Third baby dilemma

[MeMeMy]

I have two young children and a good relationship with DH. I am very broody and ready for the next baby, but we have made plans to move abroad in the next few years and DH keeps saying stuff like "it would be the worst thing if you got pregnant now" - quickly followed by "I think we should have a happy accident" with the next baby. Financially, it would not be great - but I'm convinced we would make it work and figure things out.

We are not using protection as I have mentioned to him I don't want to go on contraception, and he doesn't seem motivated enough to source condoms.

So my question is: AIBU to keep having sex with him with the hopes of getting pregnant?

He would NOT be keen on actively trying - but is also clearly pining for a next baby as he is repeatedly asking our other two if they would like a new sibling. He doesn't need much convincing to "do the deed" so it's not as though I'm twisting his arm - and in my mind, he is choosing to have sex with me without protection, and has to accept responsibility that it may lead to a baby. AIBU?

You would risk getting pregnant when you're moving abroad, your husband doesn't want another child and the whole world is suffering from a pandemic? You are extremely irresponsible.

It sounds like you both want another baby, but rationally feel (to differing degrees) that it isn’t a good time.
In my opinion, you just need to be straight with him and have a proper conversation about it so there’s no resentment later on.

FFS, can't the pair of you just talk to each other like grown ups? He's making coy little references to a "happy accident" but then saying it would be the "worst thing" if you got pregnant...surely the normal, adult response to this would be to point out this inconsistency to him and ask him outright whether he actually wants a baby or not instead of playing guessing games. Your approach to contraception (or lack of) is equally daft. Instead of having a proper conversation about family planning and coming to a shared decision, neither of you is doing anything! So you're crossing your fingers and hoping that your being too lazy to procure condoms means he secretly does want a baby and will be thrilled if it happens. Just talk to each other!!

your DH being too lazy to procure condoms, sorry!

You both sound incredibly immature. Grow up and either decide that you want an baby (and work out how you will manage with another one) or use some bloody contraception.

The pair of you are ridiculous. I realise that that's very rude, but you're supposed to be adults, parents of small children. You need to have an actual conversation about this, not this weird game-playing mind-reading nonsense.

It sounds like he is broody too, but whereas you are opting to be in denial on the impact of another baby on the family, he has times when his head is telling him it's wrong.

He therefore copes with the dilemma of whether to listen to his heart or head by 'leaving it to nature to decide', which is stupid because nature doesn't consider people's financial circumstances when deciding who gets pregnant.

You really need to have a serious talk about this. Either you come up with a plan that means that you can afford this baby, by making some sacrifices that won't be too restrictive or you accept that you can't afford another one.

There are millions of women on this planet who feel broody but listen to their heads instead of their heart because they know that having another baby is not the right decision.

Actually having a giggle at all the rude, snarky and weirdly hostile responses. Thank you.

What I did NOT ask was your opinion about whether or not now is the right time for a baby. I also did not say that DH does not want another child; he does. We both very much want a third child. It's just the 'when' that is a question mark in our minds.

This was meant as a fairly light-hearted question. Thanks again for your opinions.

but I'm convinced we would make it work and figure things out
What do you think you'll come up with that you haven't come up with yet?

Or is this what you are saying to justify your decision to go for another baby and deep inside, you really have no idea how you can make it work so that you are not putting yourself in financial hardship.

My neighbour has three kids in a small too bed house. 'We'll figure it out is exactly what she said when she was talking about a 3rd baby. That baby is now 7yo, the eldest 13 and they are cramped in that small house. Of course, she now constantly moans about not being rehoused by the LA and how outrageous it is there are no homes for families like them. She never really figured out how to make it work, but is now shifting that responsibility on others.

You asked if AIBU to be trying for a baby knowing that he is not totally sure that's what he wants.

Yes you are, especially if you are not financially in a good position to consider it.

I like how when threads don't go how OPs hoped they throw in that it was light-hearted😂

Nothing light-hearted about actively trying to bring a child into a world without properly thinking it through...

People don't tell you what you want to hear so you say everyone responding is rude? How is bringing a child into the world light hearted? You really shouldn't be having a third child at all.

I have mentioned to him I dont want to use contraception

Mentioned you don't want to and stating you are not using contraception may not be the same.

Be clear to DH you are not on contraception, so condoms or risk of pregnancy are the options. Musing about happy accidents is not the way to make this decision.

What I did NOT ask was your opinion about whether or not now is the right time for a baby. I also did not say that DH does not want another child; he does. We both very much want a third child. It's just the 'when' that is a question mark in our minds.

Ok, taking that at 'lighthearted' face value... You're both being irresponsible, but him not choosing to wear a condom doesn't free you of the option of not having sex with him until he did.

The outcome of this discussion is potentially a child, and an impact on the existing children.

Remind me which part of that is lighthearted?

Its lighthearted
Yeah.... My partner and I don’t know if we can afford another child but we’re not using contraception but we’re not trying. LOLZ.
Seriously...Are you 12?

So my question is: AIBU to keep having sex with him with the hopes of getting pregnant?

This was your question. I suppose the answer would be you would be unreasonable if you've not explored all of the possibilities and each other's feelings. You said your DH would not be keen on actively trying for a baby so I would say it would be unreasonable for you to intend to get intentionally pregnant if you've not had these conversations.

I'm pregnant right now, it's tough going in the lockdown but we're managing. However, prior to trying to conceive we spoke about the financial impact of my maternity leave, having another child in childcare when I go back to work, the impact on other children, whether it would be better to wait etc. We agreed to try so that the baby would be born after my daughter receives her 30 hours free childcare to relieve some financial pressure. Have you had these conversations? I think that's the bit that posters are unclear about.

I have three kids (planned) - it's hard work. I underestimated how much harder a third child would make things! Financially, emotionally and practically. If you're not both on the same page about really, really wanting a third baby it would be massively harder. It seems by not committing to 'trying' yet not stopping it, he's getting to keep a "but I never wanted another baby now anyway" card up his sleeve which he can pull out when needed!

Eh? Your dilemma is "when to have a baby?". You asked AIBU "AIBU to be trying to have a baby when my DH says he doesn't want one right now?", but you weren't asking us whether now is the right time to have a baby or not?

OK-dokey then!

Some people are never happy with what they have, are they? I have noticed 3 is much more work than 2. Space in the car, doing after school activities and every single logistic you can think of, never mind the expense. Stick with what you have and enjoy them. More money to go round and more for your existing DC.

This is exactly how I ended up pregnant with our third. My OH knew I wanted another, he knew I wasn’t on any contraception and he refused to wear condoms. Of course I eventually got pregnant. He was devastated actually and he still isn’t over it now 3 years later. The third completely changed our lives when we were just getting sorted with the first two. I am over the moon, my third DC is what I always wanted but I would absolutely discuss this with your OH properly to avoid any resentment. My husband still ‘blames’ me for the pregnancy which is ridiculous.

DH keeps saying stuff like "it would be the worst thing if you got pregnant now"

...

I also did not say that DH does not want another child

You're right, OP. Its obviously something we've collectively misunderstood. I see now you are both completely reasonable in this situation and all other mumsnetters replying to your post are the unreasonable ones. Apologies.

You can't really ignore the current situation of coronavirus, potentially moving abroad, and whether or not it's a good idea to get pregnant on purpose now. It's like posting a thread saying AIBU that your physically violent DH is texting another woman.

This weird pass-agg dance of both avoiding contraception in order to have an "accident" is silly. Sit him down and say that there's a 20% chance you might conceive each month so is he happy with that or not?

We have a larger family but I have always sat down first and worked out affodabily. Dh and me both been in agreement. Biggest financially consideration with our last child was buying a house and doing a massive extension so affordability was in the region of the price of a house. Kids arent cheap and the long term costs are huge.

@MeMeMy, wanting a third child and the reality of it are two different things though. I'm trying not to be as harsh as other posters, but the practicalities of the situation really seems to be going over your head. I'm not talking about the pandemic - people are going to have children in the next two years regardless of the social situation. What you really need to focus on is can you really provide long term for another child without impacting hugely on the two you have, and will both parents be 100% on board with it.

It's idiotic to have a child when you can 'just about afford it', what if your finances change? Mortgage rates shoot up etc could all leave you paying significantly more than you currently are. Don't shortchange your current kids by having a sibling that could financially affect them. Is it really fair for your kids to live a life of 'oh sorry we can't afford that because I wanted a third'. I was the child that my parents couldn't really afford. Trust me, it's shit!

You dp has said he's not convinced it's bad timing, what if you DO get pregnant and he says he doesn't want the 3rd, he can easily walk away. Will he genuinely be invested in a child that he didn't really want. It's also a horrible thing to do to a potential child, its deceitful and can easily backfire on you.

I get the broodyness , but maybe put a timeline on things so wait till Xmas and see what state the world is in then and then make your choice. You may find your dp has come round to the idea, you may realise that it's still not a good time to introduce another child.