’s a grain of truth.
For example if I was a size 8 and someone said ‘you’ll not be wanting the puddings menu as you’ll be dieting at your size’ I would laugh and say ‘Aye right, my weights fine so pass me the puds menu’.
But if I was a size 18 (which I am) in the same situation it be saying ‘cheeky bugger, Na I don’t want a pud as it happens’. Even if I did. But I might go home a cry because it made me sad because what he said was true and I do want to lose weight but it’s hard.

If you are not comfortable with your body size or shape now is the time to make improvements. When we come out of lockdown we could all be a slightly better version of ourselves.

Don’t let what happened upset you, prove the dead fil wrong.
As for your husband, he probably didn’t know what the fil was on about as he finds you beautiful whatever your size and didn’t think about it before so was totally thrown. It’s not that he didn’t defend you, it’s more he was stunned silent!

Original poster
coronaandtired · 22/04/2020 18:07

I'm afraid @Elieza that I just don't agree with you. I don't think a smaller, slimmer version of me would be a better version of the person I am now. I take pretty good care of myself, and have got to a good place with my size. The issue isn't the size. It's that a family member thought it was ok to make me feel like shit, and that my DH didn't defend me.

OP posts:
Original poster
coronaandtired · 22/04/2020 18:11

Absolute nonsense @fallfallfall - nobody has any right to make unkind comments about a person based on their size, under any circumstances. Yes he's dead, it was incredibly sad losing him, he was my children's' grandfather. We were all devastated. He was a good man in so many ways but he occasionally talked about me, and to me, like shit.

And like people have said I think the real issue here and now is that DH didn't defend me and I'm harbouring resentment about that. I am fully prepared to accept that all the work to be done on this will be done by me in private.

OP posts:
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