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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender Disappointment

66 replies

Zenyah · 14/04/2020 22:41

Hi Everyone, I need some advice. I’ve been really struggling with my third pregnancy. First 3 months we moved house- very stressful, then in month 4 Coronavirus started. I am now in month 5 and found out I’m having my 3rd girl and I feel so awful for saying this but I am so so upset and disappointed that I can’t face telling anyone I’m pregnant.
I haven't even shared the news with my parents / in laws, not even my manager at work knows. I feel like I just don’t have the energy or excitement to talk about it or go through with it, and hate myself for feeling this way. I really don’t know how to move on from this feeling. My husband says he is happy no matter what, but I know deep down he would’ve liked a son too.
Appreciate any experience of gender disappointment and how you dealt with it.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 15/04/2020 12:42

Your feelings are valid and it is a common reaction though it is very difficult to say out loud because you don't want it to affect how you feel about your unborn child though right now, it does.

Take these feelings out, look at them, accept them for what they are. Accept yourself for being human and for feeling and give yourself a hug.

thekeythesecret · 15/04/2020 14:16

It’s normal and valid and probably more common than we think, there’s just a lot of stigma.

Even women who have become pregnant after a long struggle and history of infertility/miscarriages aren’t immune either. I know a friend of mine admitted to quite bad gender disappointment with her son despite years of struggling, miscarriages and IVF. She said it was linked to the fact he would probably be her only child and the fact she had been through so much, such a long and painful journey that, in her mind, the daughter she’d always dreamed about seemed to be the obvious conclusion to all the stress and heartache. After he was born most of these feelings disappeared of course.

I think it helps not being fixated on this idealised version of a son or daughter that people have fixed in their minds. It may not have ended up that way, having a particular sex does not guarantee a particular relationship with that child or that you will do certain things- if anything women set themselves up for real disappointment when they have all these expectations. Ditto when people say they want another girl or boy so the siblings will be close, I know plenty of sets of sisters and brothers who aren’t close at all.

pigsDOfly · 15/04/2020 15:02

All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room.

And what is if you'd had your girl and she hadn't turned out to be the kind of little girl you hoped for?

What if she didn't like what you had planned in your head you'd be doing with her?

Whilst anyone's feelings of disappointment over the sex of their baby are valid, it's completely unrealistic to have such high expectations of how you want a child to be.

Brefugee · 15/04/2020 15:09

what can you do with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

see how far you can pee up a wall?

OP, it is a huge disappointment and you're allowed to feel it no matter what anyone says. Flowers

EveryLifeHasASoundtrack · 15/04/2020 15:09

She might even be your favourite!

Let’s hope OP doesn’t have a ‘favourite’ child. 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2020 15:22

I think finding out the gender in advance is partly responsible.

I think people commenting on sex of babies in general is responsible.

If you have either sex first, the second must be the opposite of that sex.

If you have two of the same sex, you must try for a third that will hopefully be the opposite sex of the first two.

You have many of the same sex and you finally get the opposite sex, one of the spouses finally have the sex they should or always wanted

If you have two and they’re the opposite sex, you shouldn’t have a third because you have the best of both worlds.

There are mums that don’t find out because people comment on what they hope or think the mother should hope for or they themselves have a hope but are afraid of their feelings.

People should just say congratulations, what lovely news, and ask about baby names, how mum and dad are preparing, etc..

happymummy12345 · 15/04/2020 15:27

I experienced it so I know how you feel. It was my first baby.
I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there not just on a screen.
I wanted a girl but we had a boy. The first thing I felt was disappointment. I wondered why I didn't have a girl. We knew two other people who were both expecting girls as well which made it harder. My mums hurtful comments about the fact she got the sex she wanted all 3 times didn't help either.
My husband struggled to understand why I felt the way I did. I have to live with the guilt every day, I love my son but I still sometimes wonder why we didn't have a girl.
It's not easy but it does get easier.
There will always be people who don't understand. But unless you've experienced it it's very difficult to understand how it feels.

DinosApple · 15/04/2020 15:37

It's not finding out in advance or scans that is responsible, it has happened for years.

Mil told me she burst into tears and cried and cried and cried after she had DH, as she was desperate for a girl. She got over it and enjoyed her two lovely boys instead. They are still very close.

I hoped DD2 was a boy, but when they lifted her up it was that instant bond, and that hadn't happened with DD1. She was like a tiny, screechy version of my mother, it was uncanny 😂.

All the best for the induction Flowers.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2020 16:13

I felt this way when I had ds3. I feel so much guilt now because I feel like I didn’t appreciate him as much as I should have done and now those baby days are gone. I don’t even have many pictures of him because I can’t access them in my old phone, which just further compounds the guilt I feel. I love him so much it hurts.

Mucklowe · 15/04/2020 16:36

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your feelings actually aren't valid. They are irrational and ungrateful. Gender (sex) "disappointment" is something that should be felt fleetingly, followed by taking yourself firmly in hand and being grateful that you are expecting a healthy baby.

LGY1 · 15/04/2020 16:42

@pigsDOfly “pictured” - all the things I had pictured. Not reality, not a thought out logical process......a reaction.

Andromeida59 · 15/04/2020 17:18

I know I'm the one being unreasonable but speaking as someone desperate to have a baby of either sex. I don't understand how someone can be disappointed at having a healthy baby for not being the right "type".

Daisychainsandglitter · 15/04/2020 18:25

@acquisence Thanks wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy

mumof2exhausted · 15/04/2020 18:32

I’m sorry but you need to take a step back. I’m also 5 months pregnant with my 3rd. A couple of months ago my sister had to make the horrific decision to abort a baby at almost 20 weeks as it was too sick to survive (insane amount of issues). It was an IVF baby so this was not a decision taken lightly. All I want is an healthy baby. Obsessing about the sex of a baby just seems crazy to me

Millicent10 · 15/04/2020 19:11

Congratulations but I think you need to have a cut off number, I know someone with 8 boys! Some people will keep on trying and never get the ‘right’ sex. I am 1 of 3 girls and my mum was often justifying to both family and strangers not having any sons (this was in the 70s).

Curiositykilledthecat113 · 15/04/2020 19:16

YABU. There’s nothing a boy can’t do that a girl can do and vice versa. You’re sad about not having a boy? Maybe you’ll have a daughter who’s a tomboy. This kind of thing just reinforces gender stereotypes, there are not vast differences in the genders besides appearance

footprintsintheslow · 15/04/2020 19:35

It's sex not gender.

Your scan cannot reveal a gender.

Also (nicely) get a grip. Spend five minutes on any miscarriage thread or any of the infertility threads.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 15/04/2020 19:43

I think finding out the gender in advance is partly responsible. When someone hands you a beautiful healthy baby it doesn't seem so important. This. I couldn't have cared less if my babies were boys or girls so I didn't find out. I was so overwhelmed (in a good way) when my babies were handed to me it didn't matter what sex they were. I also think many people still believe in gender stereotypes. Gender is a spectrum. Not all boys will be football crazy and not all girls are going to be perfect princesses.

Blossomgate · 15/04/2020 19:55

As someone who has enjoyed virtual crochet lessons with her son this week I can't see what I would have missed having girls.

One of my son dances, sings, loves fashion and shopping ( I hate shopping!), bakes and sews,enjoys a cocktail or two!

My friend's daughter is a mechanic, would never wear a dress from being tiny, loves football, cars, grass racing and drinks pints.

Is having a boy or a girl really going to matter?

BabyDancer · 15/04/2020 19:59

I know it probably won't make you feel better at the moment OP, but I'm one of three girls. My mum always wanted a boy but it wasn't to be. I know that she was initially disappointed but I grew up really close to my sisters and we still have a really special bond. I think there's something special about three siblings of the same gender. We've travelled around Europe together, completed the Three Peaks Challenge and have been away on lots of other trips together. My life would be so different without my sisters, they're a part of me. Our whole family is so close. I hope you feel better soon.

AnPo · 15/04/2020 20:12

I think finding out the gender in advance is partly responsible. When someone hands you a beautiful healthy baby it doesn't seem so important

I disagree. People can and do feel disappointment if they don't find out until the birth (as pps mentioned above). This is precisely why I found out in advance the second time, I wanted a boy but found out at 20weeks I was having another girl.

It was just brief disappointment but I wanted to find out in advance as I didn't want any disappointment on what should be a very happy day. It seems mad to me now as DD2 is the light of my life and we share an incredible bond - she makes my heart swell in a way no one else does.

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 15/04/2020 21:47

Gender disappointment is real. I know people struggle with many issues, but you aren’t wrong for feeling how you do. I had bad gender disappointment after ds1 but I had no idea it was a thing. I cried for a week which in hindsight is bonkers. I had always imagined having a girl and I had convinced myself I was having one. I’m an only child so my mum was delighted as she had always wanted a second child and a boy but wasn’t able to get pregnant. After that week, I started to get excited as this was real, whilst my dream of a girl was never a reality. With ds2, I had a fleeting 10 seconds of disappointment and then thought of my two little boys together which made me smile. We will have a third and in my heart, I would like a girl. However, I know my boys will definitely be team blue. Try not to beat yourself up, Op. It’s just meant to be. All of those feelings will disappear when you hold your baby.

Shefliesonherownwings · 15/04/2020 22:34

I'm afraid I'm with the couple of posters who are basically saying get over it. Sure, for a moment it's disappointing but you need to take a step back and look at the big picture.

As someone who lost their firstborn last year, she was a full term stillbirth, just be grateful you have a healthy baby. I'm afraid I am struggling to have much empathy for you about this. I would do anything to have my child here with me and the fact that you're moaning about your babys sex makes me fume.

Take a minute to wallow and feel sorry for yourself but then get over it and be grateful for what you have.

Frozenfan2019 · 15/04/2020 23:36

Each child is an individual. There is no way of knowing what type of personality your child will have and whether they will fit into your stereotype of boy/girl. There is one thing you can be certain of though, this child will be different to your other two in just as many ways as she would have been if she were male. There's a new human growing inside you who is unique and special. You don't know her yet, that's exciting regardless of sex.

redwoodmazza · 16/04/2020 08:43

I always wanted a daughter. However, when I got pregnant, I was convinced that because of my wish for a girl, I would have a boy. And I did! He's now 27. Best thing that ever happened to me.

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