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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to message my DCs?

61 replies

NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 22:06

My STBExH and I have very recently separated. It’s coming up to two weeks, so this is all very new. Nothing re contact arrangements has been formally agreed with solicitors, and I haven’t yet filed for divorce.

I genuinely don’t know if IABU or not, and am fully prepared to be told that I am.

The DCs are 10, 12 and 14 and are at their dad’s this weekend. Tonight I have phoned two of them. One because I’d received a text message saying that a parcel had been delivered 2 days ago, and wanted to check if it had actually been delivered, and my DD to discuss arrangements for tomorrow.

I have just received a text from H telling me that we need to set some ground rules, as he is finding me texting and phoning the children disrespectful to him.

I have absolutely no problem if he messages and/or phones the children when they are at my house. I told him this in my reply to his text.

I could understand if they were younger, and me contacting them was unsettling them, and making it harder for him to get them to sleep, for example, but this is absolutely not the case.

AIBU?

OP posts:

aleC4 · 19/04/2020 23:11

I text my dc whenever I want regardless of whether they are at their dad's or not.
I think he is being unreasonable not you.
My ex would get a right mouthful if he tried to stop me contacting my children. To be honest, the dc would probably give him what for before me.
He is also welcome to ring them or message them when they are with me. Why would I stop him? He's their dad.

Chloemol · 19/04/2020 23:12

I don’t see the issue. However he has said there is one, so in that case I wouldn’t contact them, however I would also make sure he doesn’t contact them when they are with you

Original poster

NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 23:15

Thank you for all these opinions.

OP posts:

pallisers · 19/04/2020 23:18

Do people really think it is ok for a mother or father not to be able to send a text or phone their child because of a divorce?

How is that good for the children? absent abuse, surely they should be able to receive calls/texts/whatever any time from their actual parent? Like conversation, texts about a package, a text saying "god did you just see this meme on facebook" or whatever. 50/50 doesn't mean that for 50 percent of the time you pretend the other parent doesn't exist.... does it? I thought it meant an integrated life where both parents are 100 percent present in your life and you spend half your time in each of your homes with them.

Who knew it was about being "respectful" of the other parent and not bout the child's life at all?

pallisers · 19/04/2020 23:19

so in that case I wouldn’t contact them, however I would also make sure he doesn’t contact them when they are with you

I can see why you would say this - I would too on some level - but on what planet it this in the best interests of the children rather than the territorial marking of the parents?

lyralalala · 19/04/2020 23:20

I agree that you should be able to text them whenever. However I did try texting DS about it but he didn’t respond so I called him really, really annoys me when ex does it. Generally if someone doesn't reply to a text it's because they are busy and I am trying to teach my kids that if they are in the middle of something they don't have to drop it for a text (especially a non-urgent one).

It's early days so set up your groundrules, but unless you are texting them twenty times a day he's being unreasonable.

WhoWants2Know · 19/04/2020 23:22

Lol, we message each other when we're in the same house, let alone when they're elsewhere.

I think as long as you aren't pressuring them for an immediate response, it's fine to text back and forth. I would never want my kids to think they couldn't talk to their other parent!

Example: my oldest started her first period while at her dad's house. She sure as hell didn't want to be asking him questions about how to deal with it, and he wouldn't have known what to do!

Original poster

NeverGuessWho · 19/04/2020 23:22

@pallisers

That’s exactly what I’ve been feeling and thinking.

OP posts:

spongedog · 19/04/2020 23:23

I am a few years on from you. My ex (or rather his partner) tried to pull this stunt. Even now they are very odd about DC contact when they are with them. I was always clear to my DC that they could always call their dad at any time when they were with me (subject to it not being meal time, bedtime or just going out to school, etc). My DC (teenagers) laugh about it and ignore the nonsense. However it merely re-enforces to them that their dad and his partner are odd. I find that sad, certainly not of my making, but i will no longer waste my time telling my teenagers not to be so rude and that it is OK. Because it isnt.

What makes me really angry as the adult is that a family court talk to us about co-parenting. Yet this rubbishy attempt to control is ignored.

lyralalala · 19/04/2020 23:24

so in that case I wouldn’t contact them, however I would also make sure he doesn’t contact them when they are with you

Also I wouldn't stoop to this.

My ex is an absolute arse. He was an absolute arse about contact. He was petty and vindictive.

I wasn't. My kids were told that they could text or call me anytime. We had a code (mainly for friends) that they could text that meant I'd ring them right away (particularly useful when they don't want to lose face in front of peers and need you to 'tell' them to come home). I never engaged in pettiness as tempting as it was.

Guess who the kids always text first now? Don't rise to pettiness

Theresnobslikeshowb · 19/04/2020 23:24

Me and exdp had 50:50 from when ds was 2, he’s now 19. We used to text each other daily as parents when he was little- ds had a good day in nursery/school, ds wasn’t feeling very well tonight, ds has homework for Friday etc, that type of thing. When he got to 11, he would text if he remembered, but we only text each other as parents if there was something we needed to tell the other. We fully trusted each other with ds, knew we’d be contacted if there were any problems, and ds would contact if he wanted to chat.
I would be annoyed if ex had phoned a lot and so on, I would feel he didn’t trust me as a parent. But thankfully that never happened.

RandomMess · 19/04/2020 23:25

I think your ex is being ridiculous tbh. The two older ones have their own phone and can text and phone you if they want

Stick to texting I guess...

Daftodil · 19/04/2020 23:29

They are your children. You don't need anybody else to give you permission to contact them (unless there is a huge backstory involving a judge and legal papers). If you were calling every night they are there and insisting they talk to you for 3 hours I could see he might get annoyed, but from the examples you've given, he is being ridiculous.

Hohohole · 19/04/2020 23:29

I ring every night my child is with her father. Have done for the past 7 years. We also send each other pictures and messages.It would be weird not to.

OhMsBeliever · 19/04/2020 23:31

Wtf. Call them, text them! As long as you're not doing it all bloody day then contact them when you like, and he can do the same when they're with you.

I can't believe people are saying you must have no contact because it's his time. When I was with my ex and his kids were staying they were allowed as much contact with their mum as they liked. Equally when they were with her they contacted us whenever they wanted.

Now I'm not with my ex I'd have no problem with the same thing if our kids were with him, and when they're with me.

converseandjeans · 19/04/2020 23:32

He's being controlling. It's your children so you should be allowed to text etc. I would struggle with being told not to even text tbh. I'm surprised that people are agreeing with him. Especially as it's 50/50 contact.

MillicentMartha · 19/04/2020 23:32

Mine were in a different situation, they only spent 3 nights at their dad’s EOW so I didn’t phone them. It did seem like interfering with his time. They were 9, 11 and 13.

As time went on and the oldest got more into messaging his friends we started messaging occasionally for similar reasons to your parcel being delivered. Not just for a chat, but to check something etc. I do the same with the younger 2 now. Their dad probably doesn’t notice. As they got older my DC will message him directly about arrangements, like picking them up after an after school club or whatever. Saves me having to contact him.

I’d be tempted to suggest you message them once in the middle of their week with their dad as it’s a long time without any contact. Maybe a set time to have a quick chat, touch base. That seems very reasonable to me. Suggest he could do the same if he wants to. I don’t think he can claim that’s unreasonable, especially if you were their main carer.

pallisers · 19/04/2020 23:33

You know, OP, it is possible that your ex is more angsty than usual because in fairness, these circumstances are trying us all.

Maybe just say to him look I understand how you feel and don't want to fall out but I'd hate for the kids to think they couldn't text or talk to you or vice versa when they are with me, so maybe the same for when they are with you. Nothing about respect just they like to talk to both of us all the time and not one of us 50 percent of the time.

leolion81 · 19/04/2020 23:39

You don't need permission to speak to the children you gave birth to! In my opinion you don't even need a specific reason to call/ text, I would speak to my child just because I wanted to.
'Ground rules' seems to be control if you ask me.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 19/04/2020 23:39

I'm really missing something here, exdh contacts DC every night while they are with me (resident parent and as his dm who he lives with is shielding they currently aren't able to visit him) but I also ring to say goodnight when they are with him. I totally get it's different as my DC are 7 and 4 , and obviously will not be ringing to say goodnight when they are older but I cannot imagine a scenario where it would be an issue for either exdh or I to contact DC when they are with the other.

Surely it's only invasive if its excessive and for stupid stuff that can wait ?

Savingshoes · 19/04/2020 23:40

I would respond with "yes, I think it's a great idea. We could go over communication rules altogether. Shall we start with, when parcels arrive and I ask you to communicate with me - it shouldn't be left to any of our DCs to respond. I appreciate this separation is as new for you as it is for me though so we have a lot of ironing out to do"
Not sure what level of antagonistic this might come out as though.

JaniceBattersby · 19/04/2020 23:42

I would tell him it’s not a competition and the children are easily old enough to be able to autonomously decide whether they need to speak to your or not. Setting this up as an adversarial situation is never going to be good for the kids. He’s not thinking about them he’s thinking about himself.

monkeymonkey2010 · 19/04/2020 23:45

If it were me, i'd feel a bit pissed off too.
Recently separated, own houses but ex still sending parcels in their name to my house - especially when the child it's for lives with the other parent during the week....then the texts and phone calls "but i was only"....you could have confirmed the 'arrangements for tomorrow' before your child left your house....

It's been 2 weeks so the change is still new, but you do need to respect each others boundaries.
If he's only got them on a weekend, is it really asking too much to just let them be unless it's an emergency?

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2020 23:51

Totally weird to say you suddenly can’t talk to your kids 50% of the time. I’d just nicely say we are both their parents and allowed to contact them as well as them allowed to contact us. I’d never stop you contacting them without good reason.

FlaskMaster · 20/04/2020 00:05

Nah I'd tell him to fuck off tbh. He doesn't get to tell you when you can and can't contact your kids. If there's a specific time he wants to not be interrupted, like dinner time, he can take their phones away for that, but otherwise, just to specifically exclude you from their lives 50% of the time for no reason other than he doesn't like it, nope! Fuck off.

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