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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is emotionally manipulative

73 replies

Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 09:30

My parents have been divorced since I was a child. They used to refuse to talk, but since i got married and had a child things are much more better and they actually get along. We had Christmas together and have special events together.

My baby is almost one and they are both besotted by her.

I suggested to them both that when all this Covid stuff is over we take a big family trip with my husband's family and them, their partners and my sister. I explained I thought they would say no as it may be awkward, but I thought it was worth asking so they knew they'd be welcome.

Before anyone pipes up with IABU for expecting them to come, I didn't expect them to say yes. I just hoped they would. I would love to go away with them both separately, but I cant afford two trips and I didn't want to choose between them. And this post isnt about me being annoyed that she isn't coming (just to clarify). Being a child of divorce is complicated as a lot of you will know.

My Mum has replied saying that whilst it was a lovely idea it would be awkward (fair enough). She then added that her partner wouldn't want to go away with anyone regardless of who it was. She said she had spoken to him about it before and it would not be his choice to go away with anyone except her, so she wouldn't have come anyway. Fair enough it's his life and his holiday.

She then followed it up to say that she would be upset if we went with everyone else but she would have to deal with it. She then said she would feel less upset if we just went with my husband's family. She mentioned being upset 3 or 4 times in the reply.

My Dad hasn't replied yet, but I feel a bit emotionally manipulated. I feel like she's trying to say if I go with my Dad it will be making her upset, and a way to minimise that upset is to just go with my husband's family.
If my Dad says he would be willing to go with everyone, I now feel that I can't go with him because my Mum would be upset. Even though she is choosing not to come, and even if she wanted to come she wouldn't come because her partner wouldn't come.

I totally understand her reasoning for not coming, and I totally understand it would be upsetting for her to see us all on holiday and her feeling left out. But if i were her l would have left that part out.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit emotionally manipulated into feeling like I now have go say my Dad can't come, irregardless of his response?

OP posts:
MaeDanvers · 18/04/2020 09:35

Well it’s a bit emotionally manipulative yes on her part, but for the manipulation to work you have to agree to let yourself be swayed by what she says.

She’s made her decision and she can’t dictate what everyone else chooses to do. Tell her to take responsibility for her choice. And stop telling yourself you have to change plans based on her choices. You really don’t.

HearthandHome · 18/04/2020 09:35

In if your dad says yes then just go. Your mother made her choice, she’s being a prick if she expects you not to go.

HandfulOfDust · 18/04/2020 09:37

I think she's being a bit silly. Of course she could be upset if you went with everyone else and didn't invite her but she has been invited and chose not to go so she'll have to be the one to deal with the feelings of being left out.

Tigersneeze · 18/04/2020 09:38

sounds like the issue is with hour mums partner mainly? Sounds like she would join if he wasn't against it?

the whole thing sounds like its a power play, step back, don't take part.

And I wouldn't un-invite hour dad if he says yes, then you have 2 upset parents instead of one.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/04/2020 09:38

Oh, OK, mum. I understand you and [partner] have your reasons. Maybe we can organise something else with you later.

Leave it with her... her choice, she is an adult.

TheEighthHorcrux · 18/04/2020 09:42

Well, she said that she would be upset but that's her problem to deal with...

So I would have no problem going with my Dad if he said yes.

I understand you may feel like you're upsetting her but it's her decision (or maybe her partner's?) not to come and so you mustn't feel bad about her being upset.

crankysaurus · 18/04/2020 09:44

I think of your dad says yes then you should stick with that. The invitation was to all but they can each decide how they respond to that.

As an aside, that sounds like odd behaviour from your mother's partner, does he never let her go anywhere with anyone else, either with or without him?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 18/04/2020 09:45

Honestly I think you are expecting too much fro everybody. Who would seriously want to go on holiday with their ex? You are being a little unfair to ask.

Janedoughnut · 18/04/2020 09:49

I agree with others. It's your mother's decision not to come so if she's upset it's her own fault. If her partner doesn't want to come then there's nothing stopping her coming without him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/04/2020 09:52

Who would seriously want to go on holiday with their ex? Then all her mum had to say was the first part - no thanks, that would be too awkard for me!

All after that was unecessary and manipulative!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/04/2020 09:55

YWBVU to tell your dad he can't come now. The only person responsible for your mother's feelings is your mother. Not you.

Hopefully your dad will say yes and you'll have a lovely time away.

Hopefully your

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 10:12

@crankysaurus - I did consider this myself, but I don't think it's a case of him not letting her. I just don't think she would go anywhere without him. Which sadly means no family holidays ever. She's always been one to put the man in her life before everyone else, so i don't think I can blame him totally.

@TimeIHadANameChange yes you're right. I would be unreasonable to say no to my Dad now. I hadn't thought of it like that.

Thanks everyone. Hopefully my DD will say yes and i just need to push the guilt away and have a good time.

OP posts:
CanIbesomeoneelse · 18/04/2020 10:13

I don’t want to come, but I don’t want you having a nice holiday with your father either?

cstaff · 18/04/2020 10:13

She doesn't get to call the shots on this. She has made her choice which is fine but she does not get to decide who she wants to go. That is her trying to manipulate you.

buhbutterybiscuitbase · 18/04/2020 10:14

I'm in a similar situation with my parents and juggling three sets of grandparents with various issues is hard. I would absolutely go with your Dad if he accepts the invite, and you can acknowledge that will upset your Mum without changing everything and withdrawing offers from other people to prevent the upsetness. There will be decades of managing this situation and we have come to the conclusion that we can offer things and offer things fairly and what people do with that is up to them and we respect it. You have made a fair invite and that's where your responsibility to manage people's emotions ends. Good luck and enjoy the trip with whoever feels they can come.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 10:15

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes I do agree it's not the best situation and i probably wouldn't want to if I were in their shoes. But I'm working with the situation I'm in as I explained in my post. And my question wasn't about being upset she isn't coming, I totally understand - as previously stated. It is about how i should feel about the emotions in her response.

OP posts:
Savingshoes · 18/04/2020 10:18

Your mum feels like she has a close enough relationship with you to tell you how she feels and how her partner feels about trips.
You still have the right to make choices that go against her opinion, you just need to have the same level of respect by informing her of your decision and getting on with it.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 10:18

@CanIbesomeoneelse
Yes this is what it boils down to isn't it? And also if her partner never wants to come away, does thqmeant mean she never would, but would be upset if i ever did with my Dad?

OP posts:
buhbutterybiscuitbase · 18/04/2020 10:19

To those that think it's unreasonable to ask if someone would like to go on holiday with their ex, I think it all changes when there's a grandchild involved. People get upset if their not invited also or if this person has more time with them and on and on. If you make the decision for them about what they might or might not find acceptable you tie yourself up in emotional knots trying to second guess every situation (I'm thinking of the stress of my child's first birthday party, which should be a happy event). Be fair with your invitations, accommodate where you can but let them make the decision (like your Mum has and your Dad will), it's the only way.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 10:21

@buhbutterybiscuitbase
I'm sorry you are in this situation to. It's rubbish. I have to admit I do feel jealous when I see my friends going on holiday with their families.
I think going forward we will have to come up with a system to make it fair. But it doesn't sound like my Mum would ever come because of her partner unfortunately.

OP posts:
Samtsirch · 18/04/2020 10:21

The invitation included every one, they are free to accept or decline as they see fit, beyond that I don’t think you need to stress over it. You are going on the holiday and the ones who want to come along are very welcome, the ones who decline have made their decision for their own reasons.Don’t let others complicate this.

CanIbesomeoneelse · 18/04/2020 10:22

Enjoy your holiday, guilt free. She has made her choice, she’s being reasonable to not want to come, but unreasonable to expect you to not invite your father to spare her feelings. If it meant that much to her, she’d have made a different decision.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 10:23

@buhbutterybiscuitbase
And thank you for the back up. I never would have suggested it if it wasn't for my daughter but I'm desperate for quality family time after all this. I've found the same. It's almost a competition who loves them the most and who sees them the most. It's madness.

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 18/04/2020 10:31

I would respond:

Disappointed that you don't want to come but thanks for letting me know. I need to be clear that we'll travel with whoever we want and that includes Dad if he wants to go. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but you can't call the shots on who we holiday with!

LouiseCollina · 18/04/2020 13:48

This was emotionally manipulative and unfair and you should not tolerate it. I wouldn’t respond in confrontational tones though. I’d save that for any more of the same if your dad accepted the invite.

Something else you’re going to have to navigate here is whether to tell your dad your mother refused the invite, as that will likely influence his and his partners decision. Such a minefield! I wish you well with it.

One way or the other, don’t let this ruin your holiday. These sort of family dramatics have the strong potential to do that.