Homeschooling is a disaster for my son

[Ilovetea09]

Hello. I know some schools are saying don't worry etc but our school has said work set is mandatory and needs to be of a high standard. And also I want my son to do it because he needs to keep up.

Anyways, he is in year 4. So work is ramping up now. My son has SEN but is not diagnosed. Not going into it all now but basically we've had lots of problems in school with his focus on his work, gets distracted, has no confidence in his ability and has a meltdown when anything is even slightly difficult.
School deals well with him and have been getting good results from him. He's just had the best school report ever.

We are in day 23 of isolation as we finished school a few days earlier than they closed to everyone. It has been a complete nightmare. He does not want to do any of the work at all. Goes blank and needs 1 to 1 assistance on every question and wanting me to tell him the answer. We've had screaming, crying and smashing fists on to the table daily since this started. He can manage maybe an hour of work tops and then I have to leave it for everyone's sanity.
Im also trying to help my 6 year old do her work too. She is no problem.

Any advice on how I can deal with this? I've been very encouraging and praise him hugely when he does it.
And I have unfortunately lost my temper a few times and had to leave the room as I am frustrated he knows what to do but won't even try.
I have asked his teacher to give us a call and speak to him and explain he needs to do it. I don't know how we are going to get through how ever many more weeks there will be. Easter break is giving us peace but just means it will be twice as hard to get him to start the work again

First of all it's holiday time so take a break.
Secondly he's only in year 4 so beyond reading and a bit of maths you can chill.
Thirdly, what sort of SEN do you think it is? I think you are right that you need some advice from the teacher.

Have you got access to decent apps? There's loads of free stuff with gamification which can make learning far more fun.

Honesty I'd take a massive step back and let it go for now. Its all well and good school saying the work is mandatory and has to be done to a high standard but they're not the ones dealing with an overwrought, anxious child.

I have two DC with ASD and two DC who are NT. Even my NT children are struggling with the change in routine, the restrictions on where we can/can't go, not seeing family and friends, and all being together 24/7. My children with autism are really struggling to get their heads around it.

His mental wellbeing, and yours, is more important now. Do what he'll tolerate, accept that some days this will be next to nothing, praise and encourage what he does do, and then gradually increase it as he gets used to the new normal.

A really clear routine, ideally on a piece of paper stuck the wall or a chalkboard if you have one, might help.

I would go for briefer periods spread out - an hour a day schoolwork is fine imo, but maybe try 3 periods of 20 mins? You don't need do to doing a full day's work.

Give him the full Easter holiday. He sounds as though he really needs time off.
When you do go back to home school just do the English and Maths and don't worry if you don't get it all done. You are the boss at home school - not the teachers.

Home schooling seems to be so distressing for so many, I wonder if it's worth easing off entirely and keeping such kids back a year.
Otherwise both confidence and home relationships might be damaged irreparably.

I am a teacher but secondary. I have advised parents with SEN kids to take it easy. Love the idea of 3 x 20 minutes slots as mentioned above. Talking books are great for kids if they have something to fiddle with at the same time (lego, car etc). That may buy you some breathing space outside.
Get him to line his toys up and count them, group them in colours etc things that don't seem like work.
The sanity of all the family is important and if he only hears/reads stories, counts and does educational stuff online you are doing all that he needs.
You are doing a brilliant job - don't beat yourself up about educating him.

I totally sympathise. I also have a son with SEN. I’m a teacher, but this period has been very enlightening. I’ve realised he needs to do work in very short bursts. It’s been tough, so I sat down the other night and thought how I could try and make it more interesting/appealing to him. I’ve had to really use things that spark his interest and turn it into a learning experience. Definitely take a break, see if his teacher has any ideas and come at it from a different angle if you can. It’s not easy though I know.

Thanks everyone.
He is 9. He is very social, loves his friend's so obviously really missing them. If he was kept back a year the consequences of seperating him from his friends would be huge. That's why I want to make sure he keeps up.
He has high functioning autism and ODD we think and so does school and cahms.

I
Most of his maths I don't even understand. Some things are really hard! He's doing decimal places and fractions at the moment.
English he can do much easier. Maths is his biggest problem.

We have been in the same situation, albeit my daughter is younger than your son. She also has undiagnosed SEN (going through the process now).
The teachers are already aware we dont do homework at home unless she is happy to as it has been an ongoing issue doing work at home so weve just left it. She has a few maths/english work books not set by school shes working through if she fancies but other than that I'm not stressing. I would rather a meltdown free time while stuck at home than focus on work. We'll do what we can.
All the best! It is tough.

First off have a break, it’s the holidays. I have a lot of sympathy my DD has high functioning autism and couldn’t bear to be wrong or think she’d failed at that age, a meltdown would swiftly follow. And then she’d refuse to learn anything.

Have you looked at the online stuff, maths apps are fun at that age, you can also watch Maths Youtube videos with him. Let him feel a little like he’s in control of it. If he can do an app session a day he should be fine. He’s only Year 4, he just needs to maintain his level. Also google ‘Lego Fractions’ it’s a nice physical way for them to learn fractions.

Alternatively (or as well) can you afford a maths tutor for two 30 mins sessions with him a week over Skype? It might be better as a one to one for him (with you there as well obviously) and it will be a novelty for him as well which will make it fun.

We have a 12 year old with demand avoidant ASD. Primary school was a disaster but she has been doing really well in year 7 with a lot of support. She had an EHCP. With 2 parents working she is not getting the support she needs to stay on task. My NT 9 year old had tailed off after an enthusiastic start. We’re focusing on supporting their mental health and keeping calm. I’ve temporarily blocked lots of friends from FB who appear to be on top of it as it’s making me anxious.

I have 2 sen children. Instead of the 'death by worksheet' I have looked at the national curriculum aims for their year groups and am working out learning around that and their favourite things. It means we can avoid some of the stresses of the current worksheets, but as well, the schools literally threw out two weeks worth of work to parents without thinking about the resources etc they might have at home in order to be able to do it - dd2 in particular is quite visual and needs to be able to see things in order to work them out. Ds1 cannot manage questions which are indirect, he just doesn't understand them so we have had to translate them into smaller chunks.

Ultimately, remember that you aren't homeschooling right now, you are crisis schooling. Hopefully after the easter break your school will be in a better position with 4 weeks of planning to help and support your son better. Ours has said they intend on setting work more suited to each pupil and their attainment rather than a generic sheet from the internet, which they have done so far.

Keep it simple. One maths sheet, some reading that's it.

I teach Y4 and wanted to reassure you a bit if possible. Y3 and Y4 are really closely linked, often regarded as “lower key stage 2”, and in many ways Y4 is like taking the curriculum from y3 and just developing it a bit further/going into more depth. If you are worrying about y6, please don’t! It’s a long way off, and his teacher won’t be thinking about that either. I also don’t imagine any pupils being kept back a year, that just isn’t something schools do now (and all pupils will be affected by the closures).
If his English is good then that’s excellent! Maths-wise, what does he struggle with? If all else fails then just practising his tables will stand him in good stead this year (hit the button can be played on the web version for free and is excellent for this. It’s something he could do perhaps independently?). They can sort his decimals etc in y5. You could even sneak in some maths getting him to weigh out ingredients for a cake (use volume/capacity too) or talking about shapes in your home and what their features are. Have a chat about angles and also plotting points on axes (y points to the sky, x goes “a-cross”!). Battleships is a great way to practise this and he won’t notice you’re doing maths 😉
We all learn best when we’re relaxed and I’ve learned with my own children to abandon any activities in home learning that cause frustration or upset - it’s not worth it!

I think that the schools expectation is too high (ex teacher). This is not the same as being at school as a teacher with all the support staff to do the cleaning, making lunches and playtime supervision, adjustments need to be made. The children are stressed, the parents are stressed and have less time to spend on learning due to also juggling work, cleaning, cooking etc...

I have three, youngest is 6 and has ASD. I have been focusing on either literacy or maths each day when I am off work with the older two and then doing something creative or going outside. The youngest does shorter bursts of learning using more physical resource based learning say 10-15 minutes, the older ones 20-30 minutes max a time. I try to treat it more like homework and focus on revision of areas already covered or weaker areas of their knowledge so that they don't lose what they have already learnt so far this year.

I'm not in UK. Our schools have advised that primary age children should not be receiving more than 1 hour of instruction a day. They've been frank that in a classroom setting, children don't get nearly as much attention and focus as they do at home, so an hour is fine.

If your DS can't cope with more than an hour, as you say, then he's actually quite normal tbh. Your DD will be the outlier. Girls often can cope with quite a bit more than boys.

Take it easy. Let him do maths online, find some maths games that he likes, and keep it low pressure.

Honestly you are not going to help him by allowing the school's pressure on you, to reach him. Academic schooling is mostly busy work, it really does not need to be done, at all. The pressure being put on you is 100% made up and false and absolutely unnecessary. Don't let it poison your DS's life or your home life.

Step away from the year 4 child !
Honestly, you have a long way to go in terms of education years. Don't get so stressed.
My DS is 15 now. Our relationship and stress levels always comes first. Yes I am his parent and not his friend but I am his protector and biggest supporter. I also believe in him. School is not the best fit for him at all time's, but that doesn't mean he will not be happy in life.
Do small amounts, and a little letter to school saying it's all too much at the moment if need be. You won't be the only one at your school, or in the country.
Do some fun stuff instead so you can look back on this historical time with some good memories (I'm sure you are already doing this).

Has guidance changed to make the work now compulsory?
Mine has access to revision, nothing new is being taught, a bunch of links to various sites and apps, and some suggested activities. All aimed to keep the boredom away.

Takes about an hour a day if that. No registers are getting taken, and those who do it’s to help government and LA’s make plans.

And schools demanding a full day or wearing uniform need to go back and read the guidance which advices against this. They should be working in partnership with parents, not making unreasonable and often impossible demands on households.

They were also adviced about the negatives when it comes to maintaining a full school day. The gap widening because of household income, prolonged periods of screen time and more. That staff and pupil welfare comes first.

And don’t forget a lesson might be an hour but teaching/doing the practical work isn’t that long. Can take 20 minutes to settle a class and your left with 10 minutes of doing the practical work.

Another issue as highlighted on here, provisions for those with SEN aren’t there. Not a lot is getting differentiate which I find shocking tbh. All their lesson plans should include this info. I honestly would be asking questions when schools finally reopened.

I know it’s not easy, but all the resources should have already been put in place because they should be used already in classrooms. Someone somewhere is setting their work afterall, so where is it now?

I have a y4 child who is NT and we've also had tears about doing school work. I think it's because he's out of routine, away from his mates, maybe worried about CV and not used to parents being teacher.

Take it easy. If you think it will help, plan the day ahead with him - eg tomorrow we'll do some crafts, then we can do some maths together (see if you can get him to explain it to you) then let's do baking/puzzles etc.

Or just ignore the school work, there's enough stress on everyone as it is.

Mine is year 5 and dyslexic and any work at home makes him cry with anger. So other than reading and listening to podcasts and colouring in he has done not one single thing since lockdown.

I agree just totally back off. Maybe find a nice project to do?

Another thing worth noting is that the chances of any child being kept back a year this year, are so remote as to vanish into the distance. Particularly at this age, and particularly when so many children will be similarly impacted.

You may need to focus a bit more on managing your own fears and anxieties here, rather than trying to get your DS to work in such a way that allays your anxiety, if that makes sense.

Think of it like this: the very remote chance that your DS might be kept in Y4 is not worth the pain and stress that you are putting him under at present.

He is a little boy living through a frightening and absolutely unprecedented time. Putting him in a situation where he is literally driven to tears and rage every single day, in service of an imagined impact to his schooling that isn't based in reality at all, is not the right thing for him at present.

My DS is 10 and his head has been sending regular emails to parents, mostly to remind them to chill and not get anxious about the schooling them from home. She’s gone up 1000% in my estimation since the lockdown began (I’m in Ireland so schools have been closed for longer).

If your DS needs help with maths, I can happily recommend the series of books called Murderous Maths. They’re brilliantly written, entertaining for youngsters and explain the concepts really well. My DS read them
all when he was 8 and absolutely loved them.
He went from hating Maths to it being his favourite subject.

Who knows. All children especially secondary might have an extra year to do instead to make up for the lost time.
Creating an exam will be a nightmare as schools teach key stages at different times to each other.

Take the pressure off yourself. Do what you can, and that's enough. I've two primary aged boys and I'm basically just getting them to read a little and do their times tables and leaving it at that. I try to do vaguely educational activities and games with them too, but I am telling myself that at this age, they will manage to catch up.

It is harder because your child has SEN, it's additional pressure. All any of us can do is our best, so just do what you can and don't beat yourself up

He is very social, loves his friend's so obviously really missing them. If he was kept back a year the consequences of seperating him from his friends would be huge. That's why I want to make sure he keeps up.

Please don't think that if he doesn't keep up he'll be held back. Our education system doesn't work like that anymore - thankfully! It's very rare for children to be out of year group.