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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about 3 year olds dummy

51 replies

Pollony · 13/04/2020 16:32

My DD is just 3 (last week) and still has a dummy, she pretty much only has it at night when she goes to bed, I am softer than DP and also let her have it when shes really tired and just sitting watching tv or something, if she gets up to play she gives it me back and it's pretty much her only comfort item.

DP hates it and keeps asking me when we are getting rid of it, telling her shes a baby and "losing them" and it's really pissing me off. We are in the process of giving up naps and she gets really tired some days she has been busy today and we just went for a big walk and came in and sat down on the sofa together and put a film on and she asked for her dummy so I said yes and DP came down stairs and was immediately like what's that in your mouth your not a baby give it to me. I told him no and I said she could have it and shes fine. He huffed off.

AIBU to let a 3 year old have a dummy when shes tired?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/04/2020 16:33

Just tell her to leave it on her pillow. It's for sleeps only. If she asks just say "no it's for sleeps only".

RebeccaCloud9 · 13/04/2020 16:35

My dd had a visit from the dummy fairy when she was 3 and a bit. For a while before it went, we talked lots (nicely) about it being for babies and that she'll soon be grown up enough to ask the dummy fairy to take it. We talked about her friends having sent theirs already, and gradually reduced it during the day. I thought she would never give it up but she did actually really easily.

But I think the main point was that we spoke to her nicely about it and it wasnt traumatic. I think 3 is probably old enough and you'll want to be getting rid soon, but your DH is being too harsh and not thinking of how to actually remove it in a positive way.

FlibbertyGiblets · 13/04/2020 16:37

Bed only. You are giving mixed messages:
"Only for sleeps but here you go anyway".

Sunlighthouse · 13/04/2020 16:41

I think 3 is probably about the age where it would be good to stop the dummy, to be honest. But if you don't feel able to do so, perhaps better to be consistent and keep it to sleep only.

3 is old enough to understand the dummy fairy - that's what we did with my DD and it was actually quite painless.

Treaclepie19 · 13/04/2020 16:42

I'd give it at bed only too. I'd also try and get rid of it just because it doesn't get any easier in my experience.
We did it when our son was 3.5 and he did much better than expected but we could have done it a year earlier and had the same response.

JillAndJack1 · 13/04/2020 16:47

I agree with your husband.

Windyatthebeach · 13/04/2020 16:48

Sleep only.

FilthyforFirth · 13/04/2020 16:50

I also agree with DH. 3 is far too old for a dummy and you are doing her no favours.

Sparklesocks · 13/04/2020 16:53

I agree with your DP and she needs to learn to adapt without it Im afraid. Your plan to only use for bed isn’t working if you’re also allowing her to have it for watching tv.

TotesGodsWill · 13/04/2020 16:54

You both need to be on the same page.

What happens if you say no when she asks for her dummy in the daytime?

She’s old enough that it really should be going altogether, but certainly during the day at least.

Biancadelrioisback · 13/04/2020 16:56

I agree with your DP.

Rosebel · 13/04/2020 17:05

Technically children shouldn't have them after 1 year old but I'm not judging because my youngest had one until she was 5. I would maybe try and reduce it to just bedtime.
The main problem is you and your partner don't agree. What is he worried about? Her teeth? Speech? Or just that it looks babyish? I don't think saying she is a baby is helpful though. I would ask him.what it is he doesn't like.
I would work on cutting it down to just bedtime and then seeing if she's ready to give it up altogether. We had the dummy fairy visit when my daughter gave hers up.

StarsOnAMat · 13/04/2020 17:12

I took a needle and stabbed some holes in my toddler’s dummy so he couldn’t suck so hard on it, gradually adding more over a couple of weeks so it was basically useless. Told him that they stop working as he got older because we needed dummies for the babies (he has a baby brother now). He still has it to hold in bed but doesn’t bother using it anymore. Should have taken it away a year ago but it was a bit of a rough time for the family.

saraclara · 13/04/2020 17:28

When we got to the point where it was only a bedtime thing, we just had a star chart, with a desperately wanted toy as the reward at the end.

maternityclothes · 13/04/2020 17:32

2 months before my ds turned 3 I 'lost' all of his dummies. We never looked back. He barely even cried for it the first night.
Just get rid.

AlpacaGoodnight · 13/04/2020 17:43

I agree with your DP

ButtonandPickle19 · 13/04/2020 17:47

Sorry but I agree with tour DH. Dummies are only recommended up to 6 months old, at 3 years they really should be gone or working on going. No easy but he’s right, they’re for babies

1066vegan · 13/04/2020 18:06

I also agree with your dp. 3 is far too old for a dummy. They can have an adverse effect on both teeth and on speech development.

I do think that he needs to speak more gently to your dd but that you should be supporting what he is trying to do.

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 13/04/2020 18:15

I swore no child of mine would ever have one but that's another story ! It went to santa for the baby reindeer Christmas Eve when he was 3 and he was left a special toy as a thank you. I feel ashamed even writing that as DS was inconsolable for 2 days weeping for it. He was okay after a week and has only asked for it once since then when he was poorly . I think I left it too long to remove it. I ended up having to watch him go cold turkey and even though I'd been building up to it for weeks it was pretty brutal. I would do it as soon as you can by reducing to bedtime then get rid. Good luck !

raspberryk · 13/04/2020 18:44

3 is my absolute cut off for dummies, dd had hers only in bed after 2 but became ill just before 3 and ended up having it 24/7 for a week ans i realised how much of a problem it was after that so the day before her 3rd birthday she put them all on her pillow and she got a big girl gift, and I told her she couldn't be 3 and have her birthday unless she gave it up. We had no problem she didn't resist at all and never mentioned it again.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2020 18:52

After they turn 3, only at bedtime.

And snip a tiny hole and never ever replace them.

They go off them naturally enough then, when there's no satisfaction out of them.

I have a lot of time for dummies, in their place. Theres really nothing like them, they're like magic. But not beyond 3 outside of bed for a neurotypical child. And even then I'd expect them be phasing them out completely within the year.

Timeandtune · 13/04/2020 18:58

I must be a big softy. My DS1 ( now 27) had one till almost 4. He has beautiful teeth and speech. His wee brother wasn’t interested. I would deprive a wee one of comfort especially now.

Trying2310 · 13/04/2020 19:12

I agree with your dh. After 3 they should be gone apart from sleep at night if really needed. You are giving your child mixed messages if you give her it during day when tired if you have told her bedtime only!

june2007 · 13/04/2020 19:18

Sleep only, it can effect her speech and her teath at this age.

happytoday73 · 13/04/2020 19:22

I agree with DP... Sorry. You missed an opportunity as the easter bunny could have taken your child's dummy for babies to young for Easter eggs...