To feel like I’m failing as an employee and parent

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Both DH and I work 32 hours a week over 4 days. Usually our 4 year old has lots of activities and play dates and generally a great life.

We are now both WFH, I’m in the middle of a major project and would usually work extra hours for this sort of thing, but just now I am struggling as DH and I are working shifts around each other to look after our son. At the weekend, we seem to spend a lot of time doing housework etc (usually we have a cleaner, and because we are home all day, the house is a lot messier)

Just now I am stressing about work, so snappier than normal. And I just feel like I’m a crappy employee and worse, a crappy mum. We done very worthy educational or craft stuff with our son. Made some cakes but that’s it. All he wants to do is either watch tv cuddled into us, or play outside in the garden chasing us. I see on Facebook other people doing projects and activities with their kids, and I see my colleagues achieving loads at work, but I feel like I’m just being crap at everything. Does anyone else feel this way

Yes. Everyday at the moment. It’s extremely stressful feeling really shit at both roles but I’m sure we’re not alone!

100% all of the time at the moment.

Just posted exactly the same thread, except we both work full time and have 3 primary kids (so at least they play with each other sometimes). It’s really crap isn’t it and no end in sight

I think more people feel the way you do than you realise.
Don’t forget that Facebook is a ‘highlights reel’, you’re not seeing the tears or the rush to finish deadlines or people struggling behind the scenes. And you’re not seeing your colleagues potentially stressing out at their homes either.
It’s not possible to be both the world’s greatest parent and the world’s greatest employee while you’re managing both at the same time. Try and be kinder to yourself, even getting through the day is an achievement at this point. And if your child is happy just playing in the garden or cuddling you then that’s most of the battle.

God I felt like you guys a few years back even without all the added stress of lockdown. To even doubt your abilities probably means you’re a far better parent/employee than you think you are. Try to loosen those standards for a bit - will it really matter if the house is a bit of a mess for a while? Xx

Yes, finding the juggle of both working from home with a five year old and a one year old really difficult. Took leave for last week and it was so much better. We're not being furloughed so just got to hang on in there and do the best we can I guess.

An ex boss used to tell me 'comparison is the thief of joy'.

I know this to be true. Doesn't stop me from doing it tho!
Employers would be mad to expect the same productivity from us working and doing childcare as well. Some of us will be trying to keep their kids motivated to do school work on top of the parents' work.
It's a very unrealistic situation, therefore we must be expected to respond accordingly.

I feel the same as you and I don't even wfh. Me and dh are both keyworkers and our dc aren't little, they are both perfectly capable of doing the school work themselves.

However this doesn't really happen and all I seem to see on Facebook is people posting the amazing work their dc have done.

Don't be too hard on yourselves, what you need is down to earth friends who tell the truth and you'll see that you're not in the minority.

As PP said please don't think Facebook is anywhere near to being realistic! I'd leave SM for a while. You are not failing. If your child is warm, fed, loved, safe and generally happy you are doing a good job!

Just posted a similar thread too. I feel really sad that were all just expected to get on with it and for me anyway, alot of the time I'm ignoring the needs of my child. Isn't adequate childcare a human right? We should be given the option for furlough at least I think, unless people dont want to take it. If this carries on until mid year I dont know how we'll cope mental health wise.

Yes! I feel much the same. I work four days a week and have been recently promoted. DH is full time and we are both trying to work from home with our two year old to look after. I can only do the minimum, and I feel like I’m not contributing. I’m the only person at my level with a young child (my colleagues all either have much older kids, wives that don’t work or no kids and live alone so are working loads to fill their time).

The problem with working piecemeal is that I can’t sit down to write and research the way I normally. I have no idea how I will get some important things done. My dd doesn’t get why mummy can’t be disturbed sometimes and screams the house down if she wants me but I am on a conference call. I feel awful that I can’t just focus on her.

Also exhausted because our day starts at 5.30 when DD wakes up (and she wakes once a night at least too) and is nonstop until she’s settled in bed at 7.30-8pm, and at that point we just need a bit of down time, although typically would do another hours work before bed at 10pm.

In many ways we are very fortunate and I don’t really want to complain but it does feel quite stressful and relentless. I also think I’m carrying a lot of anxiety about my wider family’s welfare - a terminally aunt who has just had a tumor removed and is alone, my 87 year old grandma, my sister in law who might be heading for a premature delivery of her baby in a few weeks, my dad who’s had Covid 19 and been really ill for a month. All people that I want to see and help but can’t.

Again, every day. My job has become Covid related and is going to get very busy. Husband is still on probation and worried about his performance. My almost 3 year old doesn't understand why we are both home but she doesn't have all our attention.

Of course you feel like this because what you are expecting of yourself is frankly impossible.

Would your child’s teacher be able to do your job at the same time as teaching? No absolutely not.

I know others will disagree but I think those without young children should take on more. Dh lovely colleague is recently divorced on her own at home with a lively 6 year old boy. There are two of us and our kids 11 and 13 so it’s right dh does more than his colleague and he is happy to do so.

Superfoodie123 I completely agree with you. My boss just expects me to stick my 3 year old in front of the TV (not sure what he thinks I should do with my 12 month old)- of course she can and does watch some TV every day, but it’s not fair or even possible to expect her to just bounce around for weeks/months with minimal input from me. DH can’t work from home in his job so it’s just me trying to fit work around them. Feel same as you OP, it’s crap

I had this exact conversation with my manager on Friday. My partner and I wfh full time in jobs that have become much busier with Covid. We are both kw but can wfh and don't feel safe sending our 2 year old to nursery, so she is here with us. She is normally in nursery 4 days a week (I work my hours over 4 days) so is used to burning off lots of energy around other toddlers. Atm her main babysitter is the tv. I feel guilty as hell shd estimate that I'm getting 10%of my work done. We keep going round in circles and one of us will suggest taking the nursery place but then we would feel absolutely awful if anything were to happen. We won't be furloughed as public sector.
I've asked whether I can take unpaid leave and manager has asked me to log the hours I can manage next week then they may grant me. We will be massively worse off financially (can take a month hit but not 2) but far less stressed. We are arguing continuously and child has become much clingier. We are in a very small 2 bed, have office upstairs but it's in child room as normally they're not here. Feel really stressed about it atm, days off are fine but work days fill us with dread.

I feel eactly the same. I am deranged with stress right now. I also recently had a promotion and am in a role that would be stressful anywya, withiout even factoring in that it is new. Our office has furloughed 70% of staff (and ALL the support staff) and there are now only a few of us trying to keep the show on the road. I have been starting at 6.30 in the morning to try and get stuff done, I wokr through lunch. intake a break at 5 and I go back after the Dcs are in bed. DS1 has autism and is struggling and I simply cannot help him because I simply do not have time. I have said to my boss I am struggling and his response is 'you are doing fine'. I am internally begging for something to happen so I can stop work without losing face. Yesterday I briefly had thoughts of suicide go past my mind. I am seriously that stressed.

But all I hear from colleagues who are furloughed is how they have been baking, or how bored they are. Or how I am lucky to still be working.

Oh and I've muted a WhatsApp group I'm part of where most people are off and posting constant photos of elaborate art creations and talk of quality family time. It's quantity time here but far from quality so am very jealous. Not on fb or other sm but can imagine it's the same. I know everyone is doing what they can to get through and have to tell myself our jobs are secure so we are so lucky with that.

(BTW before anyone kindly gets very worried, I am making a telephone appointment with my GP to go back on antidepressants. I clearly need it right now!)

I am so grateful that we are both not full time workers (although, we’re not far off it). I think that would push me off the edge. Work is made worse by the fact that I’m helping another area about half the time, but I’ve received very little training and guidance as the team are all working to the wire. My colleagues in my immediate team tend to have either no children, or older children who are at high school, so are a bit more self sufficient. In the wider office I know there are quite a few others working with kids at home (I’ve heard them in the background at meetings lol). Glad that I’m not alone in this boat

You are definitely not alone, it’s hard going and I’ve felt this way for years. Throw in crap wife and crap friend etc. Bored primary school child here and husband also wfh full time with me.

I like the “comparison is the thief of joy” sentiment, I think we can only do what we can do.

I don't know if anyone else feels like this with their workplaces, but I feel like my workplace were very trigger happy when it came to furloughing. We could have kept at least 1-2 support staff in each department. Instead the ones remaining were expected to pick up the slack. Our monthly targets have not even been revised. I feel like they thought it was great to be able to access government funds, while keeping up the same level of production. There has been NOTHING offered to those of use remaining..... in terms of time off in lieu or anything like that. This week finally management said that when we all go back the colleagues that kept working 'will get first choice' on scheduling when their holidays are. Well big fucking deal.

Yup so hearing you. We have 3dc including a toddler so there is no leaving them to their own devices possible at all. I am the only one in my team who does not have one parent not working sahp or on furlough - in some ways that is helpful but redundancies are very likely and the fact my performance is so poor at the moment is a big concern for me. We are doing shifts too and it is exhausting. My sister is a TA on furlough as soon as we are allowed I will be begging her to come over. I know DH is finding it very hard too - he normally works more hours than me and is an office based key worker so his job is full on so he has even more to squash in. Its rubbish. Dont know anything can be done about it but its definitely rubbish.

@GreenTeaMug deranged with stress is a good way to put it. Can you speak with someone about how you feel?
Could you try to speak with your manager again about how yiure struggling with the work. Mine kept saying just do what you can but not acknowledging that would be very little Nd still sending 100% of my usual work my way the chasing immediately I lost it on Weds and put in writing how I was feeling (so had a record) and how impossible I was finding it. It led to work asking me to log what i have been doing for next week then potentially get a sabbatical. Not sure if that's something your work would offer or if it would be financially viable for you (it's not for us but the stress is relentless so we can take the hit for a month )
People will understand how you feel, please don't struggle alone with your thoughts.

@MsTSwift I wish everyone thought that way. I've tried to organise my workplace so that those without extenuating circumstances either due to health issues or childcare do the main tasks but for the most part it's not working.

I've been told that it's not their fault that people have children (by the directors) and if they're paying for 37 hours they expect 37 hours of work.
Also 'everyone is just thinking they need to get a kid and then they get the easy road'

People without children have no idea how difficult the juggle is. And how much guilt there is for both neglecting the children and not being 100% dedicated to work.
It's impossible and a bit of understanding would go a long way.

@GreenTeaMug crossed post. Glad to hear