To not know how to handle this c-section dilemma

[DrNorthern]

To be honest I'm posting here for traffic, but please be kind. Please can anyone give me some advice about how to handle this situation?

I'm having an ELCS in June. This is due to me experiencing tokophobia, a severe terror of childbirth, which has stemmed from childhood abuse and my upbringing. I've gone though a lot of steps to get here and seen senior consultants and have been recommended this as best for me at this time to support my MH and to ensure I have the best chance to bond with my baby.

I don't have a close relationship with my own mother and haven't disclosed this info to her. It's none of her business and in any case I'm not in touch with her very often, and if I were to tell her about my plans she would only criticise or pick it apart.

I have a better relationship with my PIL, in the sense that they are very nice people, not abusive, although neither me or my DH are massively close to them iyswim. DH loves his Mum and Dad but isn't one of those sons who speaks to his Mum every day or shares all his thoughts with her. DH has mentioned to them in the past that I'm not really close to my mother, but they don't know the full extent of the abuse in my childhood or my subsequent MH issues. They are fairly traditional / old fashioned with old fashioned family values and DH and I both feel like they wouldn't really "want" to know about it, or understand iyswim. They are very nice people, but they're not really 'au fait' with mental health or the idea of therapy / counselling etc, in an old fashioned sort of way, so it's never felt appropriate or comfortable to say about my tokophobia and I've kept it private.

So far I haven't disclosed the fact I'm having ELCS to anyone else except DH. My question is, how to handle it all afterwards. My PIL have said they are keen to visit soon after the birth and no doubt I'll need to explain I've had a c-section so they know I'm recovering, potentially in bed(?), why I can't walk so well, lift things, why I'm limited with what I can do for first few days/weeks, and also why I'm unable to drive.

What reason should I give that I've had a c-section? Should I say it was planned or allow them to assume it was emergency, in which case my MIL might well ask why and that could open up a different can of worms. (She is really excited about the baby and loves chatting about all the details of birth / babies etc, so I think she'll definitely ask what happened).

Or do I say "actually it was planned beforehand" and then I'll have to have a reason why I didn't tell them and a reason for the ELCS in the first place. I don't really want to go into detail about my mental health with them, as without being rude, it's not really any of their business either. But as they are going to be around, involved and helping, I do think they should be aware that I had a c-section. But I don't know what reason I can give that's a safe white lie I can use. Do people elect to have c-sections a few days before the birth for any reason?

Sorry if this sounds confusing, it's my first baby and I've not had to think about any of this before.

I had this issue! I have always had tokophobia and it put me off wanting children for years because I was so scared of childbirth.

With my pregnancy, I had all my antenatal care in China where a c-section is the norm, and when I got back to Northern Ireland, I actually psyched myself up to go for the induction, then spent 6 hours having a complete panic attack, convinced my baby would die and so would I, while the poor midwife in the induction bay was trying to calm me down and she ended up getting the registrar to come and go through what an ELCS would entail with me.

The registrar then did a scan to look at my baby and said he'd shifted to an oblique lie so couldn't have come out any other way.
When I was going into theatre to have the CS the consultant-midwife asked me why I was having it and I said about the baby being oblique because I was too ashamed of how scared I'd been. Of course, she could see my notes so I should have just been upfront.

Half my family are midwives and I dreaded having to tell them what had happened so I didn't tell anyone for weeks before I finally admitted it, and everyone was fine about it.

It's taken me months to come to terms with the fact I "failed" at having a baby the "proper" way but I know now that a lot of that stigma comes from within me, from the phobia of having a baby, not from other people's genuine opinions. Literally no one has said anything nasty to me about having had a C-section. I wish I'd been honest with my consultant about my fears and felt brave enough to ask for a C-section when I first got back to the UK instead of letting it go on for 12 weeks thinking I was going to be able to try for a vaginal birth.

You are so courageous confronting your fear and taking action straight away to minimise the stress on the day.

I also found that my family and in laws were very supportive when they realised that an ELCS meant they knew the date and could therefore plan around it!

If they are old fashioned they probably won't ask after 'medical reasons'. I had a c-section as baby was breech but I don't know if my PILs even cared about/registered the reason (7 out of 11 gcs were c-sections for various reasons including size etc so it's way less of a big deal now). I know mine were thrilled to know the date. I wouldn't worry about a white lie if it means it's less awkward for all of you.

'Why did you have a section?'

'The consultant advised it, so I was booked in for one from 12/18/32 weeks'

'Were you disappointed?'

'Knowing in advance made things a lot easier, really, and the most important thing is that s/he got here safely, so it's not something I've thought about'.

'Oh. Another cuppa?'

'Yes, please'.

Sorted.

You only need to say you are having one on medical advice. Everyone will be focused on your gorgeous baby and won't want to know details.

Good luck 💐

I had an elective already booked, but had high blood pressure in the weeks leading up to my due date so was told if it got worse I'd need to have a section (ie earlier than the one I'd planned. I think I've only been asked once why I'd a section, and said threatened pre-eclampsia. With dc2 it is easier to get a section when you've already had one and no one asks then.
(I'm not talking about medical staff involved in your care, they will ask and I wouldn't lie to them. Random people I have no compunction about lying to if I think they would sit in judgement).

This really is a super easy one - don't stress about it! Absolutely time for a white lie - as this really is your business and no-on else's. Either say baby turned breech, or simply say lack of progress - which is again a totally common reason.

'Dear PIL, just to let you know baby X is here fine and both mum and baby are well. It didn't go exactly to plan, unfortunately things didn't progress as they should and baby got a bit stuck so DrNorthern ended up with a c-section, but all's well and recovering now. We're going to hold off on visiting until we're home and DrN is feeling a bit more up to visitors but see you very soon. Love, DH.'

Let DH handle his parents, on his own.

He can get them together and say something like "We have some news. The consultant has recommended a C-section. It's for very personal lady- reasons. First thing, baby and DW are perfectly well, there is nothing at all to worry about.

Second thing is, she's very sensitive about why it needs to be a CS. So for her sake we've decided to keep that completely private and not discuss it with anyone else, even you. Can we can count on your support , please?

Yeah breach or low lying placenta qould be good reasons. A white lie in this case sounds perfectly acceptable! Good luck!

I'd just say baby was breech. That's why I've had 2 ELCS. No one will question it any further.

I had a similar issue for my first baby. We didn’t tell the PIL our decision until the day before the ELCS and then told them the baby was found to be breech in a late scan and so I was having an ELCS the following day.

They were very pro natural birth, no pain relief etc and I didn’t have the energy to have the argument with them, so we decided on the lie.

I had placenta preavia and had to have a section with ds2 so you could say that if you were pushed.

Opposite to you op I was terrified of the section and needed ptsd counselling after it. Which dealt with my first traumatic vaginal birth as well. I ended up having a third baby with another section after and it was a wonderful experience. I had something called a kanga wrap and they put dd straight on my chest with the chord still attached. Didn’t take her to weigh her for a while and left us to bond. Something I didn’t have with my other 2. It really made all the difference. I hope it goes well op. Don’t worry about other people, focus on you and the baby.

MontysOarlock
I had a breech baby, they did one x-ray when baby was 6 weeks old to check the hips.

Meredithgrey1

Yes I'd go with what you are saying too and would tell them ahead of time.
Op if the are old fashioned they most likely won't ask what health reasons.My Dad is old fashioned too and didn't ask.
If you want to tell them a reason I'd say baby is breech.
Congratulations of your pregnancy hope everything is going well for you

@MontysOarlock, my first baby was an undiagnosed, back to back breech (apparentjy I had really strong stomach muscles from pg Pilates, so they couldn’t feel him properly). No extra monitoring for breech before he was born because he was undiagnosed.

My second baby was more closely monitored, and was breech at 36 weeks (had an extra scan). She turned of her own accord before I went into labour spontaneously at 39 weeks, but ended up with a crash section (at 10cm dilation!) for other reasons.

Thanks for the responses and support.

Although they are old fashioned and wouldn't be very accepting of tokophobia etc, my MIL is really really excited about the baby and I think she'll definitely ask probing questions. She's already done do all through the pregnancy. In her eyes this is all fine.

Also, she can be a little claustrophobic with how invested she is, and I'm wondering about not telling them in advance of the ELCS, and DH just telling them on the day. The reasons being that I think if she knows the date I'll be getting lots of texts and calls right up until the 11th hour, "not long now!" etc etc which I don't feel will help with my anxiety. For example in the fortnight before our wedding she text me every morning "only X days to go!" Which was kindly meant but had I been really nervous it might have sent me round the bend...

No way in Hell would I be telling her the date! (It can change anyway).

Yeah, I think that's sensible. I'm not intending to tell family the date (I haven't even told them the due date, just said "late July").

I was up and about 10hours after both c sections. You’ll be fine to have visitors IF you want them. Totally up to you.

You could just say the labour didn't progress so needed a c section. That's what happened to me and a very common reason for emergency c sections.

If I were you I’d get your husband to talk to them afterwards. Surely he’s going to be the one updating them anyway once baby is born. He can just explain that you had a c section on medical advice but that you’d rather not talk about the details. Hopefully your MIL will then just be excited to see the baby and move on.

Why don't you just leave that to your husband to tell them, when he calls to say you've had the baby?

What makes you think your MIL wouldn't be sympathetic? I'd be horrified if my DIL thought that of me.

@Hollowtalk they wouldn't be hugely empathetic regarding the real reasons for the ELCS, as they don't believe in therapy / counselling and mental health is a sort of taboo.

DrNorthern

So are you not planning to tell them your due date?They know anyway what month you are due?
I was thinking she will probably txt you anyway coming up to the due date?
But your earlier question about people electing to have section before the birth, i'm in ireland but in the last few weeks of pregnancy we have appointments every week in the last few weeks, do you have this in the uk?
If so you could say you had routine app and they booked you in for section in a few days time or on the day of your section you could say/your husband could tell them after the birth that you had routine app and they kept you in for a c-section that day.

You can say your having a C section but it,s for personal reasons you rather not discuss. Would they not appreciate your privacy. (My inlaws would my parents less so.) Could to let them know though as you may need mre support with a c section. (unable to bed/ drive/ lift heavy stuff.)

@Oncewasblueandyellowtwo they know the due date, as in the actual due date if I went for a labour. Obvs the c-section is booked for a week before that though, so they probably would be less "intense" with the questions / texts at that stage than they would if they knew it was due earlier. If that makes sense.