When it comes to house stuff, who is the boss?

[GettingFatterByTheDay]

I wanted crazy paving. DH said no so that was the end of that.

I wanted turf instead of real grass but DH said no so that was the end of that.

I wanted the scruffy computer put in an office upstairs and to keep the dining room as a dining room but DH said no so that was the end of that.

I’m getting a bit fucked off with it now if I’m honest!! I want garden gnomes and fun stuff for the garden but dad says no ... I feel like a child having to natter their dad for new toys.

It’s not a money issue.

My ex was like this. The amount of shit I put up with was unreal now I’m in a normal healthy mutually respectful relationship. I was like the boiled frog.

No one is the boss in this household. We discuss things, listen to each other and make plans/purchases accordingly.

You don’t have to put up with it. What would happen if you kicked back?

I hate garden gnomes by the way so some of this is a matter of personal taste but you both live there and have to be able to talk about things properly.

I don’t mean actual garden gnomes, just ornaments, dog ornaments mainly. I don’t know what he’s dolls do if I just went ahead and did this stuff, have always adopted the role of the good little wife I suppose. This lockdown business is making me less tolerant of bullshit.

We’d have a conversation about all things like that in this house. What would happen if you bought a gnome anyway?

I don't even ask I just do 🤷🏻‍♀️

A relationship is about compromise on both sides.
What were the logical points made for his objections? I’d have argued against AstroTurf, but I’d have valid reasons why. I’m not keen on gnomes, but if my OH really wanted them, what objection could I make not based on my personal opinion?
So get talking as equals.

I couldn't live like that.

No I would not be having this. Why isn’t he taking your opinions seriously? Put your foot down OP

We have a dog that digs like hell so the garden is now full of muddy holes. Plus the back of the garden floods when it rains and the whole thing is like a massive bog. Fake grass would be cleaner and more appealing on the eyes imo

No wonder you’re getting fed up. He’s not your ‘boss’.
Time to start doing what you want?

Normally I'd say it should be a joint decision, but you obviously have awful taste and need to be overruled.

His arguments against are:

Turf ... looks shit and is expensive
Crazy paving ... old fashioned
Gnomes/ornaments ... tacky
Computer upstairs ... just “no”

Nobody. Everything is discussed and if it gets heated we pause. Might be a couple of hours, or days, before we approach it again but it will be a mutual conclusion.
Some of the things you mention would be a whole family discussion but DH and I make the final decision.

Just buy garden ornaments and put them in. Fake grass is not v good for the environment though

What awful taste? The turf would be cleaner and more practical and everyone on my dog groups say it’s the best thing they ever invested in.

Gnomes/ ornaments will make me smile when I see them. It’s not hurting anyone, nobody will see them

Turf is real grass though.

And generally we agree on stuff or compromise with the occasional "it's a non negotiable and we're having/doing it" from me

It’s about compromise I think. However I do think that when it comes to a change or spending a significant amount of money then there has to be two years, so the person saying no does have the power of veto. WRT the lawn and crazy paving, can’t you talk about what you each want and agree something for the garden that you both like? WRT to computer - it really depends on how much this room is used, what the other space upstairs is like, whether it meets everyone’s needs, what the upstairs space is currently being used for etc. Again, you need to find out what both of you want and try to find a way forward. I don’t think just getting cross that he hasn’t agreed is productive.

*two yeses- ie both people agree or it doesn’t happen!

But it’s never a discussion it’s just “no” and that’s what is annoying me.

We have 3 spare bedrooms ... that’s a hell of a lot of unused space. One could easily be an office and we’d still have two spare bedrooms!!

Yanbu if he won’t discuss it. Can’t you start a discussion? Eg, why don’t you want to move the computer? What kind of paving do you want? Here is what is bothering me... what do you think we can do about it? If he won’t have conversations like that he does sound like a bit of a twat.

If you just bought some garden ornaments and put them in the garden, what would he do?

He’s always far too stressed/tired to discuss things supposedly. It’s getting right on my tits now.

If I went ahead and bought ornaments he’d probably go in a mood about me wasting money

Is that because you’re accepting the ‘no’ without further discussion? Or because you don’t feel you can push for further discussion?

First one, I’d say find your voice and stand up for yourself. It doesn’t have to be confrontational as long as the tone is set correctly.
Second one, I’d be questioning the relationship as a whole.

I wouldn't take that! Relationship should be mutual and not one a dictator. Is his father a dictator to his mother? I find a lot of times people just go with how they were brought up.