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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this just isn't a normal relationship

63 replies

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 07:50

Name changed for this, due to obvious reasons.

I know all relationships are different and what works for one person doesn't for another, but I don't know how I've gotten to this point and I just feel a bit lost as to how I change things now.

We've been together 8 years, have a toddler with another on the way.
DH smokes weed every night. It's been the cause of I'd say, 95% of our arguments since we've been together. He'll stop for a short while, then back to it. He doesn't drink and in his opinion it's no different than having a glass of wine at night. He has a good job, works hard, is an excellent father and never ever smokes around our ds. He is great around the house and keeps things ticking over fairly well, goes to the gym regularly and looks after himself aside from this one thing. So in the grand scheme of things he does have a well balanced life and when he gives his reasoning for it I find it hard to come back with a counter argument.
But on the other hand I just have a problem with it. It isn't because it's illegal, when I was younger I dabbled with recreational drugs but luckily I don't have an addictive personality so it's never been something I've struggled with, and since having children I just don't get involved with that kind of thing anymore. I just find it very hard to respect someone who HAS to have something to get through the day. Yes he manages it well but the second our ds is in bed he's rolling a spliff and it's the mundane predictability of it that really grinds me.
Now I know lots of people have different things they just MUST have at night. A glass of wine, some chocolate etc, but I know if it was alcohol I'd be feeling exactly the same too.
Anyway, one of the repercussions of him smoking weed daily is it makes him snore like a banshee so our agreement is that he will sleep in the spare room when he smokes. But obviously this means that we don't share a bed EVER. There has been times where he'll be in the family bed once a week or twice at a push, but for the last 4 months at least he hadn't slept in the same bed.
I feel like we're lodgers. I have no desire for him as I find the addictive tenancies a real turn off, we're not sleeping in the same room and so sex is basically non existent other than occasionally when I think we 'should', which again is no way to be. We have no foreplay, we barely kiss other than a peck on the lips in passing and it's gotten to the point where I actually could go without indefinitely. I feel no sexual attraction to him anymore and it's because of this bizarre situation we've allowed ourselves to get into.
I love him and don't even feel like I'm missing out on anything, which is so sad really, because we're both early 30s and I feel like we're living the life of a 70+ year old couple.

So I don't even know what I'm asking really, I don't know how to get out of this lifestyle we've created for ourselves. I don't even know at this point whether if he stopped smoking I'd get back to the point where I want to have sex with him? And I've allowed it to go on this long that I don't even know how to approach the situation and how to put my foot down.

Just for the record, I'm a very forthright person and I'm not meek or a pushover at all, so this is even more embarrassing for me that I've allowed us to get the this point.

Any help of how to word things or move forward would be gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:

Poetryinaction · 11/04/2020 09:02

It's not the smoking, it's the relationship. You need to decide together if you are beter out than in. My relationship is similar. Worse in some ways. But we are on the same page. We love our kids, house, life. We are just exhausted and have no time for each other. We are better in than out, and I'm hoping things improve. If not I will reassess. But tread carefully. If you love him and respect him and enjoy your life, that is a lot to lose.

Strugglingtodomybest · 11/04/2020 09:03

I can potter on without even thinking about it for weeks or months and it's only when I stop and think this isn't normal that it hits me.

Is the problem then that you think this is not normal? I mean, if it were to be thought of as normal, would you be happy then? Because every relationship is different, there is no normal, you should do what works for you as a couple.

I just find it very hard to respect someone who HAS to have something to get through the day.

I think this is a bit harsh tbh, not everyone has your non-additive genes!

I feel like we're lodgers.

This is not good. Have you considered couples counselling. I know it's the go to suggestion on MN but it worked for me and my DH.

Babdoc · 11/04/2020 09:03

I think the lockdown is making a lot of women take stock of their marriages. Cooped up with DH, no social outlets, no time apart, the cracks begin to show. And grow.
It sounds to me that you have fallen out of love with this man. You describe your relationship as lodgers - and indeed, without sex, love, shared affection and mutual respect, that is virtually all you are.
Your DH has an addiction. And like all addicts, his substance of choice comes first in his life. If it’s more important to him to smoke weed than to sleep with his wife, or meet any of her sexual and emotional needs, then this marriage is over in all but name.
OP, I think you need to get through your pregnancy and the lockdown, get back your strength after the birth, then plan what you want to do. Discuss the options with DH, and be very plain about what YOU need from him and the marriage. If he cannot stick to that, or just makes vague promises for future improvement that never materialise, then it’s up to you if you choose to cut your losses and divorce him.
He can still co parent and be a good dad to his kids - assuming that he actually is.
It’s absolutely your call, as to how you want your future to be.

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 09:04

Well, I'm in a completely passionless relationship.

But that's a situation you have orchestrated.

Thehop · 11/04/2020 09:05

I couldn’t live like this and it sounds like you can’t wither. Imagine in 20 years looking back. What will you wish you had done?

Life’s too short to be this unhappy.

Dontunderestimateme · 11/04/2020 09:07

It does sound rubbish. You need to decide whether you can put up with this for the rest of your life or not.

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 09:09

Your DH has an addiction. And like all addicts, his substance of choice comes first in his life. If it’s more important to him to smoke weed than to sleep with his wife, or meet any of her sexual and emotional needs, then this marriage is over in all but name.

I think it's more complicated than that. He is providing for his family. It's not an addiction that prevents him from working, earning, parenting, doing housework etc. His evening joint sounds like a lot of people's glass of wine or morning cup of coffee. It wouldn't be for me, so I wouldn't choose to go out with someone who smoked (anything) and definitely wouldn't have children with them, but I do feel sympathy for him. I think it's the OP that has moved the goal posts. I think she's using his daily joint as a object to focus other dissatisfactions on.

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 09:10

It does sound rubbish. You need to decide whether you can put up with this for the rest of your life or not.

The main problem appears to be sleeping in separate beds. It's the OP that's said, "it's me sex or the joint".

Rabblemum · 11/04/2020 09:33

This is difficult, your hubby sounds great in many ways other than the weed. I attract addicts but like you I don’t get addicted. I’ve noticed weed heads are often blotting out emotions and weed replaces other human beings, this may explain your lack of closeness.

Not being intimate would be a problem on its own but the weed just makes it more complicated. You need to talk about this problem. I’ve noticed when we’d heads give up they get their emotions back and can’t sleep so it's harder than people believe.

You really need to talk about this problem, he needs to realise a loving relationship can be better than spending every night stoned.

Rabblemum · 11/04/2020 09:35

I don’t agree, weed heads often prefer weed to close relationships.

Reginabambina · 11/04/2020 09:38

Let’s carry on his analogy then. If this were a glass of wine he’d be an alcoholic. It’s perfectly reasonable to ask an addict to seek help.

Bellringer · 11/04/2020 09:40

You can sleep apart but still have sex or have no sex but still be close. One or both of you are avoiding intimacy, weed/addiction may be part of it. Try relate couple counselling, he may need help with his habit. Speak clearly and spell out consequences

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 11/04/2020 09:51

Get some earbuds to cope with the snoring.

You need to either accept his smoking and get off his back about it or leave him. You can't have one foot in and one foot out.

You knew he had this habit when you got with him. You made a conscious and sober decision to have a relationship and children with him.

You're letting your need to control this one aspect of his being ruin your relationship.

If it's truly not harming anything, he isn't lacking as a dad or a partner, then you need to take a look at what you're allowing nothing to do to your relationship.

WestCountryLady · 11/04/2020 09:58

What is he doing in the spare room? Porn? Chatting to other women? If you're not having sex how is he compensating for that.

My dh snores but we still share a bed as I'd miss snuggling up to him snoring or not.

You have to think about what you want and what he wants and think if you're compatible or can compromise and make this work or what's the point if you're unhappy he probably is too.

Original poster

NC0998877 · 11/04/2020 10:06

Thanks for all the replies.

I absolutely appreciate all his wonderful traits and I also appreciate that I don't have an addictive personality and therefore I might come across as blunt or insensitive. This is why I've allowed myself to carry on for so long, as I convince myself that perhaps I'm being unreasonable or something.

We are very good at communicating on the whole, but never about weed. Whenever I try and have a conversation about it he just minimises my feelings, makes grand promises that are always broken, brushes it off, tells me it's fine I'll sort it out. If I then try and talk more and say but nothing ever changes then he gets very defensive and angry, often gets quite shouty and can be nasty and cruel. He never speaks to me like this about anything else and afterwards will always apologise and accept that he gets defensive because he knows he needs to change etc etc. Then he'll make these plans, tell me he'll try and seek help and whatnot and before the fortnight is out we'll be back to square one again.

I try to move on, bury my head in the sand, we'll carry on for a few months and then I'll wake up one day feeling really down about it (cue today's post).

I know even writing this down that the answer is I need to walk away if he doesn't change. I just hope and believe each time that things will be different.

OP posts:

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 10:17

Have you tried counselling?

Luc1nda · 11/04/2020 10:18

I know even writing this down that the answer is I need to walk away if he doesn't change. I just hope and believe each time that things will be different.

This may be true, but I'm not 100% convinced. I feel that there may be other solutions.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 11/04/2020 10:19

Have you tried telling him you'll leave if he doesnt change, and meaning it?

Umnoway · 11/04/2020 10:20

Weed is honestly a nightmare. I know people love to paint it as a harmless drug but it’s actually extremely dangerous. It may not kill people in the way other ‘harder’ drugs do but it destroys mental health and also memory. I couldn’t and wouldn’t date a weed addict again, they’re always lazy and selfish bastards.

Leave him, this won’t improve unless he quits and he seems unwilling to.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/04/2020 10:27

Well the OPs DH doesn't sound like a lazy and selfish bastard. As with everything there are levels. How much is he smoking OP?

Ohdearymeshame · 11/04/2020 10:31

It's about having a dependency and not being able to function without it.

He won't give it up because he can't.

The habit comes first.

He needs help because he has a consistent dependency he puts before anything else.

Thatbloodybear · 11/04/2020 10:31

I could have written your post if I swapped weed for alcohol.
DP drinks far too much, he'd say he's not doing any harm, but it's made me lose all respect for him. Like you I knew at the start that he drank, but assumed that as we had dc that would take a back seat. His drinking doesn't have a major impact on our lives we can afford it, he has a good job etc, but I don't want to be sat around when I'm 60 with a piss head.
I don't look forward to child free time with him and having "dates" cringe phrase I know, as he'll just want to centre it around drinking.
No advice, but you have my sympathy

LolaDarkdestroyer · 11/04/2020 10:31

Yet you are having another baby with him....

Onesmallstep67 · 11/04/2020 10:33

Whilst I concur with many of the really valid points people are making about his addiction and the impact it's having on your life, I don't think this is the right time to be making big decisions about leaving him. Firstly you have a toddler and are expecting a second DC. From what you describe most aspects of home life are reasonable. Surely to put yourself into a new scenario at this stage is not the best timing? I know that I would rather have him there as the new DC arrives, particularly as you say he is an excellent father. The disruption at this point would be too much to handle in my opinion.
Instead I would talk to him, make clear your feelings and if possible take steps to reinstate some intimacy .
A lot of what people have written about addiction and choices he's making though resonates with me. Sadly my DH was a drinker. Lovely man, great father but often put alcohol before me. He passed away several years ago from bowel cancer which was probably linked to his drinking. I should have acted more decisively than I did before he reached that fate. But for you OP now isn't the right time to act. Get your new DC here safely and then see what life is like.

VenusTiger · 11/04/2020 10:36

OP, I'm guessing that you thought he'd 'grow out of it' by now - and it's not weed (showing my age), weed is nothing like skunk - I can imagine how annoying it must be for you as soon as he sparks up - like you may as well go to bed on your own now then - your child is in bed and instead of starting the evening together, he casts you aside for his vice - that's no fun at all. I get it.
How is he managing to get hold of it anyway now?

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