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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here??

90 replies

BePositive84 · 19/04/2020 12:44

Hi,

So I have known my friend for 15 years. He is 38, lives alone and is a bit of a gamer.

Whenever I go round to see him, he is constantly on his phone. I’ve lost count the amount of times I have been talking and just given up because he was on his phone and wasn’t paying attention. If he isn’t on his phone when I go round, he’s then staring at the tv when I’m trying to talk. So I usually just give up and go home.

If I ring him, he answers, but is on his computer games and I can tell he is not listening to a word I am saying, but if I ever mention it or make a comment about his lack of attention, he gets really defensive over it and kinda snaps back.

A few weeks ago, a relative of mine passed away due to covid19. Absolutely awful and as a family we are terribly upset and what makes it harder is the social distancing, we can’t even be together right now.

Last week, I rang my friend and told him the funeral was on Wednesday. He was on his game as usual, and I kinda knew that he wasn’t paying attention.

The day of the funeral came and I got so many messages off people wishing us luck for the day and sending lots of love to me and my family. Did I hear from my friend? No.

The funeral was horrific. Saddest funeral I have ever been too. My relative was only 47 and has left behind a 17 year old son.

Two days later, my friend sent me a message saying “did you say today was the funeral?”. I left it a while and just replied “no. It was two days ago. I did tell you it was on Wednesday, but you were too busy on your computer”.

He never replied to me.

I have known him too long and I know his silence means HE is annoyed at ME!!
Annoyed at me for daring to bring up his constant gaming.

His silence is making me more annoyed and upset, in an already upsetting time.

Who is in the wrong here???

OP posts:
FlamedToACrisp · 19/04/2020 14:33

Agree 100% with @PlanDeRaccordement. He obviously has issues that go way deeper than being lazy, or even uncaring. You cannot fix him, or even help him, until he's ready to face the truth about his gaming addiction. This is perhaps the worst time to try, anyway, while he's isolating and you are so hurt and vulnerable. You have my sympathy for your loss.

StarUtopia · 19/04/2020 14:34

What do you get out of this friendship? I'm honestly struggling to see the attraction.

Take the opportunity to cut ties - agree 100% with what everyone else has said.

He's no friend. Maybe you like the idea of having waifs and strays you can 'fix' but no one got time for this shit.

So sorry for your loss.

unhappyclap · 19/04/2020 14:42

Sorry about your relative who died firstly, but this guy isn't a friend. If he carries on like this, he'll have no friends left!

TheGirlWithAPrince · 19/04/2020 14:49

Agree with all the others

FrankieDoyle · 19/04/2020 14:54

Friends dont treat you like this. I'm sorry.

ElloElloVera · 19/04/2020 14:57

He’s shown you who he is time and again. You’re supposed to believe him the first time.

He’s not your friend.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 19/04/2020 15:05

You get nothing from this friendship. Write it off.

ACertainSupermarket · 19/04/2020 15:09

He's not a very good friend, is he? I'd get on with better things in your life. Sorry for your loss.

inwood · 19/04/2020 15:12

What on Earth do you get from this 'friendship'?

Carolduckingbaskin · 19/04/2020 15:12

Sorry for your loss OP. Flowers
This isn’t a friendship - he sounds extremely disinterested in you. Has there been a romantic connection there? Am just wondering if this is the reason you’ve been a bit blind to what a terrible friend he is.

However, cut your losses - like you said, loads of others got in touch to wish you well - focus your time and energy on them instead.

ChristmasCarcass · 19/04/2020 15:21

He’s blanking you for pointing out he missed the funeral? What an arsehole.

I’d wait and see how long before he gets back in touch. You will either literally never hear from him again in your life, or he’ll be back in touch in a few months when he wants a favour off you (at which point he will have conveniently “forgotten” that he missed the funeral), but you won’t hear a peep before then.

Winter2020 · 19/04/2020 15:22

If he can't be bothered to look at you when you visit or listen when you are on the phone then don't visit or phone again. Why would you?

If he gets in touch (and you want to be friends) tell him you can go for a drink or get a takeaway when this is over but only if he is willing to actually spend time with you (not on his game or phone. Otherwise tell him to not to waste your time. If you don't value yourself he certainly won't.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/04/2020 15:23

Please find a good therapist and with their help, find out why you define ‘friendship’ to mean showing you so little regard or respect.

Christ, why are some people in MN so desperate to over-analyse? Sometimes people are just twats. OP’s friend is a twat. She should ditch him. She doesn’t need therapy!

1forAll74 · 19/04/2020 15:25

Not quite the same situation as yours, But before lock down,I stopped going to my local pub for a drink and a chat, as 90% of people have their phones on the bar,or tables,and it was impossible to have any conversations with most of them, due to their phone addictions. I am not sure why they go out to a pub,when all they do is stand texting,scrolling,and often showing people endless stupid and nondescript photo's, not to mention taking selfies all night. So basically I ignore phone addicted zombies now.

Beautiful3 · 19/04/2020 15:32

Leave him to it. He is not a good friend to you.

PleaseStopSayingNewNormal · 19/04/2020 15:33

I wouldn't worry that you've offended him. He offended first, and he'll survive the implication that he hasn't been much of a friend lately.

I'd back off from him and treat him as a very casual friend, at best. Based on what you've written, having a serious conversation about how you feel he's addicted to gaming and neglecting the friendship probably won't go over well, but you could give it a go.

Otherwise, you can either stop bothering with him altogether or keep him as a lower tier friend, with the knowledge that you can't depend on him to behave in the way you feel a good friend should. Expect less of him and adjust (downwardly) how much of yourself and your own time you invest in him.

Original poster
BePositive84 · 19/04/2020 15:35

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

To the person who commented that I need to see a therapist, thank you for your input, however I don’t think I am at that stage just yet!

This is merely a case of having been friends with someone for a long time and having bitten my tongue for a few months regarding their rude behaviour, as did not want to end a 15 year friendship, however, after this latest incident, I realise now it is time to cut ties x

OP posts:
MangoesAreMyFavourite · 19/04/2020 15:44

I voted YABU on the basis that you are expecting something from someone who has nothing to give you. Not even a few seconds of attention.

Please drop the friendship.

ImFreeToDoWhatIWant · 19/04/2020 15:46

Dump his sorry arse. He's not a friend by any stretch of the imagination. Really he's not.

HedgehogHotel · 19/04/2020 15:46

I agree with everyone else on here: he's not your friend. Block him.

Astoatora54 · 19/04/2020 15:48

Sounds like he's an addict. Unless he decides he wants to change I don't think there is anything else you can do here.

LudaMusser · 19/04/2020 15:50

People drift apart, let him go. He's seems to have very little interest in you and sounds very rude IMO almost ignoring you when you go round

CharityDingle · 19/04/2020 16:04

I'm very sorry for your loss. Please take time to grieve and to be kind to yourself. Forget about him, he is no friend.

BubblyBarbara · 19/04/2020 16:22

Just drift away, don’t confront him or say we’re done or whatever. He could have Aspergers or another mental health thing that means this is how he enjoys and gets through life. You don’t have to deal with it but at the same time he’s totally entitled to live that way without a bunch of MN harridans screeching about how he’s an addict or something

Topseyt · 19/04/2020 16:27

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

This person sounds extremely self-absorbed. I think the "friendship", if you can call it that, has run its course. I would ignore him from now on. He isn't a friend. He prefers his phone.