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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely gutted about derailment of secondary school dc’s education

83 replies

sunshineanddaffodils · 16/04/2020 11:08

I know why we’ve shut schools and I know it’s a necessity and the right thing to do. But I am selfishly so upset. Both at great schools that they’re happy at, lovely friends etc. DS is year 10 so GCSEs next year. On track for good grades, always done well, good friendship group. DD year 8 loves her friends, loves all the fun things her school does outside of lessons as well as enjoying lessons. I’ve not had to worry about them at all regarding school and just always been really happy for them both. Now I worry they’ll never get back to where they were and am feeling very sad about it today.
Just read this and I know I’m being incredibly self indulgent.

OP posts:
TheZeppo · 16/04/2020 11:15

Not self-indulgent, just being a lovely mum!

I’m a secondary school teacher and, if it helps, not overly worried. Kids are very resilient and have the ability to surprise!

If anything, I think it will make them grateful when they go back. For a tiny bit 😂

And I fully intend to use the ‘Come on! We’ve lost enough time, let’s crack on!’ to my full behaviour management advantage!Grin

LaPoesieEstDansLaRue · 16/04/2020 11:15

YABU. They'll only be off school for a few months maximum out of 14+ years of education. There's no reason whatsoever why they won't be able to get back on track. Surely their health, physical and mental, is the most important thing?

MarieQueenofScots · 16/04/2020 11:17

Of course YANBU to be upset.

It is such a massive change for them.

My philosophy though is Year 8 is the "best" year it could have happened to them with, IMO, the least impact! My DD is also year 8 and she's doing lots of FaceTime with her friends.

PerplexingWords · 16/04/2020 11:20

You care, and that is why in the end they will be ok. This is a massive shared experience, and those with family support for their education will bounce back relatively quickly.

nibdedibble · 16/04/2020 11:20

I know what you mean, OP. It’s ridiculous that it matters so much. One of my kids is losing out (he had some catching up to do for exams, now moot) and I’m really worrying about his future. The best I can imagine for him is repeating this year but nobody in education seems to be putting that forward. I worry about this year’s exam kids so much, they’re taking the first or second steps that potentially decide their future paths. I wish it weren’t like that but that’s the system we’ve got.

ShanghaiDiva · 16/04/2020 11:23

Kids are amazingly resilient and ime much better at adapting to changing circumstances. My dd has had online learning for over two months now and it’s going pretty well. She has even managed to complete several subject tests (we are on a 7 hour time difference from school) and it all takes less time than being at physical school.

corythatwas · 16/04/2020 11:27

In the kindest sense of the word, YABU. Growing up isn't just about achieving point x on an educational scale: it's about developing resilience, learning to trust yourself as a person who can cope when the going gets tough. Your dc aren't going to have a charmed life, difficult things will happen to them and they will have to meet them as adults, away from your protection. Knowing that "I have already been through tough times, I did my best to cope, and I got through" is an enormous strength.

I am a university teacher, and believe me, university comes tough for a lot of students. Some because they already have significant physical or mental health problems, but many because they have never had to struggle before, they have never felt themselves deep in shit and had to keep going, they think they have a duty to live a charmed life where everything pans out perfectly, and when it doesn't they think they are unworthy.

This as far as your dc are concerned is likely to be a temporary disruption. There may be grieving but (fingers crossed!) they will be able to return to their education and pick up almost where they left off. Yes, it is tough but as their mum you trust them to get through the tough times and cope. Let them know that.

Letseatgrandma · 16/04/2020 11:30

They’ve only missed ten days of school and will in all likelihood go back in the next coupe do months. It’s shit, yes-but there isn’t really any need to think they will ‘never get back to where they were’.

Letseatgrandma · 16/04/2020 11:30

Couple of months

foamrolling · 16/04/2020 11:37

My kids are the same age and doing well in school. Honestly, I'm not too concerned at this point. We don't know yet how much they will actually miss out on. We don't know yet what plans will be put in place for the kids in year 10. There's no point catastrophising. There's every chance they'll be ok.

SlothMama · 16/04/2020 11:45

So are you and every other parent...

BabyDues00n88 · 16/04/2020 11:50

Plenty of school holidays

NailsNeedDoing · 16/04/2020 11:57

Yanbu.

I’m sad that my Y13 dc won’t get to do a levels, or have the results day that they’ve watched older ones do every year since they’ve been at secondary school, or have any of the end of exams/ end of school celebrations and the summer that should follow. They’ll move on to university (hopefully) and that time will be gone forever.

Of course they’ll be fine, and they’re all in it together, and it’s ridiculously trivial in comparison to what is happening to others, but I’m still sad about it.

Rosebel · 16/04/2020 12:04

I think most parents are feeling the same. My youngest is in Y7 so not too worried about her missing school and she'll struggle more with going back.
Eldest is in Y9 and she is clever but lazy and fear she'll have fallen behind by the time they go back. She may well catch up but wish she wasn't going in to Y10 without finishing Y9.

cricketballs3 · 16/04/2020 12:06

On a brighter note as a secondary teacher I can't wait to use the line "look what happened to the 2020 class" if they are not working to their potential in yrs 10-12 Grin

ChicChicChicChiclana · 16/04/2020 12:08

Yanbu. We are all upset for our children. My son and everyone in his school year all across the country has had his GCSEs cancelled!! But actually the students I feel most sorry for are those in current year 13 and University finals years. They have had the worst experience out of all pupils/students imo.

The whole situation is absolutely awful for absolutely everyone. Yanbu to be gutted at all.

gamerchick · 16/04/2020 12:13

All of the kids are in the same boat. Kids catch up.

It's fine to feel sad about it but their lives are more important atm.

MamaGee09 · 16/04/2020 12:13

I felt a bit like that at the beginning but there is nothing we can do, we are in the middle of a pandemic and health comes before everything, one of my child’s teachers -high school- said that when school returns she won’t be focusing on grades and catching up on missed work she will be working on repairing friendships and encouraging positive mental health as she knows some children will be suffering,

Awaiting results for exams that haven’t been sat will be stressful and I know my dd is worried but every child awaiting exam results are in the same boat.

YogaFaker · 16/04/2020 12:19

YABU, I'm afraid.

They will get back on track. If they're both good students and genuinely enjoy learning - for its own sake as much as for the grades treadmill - they will be alright in the end.

The education system in this country (UK) is such a relentless treadmill. I see the effects on young people when they arrive at university - the normal stress of hard work & learning & doing difficult things pathologized into 'anxiety' the stress of achieving becoming a soul-destroying fear of failing.

Can you & your DC discuss a different strategy - Look upon this time as an opportunity for them to find out what they're really interested in, and what they are prepared to sacrifice, spend time doing, and working through difficult stuff?

Allington · 16/04/2020 12:21

I don't understand why they 'won't get back to where they were'?

Schools will reopen, those on track for good grades will still be on track for good grades, friendship groups will still exist, school activities will pick up again. The 'great schools' will still be great schools.

If this had been their last year, and the school closure meant they didn't get the chance to say goodbye properly (as happened to a friend's DD), then I can see that they would have 'lost' something. But otherwise this is a (relatively brief) interruption.

YogaFaker · 16/04/2020 12:22

Growing up isn't just about achieving point x on an educational scale: it's about developing resilience, learning to trust yourself as a person who can cope when the going gets tough. Your dc aren't going to have a charmed life, difficult things will happen to them and they will have to meet them as adults, away from your protection. Knowing that "I have already been through tough times, I did my best to cope, and I got through" is an enormous strength

Everything that @corythatwas says. So wise - I completely endorse her advice. Your children will be fine. They have their whole lives to learn.

boredboredboredboredbored · 16/04/2020 12:22

I do know what you mean as mine are years 10 and 11 so crap for both of them. I just keep trying to remember that they are both healthy and happy enough being at home and that right now is the most important thing. Im out at work as a nurse and seeing Covid close up honestly health overrules education right now.

Every other child in the country is in the same boat and schools will recognise this.

worldsworststepfordwife · 16/04/2020 12:31

I’m with you op I’m no tiger mum but I was dragged up leading me to be determined to do the right thing by my own, dd would have done so well but now (understandably not having a go) there’ll not be a full quota of staff (absence is unreal normally) and there’s alway a possibility of multiple lockdown

I see this so negatively I’d love for your quotes to make me feel better about it all , I’d like to think I’d be receptive to something that makes me look at the situation more positively but they don’t, I think it may be because I’ve never been happy with so many things about the school but kids have been happy so haven’t rocked the boat but i have absolutely no faith in the school that they’ll manage this well

BrieAndChilli · 16/04/2020 12:31

I think that because it’s the whole country, and actually a huge proportion of the WHOLE world that are in lockdown it shouldn’t have too much of a detriment effect on most kids as everyone will have the same disadvantage apart from the exam years of GCSEs and A levels.
My oldest 2 are year 7 and year 8 and I’m glad it’s these years really. They aren’t old enough yet to be into hanging around with friends so are happy just face timing/playing games and chatting over the internet.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 16/04/2020 12:32

My daughter is in her final year at uni - this really is shit for them. In this whole year she's had ten weeks of tuition - strikes before Christmas, then strikes this year running into this. In 2020 she had lectures between mid January and mid February. That's it. They are now all trying to complete their degrees with no support, no libraries, no facilities. This is the culmination of all of those years of work. They won't get a chance to catch up. Plus graduation is cancelled, summer ball.is cancelled, no saying goodbye to friends that they've been with for three years. I really feel for them all.