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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

66 replies

Zenyah · 14/04/2020 22:41

Hi Everyone, I need some advice. I’ve been really struggling with my third pregnancy. First 3 months we moved house- very stressful, then in month 4 Coronavirus started. I am now in month 5 and found out I’m having my 3rd girl and I feel so awful for saying this but I am so so upset and disappointed that I can’t face telling anyone I’m pregnant.
I haven't even shared the news with my parents / in laws, not even my manager at work knows. I feel like I just don’t have the energy or excitement to talk about it or go through with it, and hate myself for feeling this way. I really don’t know how to move on from this feeling. My husband says he is happy no matter what, but I know deep down he would’ve liked a son too.
Appreciate any experience of gender disappointment and how you dealt with it.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Jellybean27 · 14/04/2020 23:09

I think it’s a normal thing. I was disappointed when I found out I was having a boy second time round, and was quite open about it to dh. I figured it was because I was besotted with my girl. Turns out, I’m equally as besotted with him. Don’t worry.

Namechangedforthisreply7 · 14/04/2020 23:23

Oh gosh, we ‘wanted’ a boy for our second and we have the most delicious little girl who is like the final jigsaw piece in the puzzle that is me. I cannot imagine ever having wanted anything but her.

Times are weird and stressful. You are entitled to be worried and feeling unusual. You will love this baby and forget any other desires when she’s born. She might even be your favourite!

Daftodil · 14/04/2020 23:31

More common than you think to feel this way. 💐

LGY1 · 15/04/2020 08:30

More common than you think, a lot of people don’t talk about it for fear of the reaction.
3 months ago I found out I’m having a second boy. I’m not ashamed to say I spent the next 24 hours unhappy and bursting into tears.
People who give you the “you are lucky to be having a child bla bla” don’t understand what it’s really about.
I wasn’t unhappy that my baby was a boy, I was coming to terms with the fact i will never be mother to a girl. All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room.
A few months later I have made my peace with it, but I will always look at other mums with their girls and wonder what it would have been like to have experienced that.
I just dealt with it by having time pass! What I wanted will never change but I will love this baby as much as I love my other son.

acquiescence · 15/04/2020 08:41

Your feeling are valid, but here you really do need to step back and take a look at your life and try to be grateful for what you have.

I’m pregnant with my 3rd boy and had about 10 minutes of gender disappointment, before it passed and I was just thankful for a (hopefully) heathy pregnancy. Our second child died recently and we are so grateful to have another chance for our living child to continue to have a sibling. There will be many, many people reading this who are struggling to conceive even one child, who have had miscarriages, stillbirths, had toddlers, school age, teenage and adult children die, or not be able to have children at all.

As I say, I still think your feelings matter but please consider the language you use when posting on such a popular forum. Do you actually mean you are struggling to ‘go through with it’, are you considering alternatives to continuing with the pregnancy?

Good luck with adjusting to your growing family.

IMissTheOutside · 15/04/2020 08:47

Gender disappointment is a very real thing and you are not being unreasonable at all in feeling it! I honestly don’t think this will mean you’ll love your DD any less, but you’re just sad for all the things you won’t have, especially as you’ve probably been imagining them! Congratulations OP and I hope you start to feel like you can enjoy your pregnancy again soon Flowers

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 15/04/2020 09:49

I think finding out the gender in advance is partly responsible. When someone hands you a beautiful healthy baby it doesn't seem so important.

Umnoway · 15/04/2020 09:50

They should probably remove the ability to find out the sex during scans to avoid this nonsense. I doubt you’d feel disappointed when the baby was actually born. Most people just want a healthy baby.

KaptenKrusty · 15/04/2020 10:27

Maybe Try and feel lucky you are even pregnant - rather than struggling with your fertility? So many people would do anything to be pregnant at all! :)

Runkatierun · 15/04/2020 10:42

You'll get a hard time on here but your feelings are valid. I imagine it's an awful time to be pregnant. Have you had a 20 week scan? I had a girl first time and second time was desperate for a 2nd girl, I just never wanted a boy. I felt awful as i approached 20 weeks and tried to convince myself that a boy would be perfect but deep down I would have been disappointed. Dc2 is a girl and I was so so happy. If she had been a boy I would have probably been disappointed for maybe 30mins after my scan. I've heard of lots of people being disappointed when pregnant but I've never heard of anyone being disappointed once their baby is here. Good luck

GinDrinker00 · 15/04/2020 10:44

Whilst your feelings are valid. You need to see the bigger picture, she’s a healthy baby it could be worse.
I had gender disappointment with my triplets all boys, they sadly died before they was born. I wish I could go back in time and just be happy I had three healthy boys at the time.

bluebluezoo · 15/04/2020 10:49

All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room

I found it helped to actually think about all the things I’d wanted to do with a girl that i couldn’t do with a boy.

Turned out not much. No reason boys can’t enjoy dance and indoor sports, after all it’s my husband who enjoys shopping and fashion, not me. And there’s no guarantee I’d have a girl who enjoyed the same activities I did.

After all the main reason my mum and I don’t get on is because she wants us both to do the things she likes doing, which absolutely hate. She likes shopping, getting nails and hair done, dressing smartly- i’d rather put pins in my eyes.

Take the pressure of your perceived stereotypes of gender And think about all the stuff you can do together, whatever the sex.

koshkatt · 15/04/2020 10:51

You mean sex. Not gender.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2020 11:02

All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room what can you do with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

fatisnotafeeling · 15/04/2020 11:04

Hi OP, I know how you feel as I have been dealing with the same issue. I am 39 weeks pregnant and due to be induced today I am still struggling with the disappointment.

This is my 4th baby, I suffered with yrs and yrs of infertility before I had DC2 and had 6 miscarriages in that time. I NEVER thought I would struggle with disappointment about the sex of my baby but I do.
I have both sexes so it's not about what I will be missing out on, I think a lot of people assume it's about that when most of the time it isn't.

I am under the perinatal mental health team and they have been excellent, my psychologist keeps reminding me that my feelings are valid and I have not been judged for how I feel so If you feel you can please talk to your midwife about how you feel.
I have lots of support in place for when this baby is born to help me with bonding and it has made me feel less alone in this battle.

I do feel guilty for how I feel but I cannot change it I can only accept it and try and work through it.

I wish you all the best.

Purpleorange1 · 15/04/2020 11:07

It's a normal reaction. I've got 3 girls and like you when I found out my 3rd baby was a girl I just burst into tears. I was convinced it was a boy. But as soon as I held her I was absolutely in love with her as for my husband, he's been very hands on with her. She was 9 months old when I went back to work and my husband wfh and looked after her too. She has been on conference calls with people all around the world! She also gets some nice presents on her birthdays from husband's work colleagues in Europe. She will be loved and spoilt like our 3rd princess xx

CoffeeIsMyOnlyJoy · 15/04/2020 11:09

I get it, it must be upsetting to not have the family you dreamed of. But ultimately you need to accept it and move on.

I mean this sincerely and without ire, take a look at the infertility or miscarriage boards here. It may not feel like it but many women would do virtually anything to have one healthy pregnancy.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/04/2020 11:16

Do you think maybe the stresses and strains of the last few months have all latched themselves onto this one (in the grand scheme of things, minor) thing?

koshkatt · 15/04/2020 11:19

All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room
What can you do with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

No one can ever answer this question.

Bluesheep8 · 15/04/2020 11:27

*Averyyounggrandmaofsix

I think finding out the gender in advance is partly responsible. When someone hands you a beautiful healthy baby it doesn't seem so important.*

I agree with this.

LGY1 · 15/04/2020 11:56

@pinkyredrose “pictured” - all the things I had pictured. Not reality, not a thought out logical process......a reaction.

Alarae · 15/04/2020 12:02

I had fear of going through this, but i came to realise it wasn't disappointment at the sex of the baby, but rather disappointment at the loss of a future I had perceived.

I honestly don't think those feelings of loss are any different to other scenarios of "what might have been" but you end up making your peace with the situation regardless.

At this time, as others have said, your feelings are valid. They are true to your current situation. These are allowed to change, which is why as soon as you have your baby in your arms these feelings will disappear and feel miles away. A part may still remain, but that's okay.

Humans are dreamers and always think ahead to what they like. Humans also adapt, so what might feel unfortunate now, might not be the same in the future.

GarlicMonkey · 15/04/2020 12:21

I've got 4 boys. I don't think I'll ever stop grieving for the mother/daughter relationship I'll never have BUT, I can snap myself out of it easily by reminding myself we might have really dislked each other. Also, when you reach the 'that's me done having babies now' stage it becomes far less acute.

Jimdandy · 15/04/2020 12:25

It is hard, I wanted two children of the same sex and as my first child was a girl I wanted another girl.

Jimdandy · 15/04/2020 12:29

Sorry my post wasn’t complete!

When I found out I was expecting a boy I was a bit disappointed and to be honest after generations of girls I was really shocked.

It is hard but I am sure you will accept it in time

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