Wedding- one child and not the other

[Susanna85]

AIBU to this it's odd that one of my children is invited and one isn't.

My oldest friend, godmother to my DC (6) and bridesmaid at my own wedding has invited my older child to her wedding but not the younger (1).

I feel weird about joining as a family of three and leaving one behind. If we can even find suitable childcare.

Just decline and be honest about why. It's her day, she's paying for it all and her and DH can decide whatever they like however weird or wonderful it may be - but they can't then be offended if people don't go along with it and don't, won't or can't come.

Its naive to just dismiss as a lack of manners what could be a legitimate worry about a little one potentially screaming over the top of wedding vows or speeches (which are often recorded at great expense and can be very sentimental). That doesn't mean there aren't ways round it if you can trust the parent(s) to e.g. leave the ceremony room or main hall during them if little one kicks off etc. and come back in after. Some folk you could very much trust, others would just sit there oblivious or not giving a shit. Weddings will have a mix of both types, maybe she's gone for a blanket none under eg 5 to avoid one rule for some, another for others and causing more agro? Who knows whats made them decide where to draw the invite line.

If you don't agree, don't go. Don't take it personally, everyone has different opinions about weddings as this thread will no doubt show!

Is the child invited her Godchild? This is probably why shes invited.

I wouldn't go, can't remember the last wedding we went to where kids were invited and it pissed me off, especially the 'let your hair down thing' last wedding we went to was a Friday so my mum had to travel 150 to do the school run for us, we both needed to take 2 days annual leave, 2 nights in a hotel, trains and all the rest it cost us thousands. My husband was the best man otherwise we wouldn't have gone. As for inviting one child, it's ridiculous I'm sorry but don't bother.

Well do you really want to take a one year old to a wedding? Even if it’s next year a terrible two year old at a wedding? Won’t really be any fun for You or your husband.
Personally I would just ask my mum or my husbands mum to take the little one for the day/night so I could be relaxed and enjoy the wedding.

Given the ages involved I don't think it's awful. Having babies at a wedding is different to having children who can reasonably be expected to behave.

She should have spoken to you about it first though.

There’s nothing at a wedding for a one year old, surely you would be having to look after and entertain/ distract them the whole time.

I've not been to weddings with and without kids, and weddings where certain friends haven't come because the kids weren't invited, but inviting one and not the other is really weird. Even if she's her godmother I'd treat siblings in the same way as my godchildren.

Having invited just her Godchild is a good excuse to say that that's the reason just that child has been invited, isn't it?

Well if you can't find childcare then that solves it anyway.

I know what you mean about it feeling insulting-but of course the 1yr old won't care anyway.

Would you consider going with just your 6yr old?

If they're s good friend though, surely you can talk to them about it?

I'd politely decline the invitation, send her a card, and wish her a wonderful life. Without further explanation.

After all, it can't be the case that couples issuing exacting specifications or omitting particular family members from their invitations won't understand that those inconvenienced are likely to decline. Surely not!

Maybe as a general rule she is not having children at the wedding but has made an exception inviting your eldest as she is her godmother. Or she doesn’t want very young children at the wedding so is only inviting children over a certain age.

I don’t think it’s that weird, but obviously up to you whether or not you accept the invitation.

Not odd at all. why invite, take up a space, pay for a one year old that will have no idea of the significance or memory of the event and/or has the potential to play up during it.

I am one of 5 siblings and many many cousins and there have been a few occasions some, not all siblings have been invited and for understandable reasons.

In the last two years we were invited to two family wedding, both brides were related. One invited the kids and one didn't. I think the ones who didn't couldn't afford them.

Why are people so upset that a toddler isn't invited to a wedding? It's hardly as though they'll know!

It’s her wedding, so her choice. Weddings are very expensive !
I think it’s reasonable not to want a young toddler at the wedding, they don’t really enjoy it. Parents are distracted & don’t get to relax the same. Whereas at 6 and her godson he’s old enough to appreciate it.

She's invited her godchild but not the baby?

How often do you see her? Could she have forgotten baby's existence? Or drawn up her guest list when wedding was first planned, before baby was born?

Is there an age restriction at the venue? Or is she thinking baby is automatically coming but doesn't need to be include in headcount due to not needing a meal/chair?

I think a polite enquiry as to whether baby can come is perfectly reasonable, just so you know where you stand.

Well a one year old really isn't going to feel like they've missed out. In fact, both kids will feel like they've had some quality 1.2.1. Eldest with you and dh and a more "grown up" day with you and dh full attention.

And the baby will likely love 100% attention from a trusted relative or friend.

I prefer child free weddings. I have two dc. I'd not be arsed about a toddler not being invited. I'd likely decline dc1 and just dh and I attend but that's because I like to let my hair down at a wedding.

Hollowtalk - probably because it isn't always easy to get child care for the uninvited baby or toddler.

I wouldn't be offended - they've invited their godchild who's old enough to appreciate part of it and not a 1 year old who isn't their godchild and will not appreciate it and may be a typical one year old.

I wouldn't go to a wedding my dc weren't invited to - inviting 1 seems really odd. Like @YgritteSnow I've only heard of child free weddings on MN.

Just ask her. If you're not happy just politely say you can't because there's no one to take your youngest child. My uncle's ex did this because she wanted a cute page boy (younger brother), my mother found it insulting but went along with it to keep the peace. She seethed about it until the divorce came through.

I’m irish and it’s unusual for children outside the immediate family to be invited to weddings. I’m in my early 50s and was 17 before I went to s wedding so this isn’t anything new.

I remember one cousin getting married when I was a child and they (unusually) invited children but stuck to the eldest child in each family....we are a typical irish family, I have looooooads of cousins! I am not the eldest child. My sister went and I remember being a little jealous but I, and our other siblings, survived unscathed - as I’m sure your toddler will. Alternatively, if you can find suitable childcare, you could decide to attend as a couple thereby avoiding feeling bad about leaving one child out (although at 1 will he really care?!)

I can see why your friend did this. 1 year olds are not the best of wedding guests and shout out, cry and are not able to be controlled especially during speeches and the church services. Over the years I have attended some weddings where the parents thought it enduring that their child started crying during the speeches, and completely messed up the brides entrance by trying to leave the church at the same time the bride was arriving. Parent stepped on the train and the whole thing had to be started again.

However surely she could have let you know what she was about to do?

I love going to weddings without my children. I want to be able to relax and enjoy it all without worrying about them annoying anyone. Nobody loves your children as much as you do. Maybe your friend thinks you’ll enjoy it more without having a small child hanging off you. There may be other children there for your older child to play with but a 1 year old will need your attention all of the time.

I wouldn't decline. She is clearly a close friend have a conversation.

Maybe she is not having babies. Maybe it is no children but she made an exception for godchild/nieces/nephews. Maybe it was a typo on the invite.

It's unusual, but I wouldn't bring a one year old to a (non family) wedding anyway. Different if younger was aged 4 or 5 and feel left out. A 1 year old is practically a baby. And a lot of effort to look after on a big day. 6 year old can join in the fun.

I would potentially be quietly annoyed, I would never lose a friendship over this.

The parent closet to b&g go with the brides god child.
The other parent stays at home with the 1 year old.

Both children get quality time with one of their parents. And the bride has her god child there.

It’s really not an issue tbh. I’d just let her know which one of you is going.