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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Third baby dilemma

51 replies

MeMeMy · 17/04/2020 08:56

I have two young children and a good relationship with DH. I am very broody and ready for the next baby, but we have made plans to move abroad in the next few years and DH keeps saying stuff like "it would be the worst thing if you got pregnant now" - quickly followed by "I think we should have a happy accident" with the next baby. Financially, it would not be great - but I'm convinced we would make it work and figure things out.

We are not using protection as I have mentioned to him I don't want to go on contraception, and he doesn't seem motivated enough to source condoms.

So my question is: AIBU to keep having sex with him with the hopes of getting pregnant?

He would NOT be keen on actively trying - but is also clearly pining for a next baby as he is repeatedly asking our other two if they would like a new sibling. He doesn't need much convincing to "do the deed" so it's not as though I'm twisting his arm - and in my mind, he is choosing to have sex with me without protection, and has to accept responsibility that it may lead to a baby. AIBU?

OP posts:
MarginalGain · 17/04/2020 09:00

Well, he's an idiot for having unprotected sex with you given that you. obviously want a baby and he doesn't.

But I don't think your hands would be clean in this arrangement either.

We have a horrible 2 years ahead, why would you want this complication? Just why?

LouiseTrees · 17/04/2020 09:01

If he’s too lazy to use a condom then he is being unreasonable not expecting it to potentially lead to a baby but to save any heartache you should say to him that you’ve noticed he says that he doesn’t want a baby right now yet he’s not using protection and that if you got pregnant you would want him to be clear that you would be keeping that baby. That way he knows and there’s no resentment.

EatDessertFirst · 17/04/2020 09:04

You are actively trying as neither of you are using contraception.

Its an awful way to potentially bring another child into the world, especially one that you admit may be a strain on finances.
Perhaps an actual discussion about a third child rather than just random comments are in order. This is a human life you are talking about, not a puppy.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2020 09:04

I’d buy some contraception yourself. All this game playing seems very childish to me.

The next few years are going to be tough, why add to that pressure. No one yet also knows the health implications during pregnancy of the virus or lasting effects it may have.

GreenTulips · 17/04/2020 09:06

Or job security or housing
I wouldn’t want to be involved in any medical appointments at the moment

WhatTiggersDoBest · 17/04/2020 09:09

YANBU to want a third child and unless you usually get struck down by hyperemesis, pre-eclampsia or some other complication, it isn't worth worrying about where you'll be when you have the baby. As long as you put a few grand aside for the antenatal care and delivery, they have fantastic maternity services in most countries. I got pregnant in China in late 2018 and the care was great (although it was 2 hours to the nearest hospital with a translator). We knew we would be moving back to Europe around the time the baby was due so I flew to our next destination the last week I could go on a plane. Baby was born in Ireland last summer. There's never a perfect time to have another baby. It sounds mostly like he wants one but that he also worries about whether you'll both cope, but he's clearly throwing caution to the wind.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 17/04/2020 09:09

If you can't even openly agree or disagree on having the third, you should not be having the third.Hmm
When will people start thinking rationally about children? "Financially, it would not be great - but I'm convinced we would make it work and figure things out." Why would you actively put yourself and your children into bad financial situation?

OuterMongolia · 17/04/2020 09:10

Either he's a complete idiot or he does want a baby really.

RandomSelection · 17/04/2020 09:13

If you are having sex without contraception you ARE actively trying, why pretend otherwise? Maybe it's just me, but if I already had two children, there would be no way on earth I'd be trying for another!! (People who don't have children and are TTC are obviously different). What happens if this continues long term and whoever is the bread winner in your household loses their job? You've already said it would be a financial burden, why would you take on the added risk in these such uncertain times?

Umnoway · 17/04/2020 09:16

You are TTC if you willingly don’t use contraception every time you have sex, daft to pretend otherwise really. If he doesn’t want a baby he should wrap his dick, he can’t complain if you get pregnant now.

TheWooisStrong · 17/04/2020 09:17

I’ve seen economists talking about how we are approaching another depression. With that and health/virus issues you should sit down and have a serious conversation with your partner. If you are going to have another baby make sure you have considered everything.

DesignedForLife · 17/04/2020 09:19

You are trying, stop kidding yourselves that you’re not. If you get pregnant now whilst both refusing to use contraception it was a deliberate decision.

We could be in for another two years of dealing with this virus. Great wages now won’t help you if we have a massive recession and food prices skyrocket. Wait till this blows over then “happy accident” away.

LividLaughLovely · 17/04/2020 09:20

If you are having sex without contraception you are actively trying.

You don’t have to say the magic words in order to get pregnant, you know.

Ragwort · 17/04/2020 09:23

I can’t believe anyone (particularly someone with two children already) would be even thinking about having a baby in the current situation.

And honestly, how realistic are your plans to ‘move abroad’ in the next few years ... you both sound ridiculously naive.

thecatsthecats · 17/04/2020 09:29

When will people start thinking rationally about children? "Financially, it would not be great - but I'm convinced we would make it work and figure things out." Why would you actively put yourself and your children into bad financial situation?

This. Don't you owe it to your living, breathing children not to be this ridiculously careless with how you make this decision?

I don't get how you can want another baby when you don't seem to be considering the existing ones enough to manage a simple, adult conversation with their father about adding an extra child to the family.

Ginntoniconpause · 17/04/2020 09:30

Have you had an open and honest conversation with him? Have you said "we're not using contraception, there's a high chance I will fall pregnant. Do you want to try for a baby now or is it better we wait?" It sounds as though you're trying to unpick the indirect comments he is making instead of being upfront.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/04/2020 09:31

he doesn't seem motivated enough to source condoms

You know you can buy them, right? I wouldn’t get pregnant now. It’s a bad time to have ante-natal check ups (or visit hospital if something went wrong) and it would be better to give birth without a pandemic around!

Get the condoms and put the idea on hold for now. Reassess when we have a vaccine and things are more normal.

RebeccaCloud9 · 17/04/2020 09:34

Sounds like you actually both want a baby and are actively trying, just almost pretending not to because on paper, it's not a great idea.

motherheroic · 17/04/2020 09:41

Pandemic going on, you've said it will be a strain financially (which will be much worse if your husband finds himself unemployed or ill) AND you're planning to move abroad in the near future?

This is extremely childish from both of you.

MouthBreathingRage · 17/04/2020 09:41

@MeMeMy, I think you need to have a proper conversation about this, rather that assuming what the other is thinking. He needs to say categorically yes or no to another baby. If it's no then realistically if you 'accidentally' got pregnant it will cause a whole lot of problems and even resentment (yes, even if he was stupid enough not to have protection even if he knew you weren't on it). Is it really worth the disruption to your family?

We're in a similar situation, but reversed. I was actually pregnant with our third before this all got very bad, but sadly miscarried. I've taken it as a bit of a reprieve. With everything going on, we may not be able to extend our current small home as planned, or even move to comfortably fit a bigger family. Husband wants to try again asap. So I was proactive and got my contraceptive pill, covers us for now but simple to stop if things get better.

Oh, and don't say 'source' condoms. They're not some hard to find commodity that needs to be hunted down. He needs to go to Tesco and buy them like a normal adult.

Miraclescometrue · 17/04/2020 09:42

I don’t think now is the right time for a happy accident.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 17/04/2020 09:45

happy accident
There is nothing happy about strained finances nor is it an accident when actively having unprotected sex...

Daftodil · 17/04/2020 09:51

Are you married to a teenager?! He wants sex, but if a baby comes along he wants it to be your "fault" and he can hold his hands up and say "this is on you! I told you I didn't want another one".

Are you a teenager?! "I want a baby but don't want to plan properly for one & havent fully examined the consequences on my DH, our plans, our finances, or our other children".

You are both adults. Stop acting like children, have a full conversation, decide what you want and act accordingly. You are potentially creating a person, who deserves to be wanted by both parents and not blamed or resented for cancelled travel plans. You are both being incredibly unreasonable.

MsChatterbox · 17/04/2020 09:51

I agree with @LouiseTrees. Have the convo with him. Make it clear to him there's a chance you will fall pregnant if you carry on as you are and you will be happy about this.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 17/04/2020 09:53

Confused I genuinely don't understand this.

There is a virus that has made almost the entire population housebound. The world economy is fucked. By the sounds of it, your finances aren't great, and your dh has said he doesn't want anymore DC.

Have I missed something???

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