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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends boyfriend is rude?

80 replies

CorinnaSinner · 18/04/2020 20:12

FaceTimed with my friend last night (her suggestion if relevant)

We were about 20/30 mins into the chat when her boyfriend comes and sits next to her. Says hello and then sits there on his phone.

I felt quite awkward as wouldn’t necessarily discuss/have the same conversation with him just there listening.

They are self isolating together so are already spending 24/7 with each other. Too much to ask to have an hour to talk in private?

OP posts:
HandfulOfDust · 19/04/2020 09:41

@TKAAHUARTG

Most people do have a separate bedroom and if they don't then where on earth is the boyfriend meant to hide out during a 30 minute conversation. If their house is really that small then it was really OP and her friend who were being rude by having such a long private conversation in which they expected the poor boyfriend to make himself scarce in his own home. How selfish!

ineedsun · 19/04/2020 09:42

No, he wasn't rude, just oblivious by the sounds of things.

Feels a bit 'ruder' to expect him to limit his own movements around the house to accommodate your conversation (assuming they were in the living room or wherever they usually sit during the evening). Couldn't the friend have moved?

HandfulOfDust · 19/04/2020 09:45

@TKAAHUARTG

You sound very desperate to find offense and attribute bad intentions to this guy and everyone commenting. It's much more likely he just didn't know the conversation was private - the obvious thing to do was for his girlfriend to politely ask him if she could have 10 more minutes in private.

If you live in a tiny studio apartment with no private space then clearly you don't have the luxury of long, drawn out private conversations with your friends during lockdown. It would be very rude to expect the boyfriend to hide away in his own home (without a comfortable seat to sit on since obviously we can't assume they have more than one sofa) indefinitely while his girlfriend carries on intimate conversations at her own leisure.

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 09:51

Like I already said many people can manage to maintain boundaries and not interfere with other’s conversations. He sat right next to her while she was online, that is weird and yes, I think could point to a deeper issue. I am not taking offence, I just know that there are a lot of people struggling in relationships due to lockdown. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but is only because I live with respectful people who can maintain boundaries. I am very aware that some women do not have that.

TKAAHUARTG · 19/04/2020 09:53

And at the risk of being accused of going off topic. The OP asked if he was rude. I maintain that he was massively rude, but some people on here are a little downtrodden and don’t see that.

HandfulOfDust · 19/04/2020 09:55

@TKAAHUARTG

Not everyone is great at picking up social cues - if this guy isn't what's so hard about asking him nicely rather than assuming he has some deep seated issue. Alternatively maybe it's the girlfriend who isn't good at picking up cues. Maybe he was irritated that she'd been hogging the living space for so long chatting to her friend and he was gently trying to get her to either end the conversation or take it elsewhere so that he could use their living room.

Ragwort · 19/04/2020 09:56

I think it’s thoughtless, if my DH is on a zoom call to his mates I wouldn’t dream of going into the same room (I would be bored senseless), even in ‘normal’ times when my DM & I have a long chat on the phone room I do it from a different room. Assuming your friend has a separate room (bedroom?) why didn’t she move to another room?

billy1966 · 19/04/2020 09:57

I agree it was rude for him to come in and practically sit on top of your friend as she was in the middle of the conversation.

Its the sort of PA thing someone would do to end the call.

@Nitpickpicnic
This is a perfect response.👍

TARSCOUT · 19/04/2020 09:59

Don't see the problem with that at all. If your conversation was that private then your friend should have asked him to move or moved of her own accord. You're making a big deal out of nothing.

onanothertrain · 19/04/2020 10:00

Red flag??? Jesus christ.

rwalker · 19/04/2020 10:07

Seriously you can't expect someone to have to wait in another room to sit down till you finish .

Flumo · 19/04/2020 10:07

I would never expect my boyfriend to leave a room in his own house so I could speak to my friend I would happily leave the room if I thought would be necessary. Think your being slightly selfish to be honest.

StatementKnickers · 19/04/2020 10:22

I'd have been annoyed too. It is thoughtless at best, but if that's the sort of person he is then he'd probably have done the same thing if you were over there for coffee.

I'd just have said "oh I'd better let you go" and ended the chat.

Auridon4life · 19/04/2020 10:42

It's his house you have no right to tell him what to do or demand anything. Learn to get on with people that have done absolutely nothing to you while you intrude on their personal space. Or just get single friends

Auridon4life · 19/04/2020 10:44

What's he gonna do go cinema? To work? the pub?

JudyGemstone · 19/04/2020 12:53

Your friend should have left the room. That's what I do if someone FaceTimes me.

Original poster
CorinnaSinner · 19/04/2020 19:00

It's his house you have no right to tell him what to do or demand anything.

LOL. Sorry guys major drip feed coming ..

As soon as he sat down I screamed at him! Asked him what the hell he thought he was doing, and to get up and leave immediately!! When he refused, I told my friend - it’s me or him. She then hung on on me!!!! How fucking rude??!

Or actually I was polite, didn’t demand anything from anyone, tell anyone to do anything ... carried on the conversation for another 10/15 mins and then politely said goodbye.

Mumsnet can be so hysterical sometimes. Disagree with me on aibu (I did ask if I was) but there’s no need to take it to that level.

I just wouldn’t sit down next to my partner when he was on a call with his friend. It wasn’t just in the corner .. the screen was 50/50 on both.

There’s another sofa in that room, he has his own games room, they have a garden ... they don’t live in a one room house Confused

Seems the split is almost 50/50 ... so I think it just comes down to what people find rude and others wouldn’t even give it a second though.

OP posts:
StatementKnickers · 20/04/2020 11:22
Confused
HollowTalk · 20/04/2020 11:31

I think it shows a real lack of social skills unless he knows you almost as well as she does. I think it's normal to say "Oh sorry" and go into a different room if someone's having a private conversation. I'd do that with a partner or with grown up children and that's how my family and friends would behave. If the conversation's with a family member it's a bit different but would depend on the guy's relationship with them.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2020 11:34

She could have just moved to another room?

bluebeck · 20/04/2020 11:35

Bearing in mind you had already been talking for half an hour I think I would have just wound the conversation up and thought no more about it.

Original poster
CorinnaSinner · 20/04/2020 11:38

I think that’s the weird mumsnet thing of not speaking on the phone or answering the door. Or having friends in general is seen as odd.

When we call we’ll talk longer than 30 minutes.

OP posts:
WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 20/04/2020 11:44

@CorinnaSinner

You seem a little OTT about this issue. If your friend wanted to talk in private she could have moved to another room surely? Half an hour is a fairly long conversation - nothing wrong with that but your friend might have been keen to wrap it up which is why she didn't move. It's not a weird mumsnet thing to never speak on the phone - of course you can chat for longer than half an hour if you like - but most people have had enough after about that time.

Original poster
CorinnaSinner · 20/04/2020 12:04

Oh have we got on to the ott comments now ... the sly digs are out in order to put another human down to make yourself feel superior.

No idea how it’s ott, I started the thread and responded to the comments left. Should I start a thread and then never reply for fear of being accused of being ott.

Please don’t push the narrative that friend was desperate to get off the call. She called me - which I made clear in my OP. We also always talk for longer than 30 minutes. She could have wrapped it up at any time - yet it was who did it.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/04/2020 12:09

If she wanted to talk in privacy though it was up to her to move if he wanted to use that room.

It seems she wasn’t bothered so if you where then you could have easily ended the call.

Why would him sitting on another sofa in the same room be any better? Surely if anything if would be worse as you wouldn’t know he was there listening?