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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is emotionally manipulative

73 replies

Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 09:30

My parents have been divorced since I was a child. They used to refuse to talk, but since i got married and had a child things are much more better and they actually get along. We had Christmas together and have special events together.

My baby is almost one and they are both besotted by her.

I suggested to them both that when all this Covid stuff is over we take a big family trip with my husband's family and them, their partners and my sister. I explained I thought they would say no as it may be awkward, but I thought it was worth asking so they knew they'd be welcome.

Before anyone pipes up with IABU for expecting them to come, I didn't expect them to say yes. I just hoped they would. I would love to go away with them both separately, but I cant afford two trips and I didn't want to choose between them. And this post isnt about me being annoyed that she isn't coming (just to clarify). Being a child of divorce is complicated as a lot of you will know.

My Mum has replied saying that whilst it was a lovely idea it would be awkward (fair enough). She then added that her partner wouldn't want to go away with anyone regardless of who it was. She said she had spoken to him about it before and it would not be his choice to go away with anyone except her, so she wouldn't have come anyway. Fair enough it's his life and his holiday.

She then followed it up to say that she would be upset if we went with everyone else but she would have to deal with it. She then said she would feel less upset if we just went with my husband's family. She mentioned being upset 3 or 4 times in the reply.

My Dad hasn't replied yet, but I feel a bit emotionally manipulated. I feel like she's trying to say if I go with my Dad it will be making her upset, and a way to minimise that upset is to just go with my husband's family.
If my Dad says he would be willing to go with everyone, I now feel that I can't go with him because my Mum would be upset. Even though she is choosing not to come, and even if she wanted to come she wouldn't come because her partner wouldn't come.

I totally understand her reasoning for not coming, and I totally understand it would be upsetting for her to see us all on holiday and her feeling left out. But if i were her l would have left that part out.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit emotionally manipulated into feeling like I now have go say my Dad can't come, irregardless of his response?

OP posts:

Keeva2017 · 19/04/2020 09:46

Not weird for everyone’s separated parents to holiday together. Happens in my family op. It’s a blessing and I understand why it’s something you would foster if you could. Your mum was being extremely manipulative and unfair.

Honeyroar · 19/04/2020 09:50

I agree with @Tomselleckhaskindeyes too. I think it was too much to expect from your parent and pretty insensitive to ask. It was a no win situation for your mum - go and feel awkward at having to try and get on with your dad, or not go and feel left out.

TheBouquets · 19/04/2020 09:50

In an ideal world the idea of your whole family, you and DH plus DC, DH's parents (presumably still married) and your divorced parents each with their new partners would be nice but you have missed a major point in this. We do not know why your parents divorced and maybe you don't know the full story either. There will have been a reason for the divorce and in my case I stand by my reason for divorcing my ex.
My ex re-appeared after the DC were adults. He is telling a whole different story from the truth. Despite the DC having seen Court Orders etc he has managed to convince them of his stories.

I was polite when I was in a situation when he was present at the same time as me. He restarted his behaviours which caused the divorce. I remained polite.

There is no way on this planet or any other planet that I would want to be in close quarters to him for several days. It would be far to horrible.

As an adult yourself now you must be able to see that trying to combine divorced parents in close proximity is just not going to work.
I wondered if my own AC entertained any hope of a reconciliation of me and the ex, mistaking my politeness for acceptance. Although you say your divorced parents have new partners now I would wonder if you have similar hopes.

Lllot5 · 19/04/2020 09:56

I would go anywhere with my ex. Bad enough at my son’s wedding let alone a holiday.
I can’t believe you asked actually. Just because they are pretending to like each other for your benefit doesn’t mean they want to go on holiday together.
Your dad, if he’s anything like my ex, and for your sake I hope he’s not, will probably say yes now so he looks like the ‘reasonable one’ and your mum looks bad.

Lllot5 · 19/04/2020 09:57

Wouldn’t go any where with him.

ITasteSpring · 19/04/2020 09:59

I have read your post and I do think it was too much to ask of your parents. I know you said they get on better now, but that is nothing like going on holiday together. You've put them in a really awkward position by asking them. That is probably why your dad hasn't replied yet. To be honest, your parents have obviously made a real effort to smooth over the animosity for the sake of your grandchild. You should have stopped at being grateful for that, rather than have asked even more of them.

I know you can't afford two holidays, but you don't really need to holiday with them at all - that can be something you do with your own new family. And just enjoy at home day or day trips with the parents.
Tbh, your mum has done you a favour by saying no; that holiday had the potential to get really uncomfortable and blow apart the fragile peace your parents had managed to create with each other - with lasting damage being caused that no-one wants.

In fact, it looks like the request may have already caused ongoing tensions, between your mum and dad and with how you now feel about your mum. . If I were you, I would start to put a line under this by putting damage limitation in place by retracting the offer to your mum and your dad, saying it wasn't a good idea for you to have asked and you are sorry. That seems the best way to get things back to how they were, which it seems was pretty satisfactory.

BogRollBOGOF · 19/04/2020 10:08

The whole idea of a big group holiday amalgamating inlaws and divorced parents is very messy and an emotional minefield anyway. The majority of families would not be able to pull it off and all have a great time.

It's a bit of a lose-lose. Your mum has reasonably explained why it's not appropriate for her and her partner to go, although the caveat about going with your dad was unfair to state. But your request put her in a position that she could not agree to, and she's been put in a position of knowingly missing out on something you're doing with her ex which is not great either.

It was not a well thought out proposal.

Isitweekendyet · 19/04/2020 10:09

'Oh mum, I'm so sorry you don't want to come. If you change your mind you're still more than welcome! Don't be upset - we can arrange something another time, catch up soon x'

It's taken me thirty years OP, but I've learnt if you don't engage with the manipulation then gradually they get the idea... keep strong x

Iwantedthat · 19/04/2020 10:12

You shouldn't have asked really. People split up for reasons and it's a bit selfish of you to want them to go away together just because you want happy families. It would likely make both of your parents partners uncomfortable too, that wouldn't exactly be a nice holiday would it. Every child of divorced parents dreams of them being one big happy family again, that's not how the world works.

EL8888 · 19/04/2020 10:18

It was a big ask by you to ask them both to go. Your mum isn’t unreasonable to say she doesn’t want to go (or rather her partner doesn’t want them to). She is however unreasonable to say who does or doesn’t go sigh with. None of her business plus manipulative and controlling

ITasteSpring · 19/04/2020 10:24

Oh mum, I'm so sorry you don't want to come. If you change your mind you're still more than welcome!

Because that is not at all emotionally manipulating someone to go on holiday with an ex they had such a pain-filled divorce from they didn't speak for over a decade.

OP, the only constructive way out of this is to focus on what will give the best resolution that gets things back to how they were before you asked them on holiday. Don't listen to people encouraging you to nurse a grievance or 'get back' at your mum. That will only cause a family rift. Look at things from your mum's perspective. She's clearly tried really hard to get on with your dad for the sake of you and your grandchild. Focus on appreciating and loving her for that. Your Dad hasn't replied - he probably feels weird about the request too - just pull the offer and reset things to the way they were before you asked: for everyone's sake, yours, your daughters and your parents.

Staypositivepeople · 19/04/2020 10:34

I had something similar
My mum decided she couldn’t face the in-laws ,so would not be coming to my wedding ,then told me how sad she would be to hear they had been at my wedding and she hadn’t,and wouldn’t it better for me to just have a quiet wedding ,just me and witnesses.
There was a lot more to it than that ,but yeah ended up with just 2 witnesses .
Don’t be manipulated like I was x

Windyatthebeach · 19/04/2020 10:41

I always think of a holiday as a break from everyday life /people..
Not take all the buggars along with you!!

SixyearoldSicknote · 19/04/2020 11:47

Hmmm. I think I would reply something along the lines of :

Ah, never mind. Am sorry you don’t want to come. I have already extended an invitation to Dad that I’m not prepared (and I’m sure you can’t expect me) to rescind. If you change your mind then you are very welcome to join us.

Stonerosie67 · 19/04/2020 12:22

My mum decided she couldn’t face the in-laws ,so would not be coming to my wedding ,then told me how sad she would be to hear they had been at my wedding and she hadn’t,and wouldn’t it better for me to just have a quiet wedding ,just me and witnesses.

Wow, your mum really did a number on you there, didn't she? So your husband wasn't allowed his parents there because your mum said so....really???? And he still married you....

wineandroses1 · 19/04/2020 12:39

staypositivepeople why on earth did you and your DH agree to that? How extraordinary.

Honeyroar · 19/04/2020 13:06

@Staypositivepeople that’s awful. But I think it’s different. It’s easier to put a brave front on for one day at a wedding, where there will be lots of things going on and other people you can sit/mingle with than it is in a small, fractured family group staying together for a holiday. I think your mum was absolutely unreasonable to say no to the wedding, but the OP’s mum wasn’t re the holiday.

bluebeck · 19/04/2020 13:23

On one hand, I cannot think of anything I would enjoy less than a huge family holiday. It makes me feel ill.

However - this leapt out at me - She said she had spoken to him about it before and it would not be his choice to go away with anyone except her, so she wouldn't have come anyway.

I don't understand - are you/she saying that your DM is not willing/able to go on holiday without her DH? I think that is utterly bizarre.

MakeItRain · 19/04/2020 13:37

I think you've tried to arrange something potentially lovely (or not!). Your mum has declined the invite for her own reasons. I would just send a response along the lines of, "that's fine mum, I can understand you wanting to holiday with your DP, let's make sure we meet up soon." Don't get drawn into discussions about her upset or about your dad.
It doesn't matter what other people think about a big family holiday. Your reasons for going along with it come from a place of kindness and wanting people to enjoy themselves. Your mum's refusal is fair enough. The bit you need to ignore is her saying she'll be upset if your dad goes. She needs to deal with that herself, and it's not fair to put that on you.

DuchessOfBeddington · 19/04/2020 13:39

I don’t think it’s bizarre at all. If I only had 1 holiday I would want it to be with my DH. I think many people would feel the same.

altiara · 19/04/2020 13:53

It is a big ask, but then people can just say no, it’s (generally) a lot of money to spend on a holiday that would be awkward.

I’d probably wouldn’t respond to the manipulative part, but say ‘Mum are you saying you’ll never come on holiday with me?’
If that’s true, then why not holiday with dad and in laws together, or if your dad thinks holidaying with the in laws is awkward (Most people find family holidays hard enough without mixing families!), then plan a holiday/weekend away with him for the year after.

absquatulate · 19/04/2020 14:22

As someone with divorced parents I'm laughing at the 'you just want to play happy families' and 'every child wants their parents to be together comments'. Pretty sure most adults have learnt to live with their non-'happy families' (what a weird euphamism for not divorced). Mine are both with other people and I'm happy for them, the idea of wanting things any different now is so bizarre.
I wouldn't ask them to go on holiday together but I trust the OP can judge whether this is an appropriate offer to make for her parents at this stage (as long as there is no negativity if they decline). I think people are missing the flip side with some families, what if you don't offer? What if you upset them by excluding them? What if every important event some grandparent is excluded? Offering the choice for people to sit out or come but yes maybe with some awkwardness is a mature way of dealing with it. You can't double or triple every family occasion with grandchildren so everyone gets the grandparent experience with none of the awkwardness.
Children of divorce have to accommodate their parent's families - splitting Christmases, birthdays, seeing them separately, meeting new partners, having step-siblings but you can't split a grandchild. If you can offer separate meetings between grandchild and divorced grandparents that's great, if you can't and there's a chance the grandparents would rather endure a bit of awkwardness for the sake of spending time with the grandchild then all you can do is offer. If everyone respects everyone's feelings and decisions no matter what and there's no pressure or histrionics it's all you can do sometimes.
OP should be understanding of her Mum, but do what she's gotta do.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/04/2020 14:58

She could have suggested doing something with her partner and your family. She didn’t. She’s made it clear she and her partner won’t ever go away with you. You could reply with how upset that’s made you. Don’t, obviously, she’s being awkward and hurtful but you know that and you’re best avoiding getting any further into it with her.

Having made her feelings clear she has NO right dictating who you holiday with so I hope your dad says yes and you have a lovely time.

Whatever’s going in her relationship is her business.

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