To think this just isn't a normal relationship

[NC0998877]

Name changed for this, due to obvious reasons.

I know all relationships are different and what works for one person doesn't for another, but I don't know how I've gotten to this point and I just feel a bit lost as to how I change things now.

We've been together 8 years, have a toddler with another on the way.
DH smokes weed every night. It's been the cause of I'd say, 95% of our arguments since we've been together. He'll stop for a short while, then back to it. He doesn't drink and in his opinion it's no different than having a glass of wine at night. He has a good job, works hard, is an excellent father and never ever smokes around our ds. He is great around the house and keeps things ticking over fairly well, goes to the gym regularly and looks after himself aside from this one thing. So in the grand scheme of things he does have a well balanced life and when he gives his reasoning for it I find it hard to come back with a counter argument.
But on the other hand I just have a problem with it. It isn't because it's illegal, when I was younger I dabbled with recreational drugs but luckily I don't have an addictive personality so it's never been something I've struggled with, and since having children I just don't get involved with that kind of thing anymore. I just find it very hard to respect someone who HAS to have something to get through the day. Yes he manages it well but the second our ds is in bed he's rolling a spliff and it's the mundane predictability of it that really grinds me.
Now I know lots of people have different things they just MUST have at night. A glass of wine, some chocolate etc, but I know if it was alcohol I'd be feeling exactly the same too.
Anyway, one of the repercussions of him smoking weed daily is it makes him snore like a banshee so our agreement is that he will sleep in the spare room when he smokes. But obviously this means that we don't share a bed EVER. There has been times where he'll be in the family bed once a week or twice at a push, but for the last 4 months at least he hadn't slept in the same bed.
I feel like we're lodgers. I have no desire for him as I find the addictive tenancies a real turn off, we're not sleeping in the same room and so sex is basically non existent other than occasionally when I think we 'should', which again is no way to be. We have no foreplay, we barely kiss other than a peck on the lips in passing and it's gotten to the point where I actually could go without indefinitely. I feel no sexual attraction to him anymore and it's because of this bizarre situation we've allowed ourselves to get into.
I love him and don't even feel like I'm missing out on anything, which is so sad really, because we're both early 30s and I feel like we're living the life of a 70+ year old couple.

So I don't even know what I'm asking really, I don't know how to get out of this lifestyle we've created for ourselves. I don't even know at this point whether if he stopped smoking I'd get back to the point where I want to have sex with him? And I've allowed it to go on this long that I don't even know how to approach the situation and how to put my foot down.

Just for the record, I'm a very forthright person and I'm not meek or a pushover at all, so this is even more embarrassing for me that I've allowed us to get the this point.

Any help of how to word things or move forward would be gratefully appreciated.

I wouldn't want my kids around that

Potheads with their guilt commenting, you really arnt helping. Having a substance addiction is not in any way normal and extremely unhealthy to relationships. You (potheads) are also the dullest thing on the planet. Tell me, your idea of a good marriage when growing up was to have a husband too lazy to sleep with you cos he fancies a spliff and to go to his own bed in a stupor?

Raise your standards

OP- you arnt being harsh at all, don't ever be convinced that its wrong to think about how you could improve your life, especially during the calmer times before it gets to the point of hating each other/drama.

I have been in your relationship. It will never change.

The lack of sec and intimacy really affected my self esteem too. At first we were having sex but it tailed off as he got more comfortable until we were going weeks without. He would be rushing the kids to bed so he could have a smoke.

I think if you don't smoke it the best thing you can do is split up. We did and we get on fine now as friends and Co parents.

It is would destroying to be with someone who would rather sit in their own smoking than spend any real time with you.

But he's not a good father really is he. He associated himself with people that deal drugs. He's keeping illegal substances in your house. He's not available to the children at night once he's stoned. Picture having to take one of the children to hospital with a stoned husband tagging along.

It's really not the same as having a coffee.

Whatever possessed you to have children with a drug addict. Problem is you can't leave him now or you would have to hand your children over to him at the weekends knowing he will be out of his then when he's meant to care for them at night.

Yes I chose to have children with him because I love him, he's a wonderful father

No he's not, you're just in a little bubble of denial. Fair enough stay with a man who puts illegal drugs above his relationship that's your choice but its your children I feel sorry for, they won't have a choice growing up in the atmosphere. Your child is too little to realise what is going on just now. That won't always be the case. He won't change, if he puts drugs before you he will do the same with them. Just another case of children growing up risking being emotionally damaged. Sad.

You (potheads) are also the dullest thing on the planet. Tell me, your idea of a good marriage when growing up was to have a husband too lazy to sleep with you cos he fancies a spliff and to go to his own bed in a stupor?

Who are you aiming this comment at @user1471565182 ? How is it helpful to the OP when she has already chosen him as husband and father to her kids?

User is aiming it at posters who smoke I assume. She is asking them if they would be happy in the relationship that the OP describes.

They are dull though

What he’s doing sounds no worse than the average person knocking back a bottle of wine each night. The real issue is your lack of a decent relationship.

What he’s doing sounds no worse than the average person knocking back a bottle of wine each night. The real issue is your lack of a decent relationship

Does the fact that weed is still illegal and wine isn't, count at all?

Coming at this from another angle, as it sounds as if the not sharing a bed thing is important for you, have a look for a recent thread on here about couples who never share a bedroom, are happy and still have a good relationship and a sex life. I realise, obviously, though, that this isn't something you've chosen.

48BubblyBarbara

What he’s doing sounds no worse than the average person knocking back a bottle of wine each night.

Since when did the average person knock back a bottle of wine each night. I would say that is a person addicted to alcohol.

Does the fact that weed is still illegal and wine isn't, count at all?

Not in terms of how it affects the relationship, no. It’s a very similar activity and addiction. It’s not as if they would be having mind blowing sex if he was addicted to something legal, their relationship is screwed for other reasons