Wedding- one child and not the other

[Susanna85]

AIBU to this it's odd that one of my children is invited and one isn't.

My oldest friend, godmother to my DC (6) and bridesmaid at my own wedding has invited my older child to her wedding but not the younger (1).

I feel weird about joining as a family of three and leaving one behind. If we can even find suitable childcare.

@YgritteSnow I'm with you. A wedding is a family event IMO and child-free weddings to me just seem more about the show and less about the substance. Thankfully never had to attend one. I also don't understand how children can ruin it either. I've never been to a wedding made worse by a child. The worst any of them did was start to cry at the ceremony and then the parent would take them out. It's usually lovely to have them there. They normally love all the commotion and look at the bride with adoration like she's a genuine princess. I think way more weddings get ruined by drunk or unreasonable adults.
As for inviting one child but not the other, it's just really bad manners IMO.

How different from Spain. Big family occasions, chldren and babies welcome and always a mother or grandma ready to keep an eye on them, or dance with them. When it gets late the babies are put on their prams and go to sleep, and toddlers just lie in arms or a chair and go to sleep.

Personally I'd get childcare for both if I could. She's just trying to limit the amount of kids there but can't exclude her god daughter

A wedding is a family event IMO

Well @Frezia unless you are paying for the OP’s friend’s wedding, your subjective view of how a wedding should be doesn’t matter. The bride and groom are the ones whose views matter. There are no rules on what a wedding should be and people can disagree.

Child free is normal, I far prefer it - and yes I have children. A one year old who absolutely would ruin the day for me and my husband if no one else! The weird thing here is one sibling but not the other.

Maybe her godchild is the exception at an otherwise child free wedding. In which case you should feel honoured.

If it was no children but her godchild it would be awkward for you not acceptable. As there will be other children she’s handpicking the ones they want and that doesn’t include up or younger one and that’s horrible.

What did you say when she told you?

All this “weddings are stressful and expensive” stuff is bollocks. I’ve had two and they are what you make them. At the point that the venue or frilly touches are more important than being surrounded by your loved ones you’ve lost sight of the marriage part in favour of “your perfect day” and that’s really sad.

@OhClover Right, that's why I said "in my opinion", the OP started a discussion which means opinions are exchanged. The bride and groom are free to do whatever they want, that doesn't mean people can't have an opinion about it. Child-free may be normal in your social circle and that's fine, we all choose our friends with similar values, but it's still not the norm.

I'd be far happier with a no child invite than a cherry picking one.

I'd decline politely and leave it at that. If she's a good friend then maybe still send a gift.

Oh wow.
So she is being kind enough to invite children, despite not really wanting them there and you're not happy?

How hard is it?
Each parent has a child. The one closest to the bride goes with the 6-year-old.
The other parent, up to them how they would like to spend the day.

If that's not at all possible, then don't go. That's it.

Sounds like they actually would prefer an intimate wedding with those they want, not many randoms. Considering they are only allowing children there to allow members of their families to attend. It's a simple fact, you aren't family and realistically what are the chances of the invite if it wasn't because of her God Daughter, and by chance, you're the parents.

Some people are more fixated on having an Instagram perfect wedding than maintaining genuine friendships.

And if guests cannot respect the wishes of the host, then that is down to the guests. And if a friend was annoyed because the host wouldn't make an exception, just for them, then how much did that guest value the friendship in the first place?

The op is clearly only invited because of the 6year old and maybe mentioned both parents rather than assuming which one would attend. The B&G have been more than reasonable in the first place to make the few adjustments they have to allow their own family to go. Never mind all of ops.

I only invite my god child to lots of events and not their siblings. Didn’t think it was unusual as they have their own god parents.

A child or 1 or 2 makes for a very different dynamic during a wedding ceremony, a six year old will be able to understand the need for quiet etc.

It's not like the baby will feel left out. She's having a minimal child wedding and making an exception for your daughter it sounds like. You're being petty.

And how is it any different when it comes to siblings and classmates birthday parties.

You don't take both children along despite only one named on the invite. Well not unless you're a cf.

The invited child either goes or doesn't.

How is this any different? To you as an adult that wedding is something special.
To the children, the birthday party is more special.

But either way, an invite works using the same system. Those named can attend, beyond that, it's your problem as the guest. And you should know your mates enough when it's ok to ask and when it's to decline gracefully without the guilt trip.

Having been to weddings with and without DC (my oldest is 4) it is so much easier without until they are used to sitting still and quiet when required! I would definitely not choose to bring a 1 year old (destructive, noisy tornado who has a penchant for grabbing hair and throwing things) if I could possibly avoid it, but might well take 4 yo without little brother.

They are not the same age/stage so don't need to be treated indentically.

You have yor reason.
The 1 year old will not know if it is there or not . Besides at that age they like routine.
My dc were not invited to their cousins weddings ( they were teens and close to them ) it hurt when at the church other younger children who were not related were there.
Weddings can be a pain .

Assuming it's a normal, fairly local wedding and she knows you have reasonable access to childcare, there is a level of logic in inviting a 6yo god child and not a 1yo.

I've done weddings with a 1yo, fortunately it was a family occasion with lots of other children there. DH sat with DS at the back for a quick exit and I sat up front with close family. It wasn't fully relaxing being constantly alert for him. He was great and had fun crawling around the reception-in between part and was happy to eat through a meal and there was plenty of space for children to roam safely, but it was still a long tiring day supervising him.

@Cryalot2
Oh, I agree, weddings are a pain.
It's the only time really they cause so much needless drama from 'guests' invited or not.

Weddings bring out the worse in people because everyone else wants the B&G to make compromises just for them. Family or not, even to the point of complete strangers (I mean wtaf is that about?)

I admit it was a while, but I really did think, a person decides to host a party, Says if you want to come, come if not oh well. It's one of those things, hope you can make the next one.

Party comes, hopefully, fun and everyone has enough to eat and drink and hope a cf hasn't slipped through the net. If there's any presents they are opened and thanks are given then. If the person is not there either open then and later thank the person, or open at a later time.

Clean up. Some will never stop thanking you/moaning about it. Some won't mention it at all. Anyone not at the party the gift recipient thanks at their first chance, and no that isn't during the honeymoon even if think it would be a nice surprise for your darling little 38-year-old. prince/princess.

Why do people really think because it's a wedding, it's all about the guests?

Imagine rocking up to the works do with all the family in tow?
Those workplaces that do this, well done. You get it.
Everywhere else you wouldn't.

Other than saying yes or no, mention any allergies/intolerance, not your latest fad cos no-one other than you really gives a shit. If there's a menu option select some. Hopefully, you buy a gift, either something you think they would cherish or an affordable alternative from their wishlist. If not fair enough, if host bitches, that's someone else off the mates' list.
Attend the party, do whatever, thank the host. And basically that is it unless there is some life or death situation. Depending you might help out a bit during the party etc, and if it can be dealt with without the host knowledge we get on with it. Let them know afterwards if it was really an issue, or just your issue, then jog on if some petty crap.

Some nasty comments here from a few posters about couples who don’t want any (or many or tiny) DC at their weddings. Unnecessary.

I'd be tempted to say that if I had to sort out childcare for one, I'd rather the childcare had both and I'd enjoy a child free wedding. What a complete arse having to both mind a child at a wedding and sort out care for another.

I love how these threads attract the bridezillas

I’m assuming she’s invited you as a close friend and your daughter because she’s her god daughter? As she’s not inviting children generally, the youngest isn’t invited and it’s an easy call for the bride as she’s too young to care. If she was a twin of the one going it would be unkind but I do follow her logic with this.

Its her wedding so its her choice who is and isn’t invited. Lots of people don’t want younger children or toddlers at weddings. Why would they want someone else's toddler crying through the ceremony on their special day? I imagine shes only invited the 6 year old because she feels obliged being her god parent and also thinks a 6 year old should be better behaved. It’s not that much of a big deal and a 1 year old isn’t going to understand or care if they don’t go!

I don't really think it has attracted the bridezillas to be fair. I think people are just saying that it's the bride and grooms day above all, even if you do try to make accommodations for your guests as you want them to enjoy it. That's not unreasonable.

I got married when I was 43. I had been to tons of weddings, mainly of people who went on to have children and the wedding was (rightly) more about them than their guests or their guests' children. That's how weddings are. Frankly I'd have been thrilled to be with a partner for most of them, let alone one or more children. My husband went to a few weddings single too and ended up sitting on the kids table with the bus driver at one. Lots of guests have to make sacrifices at weddings, some of them including other people's children!

When it came to our wedding, we did try to think of our guests and many commented how many thoughtful touches there had been, including for the children we did have there.

However I was very clear that this was our day, for us. I haven't really kept in touch with any of the drama queen/king type guests so wasn't expecting much of a fuss and I communicated decisions about children etc in a considerate way.

I have never been on Instagram, I wanted a lovely wedding yes. Family is important to me, I would have liked children of my own but that looks like it probably won't happen. I love bigger chaotic family style weddings in Italy or Spain of the sort people have mentioned. But we also wanted a nice grown up wedding to reflect our life and for it also to be nice for our friends and family. We have a lot of friends, many do not have children and we didn't want to choose between inviting the children of the friends who do (3 or 4 in some cases and personally if I invite one I invite them all) or the friends who don't. We didn't have an Instagrammable wedding (well maybe we did, I've never analysed it like that) and we're not child haters (quite the opposite) but you do have to make choices unless you have an unlimited budget and space (we also wanted to get married in London near our home, a personal choice which I think is fair enough). There is no set way of doing it and no way of pleasing every single guest 100%. I'd have loved things to have been done differently at many weddings I have been to, for sure!

I still think it's very odd to invite one child and not the other and can see that's difficult for the OP, but please don't be judgey about the couple as it doesn't seem they've been particularly stupid or mean and some on here are making a lot of assumptions.

she obviously worries that younger children could ruin the wedding.

Her wedding, her call. People can invite whom they want but ultimately need to be prepared for people who otherwise would have accepted the invitation, to decline.

I would never exclude like that and find it odd. I have never seen a child free wedding in real life even though it seems to be fairly normal reading on MN.

If I were to receive an invitation excluding one child, I would decline. Simples. Just don't make a drama out of it.

It's hugely rude, OP. But I doubt many will agree on here. Bunch of precious bridezillas shrieking 'THEIR WEDDING, THEIR RULES' because they have no idea that hosting an event is about being gracious to your guests above all else.