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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong here??

90 replies

BePositive84 · 19/04/2020 12:44

Hi,

So I have known my friend for 15 years. He is 38, lives alone and is a bit of a gamer.

Whenever I go round to see him, he is constantly on his phone. I’ve lost count the amount of times I have been talking and just given up because he was on his phone and wasn’t paying attention. If he isn’t on his phone when I go round, he’s then staring at the tv when I’m trying to talk. So I usually just give up and go home.

If I ring him, he answers, but is on his computer games and I can tell he is not listening to a word I am saying, but if I ever mention it or make a comment about his lack of attention, he gets really defensive over it and kinda snaps back.

A few weeks ago, a relative of mine passed away due to covid19. Absolutely awful and as a family we are terribly upset and what makes it harder is the social distancing, we can’t even be together right now.

Last week, I rang my friend and told him the funeral was on Wednesday. He was on his game as usual, and I kinda knew that he wasn’t paying attention.

The day of the funeral came and I got so many messages off people wishing us luck for the day and sending lots of love to me and my family. Did I hear from my friend? No.

The funeral was horrific. Saddest funeral I have ever been too. My relative was only 47 and has left behind a 17 year old son.

Two days later, my friend sent me a message saying “did you say today was the funeral?”. I left it a while and just replied “no. It was two days ago. I did tell you it was on Wednesday, but you were too busy on your computer”.

He never replied to me.

I have known him too long and I know his silence means HE is annoyed at ME!!
Annoyed at me for daring to bring up his constant gaming.

His silence is making me more annoyed and upset, in an already upsetting time.

Who is in the wrong here???

OP posts:
feebeecat · 19/04/2020 13:44

Just echoing what others have said, he is not a friend.
I have a friend like this, only interested in themselves, doesn’t listen,or may just doesn’t hear anything I say, I am here when she is lonely, but she can’t conceive I may be feeling, well, anything. People likes this don’t think of anyone except themselves. It is horrible to think that one of your oldest friends thinks so little of you (have known mine since primary), but sadly, that is sometimes true.
I don’t say it lightly, as I’m in a similar situation, but cut your losses - this person wasn’t remotely there for you during a horrible time, you gain nothing from them, concentrate on you and yours instead.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

Rebelwithallthecause · 19/04/2020 13:45

Sorry for your loss and this friend is no friend of yours .

Leave well be

mbosnz · 19/04/2020 13:45

He's not a friend. He sounds very like a relative I have, that I thought we had a very close relationship. I helped him through a lot of the rough spots in his life. When it come to a fairly horrific and life-threatening situation for my whole family, I heard nothing. Fine. Then he had a rough spot. He came to me. I asked him why he'd not been there for me when I could have done with some support.

We no longer speak. He's a user, and he used me up. And yes, he's mad with me.

DPotter · 19/04/2020 13:45

I agree with other - have no idea why you think he's a friend. Don't bother with him any more. Save yourself the aggro. If you're looking to apportion blame - he's in the wrong for being a poor friend and you're in the wrong for continuing to think he is a friend

Nitpickpicnic · 19/04/2020 13:45

Please find a good therapist and with their help, find out why you define ‘friendship’ to mean showing you so little regard or respect.

This person has been very clear that they don’t consider you a friend, so why have you persisted so long with them? Surely you know that making good new mates takes less effort than trying to cajole people like this guy into giving you the time of day?

Sorry for your loss.

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 19/04/2020 13:46

The two possibilities are they he has some kind of ADHD and is incapable of concentrating and is addicted to his computer or he is just incredibly self centered (or some combination of the two). The fact that he isn't apologetic after he realises he didn't pay close enough attention leads me to think he's just selfish.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 19/04/2020 13:46

there must be SOMETHING in the relationship that allows you to let yourself be treated like this. You sound an intelligent person, you surely know that no-one will say YABU.
What is that something?

monkeymonkey2010 · 19/04/2020 13:53

i don't get why you put up with it.
Or are giving it so much of your energy.

I had a female friend who started behaving like that, i just pointedly said "right, i'll go then seeing as you're busy" and got up and left when she did it again.

Leave it. Let him be annoyed.
Don't give it your energy.
If/when he asks - then tell him straight.

redcarbluecar · 19/04/2020 13:55

Not everyone is good at dealing with other people's loss, or providing emotional support. so on that basis alone I'd suggest cutting him a bit of slack and simply reducing your expectations of him as a friend. However, in common with others, I'm wondering what you get out of this friendship on a wider level. If he actually has taken the huff at you pointing out that he wasn't listening to you about the funeral, I think it might be time to distance yourself. Is he someone you feel close to?

YeahWhatevver · 19/04/2020 13:55

Unfriend/block/delete him

The advantage of the lockdown is that you'll get a prolonged period of distance to just forget about him.

He's 100% in the wrong and a terrible friend.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/04/2020 13:55

Honestly, he sounds like he is addicted to electronics/screens.
Most addicts are in denial so any hint that his gaming/phone and so on is affecting his relationships will be met with angry denials and deflections.

You’re not really in a place to help him and he’s not being a friend to you. I’d would tell him that you can’t continue being friends until he sorts out his electronics addiction.

redcarbluecar · 19/04/2020 13:56

Apologies OP, I also meant to say I'm very sorry to hear about the death of your relative. Best wishes to you and your family; what a horrible time for you.

OscarWildesCat · 19/04/2020 13:59

I'm sorry for your loss.
You know he's in the wrong, you don't need to ask, I'm really struggling to understand why you're still bothering with him? Just leave it, he isnt interested

AvonBarksdale99 · 19/04/2020 14:02

Doesn’t sound like a friend. You’re better off without him

somebodyelseinstead · 19/04/2020 14:04

38, gamer, constantly on either a computer game or his phone.

No wonder he lives alone.

Sorry for your loss OP, just forget about this so-called friend. He's really not worth the effort.

AnneOfCloves · 19/04/2020 14:04

I’m sorry for your loss.

This dude is not your friend.

ImPeckish · 19/04/2020 14:04

That is not a friend, in any way! Sounds like a boring and selfish arse.

Drop him!

mbosnz · 19/04/2020 14:06

I'm somewhat mortified I did not add - so sorry for your loss, and for their child's loss of a parent.

Ragwort · 19/04/2020 14:07

What makes you think he is your ‘friend’, I wouldn’t waste my time with someone like that, you’ll get more support and fun in your life here on Mumsnet Smile.

Quarantimespringclean · 19/04/2020 14:09

If a grown man retreats into gaming in that way it’s normally a much needed escape from reality in the same way addictions to drugs or alcohol can be. It doesn’t mean he is a bad person but it does mean he isn’t available to be a good friend to you. I would leave the ball in his court now and see if he contacts you. If he doesn’t you won’t have lost much.

Going forward in your life, remember that you teach people how to treat you. Don’t settle for people who are so offhand and unkind.

fuckinghellthisshit · 19/04/2020 14:15

He's a terrible friend but isn't pretending to be more so isn't doing anything wrong. Why do you care so much what he does? Why was his support so important to you?

Ellie56 · 19/04/2020 14:20

This guy is not a friend in any sense of the word. He's just somebody you have known for 15 years, and who for some reason you ring up on a regular basis and try to engage in conversation.

Time to move on and find some real friends OP.

GabsAlot · 19/04/2020 14:28

Not a friend at all-just let it go and dont reply to him anymore

sorry for your loss

SociallyDistant · 19/04/2020 14:32

So sorry for your loss. However, this person is no friend. People come and go in our lives and I think it's time to let this one go. As they say; friendships happen for a reason, a season or a life-time.

WickedlyPetite · 19/04/2020 14:33

Sorry but you're just background noise to him, he's barely even pretending to make an effort with you.

The sooner you realise and accept this, the sooner you can move on. Don't waste any more of your energy on him.