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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to message my DCs?

61 replies

NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:06

My STBExH and I have very recently separated. It’s coming up to two weeks, so this is all very new. Nothing re contact arrangements has been formally agreed with solicitors, and I haven’t yet filed for divorce.

I genuinely don’t know if IABU or not, and am fully prepared to be told that I am.

The DCs are 10, 12 and 14 and are at their dad’s this weekend. Tonight I have phoned two of them. One because I’d received a text message saying that a parcel had been delivered 2 days ago, and wanted to check if it had actually been delivered, and my DD to discuss arrangements for tomorrow.

I have just received a text from H telling me that we need to set some ground rules, as he is finding me texting and phoning the children disrespectful to him.

I have absolutely no problem if he messages and/or phones the children when they are at my house. I told him this in my reply to his text.

I could understand if they were younger, and me contacting them was unsettling them, and making it harder for him to get them to sleep, for example, but this is absolutely not the case.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:07

Sorry to drip feed...both the DCs were in their bedrooms when I called. It’s not like they were in the middle of a family meal.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 19/04/2020 22:11

Yeah its invasive. You have the children the majority of the time. Let him have his weekends with out you interrupting. You didn't need to call over the delivery. A text saying yes would have sufficed. Also the arrangements about tomorrow should have already been discussed before they left. Let him enjoy his time with the kids

LouiseTrees · 19/04/2020 22:11

If they are more often with you then they are only with him for a finite time so if it’s not 50:50 custody then just wait til they come home. There’s no point getting into it over something that is so easily fixed by just not texting them.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 19/04/2020 22:13

Hmm it's difficult because calls can be intrusive and he doesn't have much time with them. On the other hand it sounds like he wasn't making use of that time in the moments you called.

It's probably that it's all new and he feels he's being checked up on. In future arrangements for your time should probably be made on your time where possible and non urgent questions should be text or wait until they're home with you.

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:15

The children spend their time 50:50 between both houses.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:17

He doesn’t want me texting them either. Yes, he perhaps felt like I was checking up, but I was checking up on a parcel, not on his parenting IYSWIM.

Thanks for your opinions so far. ☺️

OP posts:
amy85 · 19/04/2020 22:20

So if he's demanding that I take it he never contacts them when they are at yours?

AudaCityLimits · 19/04/2020 22:20

I think it's very very new and unsettling for them, and that perhaps a phone call, whilst not visibly distressing them, can be unsettling. You would not know if this was the case at this point. Especially with a practical thing like parcwl delivery- that's not the responsibility of your child, talk to your ex about it.
So I would leave it tbh. (Not having a go at you btw. I wish someone would have told me the same. DC are far more settled and happy when I don't bother them on the phone. Even now, 8 years down the line with a v. mature teen, chatting on messenger when he is keen is enough.)

CodenameVillanelle · 19/04/2020 22:20

I would be fucking furious if my XH told me not to text my DS while he was with him! It would be a stupid thing to ask too since DS has his own phone and would text me regularly anyway. I assume your kids have their own phones at those ages? Why does he even know you've text them? Is he looking through their phones to check?

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:22

Ok. I’m glad I asked on here.

Re the delivery, I mentioned it a couple of days ago to H and asked him to let me know if it arrived. I did try texting DS about it but he didn’t respond so I called him.

But I take it on board - it could have waited till tomorrow.

So what do other people do? Do you arrange a time to speak to your DCs, or just not contact them at all when they are at the other parent’s house? Are you free to text your children?

OP posts:
AudaCityLimits · 19/04/2020 22:23

Plus, it is not up to your DC to arrange any practicalities- parcels, pickups, dropoffs. This is so so new to them, and this is the bit where you show them that you will co-parent, however difficult it may be. Show them that NONE of the responsibilities will be transferred to them.

Iwantacookie · 19/04/2020 22:24

If your dc are old enough to have their own phones surely they get to decide who they talk to?Confused

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/04/2020 22:24

Because of your dc age I’d only text if they texted me tbh, I’m assuming they all have phones. If they text mum first of course your reply but otherwise leave them to be with dad

Your post does sound like you were looking for reasons to call to be honest. I get you miss them but they have 2 parents and your getting divorced this is the new normal

ElfDragon · 19/04/2020 22:24

That’s just ridiculous.

The children are also in this new situation. They are, presumably, used to chatting/bro g in contact with both parents most days. There’s no reason that can’t continue, with obvious caveats re: not messing up plans or mealtimes etc (which you’re already taking into account).

Don’t let your ex turn this into an ‘us and them ’ situation, it would be so damaging. As long as everything goes both ways (and you say it’s fine for him to message them when they are with you) then keeping things as carefree as possible is the way to go.

Windyatthebeach · 19/04/2020 22:27

If he hardly had them then maybe intrusive but 50 /50?? Would not be told I couldn't even contact my dc 50 %of their lives!!
Fuck that.
Old enough to have a phone. Old enough to use one and answer the bloody thing!!

ElfDragon · 19/04/2020 22:29

Wrt to want we do about contact when dc are with the other parent:

My dc have SN, so it may be a little different. We have a daily phonecall. ExH phones each evening to say goodnight. When dc are at his house, I see them every day anyway. 2 out of 3 dc don’t want to stay overnight at his house, so I collect/drop off each night and morning. If I didn’t see them each day, I would call the dc who does stay, just as ExH calls here. This is what the dc want, but again, SN dictate some of this.

Original poster
NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:30

@AudaCityLimits the parcel was for my son, but it had my name on it.

@CodenameVillanelle (great name!) well I’m with you. In this day & age it seems unnatural. Yes, they have their own phones.

I phoned my son re the parcel because he didn’t respond to my text. He said he’d go downstairs to look if a card had been pushed through, and he was talking to me on the phone as he went downstairs. So H heard him. I assume he’s been asking the children if I’ve messaged them, or if he’s heard a message alert, he’s asked them who it was from.

The thing that struck me was his message stating that “it is very disrespectful” to him, for me to contact the children on “his” days. If he messaged them when they’re with me, I wouldn’t consider it to be a sign of him disrespecting me; I would just think ... oh, he’s messaging them/ phoning for a chat.

OP posts:
pocketem · 19/04/2020 22:38

Really unreasonable, and cruel too. Leave them be when they are at their dad's.

Mascotte · 19/04/2020 22:45

I just text mine. Leave it to him whether to respond. Feel like that’s a normal thing to do? I’m happy for ex to message him here, I don’t get involved. My dc is 11. I think it’s fine to message if it’s just casual.

Mascotte · 19/04/2020 22:46

@NeverGuessWho I think it’s really weird all the posts saying no messages. YANBU. ID think it’s weird not to message

Samtsirch · 19/04/2020 22:59

If they have their own phones, they will text you if they need you or want to contact you.
Step back when they are with their dad.
You may come across as lonely or needy, then your children will feel guilty about leaving you or worry about you when they are not with you.
That’s far too much pressure to put on them.

Blackandgreenteas · 19/04/2020 23:03

If your dc are old enough to have their own phones surely they get to decide who they talk to?confused

This, totally.

I hardly ever phone or text my dd when she’s with exh, but i always respond to her etc if she texts. I might contact if I needed to for any reason. I don’t mind if exh calls her.

Your exh is being a bit precious imo.

Itwasntme1 · 19/04/2020 23:08

Your ex sounds controlling. Surely it makes it easier on the kids if they can chat to either parent when necessary?

And agree you hey are old enough to manage their own communications.

PorpentiaScamander · 19/04/2020 23:08

I text/call my DC whenever I want/need to. Their dad is welcome to do the same. (He doesn't)
They reply when it's convenient.

boredboredboredboredbored · 19/04/2020 23:11

Mine are 16 & 15 and always text each either when they're are their Dads. Never thought anything if it. He's being an arse.