Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Annoying friend

78 replies

UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 19:12

Inconsequential in the scheme of things, but really starting to get on my nerves.

I have a friend who is shielding due to having asthma. Despite having had a recent disagreement (he wanted to take a picture of me naked to do a painting of; I objected) I called a truce and have been keeping an eye on him and sending regular messages to check he's ok. I have also offered to take shopping round if he doesn't want to go outside and can't get a delivery slot.

He keeps deciding he wants to "meet" (via Skype) to have lunch at a particular time. The first couple of weeks I went with it, despite him only suggesting it an hour in advance and him commenting that I hadn't actually prepared any lunch (I'd had a late breakfast). The third time (half an hour's notice) I said I was busy. Today, literally no notice and I didn't see the message until later. When I did read it I suggested we could Skype later but he replied he was busy painting.

I then said it would be nice to have more than zero minutes' notice and that I could be in the middle of something as well - and he's got the hump.

AIBU to think that, even though we're in lockdown, it's a bit presumptuous of him to act as if I should be at his beck and call, and there's no reason he couldn't have proposed today's Skype lunch yesterday or earlier this morning? And AIBU to be a bit pissed off that he's now acting as if I'm being awkward?

It makes me feel like an afterthought - he makes sure he's all ready, lunch on the plate and in the mood for a chat, and expects to click his fingers and I'll drop whatever I'm doing.

OP posts:
UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 21:07

I am just trying to understand and protect OP. Maybe I have totally misunderstood this but assuming she is keeping in contact BECAUSE he has asthma and assuming they do not have kids together and assuming there was never an actual emotional relationship at any point then - why is she keeping in touch with him - even if she holds a flame for him should now not be the time to give it up (difficult tho that might be).

FFS, I've already said I don't hold a candle for him (or a flame, if you insist, even though that isn't actually an expression); I don't feel responsible for him; I don't need protecting; I'm not keeping in touch because he has asthma but because we are/were friends.

Not sure how many facts you need, but I can assure you I am not deeply emotionally involved with this man, just moderately irritated by his recent behaviour. That's why I described him as "annoying friend", not "cruel, heart-breaking ex-partner".

OP posts:
UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 21:10

What do you find annoying OP ? reading this you appear to enjoy being on call ? you've done nothing but defend him, so I don't get the issue ?

I don't know how you infer I enjoy being on call when I started the thread precisely to say how annoying I found it being expected to be on call.

I have said he's presumptuous, makes me feel like an afterthought, has a funny attitude towards women, made me feel uncomfortable by asking for a naked photo and is a crap shag. Not sure how any of that is defending him.

OP posts:
Ulver · 18/04/2020 21:13

Chillicheese123

OP You need to look at the Instagram account ‘beam me up soft boi’ I think you will appreciate the charms of the ‘serious amateur artists’ on it 😬

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bubblebu · 18/04/2020 21:16

UnaCorda

I am very sorry if I have offended you.

I literally have only two questions for you and then I bow out. Is he an adult (ie over say I dunno 21); and if he is do you have children together?

If the answer to 1 is yes he is over 21 years old and the answer to 2 is no we do not have kids together my very sincere suggestion is you stop contacting him (and I do not know your emotional connection with him and would totally understand that cutting him off might be difficult but he is an adult and does not need you to check in with him).

this is meant with all sincerity.

sonjadog · 18/04/2020 21:17

So... he is selfish in bed, won't accept a no from a woman about a naked photo of herself, and he gets huffy that you won't drop everything give him attention whenever he fancies it. He has a serious attitude problem towards women. Are you sure you really want to spend time with this person?

longwayoff · 18/04/2020 21:17

Oh dear OP, some things are better left unsaid. You will never be forgiven for that, time to make other arrangements for lunch, permanently.

Merryoldgoat · 18/04/2020 21:18

What kind of ‘funny attitudes’?

Whenever I see someone described as such they tend to be misogynistic twunts.

Bubblebu · 18/04/2020 21:19

Even if you are just a "friend" can you not see if you have had sex that kind of makes a bit of a difference (most especially if he is still asking for naked pictures of you and you are still "checking in" to see if he is ok because he has asthma).

Leave it.

If he really cares for you sincerely and there is going to be a relationship in the future he will still be there when Covid19 is all over (however long that might be).

Bubblebu · 18/04/2020 21:22

PS k- do not give a shit whether he was considerate in bed.

Literally millions of committed marriages in the UK have regular unfulfilling sex for both parties (happy to say I am not one of them but I do know this).

It is more to do with does he respect you? - which on the facts you have given I think he does not - and you are not helping that by "being helpful by being in touch because he has asthma"

1Morewineplease · 18/04/2020 21:25

I’m going to be quite honest and suggest that he has a sort of Svengali hold on you.
You say that you once shagged yet you’re not in a relationship and you’re over it.
He clicks his fingers via Skype yet you’re annoyed.
Why , on Earth are you checking in with him and being concerned about his welfare?
Maybe you’re annoyed that he doesn’t ‘need’ you which makes you feel the need to hang on?

This is a very unhealthy and imbalanced ‘relationship.’

UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 21:26

I am very sorry if I have offended you.

I'm not offended, just exasperated that I have to keep repeating myself.

I literally have only two questions for you and then I bow out. Is he an adult (ie over say I dunno 21); and if he is do you have children together?

I have already answered this upthread. I am in my 40s, he is older. We have never had a relationship so no, we don't have children together (okay, I didn't categorically state this).

If the answer to 1 is yes he is over 21 years old and the answer to 2 is no we do not have kids together my very sincere suggestion is you stop contacting him (and I do not know your emotional connection with him and would totally understand that cutting him off might be difficult but he is an adult and does not need you to check in with him).

You do know my emotional connection because I said it about half a dozen times!!!!! We are friends and we have slept together a few times. I said I am neither distraught nor heart-broken, just a bit miffed.

OP posts:
squirrelsbizaar · 18/04/2020 21:43

There’s a long list of things that annoy you about him, does he have any redeeming features. I mean what are you actually getting out of the friendship.

Bubblebu · 18/04/2020 21:45

OK UnaCorda Sat 18-Apr-20 21:26:59

I am very sorry I have missed your previous messages.

And if you are in your 40s (as I am) I would come to a very different conclusion than you have but with no offence meant.

Sincerely.

LouiseCollina · 18/04/2020 21:45

He actually had the nerve to disagree when you refused to give him a nude photo of yourself? Then he thinks you're at his beck and call whenever he pleases? There's nothing "inconsequential" about being treated with this level of disrespect OP. You should cut this creep out of your life immediately. I've no idea what you're hanging round for, he's not worth a fuck - literally!

UnaCorda · 18/04/2020 23:15

He actually had the nerve to disagree when you refused to give him a nude photo of yourself?

He asked how he could persuade me.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. Seems fairly unanimous...

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 19/04/2020 04:47

He's being inconsiderate to you. Why don't you agree at the end of each Skype when the next one will be then you'll all be prepared?

Shoxfordian · 19/04/2020 08:07

He sounds like a knob
Self isolate from him permanently

bee222 · 19/04/2020 08:31

“Well quite. He is a fairly serious amateur artist“

Then he should know that there are plenty of resources available for artists, where you can obtain photos of professionally posed and lit life models to work from if you can’t get to a life class.
He doesn’t want that though because he’s a creepy weirdo.

Veterinari · 19/04/2020 08:45

I have said he's presumptuous, makes me feel like an afterthought, has a funny attitude towards women, made me feel uncomfortable by asking for a naked photo and is a crap shag. Not sure how any of that is defending him.

You either need to accept that you've chose to spend your time with an unpleasant man, or call him out on his behaviour/end the friendship.
Why on earth would he change his behaviour if you never challenge him on it?

RestaurantoffBroadway · 19/04/2020 08:52

No, I get it OP. There are some kinds of friendships where there is a sort of mild satisfying awareness that they fancy you even though you don't want it, and there are some fWb situations that can turn into a nice shared experience sort of friendship.

Unfortunately, or fortunately if you like, for some men (often those in 50s and above) that's when you see the best of them as they're more interested in you & attentive but you don't have to be their partner.

Doesn't mean you're not really friends - and the nude painting thing isn't that creepy if you're a bit more broad minded than some on here. However, he does also seem to have shortcomings as a friend.

I suspect he has treated you well as a friend up to now, according to his lights, but the narcissistic thoughtless stuff that would make him a rubbish partner also makes him a bad close friend.

No need for some dramatic cutting-off or blocking- just don't be so available and drift away from him. Find other people & things more interesting. It's dull to be expected to drop everything.

If that thought causes you pain then that would be the time to check in with yourself in case he's actually performing another emotional job for you (only you know what that is, exactly).

ThanosSavedMe · 19/04/2020 14:01

Tell him to stop being a selfish dick and to grow up.

UnaCorda · 25/04/2020 14:54

Arsehole has just done exactly the same thing again. Not a peep out of him all week, then half an hour's notice of his stupid "Skype cafe". Angry

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 25/04/2020 17:53

He’s being unreasonable and you need to tell him that.
If he gets the hump about being told he’s being unreasonable that’s his problem, not yours.

UnaCorda · 26/04/2020 01:05

@AriadnesFilament - yes, you're right. Suspect it won't go down well, though.

OP posts:
Pretenditsaplan · 26/04/2020 01:37

You stopped sleeping together and he pushed it because he didnt want the arrangement to stop.

He asked for a nude photo. You saif no. He pushed the issue.

Hes decided last minute skype video calls are mandatory. You disagreed. He pushed back.

What happens when lock down is over and he invites himself round and you say no?
Hell turn up

What happens when he wants to then rekindle the fwb situation? What about all the above makes you think even a little bit that he wont push again. Possibly well over your boundries.

He clearly has no regards for your thoughts or feelings and expects you to cater to him and his wants. (Shown clearly in how he handles himself in bed). This "friendship" isnt about you and him. Its about him and getting what he wants out of it.

It may well of been a slow build to where you are now but his 'demands' are escalating exponentially. Its worrying and i really do think you need to not only step back from this controlling situation but to leave it completely. It could easily become dangerous.

Swipe left for the next trending thread