to think this is far too lenient for a year 8

[DanishLady]

A family member has a 13 year old boy in year 8. He has just gone 'back' to school for the summer term, but still at home as his mum's not a keyworker. His mum is a stay at home mum although she is a single parent. Dad is nearby but not in the family home. She has other children at home but all older and able to look after themselves.

Throughout the last few weeks of last term and already this week, the boy is currently playing his computer games in his room until the early hours. He has always been allowed to do this on school nights, but now that he's not going into school he is sleeping in until 1/2pm each day. He then does "a couple of hours" of the online school work in the afternoon, which he has to be cajoled into doing, before starting up his games for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

AIBU to think this is awful? I know I'll probably get flamed on here for sticking my nose in, but I'm appalled. I haven't said anything IRL as they are related through my DH rather than my direct family so I've kept out of it.

I've read people saying we should be lenient and relaxed with kids at the moment due to the unusual and stressful circumstances, and I agree, but at the same time I do think this is too lenient and will set a really bad unhealthy precedent for him moving forward.

I’m not entirely sure what else a 13 year old should be doing in the current situation. They can’t go out and meet friends and they’re only allowed out for a walk either alone or with their Mum once a day (who really wanted to do that at 13- let’s face it). The Mum is making them do some educational work for two hours a day which is fine imo.

My youngest is in Y8 and the school have been quite firm about their expectations of an average of 2-3 hrs work per day. My Y10 is targeted for 3-4 hours. Mind your own business, maybe get a hobby?

Not lenient but sounds negligent of the kid’s wellbeing.

thigh that is exactly how I feel and I quite prepared to have it out with the school. We have enough trouble trying to get him to do homework, School work at home? You have to be having a laugh.

I'm with you, OP. Only a couple of hours a day and doesn't finish the work? Sounds like it's not a good way to begin the more challenging years of secondary school. I know these are unprecedented times, but come on. He should reading books rather than playing games all the time.

This is happening in a lot of homes (including mine some days) and you know what? Not anyone else’s business. You do you let other parents concern themselves with their kids.

Yes it's shit parenting but ultimately none of your business.

Sorry I read 8 year old not year 8. I imagine it's way more difficult with a teen so not necessarily shit parenting.

Sounds like he’s living the dream!
Mum needs to have a calm chat with him to put some boundaries in place, but I see less of a problem if he is actually doing some school work every day.
Although it will initially cause some arguments and push back, if mum doesn’t want him on his console so much, she needs to set some parental controls on his device.

I think it all depends on the child.
My 12 yr old DD was spending longer and longer on gaming, later bed times and sleeping later. We let it slide because of the situation and liked the fact she could talk to her friends online but noticed a few weeks in her attitude and general well being was suffering so we've reined it in a bit and given her a more structured day. She's actually happier and we are falling out less.
Some kids though will be absolutely fine and be able to manage themselves.

It's nothing to do with you but I agree with you. It's far too long to be playing on a game and really unhealthy. It's also going to be hard to wean him back into a normal routine when he goes back to school.

I think it would be better to have more structure, but I'm sure I've read previously that teenagers have different circadian rhythms to adults so hormones programme them to sleep/rise later, so perhaps it is for the best? Is he playing games on his own or is he playing online with friends and having a chat? Perhaps the social side if gaming is keeping him sane. The days are getting longer, so as long as he is doing all his schoolwork and getting a bit of fresh air and exercise in the day time, he'll probably be fine.

He isn't getting any exercise at all, not going outside. All he wants to do is play his games. They're not sociable games with his friends, just games like Fortnight and League of Legends etc which he plays with random other players online.

He does play until the early hours. His mum said he texted her this morning at 5am asking for a new game. She didn't read it until she woke up.

I know it's none of my business. DH is family of them though and he is concerned. It's interesting to see the cross section of views on here.

My DS is Y9, this was him for the the last 3.5 weeks whilst on holidays and still would be but unfortunately he is in one of the schools that set work from 850-330. They have to register via zoom so have no choice about sleeping in.

In my experience teens are generally a bit nocturnal in the holidays, I just can't see anything wrong with it really. I would much prefer during lockdown for DS to just be set some work each day and him to do it as and when during that day rather than having to log on before 9. To be fair both my DCs are great at getting on with their work so I guess there is no reason for it to bother us.

Just crossed my post with your update. Not sure I would be ok with him still being up at 5am if it was a regular thing.

I guess also for us the DCs have other interests rather than just gaming so are being quite productive as well as having plenty of time online.

Yabu this sounds like a good percentage of 13 year olds up and down the country tbh

The trouble is that parents these days seem to micro manage their kids right up until there are at least 18. Some of the posts on MN shock me to he honest (ie making 18 yos go to bed at 10pm or something and removing their devices).

Teenagers naturally have odd sleep patterns but essentially if they are able to cope then I think they need fo find their own way. Especially in times like this. Self regulation is such an important skill and these pampered teens are turning into young adults who cant handle proper working.

It's not ideal of course but I definitely did it as a 13/14 yo. My parents were never hands on in that way once I reached that age (they were pretty strict up until I was about 12) and I was working from 14, getting myself up for 6am shifts at weekends (often after 2 hours sleep) and working a 12 hr shift.

I find MN a parallel universe at times. Also if we thought that DB/SIL were parenting differently to us and we didnt agree then we might mention it between DH and I but unless they were putting DN in danger we wouldn't really give it a 2nd thought.

My 13 year old is getting up early, getting his school work done and does spend a good portion of the rest of the day on and off gaming. He comes down to hang out with his dad and I throughout the day, but if he has the chance to be on a game with his mates, then that's what he wants to do. He has also always been a kid who gets himself to bed, so he's very rarely up past 10pm.
Is it ideal or normal? Of course not, but these are strange times. As long as he is willing to spend some time with family and go outside for an hour or so for fresh air, it's not a battle I'm going to enter with him.

I don’t understand how you think this is any of your business.

I didnt think that. I said it's none of my business.

DH is worried though. The boy is his little brother. Normally he'd be there to see him but due to lock down he can't be.

Going to bed at 5/6am and spending every waking hour in front of a screen isn't good for a 13 year old.

It's alright to be worried about people. Mumsnet will have a go at you because you used the word "lenient" which makes it sound like you are critical of the other person's parenting style. But generally speaking, to gauge opinions on whether something like this is in the range of normal for this age group is fine. It's just really whether you can actually do anything to support your MIL (?) or not.