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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is emotionally manipulative

73 replies

Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 09:30

My parents have been divorced since I was a child. They used to refuse to talk, but since i got married and had a child things are much more better and they actually get along. We had Christmas together and have special events together.

My baby is almost one and they are both besotted by her.

I suggested to them both that when all this Covid stuff is over we take a big family trip with my husband's family and them, their partners and my sister. I explained I thought they would say no as it may be awkward, but I thought it was worth asking so they knew they'd be welcome.

Before anyone pipes up with IABU for expecting them to come, I didn't expect them to say yes. I just hoped they would. I would love to go away with them both separately, but I cant afford two trips and I didn't want to choose between them. And this post isnt about me being annoyed that she isn't coming (just to clarify). Being a child of divorce is complicated as a lot of you will know.

My Mum has replied saying that whilst it was a lovely idea it would be awkward (fair enough). She then added that her partner wouldn't want to go away with anyone regardless of who it was. She said she had spoken to him about it before and it would not be his choice to go away with anyone except her, so she wouldn't have come anyway. Fair enough it's his life and his holiday.

She then followed it up to say that she would be upset if we went with everyone else but she would have to deal with it. She then said she would feel less upset if we just went with my husband's family. She mentioned being upset 3 or 4 times in the reply.

My Dad hasn't replied yet, but I feel a bit emotionally manipulated. I feel like she's trying to say if I go with my Dad it will be making her upset, and a way to minimise that upset is to just go with my husband's family.
If my Dad says he would be willing to go with everyone, I now feel that I can't go with him because my Mum would be upset. Even though she is choosing not to come, and even if she wanted to come she wouldn't come because her partner wouldn't come.

I totally understand her reasoning for not coming, and I totally understand it would be upsetting for her to see us all on holiday and her feeling left out. But if i were her l would have left that part out.

Am I wrong for feeling a bit emotionally manipulated into feeling like I now have go say my Dad can't come, irregardless of his response?

OP posts:
DollyDoneMore · 18/04/2020 13:51

Her feeling upset is her choice. She’s prioritising the feelings/choices of her partner over her feeling upset. Fair enough.

You can’t please everyone.

CCaK · 18/04/2020 13:52

Why can't she come without her partner?

Worriedmum54321 · 18/04/2020 13:56

I don't see why you need to feel guilty at all. You sound very considerate of everyone's feelings.
If your Dad wants to go, then go. It would be mean to turn round and say no to him at this stage. You also have to think of your daughter - do you want to deprive her of a holiday with her grandparent just because one of her other grandparents doesn't want to come?
Suggest to your mum that she either comes alone, or that you arrange something separately with or without her partner at a later date. Leave the ball in her court and don't enter into further discussion about the current proposed holiday.

3rdNamechange · 18/04/2020 13:58

I am amicable (ish) with my ex and his wife, but I wouldn't go on holiday with them or my daughter's in laws. Too many people to organise. It's ok saying hello at the house over a cup of tea , but a whole week or more just wouldn't work.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/04/2020 14:30

So she doesnt want to go but doesnt want you to go either as she will be missing out? Very manipulative.

"Ok, I understand. Maybe we can have a day out sometime"

And if she pushes about it just remind her that she was invited and it is her choice to not go.

Dont apologise and dont explain. As a PP said, its you who allows manipulation to work, or not.

Laserbird16 · 18/04/2020 14:54

Don't feel any guilt. She is being manipulative by being 'upset' that you are going on holiday with other people when she won't come.

I've found some interpretation is needed with these statements as often the manipulator will back-track that there has been a misunderstanding when how ridiculous they're being is revealed.

Does she mean upset as in she's disappointed she won't be coming and feels envious your dad and in laws etc will have a lovely time with you?

Or is she honestly expecting you to tell everyone she isn't coming, so now everything is cancelled, she doesn't want anyone to have fun if she's not there, and PS thanks for the invitation but she will never come?

I often just pretend they meant the less nutso version, the nutso version is just exhausting.

SusieOwl4 · 18/04/2020 14:56

I think it was a lovely idea . And it’s not your fault that your mums partner does not want her to go . And if your dad accepts then don’t feel guilty about it. Life is too short .

Iloveacurry · 18/04/2020 15:00

She’s being unreasonable. She’s made a decision that she doesn’t want to go, but she can’t dictate who you go on holiday with.

Windyatthebeach · 18/04/2020 15:02

You could reply you are upset she has put staying home with her dp above going away with her family...

purplewolfie · 18/04/2020 15:06

My parents split up and I would never ask this of them. I think it's a bit odd to be honest. Maybe this is how your mum feels? I think she's just being honest with her feelings. However, that shouldn't stop you from doing what you think is right.

Seeitsortit · 18/04/2020 15:07

I’d call her out on it. Not your fault they divorced, if even now when she has moved on cannot get over it then she needs to work in it, not send out crappy texts like that. Had this with the ex’s mother, refused to play ball with her. She got over it.

SunsetYorks · 18/04/2020 15:44

God Id hate it if my son or daughter asked me that, I can’t think of anything more awkward, holidaying with your ex & partner? I think you have put them in a really awkward position. Holidays are a luxury for some and going away with others requires patience and compromise and is never as relaxing as on your own with your immediate family or partner. I really think you have put them in a horrible position. A get together or day out would be more palatable!

Isadora2007 · 18/04/2020 15:52

As others have suggested you can reply by saying “Thank you for letting me know and I understand you/partners decision”. And leave it at that. I’m certain the fact your grown-ass parents “used to refuse to talk” upset you too at times as a child and teenager- so your mum doesn’t hold the monopoly on being upset by things. But life means you get on with it as best you can and you deserve a holiday or break away with people who want to spend time with you and your child.

Isadora2007 · 18/04/2020 15:55

God Id hate it if my son or daughter asked me that, I can’t think of anything more awkward, holidaying with your ex & partner?

It’s not your son or daughters fault you no longer wish to spend time with their father though- and in creating a life together you joined yours to theirs- in being parents. It’s a real shame when children (of any age even once grown) can’t see their parents together due to their parents feelings...
I like my husbands wife (he clearly has great taste in women) and if my kids (grown up- and we’ve been divorced for 13 years now) wanted us to spend time together id put aside my feelings to prioritise theirs- it’s what good parents often do.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 18/04/2020 15:57

I think it is very selfish of your Mum to say she would be upset if your Dad went on holiday with you. It was very nice of you to invite everyone. She has already turned you down and doesn't get to try and manipulate everyone else.

NamechangeOnceMore · 18/04/2020 15:58

I think this is a really strange idea, sorry. Most people would find it very awkward to go away with their ex and ex's new partner. I'm sure it's not the case, but honestly I think suggesting a family holiday - even with new spouses invited - makes you sound like you haven't accepted that your parents are divorced. I think your mum is displaying appropriate boundaries by saying no to it.

Zombiemum1946 · 18/04/2020 16:03

She's being manipulative. Enjoy your holiday.

WanderingMilly · 18/04/2020 16:11

Honestly, it's manipulative and you know it is. Stop letting it get to you.
You had a good idea and offered it to everyone. Your Mum doesn't want to go and has her reasons.
Fine. Leave it at that, if she feels upset at whoever else goes, that's her problem. You are not responsible for her upset, she is.
If your father wants to go, great, nothing to do with your mum. If he doesn't, fine, they're all grown ups and can choose.
Your mother has a right to her own feelings but no right to foist them onto you, just leave it and enjoy your time with whoever manages to go. Ignore the rest....

SunsetYorks · 18/04/2020 16:23

@Isadora2007 I’d have no issues spending occasions together but a holiday is a whole different thing.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 18/04/2020 20:37

I really feel like some people aren't reading my thread properly....typical Mumsnetters.

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 19/04/2020 08:35

A rather sweeping statement which writes off everyone including the people who have taken the time to respond to your post and offer you advice Confused

MovingBriskyOn · 19/04/2020 09:09

I'm not sure why you think that @Pondlife87? This thread is reading to me that people have read and understood your issue, and PPs are being supportive of you in the main.

Is it just me who wondered if the mum's partner sounded a tad controlling?

Cnoc · 19/04/2020 09:26

I agree with @Tomselleckhaskindeyes. I think you’re asking way too much of both parents in continually expecting them to be around someone they divorced long ago for emotionally-charged situations like Christmas because you like playing happy families.

By asking them on the trip in the first place, whether or not you thought they’d agree, you set up this situation, so you need to deal with the fallout.

CSIblonde · 19/04/2020 09:43

Family holidays are fraught with issues even if there's no divorced parents in the mix. It's a nice fantasy of a lovely family trip to have but in reality yes, your Mum may be upset if your Dad goes, but that was a risk you took.

Valkadin · 19/04/2020 09:43

DH parents still holidayed together because his sister used to push for it and it was always awful. Not much ever kicked off as such but there was an underlying tension. SIL also used to push for everyone to be together at Christmas. By the time FIL died they had been divorced for 27 years. In some respects it was a relief because it meant I never ever have to put up with that weird underlying tension at a time when your supposed to be enjoying yourself.

Plus you have Zero idea what went on between your parents. MIL revealed to me that FIL was so bullying to her that she ended up on anti depressants, took her till after he died for her to tell me that and she still couldn’t tell her own dc.

Personally your Mother is just being honest , what you do with that information is up to you. But asking divorced people to spend prolonged time together is a really unreasonable request in the first instance.

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