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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend issues

80 replies

Rosalie49 · 14/04/2020 23:33

I’ve got this friend who I’ve been friend with now for about 7 years. We lost contact for about 4 years and we’ve very recently just got in contact again. We’ve been texting but not regularly and we haven’t met up or anything.

Anyway, she randomly text me tonight and asked if she could borrow £40 since she has a direct debit she needs to cover. She said her mum can help her but not until Friday and it will be too late by then. I’ve lent her money many years ago and whilst she did pay me back, it took a while for me to get it and I had to ask for it a couple of times too.

I am in a position where I can afford to lend her £40 but I can’t help but feel it’s a bit rude of her to ask. For one, I’ve just had a baby (5 weeks ago) and to be honest, that’s the only reason we made contact with each other again as she text me to congratulate me and we started talking from that and two, we haven’t spoke in years.

But at the same time I can’t help but think, is that not what friends are for? To help you when you need help?

I don’t know what to do.

Also, I want to add that personally, I would never ask a friend for money. I’d ask family. She had a very large family (4 siblings) and I can’t help but wonder why none of those are willing to help? They are all very close with each other too.

What do you all think?

OP posts:
Penners99 · 15/04/2020 08:13

No, no and thrice no!

BananaPlant · 15/04/2020 08:19

No, don’t do it. Just say you haven’t got any spare money now you’ve had a baby or something.

JudyCoolibar · 15/04/2020 08:21

It’s very strange that she has asked me of all people.

It's pretty obvious, isn't it? She's exhausted all the other people she might have asked, and/or already owes money to them that she hasn't repaid.

seltaeb · 15/04/2020 08:21

Maternity leave is never a time to be lending money to anyone. Say no.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 15/04/2020 08:21

history of debt and you helped her out in the past, all was fine, and she disappeared for four years.
You don't say who initiated 'getting back in touch'?

If you'd be seriously annoyed if you "lent" it to her and didn't get it back, I think you'd be better off saying "no".

MsFrosty · 15/04/2020 08:24

It's not worth the hassle

expat101 · 15/04/2020 08:25

Please don't. Unless you have a bank name on your social media account, you are not to be considered as one.

We have gone through this regularly with someone who is a good worker, when he turns up.

I cannot tell you the amount of times he says he is going to turn up, but the car is out of petrol. Most recently, he sent a photo of his finger pointing at a broken window saying he caused it, could we advance him X amount to cover the difference in repair costs from what ''he had'' to the quote. Never saw him again for work. Already owes us a substantial amount for car repairs which now apparently doesn't belong to him either...

I think folk like this tap into people on a rotating basis. I'm sure your friend has already maxed out her credit with family and closer friends.

Enough4me · 15/04/2020 08:28

She knows you're a single parent with young baby on maternity leave, so she won't be surprised when you say no. In future reply "sorry I can't" straight away. It's less awkward and she can go back to her family.

Wannabangbang · 15/04/2020 08:30

See this more than a gift giving than a lending situation as i doubt you will get this money back and i would be reluctant to lend it based on the fact she's recently just got in contact.
I personally would see it as rude if an old friend got in touch again only to ask for cash.

Congratulations on your new baby op Flowers

Zombiemum1946 · 15/04/2020 08:37

Think, why did you lose touch in the first place ? How close were you ? Was there any cause for concern at the time ? If you feel uncomfortable, I would say no.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/04/2020 08:38

Jesus NO
Just no

Not because of the money but the sheer gall of her

CanICelebrate · 15/04/2020 08:52

I would lend it to her personally as I think that’s something friends can do occasionally. She may be in financial trouble this month and may incur fines for the direct debit if it fails.

If you can afford it and if she asked nicely then it’s a kind thing to do. If she doesn’t pay back or asks again then that’s a different situation. I am trying to be as kind and helpful as possible especially at the moment!

AJPTaylor · 15/04/2020 08:52

Bollocks to that.

DesparadoNewlywed · 15/04/2020 08:59

I hate it when people ask me for money...primarily because I live within my means and especially when they have actual family members whom they can ask for this money not me. Simple answer - NO don't do it. When you lend money, you either lose the money or gain an enemy. Good luck

Serenity45 · 15/04/2020 09:05

It would be a no from me OP and I have lent people money in the past. I think her reaction if you say no will be quite telling too, in terms of your friendship. And congratulations on your baby!

Frankola · 15/04/2020 09:10

No!

Original poster
Rosalie49 · 15/04/2020 09:12

Just an update - I have told her no. I just explained things are tight due to me being on maternity leave. She has also responded saying “it’s fine, she’s sorted it now” Hmm she only messaged last night asking for the money, she’s managed to cover it quite quickly - I wonder who she asked? Not my business or problem anyway.

I do feel bad to a certain extent but I also know if I was ever in a situation where I needed money, I’d turn to family, never friends and as others have pointed out, why didn’t she ask family members first? Why have they not helped her out? Is she in debt with them already? Who knows! Again, not my business or problem.

We’ll see if she stays in contact now.

Someone asked earlier who made the first contact after 4 years - it was her. She text me when she heard I was pregnant, so I believe it was genuine of her but who knows.

Also, whilst yes I could afford the £40 now, I’m still getting full pay by my employer so when that drops very soon, I probably will need every penny.

Thank you everyoneSmile

OP posts:
TrulyOutrageousJem · 15/04/2020 09:20

I think it was a Judge Judy episode many years ago where she gave this advice.

"if you can afford to give the money, give it with no intention of getting it back but ask them not to ask you again. If you don't have it to give, don't lend it".

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/04/2020 09:23

She will have asked loads of people. Or already owe a lot of ppl.

My kids dad does this. Can't organise himself, begging for 20 here and there saying he's no petrol to get to work. Then no mention of it on payday (although can go out and get pissed buy clothes etc)
I have to ask for it back. To be given a sob story about how he will try to sort it for me. Like he's doing me a favour by giving me the 30 back that he borrowed and I have had to ask for back!?! Wtf. I know he does it to his 2 friends too. Pathetic and making me lose and respect I had for him.

Enough4me · 15/04/2020 10:28

Maybe she saw something she wanted, but is waiting for payday and was trying you out for a loan. Or she messaged several people and one of them said yes. Either way, you have explained you can't help.

DesparadoNewlywed · 15/04/2020 10:31

@TrulyOutrageousJem

I was so tempted to quote Judge Judy the great myself WinkGrin!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/04/2020 10:37

We’ll see if she stays in contact now

Indeed

Don’t overthink it , she is an old contact and not your responsibility

currentlychilled · 15/04/2020 10:58

You did the right thing OP. Sounds like my sil. The only reason she asks me for money is because she's exhausted all her usual sources.

Mary46 · 15/04/2020 11:09

No as think this will start a habit..
Sorry things tight with maternity pay etc.
Neighbour changed currency for a neighbour but owed her around 25 pounds she had to keep reminding her about it

Sockmonster23 · 15/04/2020 12:35

I would, we need to reach out more to each other in hard times. I always get it back as well when I have lent it and seems weird but I get lucky when I help others. Saying that you know this friend more than anyone and her situation so only you can make the decision. If it's genuine or not. You know if she is taking the piss.