to ask for your silly jokes

[HerRoyalCarbyLess]

for 11 year old DS1. He had a minor heart attack a few days ago. No one knows why, but suspect its related to his floppy valves. (Mitral and aortic regurgitation)
He's home now, but still very weak and tired.
There's nothing we can do other than hope it doesn't happen again. His cardiologist will be in touch to make an appointment once its safe to do so and luckily there doesn't appear to be any lasting damage.

I really want to cheer him up and he loves a silly joke, so hit me with your best.

What's a Teenage Mutant Turtle's favourite chocolate spread?

Donutella

Two cows in a field. One said 'Mooo'. The other said 'Aw. I was just going to say that'

Two sausages in a pan. One says 'hot in here isn't it?' The other says 'Argh!! A talking sausage!!'

I went to the grave of the guy who invented the toothbrush yesterday.
There was no plaque.

Just got back from Sainsbury’s - there was a bloke rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piñatas. I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

An apple pie in Jamaica cost $2 and in Barbados its $1.90
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean

To make working from home feel more like normal, I've been making a cardboard replica of my office.
I've got my work cut out.

A woodpecker just called me paranoid in morse code

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi

My nickname at school was scarface
I was brilliant at knitting

If you can find any Tim Vine gigs on Amazon / Netflix etc they're silly funny.

What's the difference between a bucket of pigs' afterbirth and a bucket of sand?

You can't gargle sand

A bear went into a shop and said
"Can I have an ice cream and a.....
............coke please?"
The shopkeeper said "sure but why the big pause?"
The bear said (looking down)
"Dunno I've always had them!"
Boom boom

Thanks. He's giggling a lot. The sausages one amused him greatly, and the pigs afterbirth/sand one had him questioning his morals as he found it hilarious, then asked me if he was an awful person for laughing at something so disgusting.

I have three jokes for you, two short ones and a long one.

Joke, joke, joooooooooke.

Why can’t ants catch coronavirus?

Because they have little antibodies!

But I don't get the pig one

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick

Why did the bee have it's legs crossed?

It was looking for a BP station!

A man goes to a monastery looking for the head of the community.
He walks past a room where a man is frying potatoes. He stops and asks “Excuse me, are you the friar?”
“No, I’m the chip monk.”

Badum-tissssh!

Why are false teeth like stars?.......they come out at night.

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?.....inside jokes

An english man , an Irish man and a Scot walk into a bar......those were the days.

Why do toadstools grow close together?....they don't have mushroom.

Prediction....there will be a minor baby boom in 9 months.........and then one day in 2033 we shall witness the rise of THE QUARANTEENS.

I hope your DS is OK OP.

What stands in the desert and shouts bum?
Crude oil

What do you call a group of professors on an underground train?
A tube of smarties

How many elephants can you get in a mini?
4 - 2 in the front & 2 in the back

How do you know if there are elephants in your house?
There's an empty mini parked outside

How do you know an elephant's been in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Well do you know how to drive it??"

Why are poos tapered - so your bottom doesn't shut with a bang!

What stands in the desert and shouts bum?
Crude oil

What stands in the desert and shouts 'buttocks'?
Refined oil

it took him a minute to get the goldfish in a tank. Then he rolled his eyes and giggled.

What's red, loud and getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler

What's green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
Frog in a food blender

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get down from a duck

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen?
Its backside

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other one ‘does this taste funny to you?’

And one for OP... did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

Get well soon, LittleCarbyLess. 🍫

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he needed a poo

Dammit @WarmSausageTea!

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Knock knock
Who's there
Europe
Europe who?
No you're a poo