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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be at the end of my tether with 'boring' family?

70 replies

Burnout101 · 13/04/2020 16:08

I'll say straight away I don't think DH and DD (16) are at all boring as people but I'm so fed up with them having no drive at all and just acting like they we're 3 people in a waiting room, just killing time. I've felt like this for ages but lockdown is making it so much worse, being at home with them the way they are is so boring.

DH would be happy left staring at the wall all day only interacting with people when obviously necessary and DD is on her phone half the day and the other half is complaining that she's bored but 'can't' do anything else for any one of 1000 ridiculous reasons.

All they want to do as a family is watch TV or play cards together. If I try to organise anything else there's nothing I can get either one interested in for that long, let alone both at once, especially as we can't do days out now. If I try and get housework organised between us they both have the 'do it so badly she won't ask again' thing down to a fine art so it's generally down to me. I can't even try the 'go on strike', they'd honestly live in a pig sty if left to.

If I left them for a week DH would spend the whole time watching TV or reading a book and only do as much housework as directly impacted him there and then and DD would spend the week on her phone.

If I say I'm unhappy with the way things are DH will be genuinely sorry but slip straight back to normal the minute I'm not telling him exactly what to do, or get anxious and start overcompensating like trying to clean the whole house 30 mins before dinner, and DD will just do teenage whining and attitude.

They're driving me mad, I just want a relaxed life where everyone does enough housework to get us by without horrendous nagging, has a bit of family time and amuses themselves for a bit, is that a lot to ask?

OP posts:

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 19:14

But as Nancy says even a teen can’t reasonably object to what’s on there (except maybe the up by 10... teens love a long lie in).

Of course they can. They're being forced to do things for no real reason whatsoever. Okay, housework needs to be done and eating dinner together is fine, but the rest of it smacks of someone being bored and controlling to me.

Enforced family time every night? Having to get up at 10am every day (to do what, exactly?). Group housework? It sounds awful! Why can't people get on with what they want to do and leave other people to do the same?

Pinkblueberry · 13/04/2020 19:18

Okay, housework needs to be done and eating dinner together is fine, but the rest of it smacks of someone being bored and controlling to me.

What was ‘the rest’?? That’s pretty much it other than the 8 hours of ‘do what you want’.

Kalifa · 13/04/2020 19:23

You sound like a nag. Leave them be. Personally I would hate my family always around my neck, nagging me for activities and constant interaction.You are a grown woman, entertain yourself.

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 19:24

What was ‘the rest’?? That’s pretty much it other than the 8 hours of ‘do what you want’.

Enforced family time everyday, doing household chores in a group, being made to get up at a certain time...none of that is remotely necessary.

I would really resent someone who made me spend a set amount of time with them each day just to make them feel better.

Nancydrawn · 13/04/2020 19:33

I mean, I'm suggesting they have lunch and/or dinner together and play some cards of an evening, with a half hour for chores and everyone helping to clear up after dinner--it doesn't sound hugely regimented to me.

I'm also not keen on micromanaging, hence the, you know, roughly 20 hours a day where I suggested that people be left to their own devices.

As for my family, we've mostly fallen into a general household rhythm. But if I felt like I was doing all the work and was being driven up the walls with frustration, sure, I might suggest that we clear/tidy up for 20 min after dinner, and if I felt lonely in my own house, I might say, hey, why don't we make a date night to watch something at 8.

Topsy44 · 13/04/2020 19:36

I think what I am getting from your post is that underneath all the frustration about your DH and DD, you are actually quite lonely and you would like to have more of a family life rather than 3 individuals living in a house together. I think your DD is acting like a normal 16 year old and I would say there's not much you can do there, she's just being an ordinary teenager.

Could you sit down with your DH and have a heart to heart with him on how you really feel?

Pinkblueberry · 13/04/2020 19:36

I would really resent someone who made me spend a set amount of time with them each day just to make them feel better.

I would like to think the watching a film in the evening part is something they would do as a family anyway. As I said, a couple of nights a week going up to your room alone to read or watch something isn’t something I would object to - especially with teenagers, but if like in the OPs case everyone is just in their own little world all day everyday then that’s a bit sad. It’s not much of a family life then is it if you can’t even watch a film together? If a family member were to really ‘resent’ doing something as passive as that (it’s not like it requires any conversation) then I think relationships within the family aren’t in a good place.

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 19:42

It’s not much of a family life then is it if you can’t even watch a film together? If a family member were to really ‘resent’ doing something as passive as that (it’s not like it requires any conversation) then I think relationships within the family aren’t in a good place

I suppose my point is that it should happen naturally - it shouldn't need be to "scheduled in" to that extent.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/04/2020 19:43

I find it hard to understand how a person who would stare at a wall all day is not a boring person.

What I'd do were I in your position I think, is do no more than an hour of the most essential housework tasks, first thing. That will prevent you from feeling irritated about it thereafter. Then do what pleases you all day.

What I would not be able to tolerate, is a 16yo relying on me for their entertainment. That's what whining 'I'm bored' is about. You need to ignore that line.

You could offer your availability for specific activities at specific times, well in advance. So, after your morning chores, say 'right, I'm busy until 3pm, then I'll be going for a walk round the park for half an hour, you're welcome to join me'. 'Dinner will be at 7pm, then I'd like to watch film x'. Tell, don't ask. Stick to it.

LagunaBubbles · 13/04/2020 19:44

I think this is about your relationship with your DH, and the realisation it's pretty awful really, as you say things were like this before lockdown. I couldn't cope with my DH 24/7 but we do still talk to each other and enjoy each others company, and have conversation. It doesnt sound like that for you and your DH. Has it been like this for a while?

lottiegarbanzo · 13/04/2020 19:48

My basic point is, don't let them take over your precious mental space with their enervating vacuousness. Drains are draining!

Preserve and defend your ability to focus your attention on things that interest and reward you.

Nancydrawn · 13/04/2020 19:50

vanilla, I totally agree that it should be happening naturally. The thing is that it isn't, and the OP is miserable and lonely and trapped in a house with people who are making her feel even more miserable and lonely. She's tried talking to them about being better about chores or doing things as a group and they aren't. And I suspect that now it feels constant from her, which means they're digging their heels in and doing less, and it's a shitty cycle of frustration.

So I thought maybe a little bit of structure would help--it would mean the OP wasn't constantly after them to hang out or to help out, but equally that she wouldn't become the default and sole caretaker. A little structure to relax expectations on all sides.

If it gets her to just want a relaxed life where everyone does enough housework to get us by without horrendous nagging, has a bit of family time and amuses themselves for a bit, then I'm all for it, even if the thought of a family chore chart (or anything similar) usually makes my molars grind.

TheBigFatMermaid · 13/04/2020 19:51

I think being stuck at home de- motivates people.

Having said that, DP has blizted the garden and DD age 14 has tidied our craft shed. It's only DS stuck to the screen.

I do think that them doing things so badly that you take over is a problem of your own making. I get them to do it again, well I do with DD and DS, but DP does plenty without being trained.

If needed, I get them to do it a third time and a fourth. I turn the internet off on their devices until they get it right.

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 19:54

The thing is that it isn't, and the OP is miserable and lonely and trapped in a house with people who are making her feel even more miserable and lonely.

But she's also said life was like this before lockdown. I just don't think enforcing a schedule on people who are clearly happy doing their own thing (and have been since before this started) is really the answer.

Each to their own, of course. Personally I am making sure I follow some kind of routine else I would just wallow in bed, but I wouldn't make someone else do the same thing as me.

Worriedmum54321 · 13/04/2020 19:54

I think get them to do something around the house each day, but you need to let them do it their own way (as long as not deliberately done badly). Don't nag though - that is a sure way to demotivate. Apart from that I would just do my own thing. Stop chasing them around and they might come to you.

QuestionMarkNow · 13/04/2020 20:04

if I try to get on with any I get 'haven't seen you for ages' from DH and 'I'm so bored' from DD
Then I would ignore.
Because either they are happy in their own company and they shouldn’t be coming to see you. Or they’re not in which case, they ought to be a bit more appreciative.
I would be very clear in that with your DH tbh. He can’t expect to at the same time be left on his own doing whatever he wants AND have you somehow entertaining him by talking/doing some housework around him etc....

Pinkblueberry · 13/04/2020 20:21

I don’t think I would approach it as you vs them. I don’t think your daughter is the main issue - she’s a teenager and going to be glued to her phone more than ever now because she can’t see her friends. I would leave that to one side for now.
Your husband is the one who needs a wake up call. He needs to pull his weight in terms of housework - but then I think you also need to be fair in terms of what really ‘needs’ doing right now. Don’t just look for random things to do because you have the time and then get annoyed at him for not wanting to enthusiastically join in at your command. More importantly though, spend some time together. You’re in a marriage and that’s a two way street - if you can’t depend on him for some company then who? Not in a needy you have to be glued to each other all day kind of way, but just a basic conversation, watching a film together, go for a walk together, even having a romantic meal once a week (cooked by him preferably) in the house together (you’re daughter is 16 and glued to her phone, take advantage of that!)... dare I say even spend a bit more time in the bedroom?? Otherwise what’s the bloody point of being married??

greenlynx · 13/04/2020 20:54

I also think that housework is the main issue. I would make a list of tasks you expect them to do each day around the house but don’t demand doing all of them, allocate a few tasks for the beginning and gradually increase. Actually it’s a good time for this sort of training as you are not in a hurry and no one will see how badly your DH tidied the bedroom/cleaned windows, etc. maybe divide the cooking. For all you know they both might be worrying about something: DH about his job or his health, DD might be missing friends/boyfriend/ worrying about exam’s cancellations or whatever she was planning to do.

Runbitchrun · 13/04/2020 22:15

You say ‘all’ they will do as a family is watch TV or play cards. What else would you like? I think that’s pretty good for a teenager to be honest.

I have a 10 year old who generally loves to help out round the house and a 13 year old who very much doesn’t. ‘All’ we do as a family is watch films and play games (board or card) and I’m quite happy with that. Occasionally I’ll give them a few chores to do, or ask one of them to take charge of a meal (with help), but they’d rather be on their phone/tablet most of the time because they’re kids.

OverTheRainbow88 · 09/06/2020 13:22

Of course kids would rather be on the phones/tablets but that doesn’t make it right. My kids would rather eat sweets/cake/ choc all day as they are kids but I wouldn’t allow this to happen.
There’s loads more a family can do together than watch tv and play games.... walks/train spotting/arts and crafts/scootering/bike ride/ garden/ baking/ reading/home schooling/ learn an instrument together- just off the top of my head.

Most kids would choose to watch tv all day while eating junk food- it’s our job to make sure this doesn’t happen!

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