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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be at the end of my tether with 'boring' family?

70 replies

Burnout101 · 13/04/2020 16:08

I'll say straight away I don't think DH and DD (16) are at all boring as people but I'm so fed up with them having no drive at all and just acting like they we're 3 people in a waiting room, just killing time. I've felt like this for ages but lockdown is making it so much worse, being at home with them the way they are is so boring.

DH would be happy left staring at the wall all day only interacting with people when obviously necessary and DD is on her phone half the day and the other half is complaining that she's bored but 'can't' do anything else for any one of 1000 ridiculous reasons.

All they want to do as a family is watch TV or play cards together. If I try to organise anything else there's nothing I can get either one interested in for that long, let alone both at once, especially as we can't do days out now. If I try and get housework organised between us they both have the 'do it so badly she won't ask again' thing down to a fine art so it's generally down to me. I can't even try the 'go on strike', they'd honestly live in a pig sty if left to.

If I left them for a week DH would spend the whole time watching TV or reading a book and only do as much housework as directly impacted him there and then and DD would spend the week on her phone.

If I say I'm unhappy with the way things are DH will be genuinely sorry but slip straight back to normal the minute I'm not telling him exactly what to do, or get anxious and start overcompensating like trying to clean the whole house 30 mins before dinner, and DD will just do teenage whining and attitude.

They're driving me mad, I just want a relaxed life where everyone does enough housework to get us by without horrendous nagging, has a bit of family time and amuses themselves for a bit, is that a lot to ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Burnout101 · 13/04/2020 17:17

I meant I'm bored of living in a house where most of the time I'm only talked to when someone wants feeding or a game of cards and then ignored. If you want to amuse yourself that's great but then make your own dinner if you can't be bothered to at least be civil, I don't want to feel like the server at a cafe.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 13/04/2020 17:22

You have teens - no access to wifi until they've done their allocated chores.

Mamia15 · 13/04/2020 17:24

and ignore the tantrums/screaming.

Howfar12 · 13/04/2020 17:33

They probably think you’re boring too - YABU

Slith · 13/04/2020 17:35

Could DD look into a career as a professional poker player?

UpAndGoing · 13/04/2020 17:36

Ah, OP, I know how you feel.
DC are driving me insane while DH is WFH.

Let's hope we can exit this lockdown without killing each other.

You should try to exercise and distract yourself. Take a little "me " time when you get the chance.

UpAndGoing · 13/04/2020 17:37

*Forgot to add, it's good that they're willing to play cards together.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/04/2020 17:40

YANBU
but your problem sounds more that you are the house servant

Your DH is workshy re household chores
Your DD sounds normal for a teen
Try switching off the wifi / banning electronics for say 2 hours per day

Maybe post a rota for preparing lunch & dinner
If they are too lazy or cba to cook, just cook for yourself - they may get sufficiently tired of sarnies & crisps to move their arses to the kitchen

Ditto laundry - rota and just wash your own things if they don't join in

TryingToBeBold · 13/04/2020 17:41

Stop being their slave.
Take yourself shopping for food. Do housework that will make your life easier (I.e. your clothes washing, enough dishes for you, cook for you).
See how long it lasts.

Lovemusic33 · 13/04/2020 17:42

My dd is the same age and luckily I don’t have a DH. Dd is glued to her phone a lot, I do make her put it down and I do make her spend half the day downstairs or in the garden, there are a few things we watch on tv together but I have to constantly tell her to get off her phone so I have kind of given up and let her go to her room. I have another dd who’s 14 who has autism and spends most of the day in her room so I spend most of the day on my own or with dd 16 in the room but on her phone.

Yes it’s boring but at them moment there’s not much else to do, I just get on with doing things I the garden on my own, baking or doing DIY.

JudyCoolibar · 13/04/2020 17:43

If they can't do the basics in terms of housework, I agree that you need to stop doing things for them: no washing, no cooking, no washing up. Keep a set of crockery and cutlery etc just for you.

Doesn't your DD have schoolwork to do?

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 17:47

I think there are two separate issues here.

Their attitude to housework is wrong and they should absolutely be contributing to that.

But the rest of it? There's nothing much TO do at the moment. I've spent far too much time on screens because, well, what else is there to do? We can't go out, can't see family, can't go for lunch or on a day out or anything. The internet is a great way to pass the time.

At the moment I'm in bed doing this and listening to music and the dog is fast asleep next to me. DH is next door on his indoor bike listening to his own music. We did some painting earlier (currently redecorating the living room) but we can't do any more for today so will probably just do our own thing until bed.

I'm quite happy with my own company and while I love my DH, I couldn't talk to him constantly. I mean, normally we're both at work and don't see or speak all day long - suddenly being thrown together 24/7 is hard.

Standrewsschool · 13/04/2020 17:49

I know what you mean. Can you introduce little steps? For our Sunday meal,we make the point of sitting at the table. Last night, actually got everyone to sit and watch a film together. Not a lot, but it’s a start.

boylovesmeerkats · 13/04/2020 17:59

My husband is terrible at housework and I've given up, whenever I bring it up no matter what I say he basically has a go at me. Otherwise I love him and enjoy being around him so I've decided I can settle with him being a dick where that one area is concerned. I've made it clear that I'm never going to be satisfied with it and if he wants it to be something that makes me miserable then he's got to accept it too and that I find it pathetic. He does cook though, quite a lot during the lockdown so that definitely helps.

I'd stop cooking, make yourself something and tell them that you're expecting them to cook twice a week each or you'll just make yourself a sandwich.

I wouldn't expect much of your daughter to be honest, she'll be moving out before long.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 13/04/2020 18:03

Watching Tv, on phone, reading, playing cards...are you in my family? Sounds about right to me, so long as you are snacking too much too.

ellanwood · 13/04/2020 18:03

OP I think you are making the classic mistake of deciding your way is the right way and silently fuming that other people aren't recognising this. But your way is just one way of coping. Reading all day and bare minimum housework would make a lot of people very happy throughout lockdown. Teens have it so hard. She could well be in shock at the disruption to her school life - to exams - either cancelled GCSEs or a massive chunk taken out of her A level course. Shock can manifest as lethargy and despondency.

Give them and yourself a break. Find things you want to do. Take responsibility for your own mental health and daily routines. Don't do more than you feel up to doing. Accept that all three of you have equally valid ways of coping with this. You don't like their chaos and laziness but they probably don't like your nagging and micromanaging and criticising of their efforts. Like you I bloody hate being the one who has to nag to have things happen at home. I honestly prefer to live in a bit of a tip than be cast as the whining bullying one.

nicerainyweather · 13/04/2020 18:04

Sounds frustrating. We could be stuck in this lockdown situation or something like it for a good few months. So I think you need to give people plenty of space, and let them do their own thing. The most important thing is for people to get on. You don't want bad relations when no-one is able to get out of the house. And remember that there is a degree of stress involved in this situation for everyone, which they are trying to deal with in their own way. In our family, I've found that things have developed, as people have become more used to and accepting of the situation, and have started to develop new routines.

LilacTree1 · 13/04/2020 18:04

I think you need to cook and launder for yourself only.

Tell them that continues till they do their chores.

Nancydrawn · 13/04/2020 18:18

It sounds as if your days lack structure; structure will make this feel better.

Normally I'm opposed to family schedules, but in this situation, they're crucial. And they don't have to be rigid.

So, e.g.

Everyone up by 10
Do what you want 10-12
Lunch (no electronics; tv together is fine) 12-12.30
Chores (everyone) 12.30-1.00
Do what you want 1.00-5.00
Cook/help cooking 5.00-5.30
Dinner together (no electronics) 5.30-6.00
Wash up/tidy 6.00-6.15
Do what you want 6.15-8.00
Cards/family movie 8.00-10.00
Do what you want until tomorrow morning

That's almost 8 hours of do whatever you want time between 10 am and 8 pm. Even a 16-year-old can't object to that.

And it'll give shape to the day. You can pick what goes in the slots for you, if you want something more regimented. So, e.g., you can do DIY in the morning slot and read an edifying book after dinner. But you don't get to mess with their slotstheir slots can be spent staring at the wall for all you care. (Unless your daughter has school stuff to doyou get to insist on that.)

As for your daughter and the phone, I can't imagine how hard it is to be without any friends at 16. It's her lifeline; give her a break.

vanillandhoney · 13/04/2020 18:22

I can't think of anything worse than an enforced "Family schedule".

rvby · 13/04/2020 18:30

OP you say they've always been this way, this isn't new.

I think lockdown may be bringing into focus the fact that your family life isn't very nice for you.

YABU to expect your family to suddenly change. They are doing as they've always done... possibly you've had a fantasy in your head that if things were less busy, your family would become a warmer, happier place for you... you may have been lying to yourself for quite a while in order to get through each day.

Now you're faced with the stark reality that actually, they treat you like a skivvy because they think you're a skivvy. Not because they are too busy to engage with you etc.

If I were you, I'd accept them as they are, and work on things you can control - that is, your own behaviour. Stop doing do much for them. Stop cooking for them. Sit down and work out the things that you want to do on your own, for you, and start doing them.

I admit I did roll my eyes when you said you had been avoiding doing you own thing. Please don't try to enforce jolly family togetherness on them at the expense of activities you could be doing yourself. They're clearly showing you they wouldn't do the same for you - don't martyr yourself.

BlueJava · 13/04/2020 18:53

People cope in different ways I think. Personally I still get up at 7am ish, we are both lucky enough to have work (from home) 5 days a week. DP reads a lot, watches videos, films etc I am learning Cyrillic and doing exams for work plus so much housework (because I love it!) But our sons are mostly on their phones, gaming (a lot!), video chatting with their friends. If they want to game all night, sleep in the day and watch films/TV then I just let them. They have both had A levels taken away which they were obviously expecting to do in May/June which is a huge change. I think you have to chill a bit and let them come through in their own way.

Pomegranatemolasses · 13/04/2020 18:58

@Nancydrawn are you actually implementing this schedule with your family, and all are compliant with it?

It sounds like my idea of hell, utterly ott and controlling.

LilacTree1 · 13/04/2020 19:05

“ I can't think of anything worse than an enforced "Family schedule".

This.

Pinkblueberry · 13/04/2020 19:09

I was inclined to think the same as you Pomegranate but actually that schedule does include a lot of free time. I would personally prefer to just say lunch and tea at these times and make sure you help with x y and z so it’s not quite so prescriptive. We watch tv together most evenings anyway so I wouldn’t schedule that, and I think a couple of evenings a week it’s fair enough to want to retreat at that time and watch or read your own thing. But as Nancy says even a teen can’t reasonably object to what’s on there (except maybe the up by 10... teens love a long lie in).