Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

In feeling upset about Ex's lack of contact?

63 replies

jojobar · 11/04/2020 10:50

I split up with partner of 6 years this week after he laid hands on me by in an argument. He walked out back to his own home and I've heard nothing from him since.

I know we are over. I've forgiven lots of things in the past including infidelity but I can't get past this, nor should I.

But I thought he might feel some guilt, some sadness, make at least an attempt to reach out. He's done nothing. No contact whatsoever. I don't think he realises he's done anything wrong, nor that he will make any contact.

I wouldn't take him back. It wouldn't change my mind. But I'm so sad and hurt...and thinking he valued what we had so little, that just makes it worse.

Many years ago I had an Ex who was physical with me a couple of times...he was very upset after both times and promised to change. We then split up at my instigation, and he was distraught. It didn't change my mind at all but it did make it less bad somehow, like at least he knew what a dick he'd been and what he lost.

AIBU to think my recent Ex should at least have been in touch by now?

OP posts:

Panpastels · 11/04/2020 12:58

He is doing you a favour. Block him then if he did contact you you won't get sucked back in.

Groovinpeanut · 11/04/2020 12:58

It's obvious he doesn't care. He wouldn't have put hands on you if he did!
Count your blessings that he's gone. You've shown strength in telling him to go, keep strong and let him stay gone. Nothing he could ever say would make what he did right. Look to the future.

WestCountryLady · 11/04/2020 13:02

He's probably waiting for you to contact him, this saves him the apologies and explaining himself, and this way you contact him so you do the talking and he doesn't have to.

He might also be giving you time to calm down and hoping it will blow over.

You absolutely did the right thing and you know you have, he isn't worth any more of your time or energy, concentrate on you now and this new start you have.

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 13:02

Sorry I don't feel I have much to look forward to right now - I thought we'd be together the rest of our lives (we had plans for early retirement etc and now I'm on my own).

I know we are over. I know I wasn't ever loved. I'm just struggling to take it all in and can't help wishing it was different.

OP posts:

Wrinklesareenhancing · 11/04/2020 13:34

I know I wasn't ever loved that’s not necessarily the case. The only thing him not contacting you shows is that he is either stubborn, or he no longer cares, I think the former is more likely. He knows it punishes you. Don’t fall into the trap of letting it.

You’ve got to shake yourself and find the resolve not to value yourself by the action of others.

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 13:49

Having no one to love me is something that's been held over me my whole life. As a teenager, I never had a boyfriend. In my 20s and 30s when everyone I knew was getting married, I lost my parents. And none of my relationships were particularly successful or long lasting nor ever had any chance of ending in marriage. And then in my 40s I've had this relationship. Which looking back now is as much of a disaster as the others and was never going anywhere.

Like a 'friend' said to me years ago 'you must be sad that no one loves you enough to marry you/ thinks you're worth a long term relationship'.

For the last 6 years I've told myself he was different. Not sure he was really.

OP posts:

Wrinklesareenhancing · 11/04/2020 14:41

Like a 'friend' said to me years ago 'you must be sad that no one loves you enough to marry you/ thinks you're worth a long term relationship

What a horrible and nasty thing to say.

To be honest OP reading some of the posts on here, being happy on your own would seem the better option than a shit relationship that many seem to have. Easy to say I know, but being on your own can be a blessing too.

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 17:08

I do know some real arseholes. And not just the ones I've been in relationships with.

I've been a bit self pitying. Trying to be more positive and look forward not back. Though that's not easy when we're stuck in this lockdown limbo!

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 11/04/2020 17:23

I’m wondering whether there is a slightly more manipulative reason for him not contacting you. I think he’s thinking that if he doesn’t contact you, you’ll last a week before begging him to come back.

Also, please stop thinking that it’s your fault that you’ve not had a successful relationship. You’ve met some massive dickheads. It’s them who has something wrong with them, not you.

PumpkinP · 11/04/2020 17:32

Surely it’s a good thing he hasn’t contacted you? Would you rather he was begging for you back?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/04/2020 17:41

@jojobar you need to learn to be happy with and to love yourself first

Then and only then think about relationships

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 18:07

I am quite happy with myself. I think I'm a great person, I like my own company, I've spent most of my life alone so not being in a relationship doesn't worry me as much. What has frustrated me is that when I've chosen to let someone into my life they have always failed to appreciate and value me. That's disappointing when I see others in good long term relationships, where their partners are committed, generous, reliable, honest etc.

OP posts:

primeexampleof · 11/04/2020 18:35

Sounds VERY MUCH to me like manipulation.
He is trying to make you feel alone and want him back.
Do Not Let Him Win.

And maybe get some therapy, two abusive relationships is not great. Treat yourself better.

Original poster

jojobar · 11/04/2020 19:18

The past abuse was nearly 20 years ago now. It was a completely different scale to this - I feel that what happened here was an early warning that I now know well enough (and am in a good enough financial position) not to ignore. And we've been together 6 years. He's never shown any sign of violence towards me before, and I know he hasn't in previous relationships. He's a hot tempered person, as am I, but he's not usually aggressive. This was out of character but given everything that's already happened it was a step too far and I can't risk it getting any worse so we have to remain over.

OP posts:

Original poster

jojobar · 13/04/2020 10:14

Still not heard from him. It's nearly a week now.

Not sure if he's deliberately waiting because he's punishing me as pp have said, or if he just can't be bothered. We are still over though, I haven't changed my mind on that.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 13/04/2020 10:17

Still not heard from him.

Well, no, because you’ve blocked him on everything, right?

PumpkinP · 13/04/2020 15:28

You haven't heArd from him because you broke up with him and it's over, I'm honestly not sure why you are expecting him to contact you, are you hoping he will beg you back so you can get back together? Otherwise you would be happy not to hear from him

Outtedagain · 13/04/2020 15:41

He is waiting for you to contact him. If you ask him back, he is doing you a favour, and you would indebted to him. Don’t do that to yourself.

Original poster

jojobar · 13/04/2020 20:40

He did contact me today.

I realised that my recollection of events was not entirely accurate. So I decided that if he was prepared to apologise for what he did (it fell short of pushing me but he did admit he did it in response to my arguing with hin) and acknowledge it was wrong, that I'd be willing to at least talk to him and see if we could resolve the issues that led to the original argument.

However he said any apology would be meaningless and he didn't think he was wrong although he could see why with my background I might think that. So we are broken up. He said he hoped I was happy that my ridiculous feminist man hating principles had caused the breakup of our relationship.

Fucking cunt. Seriously I can't believe I was even willing to talk to him and he couldn't be bothered to apologise.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 13/04/2020 20:47

Yeah, well, I’m not sure what you expected tbh. I did say you won’t hear what you want to hear from him. So have you blocked him now?

Original poster

jojobar · 13/04/2020 21:18

I didn't actually expect him to contact me. Given that he had, I thought he'd at least agree to apologise and concede my pov. I was wrong.

OP posts:

PumpkinP · 13/04/2020 21:25

Well it was pretty clear that you was disappointed he hadn't contacted you because you wanted to get back with him.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 13/04/2020 21:29

I didn't actually expect him to contact me

You did though! That was the whole point of your thread- that you expected him to get in touch and he hadn’t.

Original poster

jojobar · 13/04/2020 21:31

I wanted him to acknowledge what he'd done. That's not the same as wanting to get back with him. If that was what I wanted I had the opportunity today.

OP posts:

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 13/04/2020 21:32

I’m very glad he didn’t apologise tbh OP because it’s very clear you were willing to let his version of events stand as “true” and you were going to take him back. Thank goodness he didn’t apologise and you’re still safely away from him.

Flip

1 2 3