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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about 3 year olds dummy

51 replies

Pollony · 13/04/2020 16:32

My DD is just 3 (last week) and still has a dummy, she pretty much only has it at night when she goes to bed, I am softer than DP and also let her have it when shes really tired and just sitting watching tv or something, if she gets up to play she gives it me back and it's pretty much her only comfort item.

DP hates it and keeps asking me when we are getting rid of it, telling her shes a baby and "losing them" and it's really pissing me off. We are in the process of giving up naps and she gets really tired some days she has been busy today and we just went for a big walk and came in and sat down on the sofa together and put a film on and she asked for her dummy so I said yes and DP came down stairs and was immediately like what's that in your mouth your not a baby give it to me. I told him no and I said she could have it and shes fine. He huffed off.

AIBU to let a 3 year old have a dummy when shes tired?

OP posts:

ElloElloVera · 13/04/2020 19:23

At 3 you need to get rid of the dummy so YABU.

However your DH is being mean and harsh about it in how he speaks to her so he is also BU.

Sit down together and agree a strategy you’ll both take to get rid of the dummy. Your DD needs you both to be kind to her and to ease her out of a bad habit.

LettyBriggs · 13/04/2020 19:28

If it makes you feel better, my niece still has one at night and she’s almost 6. I’m a bit 🤔 but aim not to judge others’ parenting choices.

Scruffyoak · 13/04/2020 19:42

My dd is 3.5 and is having hers for same reasons you say.

oncemorewithfeelingplease · 13/04/2020 19:42

The dentist knew my nearly 3 year old still had a dummy, and it was genuinely only at nighttime so we ditched them cold turkey, the thought of it is actually worse than the deed itself and it was fine, he coped. He randomly found where I’d stashed them a couple of weeks ago and didn’t even bother then.

DontStandSoCloseToMe · 13/04/2020 19:44

They shouldn't be used after a year if at all. Nevertheless she still has one, YABU and undermining your husband after you've made a joint decision it's only for bedtime.

JRUIN · 13/04/2020 19:48

A simple compromise would be for you to stick to only allowing your DD her dummy once she's in bed, no ifs or buts. You will probably find that she will ask to go to bed just to get given her dummy at first, but hopefully she won't fall asleep -though I think some children do still need a little nap at your child's age, so not the end of the world if she does drop off- and will trot back downstairs again at which point you tell her to hand the dummy over every single time. Phasing it out completely during the day makes it much easier to give up altogether.

Baboutheocelot · 13/04/2020 19:55

You need to talk about it with him. He wants them to go and I don’t think that’s unreasonable at 3 years. I was dreading getting rid of the dummy but we bit the bullet at almost 3 and it really wasn’t that bad. Come up with a strategy together, I know it’s hard to hear but she really can manage without it.

Crookshanksthecat · 13/04/2020 20:05

I agree with your dp 3 is way too old for a dummy, you need to be the parent here. Sometimes you have to make decisions your child won't like because it's best for them. It's part of parenting and yes it can be tough and heartbreaking at times when they cry.

It's a habit and she will be upset at first but will get over it.

LlamaofDrama · 13/04/2020 20:17

My DD had one, but for sleeping only after 8mths. Apparently nursery lost her nursery one when she moved rooms at 2.6 and slept fine without, which I didn't know for quite a while. We did the dummy fairy after her 3rd birthday, probably about 3.6 and it was ridiculously easy. She completely bought the story, slept well with no dummy and mentioned it once about a year later when she saw a baby with a dummy and wondered whether that was the baby that the fairies had given her dummy to.

I think you and your DH need to be on the same page, if it's potentially an upsetting change for DD you don't want any additional drama about it. Can you agree a plan for how you will handle it and then stick to it together? I remember telling DH (always the soft touch of the two of us) that if he caved and gave her her dummy out of bed when she only had it for sleeping that that made every time I'd said no cruelty... she'd cried into a state, I'd stuck to my guns and she was learning that crying for it didn't get what she wanted. Letting her know that sometimes it would seemed cruel to me, so we managed to be consistent. Night times were never hard though, only during the day when she was younger.

babasaclover · 13/04/2020 20:41

I was dreading it but took our 3 year 1 month old on holiday then ~accidentally~ left them there. She was actually fine. We were surprised. Good luck

Notsure26 · 13/04/2020 20:53

Im going to go against the grain here and say that theres very little comfort in this world, especially now, so if your DD likes her dummy when shes tired or in bed then let her have it especially as she gives it back when she goes to play. My DD did the same and eventually just stopped bothering with it herself. Ive known many children that still have a dummy hanging out their mouths constantly when they start school (which i absolutely do not agree with) but at just turned 3 with no other comforter id let her have it

PennyArrowBar · 13/04/2020 23:47

This. Get shut. Dummy fairy it or whatever, but it will be affecting her teeth/palette. Mine was 2.5 and very attached to the dummy, couple of nights of asking and tears and that was that. It was fine. Your DH needs to be less horrible about it. Three is tiny, still a baby.

FrancisCrawford · 13/04/2020 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnowsInWater · 14/04/2020 05:30

For various reasons DS had a dummy until he was six (he is 21 now and really wasn't scarred for life 😂). BUT it was bed only from the age of 2 or so. Occasionally if he was upset or super tired he would put himself to bed during the day, suck furiously on the dummy for a bit, them come back downstairs happy as. Whatever you decide you and your DH need to present a united front as it's horribly confusing for your DD otherwise (and your Dh is horrible for being so nasty to a 3yo).

TKAAHUARTG · 14/04/2020 05:47

Yeah, I think that under the circumstances I would not be removing your child’s comfort. Our dentist could also tell our three year old had a dummy, but it caused no lasting damage when given up at 3.5. It isn’t like thumbs which are there forever.

JazzyTheDog · 14/04/2020 05:58

Personally I’d lose the dummy by that age, with mine years ago one child went cold turkey when it was “lost” and another had gradual snips of it cut off until clearly it felt wrong and they didn’t want it any more because it was “broken”.

What you are both doing though is sending very mixed messages to your daughter, that’s not a good idea in the long run about anything. You and your DP need to discuss and come to some sort of agreement on it.

Oysterbabe · 14/04/2020 06:14

Your husband is right.
You've left it too long and now it will be harder than if you'd got rid at 1. It needs to go.

tiredeyes2017 · 15/04/2020 08:30

I'm in a similar situation myself with my Dd 2.5. She's obsessed with it. We do try to keep it to bed time only but like you, when she's tired and cranky it instantly relaxes her so I just give in. I am conscious of her speech and dental issues though so I am trying to get it off her. When she asks I say it's only for night night, and she's now a big girl and big girls shouldn't have a dummy.

Like anything with toddlers, your approach is everything and as parents we need to be clever. Dummy fairy seems like a good idea I will be trying... my own mum told us the dummy monster is coming !!! In any event and whatever you decide, you and your Dp need to be on the same page so it's consistent for your dd.

Good luck, I understand your anxiety around this!!!

EBJ · 15/04/2020 08:38

Dummys are awful things, remove it asap

Ineedcoffee2345 · 15/04/2020 08:42

Dd turned 3 last week. We ask her to leave under pillow in morning then the dummy fairy takes it for the dayand returns it under her pillow at bes time

StepAwayFromGoogle · 15/04/2020 08:46

It's entirely up to you and your DP how long your DD has her dummy (but you do have to be aligned) - not a load of randoms on MN. I don't agree with forcing children into giving up a dummy if they will find it distressing. Yes, it will be affecting teeth and speech AT THIS STAGE but won't after you remove it. DD1 had hers till 4. A year later and teeth have righted themselves and speech is (and always has been, actually) fine.

Chocolateandcarbs · 15/04/2020 08:52

I let my son just stop when he wanted. He wanted a particular present, which I bought and put away for when he decided to stop having the dummy. He was just before 4, late in now, but over a few weeks he stopped having it with no treats or upset. He was really proud of himself. I stopped letting him take it to nursery when he dropped his nap and out of his room around 3 (which he was happy with).

gingerbiscuits · 15/04/2020 09:02

I agree with a lot of what others have said. It's time to get rid of the dummy but there's a much nicer way it can be done than the approach your DH wants to take!

Plus, once you decide, you have to be consistent & stick to your guns, no matter what - no mixed messages or chances for your daughter to whinge you into submission.

We used good old Father Christmas with ours - first scaled it back to strictly bedtime only, while talking a lot to prepare etc, wrote FC a little note & left the dummies in a bag. Next morning, note back saying thank you & how grown up etc along with a present. Complete 'cold turkey' - all buried in the bin - no going back! Had the odd tearfest but more or less over it in days.

Good luck!!

Pinkblueberry · 15/04/2020 09:11

I personally do think 3 is too old for a dummy, especially when not sleeping. I don’t know why you’re so keen to fight this really as at some point this year it’s going to have to go (surely you won’t want her to still be using it at school age?) so you need to start making an effort towards binning it anyway. It seems pointless then for you and your DH to be having confrontations about it.

unchienandalusia · 15/04/2020 09:52

Can't stand dummies at the best of times but outside of sleep is totally unnecessary and at 3!! Good grief. Get the dummy fairy in and get rid. Your dentist will thank you!

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