AIBU to be p***ed off with DH

[fourseatsandasteeringwheel]

Every day it feels like DH and DS (12) argue.
DS is really good and very helpful and patient with DD (3) most of the time. When she is awful to him and occasionally he gets cross with her DH will automatically blame DS.

DH and DS share interests so talk about those frequently. But when they banter or play fight DH always says DS takes it too far. My argument is DH is the adult and should control his reaction to DS's behaviour rather than escalating the situation.

Today we were all playing a game together (DH and DS are both competitive people) DS won some games, DH won some and I won some. DS won a game and nudged DH. DH then pushed DS who staggered back a few steps. DS then stormed off.

I said to DH that I am fed up of every nice time we spend together always being spoiled by the two of them then left the room.

DH came to see me shortly after to ask when my bad mood would be over.

AIBU to be mad at him and think as the adult he is more to blame than DS?

If it is relevant I will say DH has raised DS from age 5. DS calls him dad and DH says son. DD is biologically DH's child.

Post edited by MNHQ

dh is being a knob but you already know that. competing with a step son is not that unusal ime though, the young male cubis challenging the 'leader' and the leader doesn't like it.
look after your dc and stand up to the idiot you married, your dc will thank you for it.

Sadly, before I even read to the bottom I thought I bet he is the stepdad .
You see it quite often, the difference in the way they treat the step and biological child. Not everyone, by a long way. But often enough. I don't think it makes them bad people, I think it's not even a conscious thing.

Yes, he is the adult and he needs to behave like it. This is how scapegoating starts and you're right to knock it in the head right away.

Sadly, before I even read to the bottom I thought I bet he is the stepdad .

Yes me too. He absolutely shouldn’t have pushed him hard enough to make him stagger back.

I also knew from the off he would be a stepdad. And a dick, you need to stand up for your son!!

Yes, me too.

An adult man being too aggressive to a twelve year old kid?

Your DH sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Competitive? Ugh.

Why are you tolerating him shoving your son?

I'd tell him unless he packs it in the marriage will be over

How did we all guess he's be the step Dad op? Because he wouldn't treat his own child the way he is, so why are you letting him treat your like that?

Cinderella syndrome

He pushed a child?! What the fuck

the deliberate pushing things that bit far at the 'end' is him asserting his 'power' with your son.
If your son retaliated in the same fashion or spoke up it would no doubt cause an argument with your DH.
If DS tires of this and steps back - he will be accused of 'not making an effort' by your DH or alienated.

Your DS can't win either way - and your DH knows that.

I too knew he was not the biological father of your older one before I read it. Sorry op, your "d" h is a bully and coming to you afterwards when you had raised your very valid concerns calling it a paddy is gaslighting

Sadly, before I even read to the bottom I thought I bet he is the stepdad

Me too! Why is it that stepfathers become abusive over their stepsons?

I am not saying your DH is abusive but it is definitely not right. I would expect this off a sibling. I would be keeping a very close eye on them both. Your DS is meant to see him as a an adult who he can confide in and trust and no he is protected. Not someone he has to compete with or be afraid of.

The pushing for me would have been way to far and it doesn't even sound like it was in a playful way!

I have to say if my dh shoved ds I would be furious. Even though ds is now taller than dh!! This behaviour isn’t acceptable.

First thought - stepdad.

He's treating him badly because he isn't his son. That's it in a nutshell.

It will get worse as he gets older and pushes the boundary more. I would guess it's also got worse since he had his 'own' child.

You can't let it go I'm afraid - not unless you eventually want to lose your (destroyed) son.

This is your perfect opportunity to tell him enough is enough. He pushed your son. That doesn't happen.

However - it wont solve it, in that what a child needs most of all are parents who have their back, who love unconditionally.

You could stop the subtle bullying, but you won't be able to stop him being a shit stepfather - one who values his own child more and who has an undercurrent of resentment and competition with the child who isn't 'his'. That will affect your son.

A grown man shoved a child hard enough to make him stagger back??... That is just not OK or competitive behaviour!
I wouldn't have time to be on mumsnet as I'd be packing up dh's belongings and launching them out of the door as well as dh!

@fourseatsandasteeringwheel

How are you? Is there any update?

Genuinely I also figured he was his stepson before I got to the end. Sounds like a competitive thing now your son is hitting his teens.

He pushed a child?

Has he apologised, is your DS ok?

I suppose it's a fairly common thing, but it shouldn't be. I made the mistake of letting a man into my life who totally disregarded my son and my relationship with him. Things didn't pan out well, and I've always regretted it and I always will. Having said that, don't be swayed too much based on my experience, as every situation is different. There weren't much else good in my relationship either, so it's about balance.

I am feeling uncomfortable for your DS OP. This isn’t normal behaviour from DH to DS.

So he pushed your son, and is trying to gaslight you, he seems to snap at your son for other stuff (from your comments about DS and DD).

I'd take a good look at other behaviour from your DH. This kind of crap isn't usually found in isolation. And put your DS first, ahead of your DH. Your DH is an adult, can look after himself. Your DS is a child and still needs you to have his back.

What exactly has your son done wrong here that he’s being partially blamed by you? He nudged his father when he won and that’s it?

Your husband on the other hand, nearly pushed him over, and stormed off. Like a big petulant bully.

Your son is not to blame at all . The question. Is why are you trying to put some of it on him for your husbands poor behaviour?