to think this is not normal behaviour from DH?

[Yolo89]

I have posted about my DH before and his issues with alcohol.

The lockdown has meant he has had little access to alcohol so that has been good.

However, DH contracts and finished his last contract in December and has not found a new contract. He has had an interview since lockdown and he can do the work remotely, but the jobs are few and far between.

Obviously, this is stressful for DH and all the family. So his days need to be spent looking for jobs on his phone. He doesn't get out of bed until about 9.30 and then gets dressed in trackpants and lies on the bed most of the day doing goodness knows what - I know sometimes he is playing games on his phone, sometimes looking for jobs. He seems to have no get up and go, no motivation. I think he is depressed, but he gets angry if I say this. I get frustrated at this lack of motivation and I feel lying all day on your phone whatever you are doing can't feel good for ones soul. So I get cross with that and all the mess he is happy to ignore. Then he says - if you think I'm depressed, why do you put me down? It is just an impossible situation.

The other day, he was not in a good place, went for his daily walk and bought beers (even though we have an agreement not to go into any shops as feel it is not safe and have food delivered) and then had a beer while I went for a walk and told DD to not tell me. DD hid the other beer he had and told me,. A big argument ensued and then he walked out of the house to wander the streets for hours and drank more beers. I don't know what to do. His mental health is not good, but he blames me and won't try and work on himself. He just likes to blame me for feeling like he has cabin fever and nagging him to clean up. I feel drained from being around someone so unmotivated that won't admit they have a problem.

I feel lying on a bed all day can't make you feel good.

Help. This lockdown is killing me. what do you suggest?

Hi OP, I can empathise with you on this. DH was made redundant in November and has decided there is no point looking for work at the moment as nobody is hiring. He is fit and well and I suggested he look for work in a supermarket until normal life resumes, but that was met with a flat refusal, he too likes to stare at his phone all day and drink in the evenings. (I'm wfh and we have 2 primary aged DC).

Your DH is clearly struggling and I wouldn't have a problem with him going for a walk and getting a few beers, then having one or two in the evening, but I'm not familiar with your other posts about his previous alcohol issues. If he needs to completely stop, then yes, I'd be annoyed.

What I've come to realise with my DH is that it's completely pointless nagging him about his drinking or finding work. I can't make him look for work, so provided he carries on paying his share of the bills out of his savings (which will last a couple of years), then fine. After that, if he's not paying his way and can't be bothered to find a job, I'll be telling him to get the hell out.

What I've come to realise with my DH is that it's completely pointless nagging him about his drinking or finding work. I can't make him look for work, so provided he carries on paying his share of the bills out of his savings (which will last a couple of years), then fine. After that, if he's not paying his way and can't be bothered to find a job, I'll be telling him to get the hell out.

Then tell him this now. So he has a clear idea of what the consequences of not bothering to look for a job will be. You can then leave it there, and it'll be on him if he doesn't look.

Without knowing how much of an issue with alcohol he has it's difficult to say if this is actually a problem - I wouldn't take kindly to someone trying to stop me having a couple of beers! I also think it's probably a bit much to be expecting that he spends all day looking for jobs - they really aren't in high supply at the moment, even at supermarkets. And is there a particular reason why your household is high risk and so he can't go to a shop? Tbh from your post it sounds like a pretty miserable existence for him

" then had a beer while I went for a walk and told DD to not tell me. DD hid the other beer he had and told me,. A big argument ensued"

This is all so unfair on your DD. Being asked to keep secrets, feeling the need to hide the beer, and then presumably hearing the argument that followed when she told you.

I don't know how old she is, but for her sake this has to stop.

If he's managing without alcohol and when he had the opportunity bought "a couple" and only drank one, that doesn't seem too big an issue.

Asking DD not to tell you is poor but OTOH it's unfortunate he didn't want you to know, could he really not have told you he'd had one (or two) beer?

He's in a terrible situation, which would be hard in usually circumstances. I agree all day on the phone probably isn't helpful but I understand why he might have decended to that.

Do you really need to ban all trips to the shop? It would do him good to get out and do something useful.

Maybe you could give him "permission" to halt the job search for now, it must be soul destroying with so little prospect of success.

What is he usually like at home? Released fro the pretence of job searching all day, might he become absorbed by some gardening or DIÝ? A project with DD? Taking a role in home schooling?

OP I think pp have missed the point that you aren't expecting him to spend all day looking for work, but he either looks for work or pulls his weight with childcare, housework etc.
People who are depressed may well try to self medicate with alcohol but it's like pouring petrol on a bonfire. If he can't take responsibility for his actions I would ltb.

His drinking is obviously a way for him to feel a bit better and relaxed, but it's also a depressant so it won't help him in the long run. I expect your DH is feeling angry, resentful, useless and worthless as there is nothing he feels he can do.

I would try a different approach. Instead of saying:
"Are you going to lay on the bed all day? What about tidying up instead of leaving it to me all the time?"

Try:
"I'm finding it hard too. I could really do with your help on tidying up, it would help us both feel better."

The first version is quite accusatory, the last one is empathy and teamwork. They are just examples @Yolo89 and not sure if you've thought about approaching your conversations in this way?

He has problems with alcohol which have caused a hellish existence this past 18 months. He does not need it all the time, but when he has it, it is awful.

We have two primary age children and it just feels very lazy to get up at 10am which he has done today and then be on his phone all day under the guise of looking for work. I don't know what he is doing.

He won't address his problems, he just blames me.

Makeitgo away - he should not be drinking, he does have an issue. He has been hiding beers for a couple of years now. I never had an issue with drinking until it became an issue.

He has had employment issues ongoing for many years now and and he has problems with depression. I am worn down by it all.

The children don't like him homeschooling - he just gets angry. He just wants to be on his phone.

Walks yes but I am doing shopping during the special shopping hours so there is no need to go to our local shops where it is hard to social distance.

It is nicer to say let's do it together - clean etc. He just always feels i a nagging as he can sit around mess, where as I can't. But a good suggestion to change the tone. As said, I am worn down by DH who could literally spend all day sitting on his phone.

I’d have to set time aside when the kids are in bed and just say, you don’t want to argue, but some things need addressing. You can’t move forwards without properly talking about these issues. He needs to know there is a limit to anyone’s tolerances. If he’s depressed, then he needs support, because he has a family and it’s not ok to be involving his own children, in hiding his drinking. If he asked her not to tell, then he knows it’s not drinking for social purposes. It’s to get him through the day. I suspect he would like to drink more than that but knows given the current situation, he can’t. Hence the wandering the streets for hours. Which btw puts you all at risk given the current situation. Your DH can’t help feeling depressed or not having a job...but he can help what he does to try and change both of those things. He needs to take responsibility here, not just switch off. What would he do if you lost your job or were ill?

Jager - drinking has been an issue for 18 months. I have been to hell and back.

The shops - yes there is a reason but I'd rather not say for fear of outing.

He has been in and out of work since 2012. I don't expect him to look for jobs all day but none of his day seems productive. He just got up now.

Is there any point carrying on with him?. Life seems very centred around him doing what he wants.

I'd leave him to his own devices. Live your life as best as you can eith your kids. Dont give him any attention.

It definitely sounds like depression. I'm ashamed to admit this but I was the same, apart from the problem with alcohol.

It's hard but he needs to take responsibility for himself and talk to his GP or have some counselling.

The alcohol adds another dimension though and I'm not sure what to suggest about that, the obvious answer is that he seeks help but as the child of a parent who is very much the same with booze - I realise it's easier said than done.

You're not being unreasonable at all

Myheart - yes, we do need to have a conversation. If I tried to have this conversation with him, he would just get angry. He does not see the damage he is doing. He can't really see outside his own pain at the moment.

He maybe is drinking more when he goes out who knows. He has been hiding beers for a long time now and has admitted there is a problem, though he is not addressing the problem. he says he is not depressed but stressed about jobs. I know this is part of the problem, but he is depressed as this has been the case long before i met him. He took anti-depressants, then went of them, so I told him to go back on them. He is I think now taking them. He thinks me getting cross with him puts him down therefore blaming me. I am just so over someone that will not help themselves.

I am at uni at the moment, so DH getting a job is important. I will look for something over summer. His family helps him financially a bit, though are not interested in the fact he is depressed to the extent they should be. Everytime I reach out for help, DH says I just outscource help, rather than support him myself. I am not enough and I am also living through all of this so not a neutral party.

I am exhausted. Feel very dragged down.

Everytime I reach out for help, DH says I just outscource help, rather than support him myself.

Your DH needs to understand that it's not your job to fix him or the situation he is in. He won't be ready to listen to this though, and I feel he is just lashing out at you because it's easier than him having to face his issues and admit he needs help from others outside immediate family.

Have you explained how you are feeling? Do make sure you get some support for you - maybe GP, Al-Anon www.al-anonuk.org.uk or Mind www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/for-friends-and-family/ ?

You don’t have to stay.

Shawshank - that is totally it. Wow thank you for putting it this way. So true. I can't fix him. He thinks I should be supporting him through all of this, whilst putting up with his appalling behaviour sometimes when he drinks yelling at me and blaming me, as if i am the cause of his feeling down.

Yes he very much knows how I feel and he has been seeing a counsellor. At the moment he can't afford it and it would not be face to face. I funnily work/study in an area which helps people like DH but I am supporting people with family not speaking to them because of their drinking. DH wonders how I can be sympathetic to them and not him. Precisely because I am too close to it. I am not a neutral party. When I get cross about it, he tells me I should be supporting someone who is down, not put them down. Impossible to do sometimes. But then I become the reason he is down or so he says.

He and I have reached out to some of the places you suggest thank you. His parents have thrown some money for counselling but beyond that say he needs to sort himself out. So why is it then my problem?
I cannot fix him. Goodness knows I have tried.I have no idea what to do.

Macncheese - yes for the large part, that is what I try and do at the moment as I have a lot going on that is good. Then comes home a drunk DH or a DH in a bad mood and it is hard to just carry on. Seems a nothing relationship right now. He retreats to the bedroom at every second he can on his phone, doesn't really feel part of the family.

Fluffy - yes well I don't have to stay. I want him to try and get better, There are just so many problems he will not address. I don't know. I really don't. He was the guys all my friends fell in love with when we started dating. He has changed into someone so far from this. Can I get the former person back?

What sort of contracting does he do? I.T. contacting?

It is understandable he can't find a position, but can't you ask him to do some sort of certification to make him more marketable when the lockdown, that would at least give him a reason to get up in the morning.

Shrubbish. Sorry you have suffered from depression. It is tough. He has seen a counsellor and the GP but has gone off antidepressants and says he is not depressed. But he is. He does not realise how much he drags me down. The lack of energy saps me.

I get having a drink with kids, but this is far more. This is leaving work at 4.30pm and going for drinks rather than coming home to your kids, drinking on the train on the way home from work and drinking too much and passing out on a dodgy street, having your backpack stolen and being woken up by a homeless man to then come home and have no idea what happened. Getting drunk and blaming me that everything is all about me, as I look after my life and my DC and get on with things, even if he is not.

I grew up in an environment similar to this, the amount of sadness and resentment I feel as an adult is astonishing. Alcohol destroys lives, it is so sad. I hope he gets help before it damages your children's mental health. My mum would also drink on the streets, would hide alcohol and use anything under the sun to justify her drinking. She still does it 20 years later, she never changed.

tttigress - that is a very good idea. I would rather not say what he does, but yes he could definitely do something that would make him more marketable. Thank you for the thought.

Ilovethe - I am so sorry to hear this. I fear this will just never improve. He has issues he needs to deal with and I really feel for him for what he is dealing with (rather not say) but he just needs to try and deal with them and not self medicate. He does not believe the damage he is doing. He can't see beyond himself. I will not put up with this forever.

Had the most awful fight yesterday. DH does not seem to think he is depressed even though he shows all the signs. He wants to me to stop being so hard on him. I am stuck between trying to motivate him and get him to do things - like homeschool and get off his phone and tidy up the house. He just sees me as not supporting him.

I can't see things getting better if he does not get better. Has anyone lived with a depressed person before and how has it affected your relationship?