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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In feeling upset about Ex's lack of contact?

63 replies

jojobar · 11/04/2020 10:50

I split up with partner of 6 years this week after he laid hands on me by in an argument. He walked out back to his own home and I've heard nothing from him since.

I know we are over. I've forgiven lots of things in the past including infidelity but I can't get past this, nor should I.

But I thought he might feel some guilt, some sadness, make at least an attempt to reach out. He's done nothing. No contact whatsoever. I don't think he realises he's done anything wrong, nor that he will make any contact.

I wouldn't take him back. It wouldn't change my mind. But I'm so sad and hurt...and thinking he valued what we had so little, that just makes it worse.

Many years ago I had an Ex who was physical with me a couple of times...he was very upset after both times and promised to change. We then split up at my instigation, and he was distraught. It didn't change my mind at all but it did make it less bad somehow, like at least he knew what a dick he'd been and what he lost.

AIBU to think my recent Ex should at least have been in touch by now?

OP posts:

mumme111 · 11/04/2020 10:51

He might be embarrassed and seeking help or maybe keeping distance as not to hurt you anymore? Not sure on this one sorry hope your ok x

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 11:20

Not really ok, no. Really sad about the whole thing. I did expect to hear something from him.

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 11/04/2020 12:05

Would it make things any better if he did get in touch? I know it's really hard but you need to try and focus on something else.

He's done exactly what you've asked, he's left. Now you need to decide what you want to do in the future

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:19

It wouldn't change anything but it would let me know that at least he gave a crap. It rather feels like the last 6 years were pointless.

I'm not sure how to focus on anything else, this is all I can think about.

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 11/04/2020 12:23

I'm sure he does care and is probably gutted. Getting in touch with you might be too painful.

If he's been unfaithful in the past, this is a good opportunity for you to move on

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 11/04/2020 12:27

Oh wow- take this and run with it! You don’t need him to contact you. You’re rid of him. Bend down and kiss the ground and thank your lucky stars you’re free. Pray to never hear from him again. Honestly- your life is better for every day you don’t have to deal with him.

megletthesecond · 11/04/2020 12:29

What chandler said. Don't look back.

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:30

I don't have any family or any close friends, he was my best and closest friend. I feel very alone right now.

OP posts:

timetest · 11/04/2020 12:33

Why let him back in your life? He was a violent man not your best friend.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 11/04/2020 12:33

See it as a blessing, there are so many threads in here of women petrified of abusive ex’s who stalk them and make moving forward near impossible they feel the need to hide. Harassing you and saying sorry doesn’t prove love and respect, actions do and he’s left you to move on. See this as a good thing.

opticaldelusion · 11/04/2020 12:34

You were together six years and you only split up a week ago. Of course you're feeling sad and shit. That doesn't mean his getting in touch is a good idea.

Marlena1 · 11/04/2020 12:35

Maybe he is shocked and embarrassed (which he should be). While I know it would be nice to have him acknowledge what he did, it might actually be easier to have a clean break. Well done on standing your ground!

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:36

All it proves to me is that he never loved me. He wouldn't have treated me as he did.

It's very hard to realise this, the longest and best relationship in my life, was built on nothing. That no one outside of family has ever loved me.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 11/04/2020 12:37

Btw if he does call- DONT ANSWER. If he texts or emails- DONT ANSWER.

In fact- block him on all forms of contact.

AND DO NOT CONTACT HIM!

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:39

I'm not intending to contact him. I'd like him to contact me but he won't. I guess I just need to forget about it all and move on, somehow.

OP posts:

MrHaroldFry · 11/04/2020 12:44

It is a subtle form of coercive control. He doesn't contact you because he wants the thrill of you texting or calling him so he knows he is in a power position.

Please... do not fall into this trap.
You need to summon all of your strength, dig deep. Find your self confidence and plough on through. It will not be easy. But I promise you... it will be worth it in the long run.

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.”

The new you starts with you!

You have the power to change the course of your life. You control your actions, habits, and the way you view the world.

Leave him behind and create a new and better future.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2020 12:44

When you say 'this week', how many days ago?

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 11/04/2020 12:45

Ok- let’s say he did contact you- but he didn’t say what you needed to hear- because it’s entirely possible he’s angry with you and thinks you were in the wrong (to clarify- I don’t think this- you were 100% right) and where does that leave you? You still didn’t get what you wanted and now you’ve even more feelings of negativity and upset. You don’t need to give him the power to do that to you. You have the power over how you feel- don’t hand it over to someone who has physically abused you. They never deserve it.

Cloudyapples · 11/04/2020 12:47

He doesn’t contact you because to do so tell you he was wrong. He wants you to start questioning if actually you did something wrong/it was your fault. Could those also be partly why you want to hear from him? With the first ex hearing from him reassure you he was wrong to do what he did and you were never to blame for his actions. Which you are not. But in this case him not admitting he was wrong gives more control over you as you question yourself?

Wrinklesareenhancing · 11/04/2020 12:48

All it proves if he gets in contact is that he doesn’t respect your wishes. You seem to want him to to that?
I understand what you’re saying, but him contacting you should not be a positive. He also may know you will tell him to swing his hook so he’s saving himself the humiliation

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:48

It all happened on Tuesday, so 4 days ago.

I don't think him contacting me and bring angry would be much worse, it would just confirm his lack of feelings for me which I already know.

OP posts:

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 12:50

Realising that he didn't love me is pretty hard to face. Even after his infidelity I kidded myself he loved me, but he clearly never did.

It's making me ask why not?

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 11/04/2020 12:52

which I already know.

So no need for him to get in touch.

Block him. Draw a line under it and start afresh today.

Yesmate · 11/04/2020 12:54

He is doing you a favour. Probably the best thing he has done for you. You did the right thing and it is far easier to get over someone when they aren’t around. Be proud of yourself.
6 years haven’t been wasted, you a have learnt a lot even if you don’t see it now

blubberball · 11/04/2020 12:55

I hope that you can move on to a brighter future. Thank goodness you're safe from him now. Take care.

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