To be at the end of my tether with 'boring' family?

[Burnout101]

I'll say straight away I don't think DH and DD (16) are at all boring as people but I'm so fed up with them having no drive at all and just acting like they we're 3 people in a waiting room, just killing time. I've felt like this for ages but lockdown is making it so much worse, being at home with them the way they are is so boring.

DH would be happy left staring at the wall all day only interacting with people when obviously necessary and DD is on her phone half the day and the other half is complaining that she's bored but 'can't' do anything else for any one of 1000 ridiculous reasons.

All they want to do as a family is watch TV or play cards together. If I try to organise anything else there's nothing I can get either one interested in for that long, let alone both at once, especially as we can't do days out now. If I try and get housework organised between us they both have the 'do it so badly she won't ask again' thing down to a fine art so it's generally down to me. I can't even try the 'go on strike', they'd honestly live in a pig sty if left to.

If I left them for a week DH would spend the whole time watching TV or reading a book and only do as much housework as directly impacted him there and then and DD would spend the week on her phone.

If I say I'm unhappy with the way things are DH will be genuinely sorry but slip straight back to normal the minute I'm not telling him exactly what to do, or get anxious and start overcompensating like trying to clean the whole house 30 mins before dinner, and DD will just do teenage whining and attitude.

They're driving me mad, I just want a relaxed life where everyone does enough housework to get us by without horrendous nagging, has a bit of family time and amuses themselves for a bit, is that a lot to ask?

This situation is just not normal so it is even harder at the moment. I have a teenager, older than your’s, but 16 was a really tricky time and I well remember the half hearted efforts at housework.

I would concentrate on finding things to do for yourself and making sure you are enjoying your own interests and hobbies as much as you can during lockdown and leave them to it. I am lucky in that I have a volunteering project so that is getting me out of the house and giving me something else to concentrate on.

I do feel for you with the endless card games ..... I usually enjoy a game or two of cards but not every single night .

What would you like them to do ?

I think you are being unreasonable. You said if you left for a week theyd both keep themselves busy. Thats all anyone needs to be doing in a lockdown they arent there to keep you entertained. What's wrong with them watch films or playing cards together?

Maybe you should start reading, go a walk or cycle alone, if they dont want to join you thats their prerogative Do a work out at home, garden, cook. But you cant expect them to keep you entertained.

Do a cleaning rota though so everyone knows what they should do and when and accept things might not be done to your high standards.

I think, for your own sanity, you need to make the most of your time outside / exercise time.

Leave them - you can't make them do it. But you can have more of a life

I think o have the opposite problem to you OP. I very happy puttering at hone, reading, watching TV, going on my phone.
DH is cannot sit still for even a millisecond and makes me feel bad for wanting to relax. He wants to go out for a really long walk, start DIY projects, clean, board games, gardening, none of which he wants to do on his own. He just won't sit down until 9.30pm. I find it exhausting.
It's finding a compromise together, or each doing their own thing, but it seems that's quite hard.

I don't expect them to entertain me, I don't mind the majority of the time on my own even, but it doesn't seem like much of a family if all you say to each other in a day is variations on 'what's for dinner' 'I'm going for a shower' etc and stare at the wall/phone the rest of the time and I got tired of starting conversations myself. I don't mean I'm mithering them all day to talk or be together but literally just once it twice in the day and then not moaning all day about having nothing to do would be fine.

I've tried a cleaning rota, DD whines and 'can't do' the jobs, DH constantly 'forgets' and I don't want to be nagging all the time. DD will argue blind that she's incapable of doing whatever for some reason.

I should definitely just do more on my own though, I feel really bad doing that for too much of the day, like we're missing a life together (not that we have to be together 24/7 though!!!) but what else can I do I suppose.

I don’t think the title of the post is accurate actually. Your issue seems to be with their capability of helping around the house.

They’re not boring because they don’t want to do what you want to do. You actually sound quite self absorbed.

And when I say about housework, I really don't have high standards, I mean things like loads of bits of food left on washing up, "oh no, didn't see that bit", strong disinfectant left all over the toilet seat, "oh I forgot", the bin bag left outside the door for the cats to rip open instead of taken to the outside bin, "oh no, and now I can't clear it up, I've just had a shower and need to get dressed" etc etc, I mean that sort of stuff, not just not dusting as much as I would.

Sorry, maybe I should have phrased it better. I meant boring as in it bores me to just have the drudgy bits of being a family and not feel much of the nice side but I should have focused on that.

Doesn't it sound like you're the "boring" one who can't entertain herself and they're happily getting on with enjoying their own company?

I have set standard expectations that everyone does one "housework" job and one active thing everyday, but that's mostly because it think it's good for them.

I'm feeling quite grateful that my teen DC are happy doing their own thing and I can get on with running/sewing/reading/gardening/various online things without having to worry about entertaining them. Sometimes it can be the same thing eg mowing the lawn.

I kind of see where you are at OP, we are the reverse. DW likes to fill air with a wall of chat, and business like cleaning under the stairs.

In reality there is not much to do and life is boring currently. As Nicola sturgeon said of life feels normal right now you are doing it wrong.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much from family life then. I'm very happy entertaining myself, I have tonnes of hobbies but if I try to get on with any I get 'haven't seen you for ages' from DH and 'I'm so bored' from DD and even if they're amusing themselves surely it isn't great long term to be on your phone literally 2-3 hours at time over and over? Sounds like I should just ignore them though?

I know lockdown is hard but they're genuinely exactly like this on any normal weekend too, it hasn't suddenly happened on lockdown. Normally though I can ignore it by going out or we'll all go on a day out (to somewhere I've suggested) so it doesn't bother me as much.

And we all cause more housework to need doing while we're in all day so that's so much more obvious now when they're not joining in.

They're showing utter disrespect for the house they live in. I simply don't believe they are incapable of making an adult contribution.

I don't either sooty but I just don't know what to do, if I nag it only works while I'm doing it on DH and causes an argument with DD and if I just divide up jobs they 'forget'.

No, I think you're the family skivvy and they're quite happy to leave you the necessary boring stuff whilst they can get on with the fun stuff what they like.

And it's hugely disrespectful.

It will be really hard, but try and keep a level of reasonable hygiene going and look after yourself. No cooking, washing, cleaning for them. Shop for what you like. Let them get on with it.

I would turn the WiFi off for your DD - she needs to reduce her screen time. Put away all phones for an hour a day and everyone can do chores. If she isn't sure how to clean properly maybe do some jobs together and show her. Same with your husband - you shouldn't have to do it all.

People should not be forced into your way of thinking- sorry.

We are a family of 5, really don't like all the cheesy family get together stuff at all.

Stop doing so much for other people- focus on yourself.
If they a not pulling their weight then they don't eat- they don't have clean clothes.

The last time I turned the WiFi off she literally screamed at me but yes, there definitely needs to be more housework and less phone time, might insist on phone free time in the day to do chores. Good idea to just focus on looking after myself, I can rewash a plate for myself and see if they'll eat off ones with bits of sauce still clinging to it!

Why do you need to start a conversation? Why can't they sit there in companiable silence? In all honesty I would find that grating if I was trying to chill and someone kept talking the whole time.

I think I've given the wrong impression, I don't mean we have to do hobbies together all day, I just mean the odd few words in an hour or saying something other than 'what's for tea?' to me.

I don’t really understand though - what’s being boring got to do with not doing housework. Yes they should help obviously - but I don’t see how that would make them less boring. Not that they are being boring imo - they all seem to be keeping themselves entertained.

I get you. Sometimes it can be very lonely living with others.

I'd be 'forgetting' to cook them dinner or wash their clothes if they they CBA to do their own jobs.

As for being dull and boring, start to concentrate on yourself, take up a hobby, read, walk, cycle etc.