To not know how to handle this c-section dilemma

[DrNorthern]

To be honest I'm posting here for traffic, but please be kind. Please can anyone give me some advice about how to handle this situation?

I'm having an ELCS in June. This is due to me experiencing tokophobia, a severe terror of childbirth, which has stemmed from childhood abuse and my upbringing. I've gone though a lot of steps to get here and seen senior consultants and have been recommended this as best for me at this time to support my MH and to ensure I have the best chance to bond with my baby.

I don't have a close relationship with my own mother and haven't disclosed this info to her. It's none of her business and in any case I'm not in touch with her very often, and if I were to tell her about my plans she would only criticise or pick it apart.

I have a better relationship with my PIL, in the sense that they are very nice people, not abusive, although neither me or my DH are massively close to them iyswim. DH loves his Mum and Dad but isn't one of those sons who speaks to his Mum every day or shares all his thoughts with her. DH has mentioned to them in the past that I'm not really close to my mother, but they don't know the full extent of the abuse in my childhood or my subsequent MH issues. They are fairly traditional / old fashioned with old fashioned family values and DH and I both feel like they wouldn't really "want" to know about it, or understand iyswim. They are very nice people, but they're not really 'au fait' with mental health or the idea of therapy / counselling etc, in an old fashioned sort of way, so it's never felt appropriate or comfortable to say about my tokophobia and I've kept it private.

So far I haven't disclosed the fact I'm having ELCS to anyone else except DH. My question is, how to handle it all afterwards. My PIL have said they are keen to visit soon after the birth and no doubt I'll need to explain I've had a c-section so they know I'm recovering, potentially in bed(?), why I can't walk so well, lift things, why I'm limited with what I can do for first few days/weeks, and also why I'm unable to drive.

What reason should I give that I've had a c-section? Should I say it was planned or allow them to assume it was emergency, in which case my MIL might well ask why and that could open up a different can of worms. (She is really excited about the baby and loves chatting about all the details of birth / babies etc, so I think she'll definitely ask what happened).

Or do I say "actually it was planned beforehand" and then I'll have to have a reason why I didn't tell them and a reason for the ELCS in the first place. I don't really want to go into detail about my mental health with them, as without being rude, it's not really any of their business either. But as they are going to be around, involved and helping, I do think they should be aware that I had a c-section. But I don't know what reason I can give that's a safe white lie I can use. Do people elect to have c-sections a few days before the birth for any reason?

Sorry if this sounds confusing, it's my first baby and I've not had to think about any of this before.

You could say afterwards that the baby was breech. I know friends who had to have c-sections due to the baby being breech and couldn’t be turned. Then you don’t have to say it was elective.

I'd probably make up a benign lie that your baby was breech or transverse (disclaimer, I have no medical knowledge so no idea if that's even plausible but most would buy it!). I wouldn't explain your real reasons or say anything dramatic happened in labour.

Wishing you well for the birth.

Why not tell them your consultant has recommended a c section? Completely true and if they are traditional she may not ask for details?

“I opted for a Caesarian section”
If they ask why then you say “because that’s what I wanted”

I would just be partially honest in that it was elective and say after a lot of discussion they decided it was best for baby and you to go with an elcs. Maybe say baby was measuring large, or smaller so they wanted to get baby out by a specific date?

“I opted for a Caesarian section”
If they ask why then you say “because that’s what I wanted

Some people will just nod to this and others will take it as a cue to ask more questions...depends what they're like.

Say you’ll be having a C section. After discussion with your consultant that was deemed the best option.
Either then deflect. How exciting it is you’re going to meet your baby. Don’t want to bore you with my entire medical history!!
Congratulations Op.

agree with people saying you could say position ( my c section was for breech presentation) or if you really dont feel comfortable lying just say you were advised to have one due to medical reasons, you dont need to elaborate. I probably wouldnt go down the route of allowing them to think or for you to say it was an emergency one - I also had an emergency one and I think it brings up more questions than just saying it was planned previously

I had an elective section, when people asked me why I usually replied "Because I'm too posh to push" with a smile, which usually stopped any more questions. If they wanted more I just said because that was safer for us both and that's all that matters isn't it.

You are having an elective c section on medical advice. That is all anyone outside your medical team and DH need to know.

I’d just say baby was breech.

Often it’s not picked up until very last-minute that a baby is breech, so you could just make out it was last-minute planned c-section.

Plus ‘baby was breech’ is so straightforward when people want a response and shouldn’t invite many extra questions or have you justify anything.

No need to lie or to over share just say ( if asked) that your consultant advised the Caesarian.

I dont think you should lie and i dont think you need to give any information you are uncomfortable with

You don’t need to lie or tell them anything- just say you had a c sec and if they ask why smile so it doesn’t sound rude and say you’re sorry you really don’t want to talk about it. Then change the subject.

I've had 2 c sections, one not planned the second was elective. No one asked why I had the elective c section, I would of said if asked. But it's no one's business if you don't want to say.

My first thought was to say the baby is breech as well. Whenever you have your last appointment before the ELCS, just tell them it was found to be breech then and so it'll be an ELCS on that date.

Totally reasonable to want to keep your real reasoning private, and this way gives you the easiest explanation, and no need to worry them that you were in some sort of emergency situation.

I think you should tell them before it happens, you'll be given a date for it in advance as its elective. Like PP suggested Just tell them your consultant recommended it and its whats best for both of you.
I've had 2 csections although both were emergencies and folk dont tend to ask much beyond how you delivered.
But they may be hurt if you knew the date before hand and didnt tell them.

I would say the doctors have recommended you have a c-section for medical reasons. Very few people - especially traditional old fashioned people - will enquire any further and if they do you can make a generic response that it was to protect your health.

I'm having a similar dilemma as I will probably choose an elective section.

My current plan is not to mention it beforehand (I will be doing all the birth preparation anyway, just in case something goes wrong and baby comes earlier/faster than expected), then once baby is here just to say that elcs is what we decided was safest all round and doctors agreed (which is true) and not go into specifics. I think my in-laws will accept this without too much nosing (esp as SIL had a 48 hour labour followed by EMCS) but my mum might question it as she is quite an "earth mother" type. Thankfully we get on well enough for me to tell her to do one though, at least once it's all over if not before

In your case OP I think I'd leave it till after the birth and just say that doctors advised it as the lowest risk option so you decided to go with that. Maybe get your DH to tell her to back off a bit off she gets too nosy and Tel her that it's your private medical business.. it all depends on what your relationship is like though..

Interested to hear what others on the thread think.

Baby was breech is much more 'socially acceptable' if you care about such things than a planned csection for other reasons. I've no problem telling people I'd a planned csection but I've a complicated medical history and 'it was the best option' stops most people.

If you make up a breech baby, your MiL might be in the back enough to enquire about breech aftercare - my breech baby needed his hips x rayed at 6 weeks and 6 months.

Just tell them 'I was recommended to have a c section"
I was, for physical reasons, you were for psychological reasons. No need to go into detail just "drs orders"

Do they monitor breech babies more before birth? It is a long time since I had my children.

Ds1 was breech for ages and then turned quite late but no extra monitoring. In the end I ended up with an EMCS and people tend to ask why a lot (failure to progress and then a baby in severe distress was the clincher) with Ds2 I opted for an ELCS (childcare and I have a complicated medical history).

As you will know your ELCS date I would tell them in advance but I would just stick with my consultant deemed it safest for the baby and myself and leave it at that. As you say you aren't that close to them so I cannot see them prying, if they are worried, just reassure them that you and the baby are fine and the delivery is a c section. You can and have every right to say I don't wish to discuss it.

I'd give a vague "it was recommended for health reasons" explanation, and I'd probably do it ahead of time. If they're a bit old-fashioned and traditional they probably won't enquire further - I mean not many people would outright say "oh really, what health reasons?"

I had an ELCS for MH reasons; I just said to anyone who asked that it was what I wanted. You don't need to have a reason. Wishing you all the best with it. It was 100% the right choice for me.