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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this just isn't a normal relationship

63 replies

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 07:50

Name changed for this, due to obvious reasons.

I know all relationships are different and what works for one person doesn't for another, but I don't know how I've gotten to this point and I just feel a bit lost as to how I change things now.

We've been together 8 years, have a toddler with another on the way.
DH smokes weed every night. It's been the cause of I'd say, 95% of our arguments since we've been together. He'll stop for a short while, then back to it. He doesn't drink and in his opinion it's no different than having a glass of wine at night. He has a good job, works hard, is an excellent father and never ever smokes around our ds. He is great around the house and keeps things ticking over fairly well, goes to the gym regularly and looks after himself aside from this one thing. So in the grand scheme of things he does have a well balanced life and when he gives his reasoning for it I find it hard to come back with a counter argument.
But on the other hand I just have a problem with it. It isn't because it's illegal, when I was younger I dabbled with recreational drugs but luckily I don't have an addictive personality so it's never been something I've struggled with, and since having children I just don't get involved with that kind of thing anymore. I just find it very hard to respect someone who HAS to have something to get through the day. Yes he manages it well but the second our ds is in bed he's rolling a spliff and it's the mundane predictability of it that really grinds me.
Now I know lots of people have different things they just MUST have at night. A glass of wine, some chocolate etc, but I know if it was alcohol I'd be feeling exactly the same too.
Anyway, one of the repercussions of him smoking weed daily is it makes him snore like a banshee so our agreement is that he will sleep in the spare room when he smokes. But obviously this means that we don't share a bed EVER. There has been times where he'll be in the family bed once a week or twice at a push, but for the last 4 months at least he hadn't slept in the same bed.
I feel like we're lodgers. I have no desire for him as I find the addictive tenancies a real turn off, we're not sleeping in the same room and so sex is basically non existent other than occasionally when I think we 'should', which again is no way to be. We have no foreplay, we barely kiss other than a peck on the lips in passing and it's gotten to the point where I actually could go without indefinitely. I feel no sexual attraction to him anymore and it's because of this bizarre situation we've allowed ourselves to get into.
I love him and don't even feel like I'm missing out on anything, which is so sad really, because we're both early 30s and I feel like we're living the life of a 70+ year old couple.

So I don't even know what I'm asking really, I don't know how to get out of this lifestyle we've created for ourselves. I don't even know at this point whether if he stopped smoking I'd get back to the point where I want to have sex with him? And I've allowed it to go on this long that I don't even know how to approach the situation and how to put my foot down.

Just for the record, I'm a very forthright person and I'm not meek or a pushover at all, so this is even more embarrassing for me that I've allowed us to get the this point.

Any help of how to word things or move forward would be gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 11/04/2020 07:53

Have you tried laying it all out for him like you have here?

Hazelnutlatteplease · 11/04/2020 07:57

He has a relationship with something else that is and will always be more important than you. You will always be second best. You can lay it out for him all you want, he smokes weed, he isnt going to change

Original poster

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 08:20

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

I have been open about how I feel the relationship has been changed and that I'm not happy and he just says at the moment with being locked in its his one let down and that he'll make an effort to significantly cut back once the lock down is lifted.
But this is the typical pattern 'I'll stop after A, B, C', 'When I finish this course, when I start this job I'll stop'. And he will for a week, two at a push and then straight back into old habits.
I know I'm the fool in all this for not calling it a day sooner but each time he tells me he'll stop I believe him. And honestly, I think he believes himself when he says it.
But then, I could meet someone else who drinks loads or is useless round the house, so I don't know whether I should be happy that all his other traits are positive?

OP posts:

orangejuicer · 11/04/2020 08:22

How is he managing to afford his habit?

Ragwort · 11/04/2020 08:26

You have a toddler and ‘another on the way’? You have known he is like this for 8 years yet have chosen to have another baby with him??

DrierThanANunsNasty · 11/04/2020 08:27

I was in this relationship once - minus kids, thankfully. Whatever I did or said he always had a reason why he wasn’t in the wrong for smoking weed. The fact he said he loved me but couldn’t even cut it down to help our relationship was baffling. We ended up like lodgers and eventually I realised I had to get out. We were supposed to be getting married but weren’t even sleeping together because of him smoking (pretty sure it kills sex drive but don’t quote me on that). Anyway, months after getting out of that shitshow I met someone incredible who is now my DH.

Don’t settle, ever.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 11/04/2020 08:27

If he's aware that this is making you significantly unhappy and doing nothing to change it, i think you need to start considering that he doesn't care enough about you to put you first. I know that's a hard thing to face, and im sorry, but I think maybe it's time.

LionsTeeth · 11/04/2020 08:28

Does he smoke in the house? If he does, that would be a real sticking point for me, because second hand smoke is still a danger.

JungleGiraffe · 11/04/2020 08:29

I just find it very hard to respect someone who HAS to have something to get through the day.

I hope you don't drink coffee (or tea), because if you do you're a massive hypocrite.

soannya · 11/04/2020 08:31

I’ve been in the exact same position. It’s like you were describing my life. I did nothing about it and ten years later I’m too old to start again, lonely, trapped. There’s no sleeping together or companionship. No overnight cuddles. My advice is don’t be me. This is a dealbreaker. Don’t accept this sad “not really a life”. I’ve done that “oh I could end up with a drinker” that’s just prevarication though and probably not true. I’ve never dated a drinker so why would that magically happen now. I dated my husband even though I knew he smoked weed because I knew nothing about it. I was naive. I should have finished it then. I would never date a heavy drinker because I KNEW about the impact. I allowed the smoking when it should have been a dealbreaker. Not because it’s illegal or anything like that but because it’s a habit that I personally don’t approve of and don’t enjoy. It’s a turn off. When he’s smoking (like if he was drinking) I’m then talking to an unreal version of him. I didn’t realise that much of the early part of our relationship, the fun chilled sweet him was in fact stoned him. I just didn’t get it. I was thick and stupid and gullible. I would NEVER date a cocaine user so why did I accept this into my life? Don’t let it dominate your life. There will be somebody out there that you are more compatible with. Any other life is just wasted and painful. Don’t be me. Cut it dead now. You’ve still got time to start again. Take it.

NurseButtercup · 11/04/2020 08:35

I hate to say this, but I think your relationship has run its course.
He is choosing to smoke every night = sleeping apart every night
Sleeping apart = no intimacy.

He's showing you what he believes is more important.

JungleGiraffe · 11/04/2020 08:36

He has a good job, works hard, is an excellent father and never ever smokes around our ds. He is great around the house and keeps things ticking over fairly well, goes to the gym regularly and looks after himself aside from this one thing. So in the grand scheme of things he does have a well balanced life

He sounds great to me. If you can't appreciate him then set him free so he can find someone who does. It sounds like neither of you are happy and men rarely instigate divorce so you'll probably have to get the ball rolling. Good luck!

wineandroses1 · 11/04/2020 08:36

junglegiraffe how can you compare coffee/tea to drugs? Don’t be stupid just for the sake of it.

JungleGiraffe · 11/04/2020 08:39

@wineandroses1 Caffeine is a drug -
An addictive stimulant. If you didn't know that then you're the stupid one.

Original poster

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 08:42

Ragwort

Yes I chose to have children with him because I love him, he's a wonderful father and as I said, when he gives his reasons I feel like oh okay fair enough well this is his one downfall and maybe it's not that bad. I can potter on without even thinking about it for weeks or months and it's only when I stop and think this isn't normal that it hits me. I guess I stick my head in the sand 90% of the time because it makes it easier to do that.

JungleGiraffe

No I don't drink tea or coffee, I have an intolerance to caffeine and most other substances to be honest. It's probably why I don't have an addictive personality to be honest.

LionsTeeth

No he's never smoked in the house.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 11/04/2020 08:46

What a shame that his problem with weed is the only issue when in every other respect he is a good dad and partner. But it's the knock on effect , the snoring , the lack of sex then because you aren't having sex the intimacy is going. It's ridiculous he is choosing weed over sharing a bed with you. I think it's ultimatum time , have a serious chat and tell him you are not happy and you won't put up with it he needs to give up completely for good or the relationship is over. You can't carry on like this.

Nanny0gg · 11/04/2020 08:48

Are you married?

I'm sorry, but this is the man you chose. He hasn't changed, you have.
It's up to you whether you can live like this or not as he is obviously quite happy with things as they are.

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 08:50

I'm wondering why this is a problem now when it wasn't for the first seven and a half years and through the decisions to have two babies.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 11/04/2020 08:52

Get a divorce. Then:

He can be an excellent parent 50% of the time.

You can be good friends, and co-parents, without the constant disappointment of an expectation of intimacy.

You can (if you want) find someone else - who won't need to have the parenting skills of your husband.

lmcneil003 · 11/04/2020 08:53

He sounds great. Read this again and ask yourself what's wrong with you.

soannya · 11/04/2020 08:54

I’m guessing it’s a problem now because the lack of sleeping together and intimacy and normal life stuff is taking its toll. It’s easy to ignore for a while but it’s now just getting too much

Original poster

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 08:55

He sounds great. Read this again and ask yourself what's wrong with you.

Well, I'm in a completely passionless relationship.

OP posts:

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/04/2020 08:55

How much is he smoking? If he isn't doing it in the house and not before the kids go to bed then it can't really be that much.
Why do people always think that they can change someone. He smoked weed you knew this and yet you happily married him and had kids with him.

soannya · 11/04/2020 08:57

Has nobody else read what the op has written! Yes she says he has a good job etc but the weed means he snores so they spend no nights together for months on end and they have no intimacy. What’s the point in that? Lonely and boring! What’s the point in being with somebody regardless of how “good” they are if they are constantly stoned and there’s never any nighttime connection going on!!

Craftycorvid · 11/04/2020 09:01

The issue seems to be the lack of intimacy - not just sexual intimacy. I’m not getting much sense from your posts, OP, that you and he really do much communicating. Was it always like this or has it increased over time?

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