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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gender Disappointment

66 replies

Zenyah · 14/04/2020 22:41

Hi Everyone, I need some advice. I’ve been really struggling with my third pregnancy. First 3 months we moved house- very stressful, then in month 4 Coronavirus started. I am now in month 5 and found out I’m having my 3rd girl and I feel so awful for saying this but I am so so upset and disappointed that I can’t face telling anyone I’m pregnant.
I haven't even shared the news with my parents / in laws, not even my manager at work knows. I feel like I just don’t have the energy or excitement to talk about it or go through with it, and hate myself for feeling this way. I really don’t know how to move on from this feeling. My husband says he is happy no matter what, but I know deep down he would’ve liked a son too.
Appreciate any experience of gender disappointment and how you dealt with it.

Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

Pippp · 16/04/2020 08:53

I mean this sincerely and without ire, take a look at the infertility or miscarriage boards here. It may not feel like it but many women would do virtually anything to have one healthy pregnancy

This. And I too don't mean it any other way than to be helpful. Please don't focus on what you perceive to be 'negatives' and try to realise just how very lucky you are in comparison to some.

Brefugee · 16/04/2020 09:07

I don't think it's helpful to send a pregnant woman to look at miscarriage boards.

OP is disappointed at the sex of her baby, and if's she's a healthy adult she'll get over it quickly. If she doesn't get over it, no amount of reading about other people's miscarriages will help.

Her disappointment is valid. What counts now is getting the heck over it and getting on with the pregnancy and preparing to welcome a new baby.

(and again: I urge everyone to look up the Fallacy of Relative Privation - comparisons to people who have it worse aren't really helpful)

Llyn · 16/04/2020 09:25

All the things I had pictured doing with my daughter had vanished in that scan room. What can you do with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

No one can ever answer this question.

For me, it’s about the relationship I have with my mother as an adult, and particularly around becoming a mother myself. She was there supporting me when I gave birth to my son, and helped me with breastfeeding. I’ll never be able to share that with DS. I know there’s no guarantee a DD would have wanted me there in the same way, or even that she would have wanted children, but it’s the knowledge that it’s not even a possibility I have found hard. It hasn’t affected my relationship with DS, but even now, 10 years on, (DS is an only), I feel sad thinking about it.

BubblyBarbara · 16/04/2020 09:33

what can you do with a girl that you can't do with a boy?

Oh come on, society shapes boys and girls differently no matter how much you want to put your head in the sand about it. Look at your local dance schools, for example. You might have 1 or 2 boys amongst fifty girls, going down that path is hard work socially for a boy, very few will thrive with it, and if you really loved ballet, say, it would be unfair to push a reluctant boy through it, whereas a girl would at least have social reasons to do it for a while.

Boys and girls can theoretically do the same things much as my DH could theoretically walk down the street in a mini skirt or I could go labour on a building site..

phoenixrosehere · 16/04/2020 09:51

Your feelings are VALID regardless of what the “be grateful” crowd says. It’s no wonder so many people suffer in silence with people guilting and invalidating their feelings with situations that have nothing to do with them.

You can’t help what you feel, but you can decide what you’re actions are going to be. As it was also said, your feelings will likely go away once you hold your baby in your arms.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/04/2020 09:53

@BubblyBarbara - it's unfair to push a reluctant boy OR girl through ballet lessons they don't want to do. It's not less unfair for a girl because there are other girls there. What nonsense. Your post makes no sense.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 16/04/2020 09:55

Not all feelings are VALID just because you have them. If I have an overwhelming feeling I want to murder someone is that 'valid' too?

Pippp · 16/04/2020 09:57

I disagree actually. I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling disappointment but when that starts spilling over into not being able to tell anyone your pregnant, bursting into tears etc... I think it's beneficial to stop and think about what a fortunate position you are in compared to so many others.

I had a similar sort of experience and it wasn't until someone else pointed out to me how many others would give their left arm to be in my position that I started appreciating the positives about my situation and started turning my way of thinking around.

It's not incorrect to say OPs situation is not a HUGE suffering, it isn't. She is not in the worst position, she is in fact in a very good position and me saying that is not to undermine OP but to try and help her to move past her disappointment and see her situation for what it is.

phoenixrosehere · 16/04/2020 10:03

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling disappointment but when that starts spilling over into not being able to tell anyone your pregnant, bursting into tears etc... I think it's beneficial to stop and think about what a fortunate position you are in compared to so many others.

Or talk to a doctor about it who specialises in this type of thing instead and can help you work through it.

Pippp · 16/04/2020 10:07

If you need to see a doctor then absolutely yes. Still don't think it means people can't gently remind you that there are a lot of positives about your life though. 3 healthy children is something to be incredibly thankful for.

Covert20 · 16/04/2020 10:17

I hate it that people always respond to theses threads, making gender disappointment out to be all about a dream of doing stereotypical gender activities with the longed for gender. It isn’t. Certainly not for me. I always wanted a daughter - not to do shopping and nails etc etc, I hate those things, I’m not “gender conforming myself”. I wanted a daughter because I’m a woman, I love and admire women and I wanted the joy (and challenge!) of bringing one up. I also have a great relationship with my mum and sisters - the most important relationships in my life, and how could I not also want that?

I did have my daughter, and she’s much more interested in nails and fashion etc than me - fortunately she’s got my oldest son to do those things with! Likewise, my oldest son gets his need for shopping etc by going with my husband - who is definitely the one who’s into fashion in our house!

avacadooo · 16/04/2020 10:18

I felt this way, had a horrific time of being pregnant and found out I was having a boy and had a meltdown.
It wasn't anything to do with his gender it was because whatever way that scan was going I was going to burst into tears as I'm only having one child so felt like I'd lost a theoretical child (please do not flame me I had in my head two kids one of each since I was a kid and can't even begin to imagine how awful it would be)
The important thing in this is you're not a monster op, I was flamed for this and it made me feel shit but it was other anxiety and stuff going on that made me feel disappointed with his gender.

Now he's here I love him to pieces but sometimes I'm still hit with that want to have another and knowing I won't. It's especially painful when someone brings up giving him a sibling or a little sister.

Floofyy · 16/04/2020 10:18

I'm seeing (or was before lockdown!) a counsellor due to multiple miscarriages. One of the main things we discuss is trying to find positive things about my life to remind myself of.

So yes I do agree that people feel the way they feel and those feelings shouldn't be invalidated but equally I believe it's a really good exercise to try and think about your situation in another way, more positively.

In my situation I've managed to find some comfort in that I've been told by medical professionals that the likelihood is I will one day have a successful pregnancy. I'm fortunate to be able to have that hope that others don't. No it doesn't stop me feeling shit some days, it doesn't stop me crying hysterically on others but sometimes it does help.

And it definitely helps to remind myself of the other stuff in my life that is massively positive, my good husband, my friends, my mum who I'm so incredibly close to and would do anything for me, my home etc...

It doesn't do any harm to remind ourselves of the positives in our situations imo. So yes whilst being able to have a rant and get all those thoughts our of your head and down on paper or spoken words is really helpful, I also think it's great to say 'right, why don't we look at your situation this way instead'.

user1493494961 · 16/04/2020 10:19

You say you haven't told your parents or in laws yet, are there cultural reasons for your disappointment as I suppose this would impose added pressure. (I'm afraid I'm in the camp that feels you should be thankful for a healthy baby).

Lweji · 16/04/2020 10:22

There will be all sorts of disappointments coming your way from your children.
Their sex will be just one of them.
The problem is expecting things from them that we can't control.

Just enjoy your children as they are, whatever they are.

With any luck she'll choose her gender to match your wishes.

Thehop · 16/04/2020 10:24

Ah OP it’s tough, I get it. I felt it with ds2 but was resigned to it by ds3 haha! I’d kill for 3 girls sometimes!

I think other people’s friend faces and sympathy were the worst so I joked it out “oh no we were desperate for the three amigos, would have given a girl away” or pretending I was utterly thrilled.....I faked it till I made it and couldn’t love my 3 lads more.

Good luck, you’ll get there honest xx

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