to think this is far too lenient for a year 8

[DanishLady]

A family member has a 13 year old boy in year 8. He has just gone 'back' to school for the summer term, but still at home as his mum's not a keyworker. His mum is a stay at home mum although she is a single parent. Dad is nearby but not in the family home. She has other children at home but all older and able to look after themselves.

Throughout the last few weeks of last term and already this week, the boy is currently playing his computer games in his room until the early hours. He has always been allowed to do this on school nights, but now that he's not going into school he is sleeping in until 1/2pm each day. He then does "a couple of hours" of the online school work in the afternoon, which he has to be cajoled into doing, before starting up his games for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

AIBU to think this is awful? I know I'll probably get flamed on here for sticking my nose in, but I'm appalled. I haven't said anything IRL as they are related through my DH rather than my direct family so I've kept out of it.

I've read people saying we should be lenient and relaxed with kids at the moment due to the unusual and stressful circumstances, and I agree, but at the same time I do think this is too lenient and will set a really bad unhealthy precedent for him moving forward.

As long as he keeps on doing his homework (which probably won't take more than a couple of hours) who cares if he stays up late and wakes up late, it's not like he has somewhere to go. I am sure he will be able to wake up earlier when he needs to go back to school.

You are being an awful busy body (and a really uneducated one . It has been scientifically proven that teens experience a delay in their circadian rhythm. They naturally are more awake at night and sleep later. Maybe not 5 Am, but he'll be fine. )

I have one child (yr5) who is not an early riser and prefers to gets on with her school work later in the day with some support from us. My other child is a very early riser (yr8) and has his timetabled lessons set online and if this is a day when he had P.E lessons then he doesn't have much actual work to get on with. He gets up does his work independently and then when he has finished he is free to do what he wants. Their school work does not take up a whole day. I don't mind if he is gaming because he is able to talk to his friends. Both my kids have completed all work set but at just different times of the day and both have had positive feedback from their teachers.

Is he getting any fresh air or exercise during the day?

This is me too.

My DS's school is following the school timetable, and they are having some 'live' lessons, so he does follow the school day and is getting homework. So some children are getting a full school day, the only thing he 'misses' is the school bus. I think they are also thinking about setting up clubs/activities.

It does help with a routine. His hours were quite different in the last couple of weeks when on holiday and he was gaming much more, although not allowed to game late into the night.

Do you honestly think the mother doesn't care about her child? You think she's casually or intentionally harming him?

Unless she is - and you will know this better than I - assume that she is doing her best. It may not be up to your standard (what do your children of that age do?) but maybe she is prioritising different things to what you think are important.

It would worry me a lot if my year 8 kid was staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning gaming. We were pretty flexible about bedtimes and much more relaxed than usual about screen time during the holidays, but once you are in the pattern of staying up that late, it's really really hard to get out of it.

Do you think she wants some more support? If your DH has supported in the past with homework, could he schedule a Zoom chat late morning with the boy? Is the mum working or possibly overwhelmed/isolated? Would she be open to some support from you?

Did you feel she was telling you about it because she wanted sympathy/normalisation/validation? Or because she was looking for some help?

A bit of an aside. I (as a mother of a 13 year old boy) an actually happy that online gaming exists as it is a way for him to keep in contact with his friends doing something he enjoys a lot.

My teen girls are constantly on video calls with their friends but he just isn't interested in that. He had no interest in watching Netflix, YouTube or the like.

Of course there is a balance to be had with school work, fresh air, sleep etc.

But how bad is it really for teen boys to have an outlet they enjoy that they can do together when they aren't allowed to leave the house. Give them a break.

I wouldn't blame the child but the parents- it's on the way to neglect.

Apologies, I thought he was 8, not year 8. Its not fantastic but acceptable in these times.

@Endofmytether2020 she was offloading a bit, saying she does ask him to do more work but he doesn't listen.

It's definitely not a step son or an ex of DH or anything.

Like everyone else, they are just doing their best to get through this shitty time. Each to their own really weather that be sticking rigidly to 9-3 schooling or slotting in a few hours between gaming, does it actually bloody matter at the minute?

A couple of hours sounds quite good to me. My teenage children work hard in school and do really well, but I'm struggling to get them to do more than an hour or so.

The pp who was offended I said she's a single Mum... I did so to put context out there. 1. She has it harder because she's on her own without back up,
but in the other hand
2) she doesn't work so has some time available to supervise.

It doesn’t really matter as long as he is getting his work done.

What’s the problem if the child wakes up in the afternoon? The child can do the school work whenever they please

I don't think this is a time to keep to strict rules tbh. My DS are also online gaming much of the day and chatting on Discord, but this is how they are socialising with their friends, whose parents are obviously also letting them do it. Without this they would have little or no social contact and I think its fine.

I also CBA to care when they get up. Older one has no responsibilities at present (furloughed) and younger has some online lessons but they are a bit patchy, never a full day and some of them, like meditation, he is skipping. As long as he keeps lesson ticking over I think that is fine. In Year 8 I would have cared even less.

Maybe mum is also a night owl and actually, having no school means they can both keep to more continental hours?

I think for your own wellbeing you just need to give less of a shit what others are doing and concentrate of your own perfect parenting

"Continental hours"!! Is that what you call going to bed at 6am these days!

i highly doubt he’s going to bed at 6am. op only said that further down the posts when it was clear people weren’t on her side.

I am a lone parent doing very little work from home. My ds always goes to bed/sleep at a reasonable time but I don't think that's anything to do with my parenting, it's just the way he is. He likes a good sleep at night time and to be up reasonably early.

DanishLady Tue 21-Apr-20 14:40:48
@Endofmytether2020 she was offloading a bit, saying she does ask him to do more work but he doesn't listen.

I'd maybe just check in with her a bit more, see if there is anything you can do to help, etc. TBH though, may be she just needs to run with it for now, and when things are more normal hopefully she will be able to reset the ground rules.

I thinks it's fine. I had all the best intentions before lockdown as to how we would handle things. It lasted for the first week in which we realised that the schoolwork takes 2-3 hours maximum. They have all day to complete this and meet all deadlines so after the Easter hols, my daughter in yr9 is up for 10, my year 7 son sometimes 11, if I don't go up and wake him he will sleep till 1.
So long as they're getting their work done and are happy, i don't let it bother me.

Sounds like my house. It's the only way my teen, ASD ds can cope with being in lockdown. I'll deal with any consequences later on but for now I'll do whatever I can to keep his anxiety at a minimum.