to think this is not normal behaviour from DH?

[Yolo89]

I have posted about my DH before and his issues with alcohol.

The lockdown has meant he has had little access to alcohol so that has been good.

However, DH contracts and finished his last contract in December and has not found a new contract. He has had an interview since lockdown and he can do the work remotely, but the jobs are few and far between.

Obviously, this is stressful for DH and all the family. So his days need to be spent looking for jobs on his phone. He doesn't get out of bed until about 9.30 and then gets dressed in trackpants and lies on the bed most of the day doing goodness knows what - I know sometimes he is playing games on his phone, sometimes looking for jobs. He seems to have no get up and go, no motivation. I think he is depressed, but he gets angry if I say this. I get frustrated at this lack of motivation and I feel lying all day on your phone whatever you are doing can't feel good for ones soul. So I get cross with that and all the mess he is happy to ignore. Then he says - if you think I'm depressed, why do you put me down? It is just an impossible situation.

The other day, he was not in a good place, went for his daily walk and bought beers (even though we have an agreement not to go into any shops as feel it is not safe and have food delivered) and then had a beer while I went for a walk and told DD to not tell me. DD hid the other beer he had and told me,. A big argument ensued and then he walked out of the house to wander the streets for hours and drank more beers. I don't know what to do. His mental health is not good, but he blames me and won't try and work on himself. He just likes to blame me for feeling like he has cabin fever and nagging him to clean up. I feel drained from being around someone so unmotivated that won't admit they have a problem.

I feel lying on a bed all day can't make you feel good.

Help. This lockdown is killing me. what do you suggest?

DH tried to homeschool the children today and it went terribly. DD1 was screaming at him, I think as she is very tired. He just is not very good at teaching them or just not arguing with them. So they did a bot of maths, then lego. I was studying this morning and then he left saying he was going for a walk. He went for about two hours. They were having screen time - I didnt want to push it with my oldest DD. I called and asked where he was as he'd been a while and he said he was looking for jobs in the sun. (not sure he is allowed) The came back and just exploded at me. He is saying he had a terrible time with the girls this morning, feels terrible as he does not have a job, and explodes when I suggest going to the Dr, to possibly up his medication. He just keeps yelling that I don't support him. I am drained and he gets angry when I tell him this. Now he is saying he wants to leave for now as he can't handle being in lockdown or this situation. He says he does not blame me but then the only reason he gives as to why he feels like he does is me and the way I treat him. It is not the truth but he can;t see it. I literally can't talk to him at the moment. He is not himself and I can see this. I have told him to please seek help but he is not taking me seriously. What can I do? This has reached crisis point.

Asking your child to to lie to their mother about his drinking and them feeling obliged to hide his drug of choice would be a deal breaker from me. Your child will start showing signs of mental distress if they do not already.

I'm so sorry. I posted that before your last post. That was not a supportive comment. Ask him to go to give you all some space.

I remember your previous thread and posted on it. Once this lockdown is over, it's time to sit down and think about whether you should continue with this relationship. It isn't just the drinking - because even when he isn't drinking, he's 'dry drunk', with all the symptoms of alcohol addiction and associated behaviour, just without the alcohol.

It's clear that he won't help himself, and it isn't your job to fix him. I am so glad this has got through to you.

So what do you want your life to be, and more importantly what do you want your DDs' lives to be? I would strongly suggest a separation at least, and if your H doesn't work hard to change, that should become permanent. I've been where you are now, as you may recall, and it does not end well in most cases.

You just cannot have a relationship with an alcoholic.

He has to leave. You have to seperate. There is no solving any issues with an alcoholic.

Tell him to go. He's not taking any responsibility for himself and he is trying to deflect it to you.

My dad is an alcoholic and he used to ask me to lie. I had to pour it away too and hide it from him. My childhood was horrific and I'm still affected to this day.

It's affecting your children, put them first. Your DH has to want to help himself.

Thanks for all your comments. I really appreciate them. I just feel like in part I have caused him to be like this, as I a constantly on his back to tidy, get out of bed, not drink, not sit on his phone all day. Tonight he says he just feels he cannot relax in the house as I'm on his back all day, but if I just let him be, he would just sit on his phone all day. This is the way he has been for a while, hence my hassling getting worse. You just can't be like this when you have kids. He did not used to be like this, nor did I. My patience wears thin. He just says I am not supportive and if I was, it would make him feel a lot better. But I am stuck - I support him drinking and being lazy. He is looking for a job at the moment and very stressed and is angry homeschooling the children. He seems to blame me and he wants to leave because of me. But it is not me for the most part.It is him. It is unforgiveable what he has done to my child. I am so sad right now and I don;t know what to do. He has nowhere to go and no money to go anywhere. SO we are stuck for now.

I want this all to work but it is out of my control. His parents are no help, should I try them again? Should I call his Dr - I have access to his records.

Olivia - I'm really sorry to hear you have been affecting by alcohol too. It makes my heart break that my children may be affected by this. I am trying to do everything to protect them and I will do everything to stop them being affected by this. He is totally trying to deflect it all onto me - he said some ridiculous things to me before that just made me think he is pulling at straws.

FATE - I hear you. I am so confused as he is confusing my brain with his words of blame.

Pointy - I hear you and remember you from a previous thread. I don't want this life, this is for sure. I am just getting blamed and compared all the time. I actually feel happy and content with myself in general and I'm starting a new a career. I just don;t know how to make my own way in all this. DH said I don't really believe in the 'for richer for poorer' etc and says I just dont support him. I have spent years supporting him as he lost self confidence from lack of employment,. My patience wears thin. He blames me for not supporting his drinking I think.

The thought fox - I agree. Hard to forgive.I am giving my DD all the love I can give them.

I've been there and continue to suffer the fall out as do my children. Unfortunately he won't change whilst he thinks he can stay at home, in this relationship, behaving as badly as he is. You can't fix his life and you can't fix him but you can carve out a new happier existence for you and your children. This is no life for any of you.

I'm sorry Pierce you have gone through similar. What fallout are you suffering now you have left? Did you too feel blamed?

OP, I don’t know the backstory but a few things are clear to me
1- your DH hasn’t worked since 2012? That’s through choice. It doesn’t take years and YEARS to find a job. It just doesn't. He’s not job hunting. He’s totally taking the piss.
2- your primary school aged DD is hiding her dad’s alcohol? That is so incredibly fucked up! She’s far too young to be brought into such unhealthy dynamics. She’s already immersed in a toxic environment.
3- you have to leave with the children or he leaves, this is a dead end relationship. Incredibly damaging. Cut the ties, you are not meant to be together anymore. Honestly, he sounds like a complete and total loser and you sound (probably with good reason) controlling. You’d most likely be SO much happier, both of you and God, get your kids OUT of this shot show! Because they won’t thank you for staying!

And if COURSE he’s going to blame you, why wouldn’t he? He’s obviously not a strong person of character! He’s have to accept he’s a loser. And who cares who’s to blame in the end...does it really matter who “wins”? No one wins. There is no winner here. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is tomorrow. Moving into the future, intact. With your children as little damaged as possible.

@Yolo89 my children are suffering as there is no contact with their dad.

Yes everything was my fault. He was unhappy because of me. He blamed me for never wanting to have sex with him. Hard to want to sleep with someone who constantly wears you down and who doesn't take responsibility for parenting or being a good husband.
There were similar employment problems as well.

Lucky - sorry I have to correct you. He contracts so his work has been on and off since 2012. He is a high earner when working but has had a few periods not sinve 2012..Too many for my liking.

Yolo89 you do know that when he says you are being 'unsupportive', what he means is 'you aren't enabling me', don't you? Supportive to him means letting him do what he wants - picking up all the domestic load both mental and physical, doing all the parenting, letting him drink and doss, running after him worrying about him. It's all about him. That's the addict's way, and when you do anything otherwise, everything is your fault.

You do know what to do. When this lockdown is over, you two need to be over as well.

My partner is like this too, except her has a job and he just not bothering to do anything. He's obsessed with the coronavirus situation in America and states at his phone all day and night in the bedroom or during his daily 6 hour baths.

We have a young DD and a dog. He's just not present in any aspect of our lives anymore what so ever. I'm doing ALL cooking, cleaning, childcare and dog care. Its draining and I'm resentful. We argue about it a lot, but he's not willing to change. I'm doing all this alongside part time work and studying.

Forgot to mention that my DP doesnt have an alcohol problem, he has a cannabis problem.

Pointy - yes he means by letting him relax, is to let him sit on his phone on the bed all day and look for jobs or whatever the hell he is doing. To say nothing of his non-schooling of the children, to say nothing of doing no cleaning. To say nothing about nothing.

Someone commented I sound controlling and probably with good reason. Yes, I have never been controlling and am not a controlling person at all. With children, you need to have a certain amount of control in the house so they do or dont do things or have the house tidy as it becomes a tip. So when DH does not help do any of this, I have to nag/ask whatever you want to call it to get it done. Because I dont feel it is ok for him to get up at 10.00 every morning, let him have the children on screens etc all day, because I want everyone in the family to be doing something useful and tidy a bit before we relax, yes he has a problem. And when this goes on for years, I am a bit worn down by it.

He says the house is not an inviting, warm place to come home to. No, because he has made me feel not warm and loving towards him as he has come home drunk and yelled at me for being so selfish about I dont know what - getting on with my life and trying to be happy myself? For having friends and a social life. It is just outrageous. He has done so many unforgiveable things and he just cannot see it.

Mamayoga - don't you just want to scream??? 6 hour baths - oh goodness that would do me in. When is he smoking? It is just so draining and utterly unfair. I have been trying to do uni from home, a work placement from home, but because it is all unpaid, I dont think DH values it very much. I dont seem to be afforded the same importance as he is, as he is looking for work, or playing games. No idea which.

The mess DH puts up with lack of willingness to do anything drives me around the twist. He literally would sit on his phone all day if he could.

My new strategy to get through this time is just to say nothing and let him do as he wants - give him this freedom he says he wants. He will see that this does not make him better and will give him less ammuition at me. I am not trying to win anything, I want him to get better.

LuckyB - one reason I will say in his defence is that he has a lifelong physical conditon which has affected him greatly mentally. This is the root of much of his issues. But he needs to deal with this, as he is only getting worse. He was definitley far from a loser when I met him, but has always had self-confidence issues due to his condition. His mum also cosseted him because of this, which has really done him no favours.

Honestly op, I'd just ask him to leave. This environment must be unbearable for your poor children.

He's not going to ever get better. Not whilst you 'support' him - ie, look after the kids, pay the bills, do the cleaning, do the thinking, shopping, cooking, everything. Because he doesn't want to get better. And even if he did, the actual odds are that he won't get better. The vast majority of addicts don't.

What he wants is you (and the children) to shut the fuck up and leave him alone with his alcohol where he is happiest.

That's why he's using such pathetic, whining arguments as 'what about your wedding vows?' Notice he doesn't apply them to himself. He's certainly not forsaking his mistress for you - the alcohol. He's not loving, honouring or comforting you. (by the way, if you didn't get married in Church, the stuff about in sickness and in health doesn't even form part of the vows, so he can fuck right off with that).

You don't make him drink. He chooses to drink and blame it on you and your children.

Yolo89 is your new strategy for the lockdown period only? I do hope so, because it isn't a sustainable basis for a long term future. Your OH needs to address the roots of his addiction, you know that.

And oh how I recognise my own OH in yours... I was never allowed to mention his drinking, because that was 'rubbing his nose in it'. I still remember the day I told him I had a right to express how I felt about the situation and he was not allowed to guilt trip me into keeping silent - the look on his face...

My new strategy to get through this time is just to say nothing and let him do as he wants - give him this freedom he says he wants.

I'd do the same.

Have the mindset that you are preparing for when he leaves. You'll then be a single parent. Given his situation, you'll likely have full custody of the children. You'll need to do your uni work and work placements without his help, likewise all childcare and cleaning.

It is pants that you are currently a couple and he's doing nothing to help.

When this is over and you throw him out (which you must) you'll need to be in the mindset of being fully self sufficient anyway.

Get yourself in that mindset now. Expect nothing apart from financial support . Expect no physical or emotional support whatsoever.

Disengage from him now, it will help you cope better in the long run.