AIBU to be p***ed off with DH

[fourseatsandasteeringwheel]

Every day it feels like DH and DS (12) argue.
DS is really good and very helpful and patient with DD (3) most of the time. When she is awful to him and occasionally he gets cross with her DH will automatically blame DS.

DH and DS share interests so talk about those frequently. But when they banter or play fight DH always says DS takes it too far. My argument is DH is the adult and should control his reaction to DS's behaviour rather than escalating the situation.

Today we were all playing a game together (DH and DS are both competitive people) DS won some games, DH won some and I won some. DS won a game and nudged DH. DH then pushed DS who staggered back a few steps. DS then stormed off.

I said to DH that I am fed up of every nice time we spend together always being spoiled by the two of them then left the room.

DH came to see me shortly after to ask when my bad mood would be over.

AIBU to be mad at him and think as the adult he is more to blame than DS?

If it is relevant I will say DH has raised DS from age 5. DS calls him dad and DH says son. DD is biologically DH's child.

Post edited by MNHQ

What would you do if your husband pushed you so hard that you staggered back?

Or would he not do it to another adult? He just pushes kids about?

Do you think he would do it to his daughter?

He sounds like an immature prick.

VettiyaIruken same here

Your DH shoved your DS, he is being abusive to him. Time for a tough talk with your DH and support your DS please

Part of me hopes this is a fake post.

I don't believe anyone would let an adult push their child in an angry way and blame him for everything and not kick the man out immediately.

I don't know if anyone has watched the case of Gabriel Fernandez (if you haven't then don't as it's very upsetting). It is an extreme case of child abuse which results in death and in the end it talks about other cases that have ended up in death too but it is always at the hands of a stepfather with the mother either joining in or allowing it.

I will never understand how someone could bully or hurt a child but as a mother surely your child comes before the boyfriend!

*@fourseatsandasteeringwheel are you ok? These posts must be hard to read but everyone is right .

Your poor son, you’re standing by as your ‘d’h treats him poorly. As the adult you know you need to tell your ‘d’h that unless he changes instantly you will have to separate. I don’t know why you haven’t done that already. And I assume neither does your son.

Him pushing your ds is domestic violence

Sadly, *@Poppi89 lots of women put men first, including my mother. She chose money over me and if didn't end well. That recent case of a three year old being crushed in a car foot well haunts me still.

My ds 27 still has anger issues from being bullied as a dc by his df.
Ltb or face your ds as an adult and having issues..

Many women put men before their children. Then wonder why their children don't particularly like them as adults.

The pushing part alienated me. The whole play fighting think, then somehow it's the son's fault. DH needs to grow up. It sounds like a sly way of bullying your son.

@SunshineCake That is awful for you! Yes that story haunts me too.

Surely as a parent, you're built to protect your child and care for them above everybody else. It's so sad that some children don't have those types of parents.

I can't imagine having a bully in my home where I'm meant to feel safe and then the one person who is meant to stand up for you doesn't.

@fourseatsandasteeringwheel please don’t use the term “Paddy”. It’s anti-Irish because it plays to an old English stereotype that all Irish people are barbarians incapable of controlling their tempers.

I have seen it plenty of times on Mumsnet but it’s really not OK.

You DH is behaving like a sulky child.

I have a feeling there won't be an update.

Tough truth to handle.

@Piglet89 @fourseatsandasteeringwheel was repeating what her dh said so leave off.

I knew it'd be the stepdad too. How heartbreaking your D's thinks of this horrible bully as his dad. He's not and his behaviour is abusive. You mustn't stand by and allow this to continue.

Do you let other adult males shove your son so hard he staggers?

@SunshineCake I will not indeed leave off: it’s unacceptable even in repetition and it’s not at all clear to me that the inverted commas denote the OP’s disapproval of the phrase itself.

Thanks Piglet. I reported the OP to MN yesterday, I'm surprised the term was allowed to stand.

I feel the OP has got enough going on tbh and there is a kinder where of pointing out it isn't the right thing to say.

'Banter'
'Play fight'
'Competitive'
These are all code words for your husband treating your son horribly and it will only get worse. He clearly has issues with him possibly as he grows into teenage adulthood or is it since he had his own child? Either way he's clearly not treating him like a loving father would. What are you going to do about it?

I feel the OP has got enough going on tbh and there is a kinder where of pointing out it isn't the right thing to say.

Actually I think Piglet was quite restrained.

I reported the post last night in an effort not to derail the thread. MNHQ told me they'd look at it, then decided it was too difficult to edit. They've managed now I've drawn it to their attention again, I doubt it took five minutes from my email this evening.

It's a pretty horrible term and not an acceptable one to use on MN. Usually posts containing it are deleted.

Piglet asked the OP not to use the term and explained why, I don't see what's so wrong with that.

@SunshineCake there’s also a kinder way of challenging us, rather than just essentially “Shut up”.

Would you use the n-word to describe a black person? No - think it’s unacceptable? Don’t use the term “Paddy” then. Hope that helps.