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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think AIBU is too unpleasant

95 replies

oogers · 19/04/2020 10:01

Full of things you'd never say to someone in real life. Often it's like kicking someone when they're down. :(

OP posts:

StoorieHoose · 19/04/2020 10:24

Are you the PBP who created the thread yesterday saying MN is bad for Mental Health? I'll repeat what I posted on that now deleted thread - there is a whole lot of internet out there no one is forcing you to use this site

Lockheart · 19/04/2020 10:28

People shouldn't post on AIBU "for traffic".

AIBU is for asking if you're being unreasonable. It's always been the bunfight topic.

If you want in-depth relationship support you should post in relationships, for example.

MN has myriad forums. It would be so much better if everyone bothered to post in the right section.

Vegansarefriends · 19/04/2020 10:30

It seems to be outright aggression or snide sideswipes on here lately.

Jammies · 19/04/2020 10:32

I agree it can be overly brutal. I guess it reminds us of the mix of people on the site.

Umnoway · 19/04/2020 10:35

Don’t use it then. It’s literally always been this way. You have to have a thick skin to post on here imo.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 19/04/2020 10:37

I am often knocked back by people on this site and I suppose my question is "Why?"
Is it just a social media internet culture or are some people basically thoroughly nasty?
I dont know why the MH thread was deleted, perhaps it got out of hand?
Historiclly bullies will always attack someone weaker, or hide behind a screen and the internet provides anonymity. It doesnt seem to take much for the base language and abuse to spew out. And thes are just the comments MN lets through, God knows what the others are like

MarieQueenofScots · 19/04/2020 10:41

It’s literally always been this way

I don’t agree with that. AIBU has always been robust with a reputation for straight talking. It certainly hasn’t always been as full of spite and sniping for the sake of it.

StoorieHoose · 19/04/2020 10:43

mental Health thread was deleted as it was started by a previously banned poster

Itwasntme1 · 19/04/2020 10:43

It’s fierce. I was a post about a year ago where someone asked it she should be concerned that she never saw the child who lived next door.

She was called awful names - even when she said okay she was being unreasonable still it carried on. Vicious, nasty comments.

I think we know where those bullies in school went.

ChocolateQuiltedShitPig · 19/04/2020 10:45

Most of the posters haven't the spine to talk like they do on here, in real life.

I wonder if they speak to their friends this way. Strange

MimiLaRue · 19/04/2020 10:45

I think we know where those bullies in school went

Quite. I'm flabbergasted that so many people appear to have so few social skills tbh. Makes me wonder how they hold down a job or a relationship with that repellent attitude.

CaptSkippy · 19/04/2020 10:48

On the one hand I agree with you OP. I feel a lot of people are using AIBU to lash out at other due to pain of their own.

On the other hand, you are posing a yes/no question on often highly emotionally charged topics. That is a polarising act in and of itself.

Perhaps there is something to be said for revamping this section of the forum, because it feels a bit like an open invitation for trolling.

Chillicheese123 · 19/04/2020 10:50

I actually think the opposite. Most people on here are way too sensitive and unable to take someone disagreeing with them.
I wonder how some people cope with real life.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 10:52

Some people are awful and unpleasant.

However it you set those people aside, there's two main things.

Firstly, part of asking AIBU on an anonymous forum means getting answers that people may think if you asked people you know offline, but they'd not say in the name of rubbing along nicely as most people know that offline there's a time and a place for a diplomatic change of conversation topic, or a vague/generic response, or not say anything because whilst the person is being unreasonable it's not worth the time or effort raising it.

Secondly some people ask AIBU and it's clear they are only interested in being told they are not being unreasonable, argue with everyone who disagrees and then take valid disagreement as personal attacks, often with flounces like "I shouldn't have bothered asking because MN is a nest of vipers".

SpillTheTea · 19/04/2020 10:52

People sticking up for it are usually the one's who post horrible things on here. No one said it had to be all sunshine and rainbows, just maybe not disgustingly rude would be nice. The 'you can hide it' comments are saying this type of behaviour is perfectly acceptable, when they wouldn't have the balls to behave like that in the real world. Sometimes I think AIBU is just a playground for women who never grew out of being a teenage bully.

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 19/04/2020 10:54

You do get people just looking to snipe.

But then also it’s difficult to tell tone and people are more sensitive so reactive defensively and it escalates. Even you op. A PP said the thread that can be hidden if it upsets you so much. You reacted by calling pp patronising, when to others it may not have come across that way (it didn’t to me). So I think we all need to be less reactionary and emotional when posting tbh.

Sparklingbrook · 19/04/2020 10:55

If you perceived someone to be bullying you or being mean to you in RL you would leave the conversation and walk away. Hiding the thread/topic is the same thing.

LakieLady · 19/04/2020 10:56

It can also be incredibly kind, supportive, helpful and is often downright hilarious.

And no-one is forced to read it.

AgeLikeWine · 19/04/2020 10:57

The whole point of AIBU is that it’s a place to find out what people really think about your views or behaviour, rather than the sanitised, socially acceptable version. The clue is in the name : ‘Am I being unreasonable?” It isn’t supposed to be an echo chamber.

For example, I think tattoos are ugly, naff & chavvy. I would never dream of saying this to someone who had a tattoo in real life because it would be ill-mannered and I wouldn’t want to upset them. If asked, I wouldn’t lie, but I would be as politely non-committal as possible. If asked on AIBU, I would take advantage of the OPs, and my own anonymity to say what I really thought and assume that was what she wanted.

Chillicheese123 · 19/04/2020 11:00

@SpillTheTea but people have different ideas of what’s a ‘disgusting’ thing to say ...

For example
‘My dp said I was fat! Aibu to be upset?’

If someone said ‘bet you’re a fat horrible ugly whale you should hate yourself you’re hideous’ then yes that’s a pretty disgusting thing to say

But if someone said ‘have you put A bit of weight on? Maybe it’s his way of trying to tell you you’ve let yourself go? Not nice but maybe he’s got a point ?’

You’d get people saying OMG can’t believe you’ve said that, how awful, bet OP is gorgeous etc

See to me that’s not that bad. It’s something my mum or sister would say, or my best friend. We aren’t bullies or awful. But the world is full of people that literal just want to be lied to their whole lives. Can’t take the slightest criticism.

Dogwithanovenmit · 19/04/2020 11:01

It seems unnecessarily brutal. It’s the way posters put their point across rather than the actual opinions give . Rather than something on the lines of “ 6 am is way too early for your DC to be playing in the garden. It’s not ok to do what’s best for your family if it’s constantly affecting your neighbours”, it tends to be full of “I cannot believe anyone would be so fucking ignorant. If you were my neighbour I would be practicing my drum kit at 3 am every day just to get my own back. You’re a selfish, antisocial idiot and should be fucking ashamed of yourself.” Following that will be another 20 PPs piling on to paraphrase that with varying degrees of aggressive, sweary ranting. It seems to be the board for people who need to let off steam, freely express their frustration and dissatisfaction with life by being as aggressive and nasty to people as possible.

MarieQueenofScots · 19/04/2020 11:03

The worst are threads where the OP acknowledges “actually yes thanks for pointing it out I was being unreasonable” then there’s 15 subsequent pages of kicking.

Triggahippy · 19/04/2020 11:03

There are some interesting and perceptive people on Aibu
Equally there are some deeply unhappy people

MimiLaRue · 19/04/2020 11:05

@dogwithanovenmitt

Exactly.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 11:08

Triggahippy
Too true.
There's also some people who are incapable of considering that people can have different relationships so insist on calling people "cool wives" for suggesting that it is possible for men and women go be friends, or insisting that anyone who hasn't got an issue with their DP having a hobby must be a doormat with low expectations (rather than someone in a happy and equitable relationship where both people have hobbies and do their fair share around the house).

Some people are bitter with their lot in life and can't or won't acknowledge there's experiences and perspectives other than theirs.

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