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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unusual that my son still lives with me

83 replies

Takemebackto · 14/04/2020 21:04

He’s 24 25 in July and still lives at home with me. He has mental health problems. My friends keep asking me if he has plans to move out and other family keep asking. Is it that unusual that he’s living with me? Many of his friends still live at home.

OP posts:
Carbosug · 14/04/2020 21:53

Perfectly normal. I know lots of young people that age who still live at home.

Liddell · 14/04/2020 21:54

As long as you are both happy, it is no one else's business.

If he has mental health issues he probably feels safe at home.

FairlyOddmother · 14/04/2020 21:55

I'm 45, DH is 50 and DS is 8. We love him dearly but, frankly, the idea of him still being at home in 20 years is horrifying to me. We'll financially help him to become independent long before then (if he needs help).

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2020 21:55

I feel that there is more of a sense of entitlement in people in their 20's about house ownership. When I was in my 20's in the 90's I rented as a norm. Didn't occur to me I'd get a mortgage. Yet my stepson says he doesn't want to 'waste money on rent' but stays in a part-time job and has lived with various family members. There seems much less drive for independence these days.

Lexijayde44 · 14/04/2020 21:55

No not really. My partner was 28 when he moved out and moved in with me.

As long as he goes out, sees friends, has relationships or dates then he's not avoiding life. It's expensive to leave home too. I hope mine stay with me beyond 18 lol x

Furrydogmum · 14/04/2020 21:56

I got married at 20 and moved into our mortgaged first home. DS 21 is still at home and his GF 21 has moved in for lockdown. Also have DS 17 at home. Older DS and his GF are saving hard to buy their first home hopefully in the next 2 years using deposits saved through Lifetime isas.. DS17 has a 900 year education plan 😬 From what I see of the economy anyone managing to buy a family home these days is doing ok, but staying at home as long as possible and saving hard helps.

YgritteSnow · 14/04/2020 21:57

No. These days adult children cannot always afford to move out. Your son also had MH issues. My ds has autism though is very high functioning. He will have a home with me as long as he wants one no matter what age that may be. It's no one else's business really is it?

Grandmi · 14/04/2020 21:58

My son is 24 and back home since uni cannot afford to live out and most of his friends are in similar situation. I actually love having him around...great company as well .

Jenasaurus · 14/04/2020 22:00

My DS moved out last year at the age of 29, he lived with me as he was saving to buy a place with his GF. His GF stayed over most weekends and they managed to buy a lovely home together which I dont think they would have been able to without the deposit they managed to save.

My Middle DS however was 18 when he left to go to Uni and when he returned he shared a house with a friend and now at the age of 27 lives with his GF

My DD is 25 and still at home as she decided she wanted to return to education so will be with me for another couple of years or so.

I dont think it matters how long your DC live at home as long as they and you are both happy about it and they pull their weight at home and dont treat the place like a hotel.

DieSchottin93 · 14/04/2020 22:01

I'm a couple of years older than your DS and I still live at home. I can't afford to move out and I work locally anyway so it makes sense to stay put for the time being. I do pay rent albeit not a lot and am saving for a deposit with my LISA. Ideally once I've got a salaried job I'll move out.

OhTheRoses · 14/04/2020 22:02

@FairlyOddmother It's hard to foresee. DS has a house (a tiny one) but choses to let it rather than live in it. When he's shared with mates it's a) been cheaper and b) been more fun.

PleaseStopSayingNewNormal · 14/04/2020 22:02

I wouldn't worry what your friends and extended family think. It's really up to you (and possibly anyone else who lives in your home, depending on the circumstances). Plenty of young adults live with their parent(s), these days. It's hardly unusual. If you're happy with it and it's working for him, that's fine. It's nobody else's business.

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/04/2020 22:02

Not unusual for young adults who can to live at home.

Don’t forget that a fair number of 20-30yr olds not living at home are only doing so because they have no choice. Not everyone has parents they can live with.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 14/04/2020 22:02

My son moved out when he got married at the age of 28. My daughter is 24 and will be home until she gets married later this year. They have both paid rent, both helped around the house. There has never been any need for them to move out. I have another daughter who has never stayed at home for more than a couple of weeks since starting university 10 years ago and the same with my other son. Different lifestyles and different work. If it works for all of you why worry.

GrumpyHoonMain · 14/04/2020 22:04

Living at home doesn’t need to mean he’s a dependant. We are Indian and living at home is expected to an extent - both my DB and Bil live at home but they have taken over all the bills and it’s the DP who are dependant on them to pay the big bills. That isn’t unusual amongst DB’s friend circle whether they are Indian, white, or black so I think it’s becoming commonplace outside my culture too.

JumpingOnTheBed · 14/04/2020 22:07

I moved out at 27 although had been away at university. Currently mid 30s and we have a friend who is 37 and has never moved out. Now that needs attention but he's stuck in his comfort zone!

Yellowsubmarinedreams · 14/04/2020 22:08

Normal nowadays

2Rebecca · 14/04/2020 22:11

I think a degree of independence is essential to maturing as an adult. Sometimes you develop self confidence by moving away and not being treated as a child. It depends on what sort of psychological problems he has and whether not fleeing the parental nest is helping or hindering him. My self confidence improved hugely by moving out age 18. Did he never move out for uni etc? Is he making life plans and earning or just gaming and stuck in child mode?

SarahAndQuack · 14/04/2020 22:11

It doesn't matter whether or not it's usual, it matters that it works for you and for him.

I guess I'd also say it matters/will come to matter that he doesn't get to the point where he doesn't have life skills to cope on his own. My DP's siblings both still live at home. Like a previous poster said, they pay the rent so financially it's their parents who are the 'dependents'. However, it is a worry that they are mid-30s and don't have some basic life skills - they can't cook, they don't know how you go about renting somewhere or organising your utility bills, etc. etc.

I would say those are skills that people need. But that's the only thing that would be worrying me about an adult child living at home, really.

Whatifitallgoesright · 14/04/2020 22:13

Yes living at home often means development of life skills doesn't happen and other family members do all the enabling whilst denying there is any problem.

Morningshere · 14/04/2020 22:15

I don't think it's odd, and it really isn't any of your friends business.
I moved out at 25 - grateful that I didn't feel pressure to move out and allowed me to save a deposit for my flat.
I get on great with my mum and dad and was fully independent even though I stayed at home. Worked full time, own car, paid towards the house - like 3 adults living with each other. Plus I think they were quite pleased that they could go off on holiday while I looked after the dogs ha!

Pickles89 · 14/04/2020 22:16

I'm 31 and live with my parents. I mean I come and go for temporary nanny jobs but I am based with them in my family home. I couldn't possibly afford my own place, they have plenty of room, and honestly I couldn't bear to leave my mum's dog. I'm independent in that I cook for myself, do my own washing etc so I don't feel too much like an overgrown teenager, and it means I can bring shopping back for them if I'm going to town, or dog-sit while they go away without it being a right palava.

I do wish I could afford a house of my own, as there's a part of me that still feels stuck in limbo, my life not really progressing. I'd also love to foster one day which of course I can't living here. Also it'd be nice to put my own stamp on somewhere, as apart from my bedroom and bathroom I have no say in the decor or furniture which is all at odds with my taste. On the other hand my sister has her own house and if it's not one thing going wrong it's another. It seems like every minute she's not working she's doing DIY, and the expense of it all is a massive stress to her despite a decent salary.

In short, I feel 'safe' and financially secure living with my parents, but also like my life's stagnating, which is a bit scary.

anothernotherone · 14/04/2020 22:17

We should perhaps remember that the OP might be finding it difficult having her adult son with mental health issues living at home.

She might not be seeking reassuring that it's normal but rather might be hoping it would be ok to nudge him out of the best!

Some young men with mental health issues are very, very difficult for their mothers and/ or younger siblings to live with. Sometimes a bit of distance is very, very useful in returning to a healthy relationship and helping the young man take responsibility for himself.

OP hasn't been back so that's just shooting in the dark obviously...

anothernotherone · 14/04/2020 22:17

*nest not best

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 14/04/2020 22:19

My sisters 32 and still lives at home. No plans to leave. I think she’s planning on just taking over the house when my parents die. Which could be another 30 years away if my grandparents are anything to go by Grin