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AIBU?

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Original poster

When it comes to house stuff, who is the boss?

75 replies

GettingFatterByTheDay · 20/04/2020 14:35

I wanted crazy paving. DH said no so that was the end of that.

I wanted turf instead of real grass but DH said no so that was the end of that.

I wanted the scruffy computer put in an office upstairs and to keep the dining room as a dining room but DH said no so that was the end of that.

I’m getting a bit fucked off with it now if I’m honest!! I want garden gnomes and fun stuff for the garden but dad says no ... I feel like a child having to natter their dad for new toys.

It’s not a money issue.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2020 15:03

Do you get to veto things?

If not, why not?

Thighmageddon · 20/04/2020 15:03

If I went ahead and bought ornaments he’d probably go in a mood about me wasting money

If that's all he'd do then I'd buy the bloody ornaments, ignore his sulking and tell him you like them and they're staying. Start to stand your ground.

Titsywoo · 20/04/2020 15:06

Probably me but more because I care more and DH never has any specific ideas so although I ask him he usually just says "Do whatever you want". He seems to like the way the house has turned out although I think if he lived alone his house would look like an 80's bachelor pad Grin

He did ask if he could choose the decor for the bedroom since I basically chose the rest of the house. I've said ok but I'm a little scared!

Your DH doesn't sound very nice tbh.

Escolar · 20/04/2020 15:06

It depends. For something 'unusual' like turf / crazy paving / garden ornaments I'd say you both have to agree, or else reach a compromise of some kind (eg OK I'll put up with your choice of garden paving if I get to choose the wallpaper for the bedroom).

But it sounds like you've got a point about the computer. I wouldn't be happy at all with "he just says no" and me not having a say at all.

aupresdemonarbre · 20/04/2020 15:06

Try talking on a weekend rather than a weeknight if you haven’t already done this? Or raise it and give him some time to think it over? I’m not denying that he may simply be twattish but at the same time, I personally would want a bit of time to think about stuff like garden remodelling, think about options, prices etc, and I probably wouldn’t just answer with a resounding yes if my DH just said “let’s get crazy paving and a new lawn” over dinner one night.

aupresdemonarbre · 20/04/2020 15:08

I also agree that stuff that has specific “look” such as crazy paving or gnomes has to have a buy-in from both parties.

AravisTarkheena · 20/04/2020 15:11

I mean I hate Astro turf in gardens so I get that but I wouldn’t expect EVERY desire of mine to be vetoed. So I’d expect, fine we can have really grass but I’m getting gnomes! And for him to be ok with that.

AravisTarkheena · 20/04/2020 15:11

The computer upstairs issue is on him though - I would definitely prefer that to be out if the way!

Blackandgreenteas · 20/04/2020 15:12

Generally I agree that no one person should be in charge. It should be give and take. I had an exh who was v controlling about the house, and I’m only getting the hang of being “allowed” to decide things myself very slowly after leaving.

Crazy paving, gnomes, etc don’t sound great to me, so I think you really need buy in from both people for something so dramatic / specific/ unusual.

The printer thing you definitely have a point!

Who spends more time in the house? Who uses the printer?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 20/04/2020 15:15

Turf ... looks shit and is expensive Well-done it looks ok, it's shit for the environment though. Expensive and dog wee will make it stink in summer - friends of ours have to use specialist soap bought from one shop in London to get the scent of dog piss off theirs.
Crazy paving ... old fashioned Done in York stone looks incredible. Otherwise no.

Gnomes/ornaments ... tacky Correct. Let this one go.
Computer upstairs ... just “no” Move the computer and say "just no, it doesn't live in the dining room".

You live there too. He doesn't get to just veto stuff without discussion. If he wants that life he should possibly piss off and live by himself because relationships are about compromise.

kellydon6 · 20/04/2020 15:15

I suppose I'm boss but all decisions are discussed and considered
However we had a similar discussion.
DP wanted turf I said no as I hate how it looks, so he didn't say it again.

DP wanted trees cut down, I didn't care so helped him speak to a tree surgeon.

Most things I will have final say on but they aren't usually my way or the high way, DP just comes out with some stupid shit sometimes

mocktail · 20/04/2020 15:17

Tricky. I wouldn't agree to artificial turf either, for environmental/wildlife/taste reasons. And I haven't known anyone put in crazy paving since the 70s!

Could you decide which ones you're willing to concede and use them as a bargaining chip for the others?

Or both draw up a list of eg paving you like and see if there's any overlap, or anything from each other's lists you like even if it wouldn't have been your first choice?

KatharinaRosalie · 20/04/2020 15:19

I think for big renovation decisions that both parties need to live with, each should have veto rights. And you need to find another solution.

What happens if he wants to do something and you simply say no?

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/04/2020 15:19

Usually my DH as he has a better sense for aesthetics than me. I really couldn’t care less about these things.

But sounds like both you and your DH do care and you seem to have different tastes. Is it always what he wants and never what you want? Or are these two things- crazy paving and fake grass the only two things he’s refused to agree to?

The computer thing I do not understand, could it have been about being close to the WiFi router? A friend has the dining room as a gaming room specifically because the bedrooms are too far away for a good strong signal.

mocktail · 20/04/2020 15:20

Do you have children who use the PC? If so it's often advised to have it downstairs in a communal room so that there's a level of supervision when they're online. If no DC or no unsupervised internet etc then ignore this point!

Lazypuppy · 20/04/2020 15:20

I don't even know why you are asking.

If i want to buy something i do.same for my dp.if he wants me to contribute/its very expensive we discuss

1555CC · 20/04/2020 15:20

I live my life by the maxim "it's easier to apologise than to get permission." Just do what I want.

I once saw an advert in the paper for a motorbike for sale. Something like "For sale, Suzuki 750GSX, only 2 weeks old, genuine reason for sale...apparently "do what the fuck you like" doesn't actually mean what it says.

Ninkanink · 20/04/2020 15:21

Oh god sorry but he’s right about the nasty, naff artificial turf! You should thank him for keeping you from installing such a monstrosity.

In every other aspect, though, he’s entirely out of order. He’s not your boss, and you should stop treating him as if he is. If you’d like an ornament or two for the garden, get some! He can moan about wasting money, and you can just ignore him. Or is he in charge of the money too?

Wiaa · 20/04/2020 15:27

We tend to have very similar tastes in most things so if one of us suggests a colour scheme for example the other will probably agree and then we'd just look at actual shades together to decide which ones we like best. We do have veto though if one of us really doesn't like/want something then it is a no means no situation but neither of us have ever used the veto unfairly for example We're having an extension once lock down is over and we've not designed the kitchen layout yet dh has vetoed galley style as he hates them but has kept galley style with a peninsular in the mix and I've vetoed an undercounter oven as that's what we have now and I hate it and the door is too hot for our 1yr old. Garden ornaments seems a weird thing to veto though.

Stompythedinosaur · 20/04/2020 15:33

It's no way to live. Can you have a conversation about how you feel the house and garden only reflect his tastes?

I go d it a bit odd as tbh dp tends to be happy to me and the dc to have things in a way that makes us happy. Equally the o my thing he really felt strongly about (a fire pit) was accommodated. Because we want each other to be happy.

Btw op, I have plenty of decorations that would be considered tacky - I couldn't care because they make me happy.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 20/04/2020 15:44

Why should anyone be the "boss" ? A house is a home, and when people share the home there is - or should be - respect. My husband has some things here that I would not have chosen, and I am pretty sure that I have things that he wouldn't have chosen - (I am looking at the Chinese waving cat sitting on the mantelpiece - his, not mine). Enjoy a happy home and give up on the "stuff".

Fluffybutter · 20/04/2020 15:47

We are both the “boss” of one of us isn’t happy with something then we try and find an alternative that we are both happy with.
If we can’t then we leave it as is.
Most times though one of us will come round to the others way of thinking

Mistymonday · 20/04/2020 16:01

Fake grass is an abomination! And crazy paving, Is it the 80s?I’m with your DH here tbh! He sounds sensible...

littlejalapeno · 20/04/2020 16:10

Hmmmmm, that’s crap OP. We have a debate over the things we disagree on at least. I win some, he does, we both pick our battles. I think I get my way slightly more because of that old saying “happy wife, happy life” 😉🤣 but we are a team and try our best to communicate about it. Can you have a frank and friendly convo with your DP about this?

HollowTalk · 22/04/2020 16:36

It's so hard because obviously it's your home, too, but if my partner wanted fake grass and garden gnomes and crazy paving I would be heading for the divorce lawyers!