To feel like I’m failing as an employee and parent

[Dylaninthemovies1]

Both DH and I work 32 hours a week over 4 days. Usually our 4 year old has lots of activities and play dates and generally a great life.

We are now both WFH, I’m in the middle of a major project and would usually work extra hours for this sort of thing, but just now I am struggling as DH and I are working shifts around each other to look after our son. At the weekend, we seem to spend a lot of time doing housework etc (usually we have a cleaner, and because we are home all day, the house is a lot messier)

Just now I am stressing about work, so snappier than normal. And I just feel like I’m a crappy employee and worse, a crappy mum. We done very worthy educational or craft stuff with our son. Made some cakes but that’s it. All he wants to do is either watch tv cuddled into us, or play outside in the garden chasing us. I see on Facebook other people doing projects and activities with their kids, and I see my colleagues achieving loads at work, but I feel like I’m just being crap at everything. Does anyone else feel this way

Thanks jeds.

I have one particular case I am overwhelmed by. I have told my manager. He's quite laid back though. Problem is that the colleagues who are still working are all in the same boat. If I take time off (or they do) then the others have to pick up their work so there is the pressure there. I just thought things would settle down and taper off, but with the kind of work I am doing the corona issue has actually made it mroe intense and I feel like I am firerighting all the time. I genuinely do not know how toi handle it. I tried to finish at 4 pm last friday because I had had 6.30 starts all week. I have decided to not work to 'catch up' this weekend... I did that over easter and did not catch up. I met my daily target hours 3 of the 4 days over easter and still cannot keep up.

@GreenTeaMug I feel like a crap wife and friend too. Can’t be bothered joining in with group chats as everyone is doing fun things (most friends with small kids work very part time or are furloughed), and I just don’t have the headspace for any other chats. My mum was annoyed a few weeks ago as I don’t answer her texts quickly enough and hadn’t called her enough (I usually call at least daily during lockdown, but I fell asleep putting my son to bed). I got really annoyed and ended up snapping at her that I’m doing my best but I can’t do it all; I know she is lonely, but I’m balancing a lot and can’t always reply straight away )

My work keep telling me "just do as much as you can" but at the same time still want all the work completed with the same deadlines. I have a crawling baby and almost any work at all is impossible.

I find the militant “you chose to have children deal with it” brigade quite sickening tbh. It’s a national crisis the childfree or those with older kids need to step up whether it’s “fair” on them or not is irrelevant.

My lovely sister is running herself ragged doing a big full time job with 2 young primary kids her Dh is running a Covid ward. Her childfree colleagues need to step the fuck up. Sorry makes me cross

I feel exactly the same.
I work 4 days and my DH is FT. He has to be available within set hours whereas my work is a more fluid. The result is I snatch an hour or two during the day, making phone calls or answering emails whilst the children watch tv. I then work for a couple of hours at night and most of the weekend. It is relentless and school starts back next week so I will need to make an effort to supervise online learning too - we will probably spread that over 7 days too.

I feel guilty about all this because at least I’m staying at home and not a key worker risking my life.

Yes yes to the people who can step up need to step up whether it's fair or not! @MsTSwift

I have said exactly the same this week.

It's not 'fair' on them due to the circumstances we find ourselves in, not because they are being purposefully mistreated.

I'm so glad I found this thread! Me and DH both work full time and we have two preschool DCs. I'm stressed and feel torn constantly. I feel guilty for working and leaving the kids to watch tv but then equally feel guilty when I go to help them with something and not working at full capacity. Work is busier than ever due to covid. I've not quite found the balance yet and it's stressing me out. I think for me I'm stressed because of the lack of control. I hate not putting my all into something and at the moment I can't put my all into any one thing. Saying that though, the weekends have been lovely. We're getting loads of jobs done around the house and doing fun things with the children. The thought of work tomorrow fills me with dread. Eek.

Yep. Same here. I'm a single parent with no support from my child's father so completely alone. Working FT, probably achieving 15% of my usual work. We are continuing to deliver scheduled classes / assessments / marking on time. My research time is non existent ( I'm an academic). I'm trying to work until late at night to keep everything going but exhausted and stressed. I have no idea how I'm going to keep going for another few months.

Oh Belle, that sounds so bloody hard being on your own. I honestly don’t know how you manage it.

The first few weeks of lockdown weren’t too bad: until I got handed more work. It’s since then I’ve been struggling. Normally I’d work later or on a Saturday to keep up, but honestly, i just can’t do any more. But the hours I’m not working I’m worrying about it

I see on Facebook other people doing projects and activities with their kids
You see the 4 minutes that they managed to get the kid to do a craft activity. You didn't see the rest of the day where they are grizzling, watching telly and arguing with siblings. No one puts that on facebook!

You're doing your best op, no one is doing much better than that and it's a difficult juggle. Be kind to yourself and set your bar low.

The faux reassurances followed by yet more tight deadlines and chasing from my boss, plus being used as an emotional punch bag by some of the team plus doing my paid hours (rather than my usual long hours) is the killer here. On top of emotional, physical and tech support for both DC.

Yes, OP, I hear you. We have a 5 and nearly-2 year old. Both of us WFH part time but it's still hard. My work are shit and couldn't give a crap, DHs work have been fantastic. Has made me realise I need to get out of there. In the meantime, I'm just scraping by at being a mum and an employee. So are 99% of that demographic. Be kind to yourself.

I'm hoping that when restrictions start to lift that maybe me and DH can take in turns going to the office and wfh. I suspect that we'll have to continue social distancing so everyone won't be allowed in the office at once.

I feel the same. I'm getting almost nothing done but although I'm WFH my workload has dropped a lot and my boss has been great. That said trying to balance the children and doing anything is almost impossible. DH is working so out of the house 730am-6pm most days. By the time he gets home I'm exhausted and on the weekends he needs a break as he's been at work and the kids still demand my full attention anyway as this is all so strange for them.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is (hopefully) only for a few more months and that if push comes to shove I'll drop my hours right down until we can get back to normal, which might be quite a while for me as I'm in the shielded group.

I absolutely feel this way.

I have never felt so out of control

Both my children are young enough to need total supervision. I feel like I'm permanently distracted and it's impacting them. Too much TV, are they getting those nice enriching activities? Eurgh

Meanwhile the work needs doing. I love my job, the company are being brilliant, but I'm not getting done even the minimum in what is our busy time of year.

I've muted the social media mums who are doing lots of lovely things with their kids, usually the ones who are furloughed or sahp because they just don't get it.

I feel exactly the same - I feel I say ‘just a minute!’ about 100 times everyday to my kids.

Oh for the luxury of an uninterrupted day in the office!

I feel the same and yesterday was my worst day for getting upset about it. I wfh full time my DP still goes out to work. I h e a 4 and a 6 year old and I'm still trying to get all
The school work done in the school holidays to catch up. I've started working at 5am so I can get 4 hours in before they get up then take some time out and start again in the early evening when DP gets home to do the other 4 hours. The phone keeps ringing though and my work colleagues all have grown up children so have no clue what it's like and moan they are boated in lockdown. I wish.

In fairness, my work have been flexible as to when I work, and my actual line manager isn’t putting pressure on me. But the deadlines are still all there, and the work needs to be done.

Some of you sound like you work in really horrible, unsupportive teams, and i am sorry to hear this. I think this WFH business has showed up a real culture of poor management. I feel very lucky to have had really good compassionate managers for the past few years.

I would absolutely suggest snoozing the smugfests on FB if its starting to get to you. I have one friend who i like a lot, but have snoozed because i dislike his politics as expressed on FB... so i hide his posts. Its easy.

Don't feel bad, Facebook has a way of making everyone's lives look perfect and it isnt like that!

I'm the same..i started a similar thread yesterday about worrying about work.

It is very shit.

@zerocraic it’s as though my mind just cannot switch off from work. It’s not rational. What are they going to do, sack me? (Unlikely tbh) but I can’t stop myself feeling like this

I truly feel the same.
If i had any energy I'd be writing to sympathetic journalists or something about it because this is one of those hidden women's issues (or even just parents of small children's issues) that goes under the radar because of the inevitable'it's not society's fault you decided to have children' backlash.

People are absolutely 'deranged with stress' over this as GreenTea described it.