To not know how to handle this c-section dilemma

[DrNorthern]

To be honest I'm posting here for traffic, but please be kind. Please can anyone give me some advice about how to handle this situation?

I'm having an ELCS in June. This is due to me experiencing tokophobia, a severe terror of childbirth, which has stemmed from childhood abuse and my upbringing. I've gone though a lot of steps to get here and seen senior consultants and have been recommended this as best for me at this time to support my MH and to ensure I have the best chance to bond with my baby.

I don't have a close relationship with my own mother and haven't disclosed this info to her. It's none of her business and in any case I'm not in touch with her very often, and if I were to tell her about my plans she would only criticise or pick it apart.

I have a better relationship with my PIL, in the sense that they are very nice people, not abusive, although neither me or my DH are massively close to them iyswim. DH loves his Mum and Dad but isn't one of those sons who speaks to his Mum every day or shares all his thoughts with her. DH has mentioned to them in the past that I'm not really close to my mother, but they don't know the full extent of the abuse in my childhood or my subsequent MH issues. They are fairly traditional / old fashioned with old fashioned family values and DH and I both feel like they wouldn't really "want" to know about it, or understand iyswim. They are very nice people, but they're not really 'au fait' with mental health or the idea of therapy / counselling etc, in an old fashioned sort of way, so it's never felt appropriate or comfortable to say about my tokophobia and I've kept it private.

So far I haven't disclosed the fact I'm having ELCS to anyone else except DH. My question is, how to handle it all afterwards. My PIL have said they are keen to visit soon after the birth and no doubt I'll need to explain I've had a c-section so they know I'm recovering, potentially in bed(?), why I can't walk so well, lift things, why I'm limited with what I can do for first few days/weeks, and also why I'm unable to drive.

What reason should I give that I've had a c-section? Should I say it was planned or allow them to assume it was emergency, in which case my MIL might well ask why and that could open up a different can of worms. (She is really excited about the baby and loves chatting about all the details of birth / babies etc, so I think she'll definitely ask what happened).

Or do I say "actually it was planned beforehand" and then I'll have to have a reason why I didn't tell them and a reason for the ELCS in the first place. I don't really want to go into detail about my mental health with them, as without being rude, it's not really any of their business either. But as they are going to be around, involved and helping, I do think they should be aware that I had a c-section. But I don't know what reason I can give that's a safe white lie I can use. Do people elect to have c-sections a few days before the birth for any reason?

Sorry if this sounds confusing, it's my first baby and I've not had to think about any of this before.

@june tbh I think the mystery would cause more questions- I can imagine my MIL asking DH privately to disclose the details to her. I don't really feel comfortable with that.

DrNorthern

I get you now, would saying you had your routine app, and they recommended for health reasons/breech baby, a c-section that day work?

Op, I'v had a breach baby. If you refuse the ECV they book you in for 39 weeks. I'd tell her that. Also no one in the hospital was prepared to deliver a breach baby so you can say that if she questions why you didn't try a vaginal delivery.

Also if she asks for a date give her a date closer to 40 weeks then when baby born just say they called you in earlier due to scheduling changes.

I wouldn't mention a CS in advance OP. I wouldn't want anyone knowing the date in advance unless we needed them to know for childcare or something. The date could easily change anyway so there's no need for them to know in advance.

Once baby is born DH can announce the birth. 'Baby Jane was born at 10:30 weighing 8lbs. Mother and baby doing well, Jane was breech so Dr Northern is recovering from her section. Visiting hours are 15:00 - 17:00 and it would be lovely to see you/or, we should be home this evening, we would love to see you tomorrow afternoon once we're all settled'.

You honestly don't have to tell them why you've had a section. I would go with breech though if you think giving a reason straight off will prevent questions.

Hopefully they'll be so engrossed in baby that they will be focusing on how lovely he/she is and won't think to ask too many questions.

Yes, just say baby was breech. It's a white lie and avoids any intrusion into your personal issues.

Personally I'd avoid lying, because it would stress me out in case I contradicted myself or my husband did. I'd just say the doctor advised it and then indicate your feelings. "So turns out we're having a section, I'm happy because it's the best thing for the baby, I love my doc we're in great hands" and then you're leaving little wiggle room for questions. Birth is so personal it can be hard not to project your own feelings.

A section would be my worst nightmare and it took me ages to realise that my feelings weren't rational and that how I feel about a section is how someone feels about a vaginal birth. So I'd probably have been commiserating with someone who had to have a section when they might have secretly been delighted.

The irritating thing about opting to have a CS is how many people will ask the question ‘why’ and if you give a vague answer, many still want more information.

I had to jump through every loop possible to have a CS last time, it really put a strain on my MH. I wanted one because I’d had previous extremely traumatic deliveries and a traumatic miscarriage where I had almost died. I didn’t really want to go into all of those details with everyone but as soon as I mentioned I’d be having a CS everyone asked why, everyone- even the midwives who visited after he had been born.

To avoid having to drag up traumatic information, I would tell a white lie to preserve your privacy and MH. Just say the baby is breech.

@Umnoway yep, whilst I agree with others that OP shouldn’t have to explain herself, unfortunately people WILL be nosy and dig deeper if she’s says ‘I/they felt c-section was best’. Saying breech is an easy way to halt the conversation and avoid annoying, intrusive questions.

How about, there were signs of distress so a c-section was advised. Everyone is going to assume it was the baby and leave it at that.
You can then add, if necessary, that you really don't want to talk about it.

You and DH need to agree on whatever line you decide to take and firmly stick to it.
MIL "Why the c-section"
You/DH: "medical advice"
MIL: What happened"
You/DH: We aren't discussing it"
MiL: "Why"
You/DH: "We're focusing on the safe arrival of DC"
MIL: ????
You/DH: "Please drop it, we aren't discussing it"
MIL ???
You/DH: "It's not up for discussion"
MIL: ???
You/DH: "We aren't discussing it"
and repeat

MumW I wouldn't personally go for the sign of distress one as it is far more emotional than the baby being breech - they might think they were in danger of losing the baby.
If they are the type of people who don't talk about such things, they may never get the nerve up to ask for details anyway!